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AIBU?

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Original poster

Indian meal meltdown

204 replies

HouseholdItem · 21/10/2018 22:08

The scenario:

I was busy all day Saturday out doing errands etc.

(D)P was working 7-3 shift.

I texted him while out & about to see what he & DS wanted for dinner and the result was that I purchased an M&S Indian 'takeaway' on the way home.

On arrival home (D)P was on the sofa in a blanket with his feet up. DS was playing on his Xbox. I confirmed that I'd got the Indian meal and went through to the kitchen to put it in the fridge.

(D)P shouted through after me that he wanted to eat about 8. (It was by now about 7pm.)

I mentioned that I was going up for a shower and would he put the oven on & food in oven in about 20 mins.

At this he became angry, petulant and aggressive- saying 'no way' was he getting the food ready as he had 'been at work all day'. He had been in the sofa since about (3.30pm).

I had not been idle all day and pointed out that I had in fact been on the go longer than him, having got up the same time and only just returned home at 6.50pm.

I reiterated that he needed to prepare the food. When I was upstairs I heard lots of noises, banging, swearing etc.

When I came down I found that he had thrown the outer cardboard carrying box containing the selection of food into the kitchen floor and one of the containers had burst. There was food splattered all over the units, floor & fridge. He proceeded to heat and eat the meals for him and DS and did not leave me any. Presumably there was not enough after the wasted split container. There was also a load in the bin.

I feel his behaviour is just the last straw. He is spiteful, selfish & unkind. I don't want to live with him any more.

(a) AIBU to feel that he could have prepared the food on this occasion and
(b) would this count as an example of unreasonable behaviour (grounds to divorce him).

OP posts:
Original poster
HouseholdItem · 21/10/2018 22:49

Mrskeats, if you don't pay the mortgage the house gets repossessed surely? I can't afford the payments, they are more than my entire meagre monthly salary.

OP posts:
BG2015 · 21/10/2018 22:50

I've lived with someone I feared. Not in a physically threatening way but in his reaction if bikes were left on the drive or finger marks on walls.

We split in 2013 and although at the time it was hard, things are so much better now.

Please have the courage to leave.

MrTrebus · 21/10/2018 22:50

Go to your dads tomorrow x

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/10/2018 22:51

Can I respectfully suggest that you visit your doctor and ask them to refer you to a domestic abuse service.

A doctor referring you will mean you can get legal aid.

Mrskeats · 21/10/2018 22:52

Yes I know but if he doesn’t pay his half then he will ruin his own credit making it difficult to rent. Much better to sell it especially if there is equity.
He’s just trying to threaten you.

Lalliella · 21/10/2018 22:54

If the house is jointly owned you should get half the equity in it surely?

Gaslighting is when someone is trying to manipulate you into believing something that isn’t true, usually into believing that you are crazy or that everything is your fault.

He sounds really abusive and horrible, get yourself and DS to your dad’s ASAP.

Original poster
HouseholdItem · 21/10/2018 22:54

Hestia, I don't think DS noticed I didn't eat probably. I often don't feel like eating as I'm too tired, I just eat a sandwich standing up in the kitchen while I get dinner for the others. (D)P also will not eat at the table, he always wants to eat on his lap watching TV and I detest doing that.

There have been occasions when DS & his father eat in front of TV and I eat alone in the dining room. I try to tell DS it's better to eat at the table but he just listens to his dad (who probably tells him I'm weird to eat at a table..)

I don't normally have the energy to argue- as I said upthread I just try to keep things calm. I'm aware I am compromising to do that, but I'd rather that than create endless upsetting scenes- especially given that I know I'm likely to get food thrown around if I disagree.

OP posts:
Thatstheendofmytether · 21/10/2018 22:56

Gaslighting is when someone manipulates you to the point you may start to believe that you are in the wrong and begin to doubt your own sanity.
Get out OP he is telling your son you are unwell he is manipulating others now aswell. Who knows who else he has said that to.

Feefeetrixabelle · 21/10/2018 22:56

Gaslighting is where someone convinced you your going mad and veryhtibgn is your fault basically.

So you may start dating a guy and he’s lovely so lovely and you agree your going to hang out on Saturday. You make big plans. And then on the Friday he suddenly becomes confused and a bit angry because he never made plans with you for the Saturday. It was going to be the Sunday but that’s ok he’s crazy about you he will rearrange. So even though you did nothing wrong and your pretty sure the plans were for Saturday you wind up feeling bad and in his debt because he changed his plans for you and you got it wrong.

You then realise he’s spending a lot of time with a girl from work. So you just casually ask questions about her and he gets really defensive. You’ve only asked her job title but suddenly he’s getting mad because you won’t let him have a private life and he’s allowed friends for God’s sake. And it builds and it builds over the weeks until one day a friend takes you to the side and says she saw them kissing. So you ask and he hits the roof. Your friend is lying, and even if they were kissing it’s your fault anyway because you constantly ask questions about her.

