Indian meal meltdown

[HouseholdItem]

The scenario:

I was busy all day Saturday out doing errands etc.

(D)P was working 7-3 shift.

I texted him while out & about to see what he & DS wanted for dinner and the result was that I purchased an M&S Indian 'takeaway' on the way home.

On arrival home (D)P was on the sofa in a blanket with his feet up. DS was playing on his Xbox. I confirmed that I'd got the Indian meal and went through to the kitchen to put it in the fridge.

(D)P shouted through after me that he wanted to eat about 8. (It was by now about 7pm.)

I mentioned that I was going up for a shower and would he put the oven on & food in oven in about 20 mins.

At this he became angry, petulant and aggressive- saying 'no way' was he getting the food ready as he had 'been at work all day'. He had been in the sofa since about (3.30pm).

I had not been idle all day and pointed out that I had in fact been on the go longer than him, having got up the same time and only just returned home at 6.50pm.

I reiterated that he needed to prepare the food. When I was upstairs I heard lots of noises, banging, swearing etc.

When I came down I found that he had thrown the outer cardboard carrying box containing the selection of food into the kitchen floor and one of the containers had burst. There was food splattered all over the units, floor & fridge. He proceeded to heat and eat the meals for him and DS and did not leave me any. Presumably there was not enough after the wasted split container. There was also a load in the bin.

I feel his behaviour is just the last straw. He is spiteful, selfish & unkind. I don't want to live with him any more.

(a) AIBU to feel that he could have prepared the food on this occasion and
(b) would this count as an example of unreasonable behaviour (grounds to divorce him).

(a) AIBU to feel that he could have prepared the food on this occasion and

No you are not unreasonable. He is a knob.

(b) would this count as an example of unreasonable behaviour (grounds to divorce him)
Yes, but you do not need grounds. You just need to know you would rather not be married to him/living with him.

Having said that- I don’t think doing your bits and bobs in town equates to paid employment, so YABU for that.

It depends on the employment, doesn't it, Saucy? I was doing bits and bobs in town yesterday, and working in my office today. After tramping around town and various shops yesterday, I was a hell of a lot more physically tired then than I am now.

Not sure how much success I'll have chucking him out of the house.

He refused even to get out of bed once when I was upset and didn't want him in bed with me.

He yanked the sheet away from me violently, nearly sending me flying shouting 'No I am NOT getting out of bed'. I ended up sleeping on the sofa.

I once also woke up to find him sexually touching me. I was upset as I'd been poorly and fell asleep early. I pointed out I didn't think it was right for him to do that while I was asleep but he brushed it off and said I was over-reacting.

Zzz my salary plus child benefit would leave about £100 shortfall on mortgage. I also need to pay utilities, phone, food etc.

Although I'm not so worried about getting into arrears with gas etc. As long as I have the roof over our heads.

You say you were scared of his reaction if you used your money solely on yourself. What would he do? It seems to me that, whether he is verbally or physically abusive or threatening, you have more than enough grounds for divorce. Ignore any rubbish your husband comes out with - he is only trying to preserve his current comfortable lifestyle where he has you as a doormat.

Can you look into working full time to keep your income up? Arsehole will obviously have to contribute to maintenance and to keeping a roof over his son's head.

@italiangreyhound, unfortunately under the law as it is at present OP does have to find grounds for divorce.

HouseholdItem

"He refused even to get out of bed once when I was upset and didn't want him in bed with me.

He yanked the sheet away from me violently, nearly sending me flying shouting 'No I am NOT getting out of bed'. I ended up sleeping on the sofa.

I once also woke up to find him sexually touching me. I was upset as I'd been poorly and fell asleep early. I pointed out I didn't think it was right for him to do that while I was asleep but he brushed it off and said I was over-reacting."

Oh you poor woman, he is vile.

Please talk to women's aid, talk to a solicitor and cover your tracks on line and elsewhere.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

0808 2000 247

Decide what to do and do it. He is vile you need to be safe from him.

You need to get your son away from him.

You were not overreacting.

So sorry you're going through this OP. He's bloody awful and thinks you're his maid. Most people come home from work and cook for themselves.

Are you married to him? You say dp in your posts.

Call women’s aid op they will be able to help with everything. It may be that you change the locks while he’s out but that can only be done on a joint owned house under certain circumstance

Bills and transport currently about £300 per month on top of the £100 shortfall. So I would be about £400 short in total. And that would leave me literally zero disposable income which would be difficult, although I guess manageable if I had to.

Volant
"... unfortunately under the law as it is at present OP does have to find grounds for divorce."

Apologuies OP I should have said you do not need grounds to leave him. As in you can leave any time you are like but as far as the divorce goes yes, I think you do need grounds but I would take advice because what you have described is certainly ground as far as I can see (but please get professional advice).

XX

You would manage. You would be entitled to support from your dp if your child is his. He has a duty to provide financial support to his child. You also have your savings- it’s not up to your brother what those get spent on it’s up to you. And if you ultimately have to sell and downsize then so be it. At least you wouldn’t have him around.

Bloody hell, this keeps getting worse and worse.

It sounds like you have some support from your family. As other PP have said, see a solicitor. Can you make a note of the incidents where he's behaved appallingly, that might help your case. I would move in with your dad for a bit and work on getting the house back while you're there.

Dojngreat yes we are married, I just always say dp.

I am tempted to move in with dad but when talking in RL some people have advised against leaving the house.

I think I need to spend some of my savings on some legal advice.

I know I can spend my savings on what I want, I think my brother was just appalled to think I would have to use my savings from inheritance to pay the mortgage when dp is technically (and maybe legally?) responsible (as the main wage earner) and as my spouse and joint owner.

Are you both named on the mortgage?

TakeMe- yes both on mortgage and deeds for the past 8 years.

I purchased the house in my sole name in 2000 before met dp and initially the mortgage was in my sole name.

It was changed in about 2010 as the mortgage came up for renewal and I was by then working part time & could not afford mortgage payments on my salary alone - so it was converted to a joint mortgage at that time as I needed his salary to contribute to household expenses.

Zzzz I have had a look and could barely afford a 1 bed flat with my half of the equity.

I am unsure if DS could live with me in that situation- although I would be happy for DS to have the bedroom and I would have the sofa...but unsure what the rules are around this?

I only got him the wallet to lessen his anger about me buying myself something - I thought it would deflect it and protect me a bit. It worked to a certain extent although he still accused me of wasting money and didn't thank me for the wallet.

Oh no, no, you should not have to live like that. Then when I read about what he said to your son, about you being 'unwell', god, that made me feel sick. Please leave this nasty horrible man.

Maybe CAB would be good as first place to go, OP.

Household I honestly think you need to leave the house with your DC and go to your Dad's and process all of this. You are not going to be able to think clearly with all the stress that you are living with currently. Your 'partner' cannot sell the house in your absence. Look after your self and your child.