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AIBU?

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Original poster

Indian meal meltdown

204 replies

HouseholdItem · 21/10/2018 22:08

The scenario:

I was busy all day Saturday out doing errands etc.

(D)P was working 7-3 shift.

I texted him while out & about to see what he & DS wanted for dinner and the result was that I purchased an M&S Indian 'takeaway' on the way home.

On arrival home (D)P was on the sofa in a blanket with his feet up. DS was playing on his Xbox. I confirmed that I'd got the Indian meal and went through to the kitchen to put it in the fridge.

(D)P shouted through after me that he wanted to eat about 8. (It was by now about 7pm.)

I mentioned that I was going up for a shower and would he put the oven on & food in oven in about 20 mins.

At this he became angry, petulant and aggressive- saying 'no way' was he getting the food ready as he had 'been at work all day'. He had been in the sofa since about (3.30pm).

I had not been idle all day and pointed out that I had in fact been on the go longer than him, having got up the same time and only just returned home at 6.50pm.

I reiterated that he needed to prepare the food. When I was upstairs I heard lots of noises, banging, swearing etc.

When I came down I found that he had thrown the outer cardboard carrying box containing the selection of food into the kitchen floor and one of the containers had burst. There was food splattered all over the units, floor & fridge. He proceeded to heat and eat the meals for him and DS and did not leave me any. Presumably there was not enough after the wasted split container. There was also a load in the bin.

I feel his behaviour is just the last straw. He is spiteful, selfish & unkind. I don't want to live with him any more.

(a) AIBU to feel that he could have prepared the food on this occasion and
(b) would this count as an example of unreasonable behaviour (grounds to divorce him).

OP posts:
Original poster
HouseholdItem · 21/10/2018 23:55

I just wanted to say thank you for all the flower icons & help on this thread - you are all so kind. Thank you.

OP posts:
Feefeetrixabelle · 21/10/2018 23:55

Get legal advice. Depending on certain circumstances you may be entitled to a bigger share of the house you purchased it initially

Original poster
HouseholdItem · 21/10/2018 23:58

Elephant- I'm inclined to agree, it feels very appealing.

There's a lot of work to do at dad's - (my mum died earlier in the year and dad still has not cleared all if her clothes out 😢) - and extra furniture would need to be bought, but it would be better than living in constant fear/ walking on eggshells.

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 21/10/2018 23:58

Yes DS could live with you in a one bed flat.

OP move to your Dad's NOW. Don't wait for your idiot and scary partner to do more damage to you and your son's relationship.

I watched my friend's abusive ex slowly alienate her from her three children and now she has not seen them for months.

It's awful when it happens.

AjasLipstick · 21/10/2018 23:59

Don't look for excuses to move to your Dad's like the work that needs doing.

You NEED to go there now. Even if your Dad wasn't struggling.

ohello · 22/10/2018 00:00

okay first things first. Wine Biscuit Smile

then. I would be scared of anybody who did something like that. I mean, permanently scared, I'd be afraid they're just ramping up and using their anger as way to control. So yes, LTB.

However, do not leave the house, if you leave, it'll be easier for him to get it. TRY to act as if you're just upset over a "normal" row, don't let him know you're planning on leaving. Not to frighten you but just so you're aware, abusers tend to get worse during the time their "property" wants to break up (and immediately after). And pretending for a while that this is just a "normal" spat will give you time to get your ducks in a row, make sensible plans etc.

Seems like there should be type of temporary funds you could get, food stamps, that sort of thing? And call a lawyer, and start gathering up paperwork while husband is at work. And make sure he doesn't find out what you're doing.

You can do this. Smile

I personally would be expect him to be difficult during the divorce, look at how he's already been emotionally manipulative with your son, trying to turn him against you. You need a lawyer who finds dealing with such abusive jerkwads oldhat. And then, is there someone who can be with you when he leaves? Cos I'd would at least be prepared for the possibility that he turns ugly. He might be calm, you never know but I for sure wouldn't take any chances.

