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AIBU?

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Original poster

Indian meal meltdown

204 replies

HouseholdItem · 21/10/2018 22:08

The scenario:

I was busy all day Saturday out doing errands etc.

(D)P was working 7-3 shift.

I texted him while out & about to see what he & DS wanted for dinner and the result was that I purchased an M&S Indian 'takeaway' on the way home.

On arrival home (D)P was on the sofa in a blanket with his feet up. DS was playing on his Xbox. I confirmed that I'd got the Indian meal and went through to the kitchen to put it in the fridge.

(D)P shouted through after me that he wanted to eat about 8. (It was by now about 7pm.)

I mentioned that I was going up for a shower and would he put the oven on & food in oven in about 20 mins.

At this he became angry, petulant and aggressive- saying 'no way' was he getting the food ready as he had 'been at work all day'. He had been in the sofa since about (3.30pm).

I had not been idle all day and pointed out that I had in fact been on the go longer than him, having got up the same time and only just returned home at 6.50pm.

I reiterated that he needed to prepare the food. When I was upstairs I heard lots of noises, banging, swearing etc.

When I came down I found that he had thrown the outer cardboard carrying box containing the selection of food into the kitchen floor and one of the containers had burst. There was food splattered all over the units, floor & fridge. He proceeded to heat and eat the meals for him and DS and did not leave me any. Presumably there was not enough after the wasted split container. There was also a load in the bin.

I feel his behaviour is just the last straw. He is spiteful, selfish & unkind. I don't want to live with him any more.

(a) AIBU to feel that he could have prepared the food on this occasion and
(b) would this count as an example of unreasonable behaviour (grounds to divorce him).

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 22/10/2018 07:13

I can hardly bear thinking about your and your son living like this for so long.

Lepetitpiggy · 22/10/2018 07:19

My goodness this is awful. My heart is breaking for you and your son - please take the advice here and make pans to go - very soon. You can't live like this

sashh · 22/10/2018 07:20

As soon as he goes to work change the locks.

Do not let him rent space in your brain telling you the house will be repossessed.

Talk to your mortgage provider, they do not want to reposes.

Check your entitlement to benefits.

Lodge a claim for maintenance.

See a solicitor.

Homebird8 · 22/10/2018 07:31

Could you stay with your dad to ‘help him with sorting out your mum’s things’? In my experience it’s a job better shared and would be a reason to have a few days away. You could use the time to get some legal advice and perhaps do it without raising suspicion from your H.

Birdsgottafly · 22/10/2018 07:51

sashh, changing the locks would escalate the situation. She can't stop her Husband gaining entry. That is dangerous advice.

OP, start with a Solicitor.

If you do decide to leave, clear your Dad's first and plan to take any furniture, such as DS's bedroom stuff, with you.

In a few years there will be nothing of you left and your DS will be destroyed by living in that environment.

Your and your DS's Mental Health isn't worth compromising to hang on to that house for.

Clutterbugsmum · 22/10/2018 07:51

Do contact Women's Aid, also look at getting some legal advice.

Also don't forget he will have to pay some child maintence, and you may also be entitled to some benefits.

Also if you do leave make sure you get copies of the relevant paperwork (I am sure someone will have a list) that they can post.

Bekabeech · 22/10/2018 07:59

First which country are you in? Because Scotland has different laws to England (and Wales).
Don't move out or you could be giving up the house to him and all the money you paid in.
Get legal advice.
Talk to the mortgage company - there are ways around it. They much prefer keeping people in the houses to repossessing, as they don't tend to get their money back that way either. He will also have to contribute towards your son's up keep and you may well be entitled to some benefits, and council tax will go down. Can you up your hours? Could you fit in a lodger with him gone?

But yes get rid of him - Women's Aid can advise.

LethalWhite · 22/10/2018 08:04

Ring women’s aid and explain the above, see what they say

Why not go over to your dads next weekend and start clearing out in preparation

I couldn’t live like this OP. I want to cry thinking about you finding the remains of the Indian food you’d bought for everyone. Your poor son is growing up thinking this is normal

ZenNudist · 22/10/2018 08:04

Just popping on to offer words of support. I was very glad that your very first post said about leaving him because he sounds awful. I hope you find the strength to do it a better life awaits

BlueJava · 22/10/2018 08:18

So sorry you had to go through that OP, that's nasty. If things like that happen on a regular basis and you are frightened of him you must realise that isn't a normal situation. Please really consider seriously what you want to do and if necessary make plans to leave. It sounds like you would be far better off by yourself.