With a gas lighter you basically can’t win. They will make you feel crazy. They will make you feel like you can’t treat yourself to a handbag unless you buy them something to balance it out.

The house can be sold long before repossession. The balance of the mortgage can be paid and the profit split equally. Likewise with cms you may be able to afford the mortgage.

A house is no reason to keep a man like that.

FishesThatFly · 21/10/2018 22:57

Dont forget you'll get benefits and maintenance too

dangermouseisace · 21/10/2018 22:58

OP if your ex has to move out, he’s still jointly liable for the mortgage/he’d have to pay maintenance.

He sounds like an arse though, so you may have to claim benefits. I think you can have a loan to help with mortgage payments. If your son is 10, you’d be able to work more hours before too much longer I assume? But as a single parent you would be entitled to help. Also, if you speak to your mortgage company they might be able to arrange something short term whilst you sort out benefits/finances.

Kahlua4me · 21/10/2018 22:59

That is appalling behaviour from any adult, especially somebody who is supposed to love you.

I agree with pp about seeing your gp, but also go to a solicitor to get advice about yours house, moving etc.

Please don’t let him ruin your life, or that of your DS. You are worth so much more.

CoughLaughFart · 21/10/2018 23:00

What would he do if he was single? Yes, it’s a pain in the arse to have to cook after a long day at work - but us single people have no choice. If we don’t cook the dinner, no one does. And in this case literally all he had to do was prick a film with a fork and bung a curry in the microwave. It’s hardly Masterchef.

PickAChew · 21/10/2018 23:01

This will be illuminating.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles?pg=1&order=

Outlookmainlyfair · 21/10/2018 23:02

Gas lighting or coercive control - it is illegal! YANBU and you deserve so much better.
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

DasPepe · 21/10/2018 23:02

Yes, please leave.

We went to visit out neighbour today from 10am until 12. My DP left early so that he could prepare lunch for us. We then all had it together before he left for a work related meeting (conference - on a Sunday, when he has been working all week already). He didn’t come back until 9pm.
Meals, cleaning, chores - they all have to be done. Even if he was alone he would have to prepare meals! This was a takeaway, so minimal work. His behavior was dickish and childish

Original poster
HouseholdItem · 21/10/2018 23:04

Danger Mouse, thanks for that. I did wonder if I spoke to the bank they might let me pay interest only for a bit. I also have a bit of savings left - but when I spoke to my brother today and said I could always use that to pay mortgage he hit the roof and said I should not have to do that.

I think I have been gaslighted- I do always feel I am completely in the wrong and scared of how he will react.

When I ask to 'talk' I am always accused of having a go at him - or of 'twisting' things.

It's like he's allowed to be unhappy and have feelings and opinions- but I just have to take whatever is chucked at me. He calls me selfish and mentally ill if I say I'm unhappy or question his behaviour.

OP posts:
Solenti · 21/10/2018 23:05

You poor thing. That is a miserable existence and you have to get out. We have one short life, don't waste it on this wanker. I would get legal advice asap regarding the house and gather as much information and paperwork as you can together. I wish you the very best of luck OP, you deserve so much better than this bully.

Elephant14 · 21/10/2018 23:06

See a solicitor ASAP you may be able to get an occupation order based on his behaviour; also why did his name suddenly go on the deeds 8 years ago? Maybe that is worth investigating with the solicitor. But ultimately you can go to your dad's and then get an occupation order later.

RandomMess · 21/10/2018 23:10

You can force the sale of the house so you will get the equity released.

You need legal advice and fast Thanks

Maelstrop · 21/10/2018 23:12

Solicitor, quick.

Is he on the deeds? Are you married? You are likely to get more if you have to sell the house given it was yours. You could always change the mortgage. Please get rid of this arsehole.

kesie123 · 21/10/2018 23:13

He sounds like a classic narcissist - there are lots of good threads on here about those with NPD (narcisstic personality disorder) and masses of info online. Do inform yourself as they all follow a very similar pattern and when you leave them (especially with a child) is a very dangerous time. The more knowledge you have the more you'll be able to deal with the situations that will arise. Without doubt leave him though - you and your son will be so much happier.

notapizzaeater · 21/10/2018 23:13

You need to get out ASAP, speak to someone - solicitor, women's aid, doctor etc

TakeMeToKernow · 21/10/2018 23:16

Oh your posts are so sad Sad

YANBU

And he is behaving v v v v unreasonably.

It is NOT your fault, but your DP is teaching your DS that it’s okay teach people like this.

There’s some wiser posters around who can give you advice on how to get out and get on. You’ve just got to find your brave pants, make a plan and go for it. X

Ohyesiam · 21/10/2018 23:19

Stop trying to convince him he’s doing wrong op. You can’t argue with an arsehole like this. Let your actions do the talkingby chucking him out of your house .

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