Have one glass [glass] You can get through this. Good luck to you OP

Original poster
HouseholdItem · 22/10/2018 00:01

Ajas, don't worry it's not excuses, I'm
Just thinking aloud as there are certain preparations I need to make.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 22/10/2018 00:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HouseholdItem · 22/10/2018 00:04

Zzzz yes - thankfully dad lives fairly locally.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 22/10/2018 00:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/10/2018 00:11

entitledto.com will give you an idea of what you will be able to claim as a single parent. You will almost certainly be able to claim CTC and probably WTC too , you will get a 25% reduction on council tax, plus you may get some of it paid for you if your income is low enough.

Depending on your income, DS could get free school mealstoo, it all adds up. I would look into what you can claim yourself before going to CAB as they are not always as clued up as they should be, ime it depends on the individual concerned that you speak to.

elephantoverthehill · 22/10/2018 00:11

It sounds to me that you and your Dad would benefit from mutual support. A move could work well in both your favours, however I agree with removing important paperwork first and any very precious items.

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/10/2018 00:12

www.entitledto.co.uk/

mathanxiety · 22/10/2018 00:13

I would definitely use money to get thorough legal advice.

You should also call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247.
You should leave your name and number and a good time for them to call you back.

I think your brother is right that there is something wrong in principle with you paying the mortgage out of your own savings. But talk to a solicitor about the sort of financial support exH would owe you and what sort of equity divide you could count on if the house was to be sold. YOu might indeed be entitled to a bigger share, especially if over the 18 years you have contributed more to the mortgage or mortgage plus utility bills plus council tax.

Ask about occupation orders that will force H out and guarantee your right to live in the house. Also ask about a non-molestation order.

Please remember that your H wants you to believe you have no option other than to stay and absorb his abuse. Talk to a solicitor so that you will understand when he is bluffing.

1MillionSelfiesTakenByMyKids · 22/10/2018 00:18

As for extra income wouldg there be a spare room you could let to a lodger? That could easily make a coupler of hundred a month or more depending where you live. A fried of mine rents a room week nights only and pays £400 a month.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 22/10/2018 00:30

I’d say to go and stay with your dad if you can but I don’t know enough about the legal side of leaving the house. Definitely talk to someone like women’s aid and a solicitor. I have no advice though but I hope you leave him he sounds like a nasty horrible man. You shouldn’t have to live with that.

MrsTommyBanks · 22/10/2018 00:50

Please escape from this intolerable situation. You will never please the abusive cunt.
Call women's aid as soon as you can
www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk

violetbunny · 22/10/2018 00:51

Please speak to a lawyer, and to Women's Aid and the bank.
Are you able to go back to working full time?

IzzyGrey · 22/10/2018 01:33

I would suggest that you were both being absolutely ridiculous at first. Although throwing and eating all the food was out of order. Also there's obviously deeper issues here which suggest that you're probably better off leaving.

CupoBlood · 22/10/2018 06:41

Get out you can't live like this. I know it's hard. I did it. I did leave the house as there were alcohol and threats of violence. Yes it's been hard, messy and the house has been sold. I'm unlikely to ever afford to buy again. BUT I am so glad that ever single day I do not have to wake up wondering what will greet me, no walking in eggshells and no more wondering what on earth I did to get him so mad.

ApolloandDaphne · 22/10/2018 06:50

He sounds like a knobhead and he is now passing on this way of treating women to your DS. Do you really want that? Time to get out I think.

Inertia · 22/10/2018 07:03

Your husband is an abusive bully.

Spending some of your savings now on a good solicitor will save you much more in the long run - it sounds like you are in danger of doing exactly what your husband tells you otherwise, due to your (understandable) fear of his threats and hideous behaviour.

Ohheyyy · 22/10/2018 07:07

Hope you're ok House and that you get yourself and your DS out of this awful situation.

Ifoundanacorn · 22/10/2018 07:08

I could live with his reluctance to help if he is tired, but not the fact he and ds ate dinner and they saved nothing for you.
What you are describing is an abusive relationship, and feeling afraid of him. Given his reaction to simply warming up a dinner I am not surprised.

I would planning to leave this man.

Shoxfordian · 22/10/2018 07:11

Go stay with your Dad and talk to a solicitor
Go today if you can

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