VenusInSpurs · 22/10/2018 08:21

Personally I would find out all the facts before doing anything. I wouldn’t be moving Ds out without knowing my rights and resources and having a more medium term plan.

Without letting him know what you are up to, no hunting, no veiled threats, get an appointment at CAB. Find out what you would be entitled to in Tax Credit etc. Remember that single you would get a 25% Council tax reduction. Look at all your bills and standing orders for savings, re-calculate food bills without an adult male.

Talk to your mortgage provider and see if you can switch to longer term or something to keep monthly costs down.

Then speak to a solicitor.

Are you married? You say DP but talk of divorce?

Meanwhile do tell the GP , and look at The Freedom Programme.

He really is abusive and it is shocking to bring your son into it.

Original poster
HouseholdItem · 22/10/2018 08:29

I have to go to work today but just wanted to say a massive thanks for all the help & support so far and I will check back later.

OP posts:
Ignoramusgiganticus · 22/10/2018 08:37

Try to get him to leave if at all possible. Get the mortgage on to interest only/mortgage holiday for now and then review it when you know more about your benefits etc.
See a solicitor first and get your ducks in a row before you give him an inkling that anything is up.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 22/10/2018 08:38

Does your son have positive role models you can take into your confidence and get them to model kind relationships and respect to your son? he needs to know that his dad's behaviour is outrageous and not normal. Can you confide in his teachers so they can help? It's really important he doesn't see anymore of that shit.
This is no way to live at all, Wishing All the best for the future.

eddielizzard · 22/10/2018 08:42

Don't rush into anything. You've made the decision, the relationship is over. Now it's about minimising the disruption to your DS whilst protecting your assets (the house). I'd get legal advice and go and have word with your Dad. Work out the best course.

Linked0ut · 22/10/2018 08:44

He sounds absolutely HORRIBLE. He has trained you to never challenge him. He has trained you to serve him and he has trained you to never complain because if you do, he deliberately unleashes his anger on you.

My x trained me in the same way.

Can your brother come and live with you for a while, the two of you join forces together to get him to leave? If a male relative of yours MOVES in, that might be the only way your x would move out.

I understand complete that a man like this will NOT be told by you to move out.

Sugarformyhoney · 22/10/2018 08:47

He sounds awful. So glad you’ve seen you deserve better

Original poster
HouseholdItem · 22/10/2018 08:52

Well I was going to work but my car won't start!

OP posts:
MaryShelley1818 · 22/10/2018 08:55

Omg, what a vile, horrible, nasty bully.
OP - you deserve better than this, as does your child. Please don’t stay and be treated like this.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 22/10/2018 09:04

I don’t think doing your bits and bobs in town equates to paid employment, so YABU for that.

What a silly assumption. Depends on the employment - and the errands run, surely?

headinhands · 22/10/2018 09:07

Even a teenager behaving like this would be unacceptable. Don't tolerate it from your dp. You most definitely have cause to end the relationship.

Rhondacross · 22/10/2018 09:10

If you don't go to work make good use of the time - ring Women's Aid. Good luck!

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 22/10/2018 09:16

Just read the thread, the curry incident sounds like after so much abusive behaviour, it has proved to be the final straw! How uncaring and spiteful your partner sounds you deserve better than this OP you sound a nice person. Go and stay with your dad for a while and make some concrete plans, you really don't need to live with such a nasty person, whatever feelings you had for him once, must have long gone. I hope you are able to find a way forward and I wish you a calm and hopefully happier life than the one you are living now Flowers

SchadenfreudeUndeadified · 22/10/2018 09:23

I rarely say LTB - but LTB.

All he had to do was get off his arse long enough to put some stuff in the oven to heat up.

He is a twat. You deserve better - and so does your DS who is learning to treat omen like shit from his arse of a father.

SchadenfreudeUndeadified · 22/10/2018 09:23

*women, not omen

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