To think I need to leave my partner?
Orchid233 · 20/10/2018 23:25
Just looking for some thoughts please. Family and friends all think I need to leave but I feel I need some impartial advice.
I have been with my partner for almost two years. We moved in together pretty quickly and have been living together for about a year now. I moved into his house (that he owns) and I pay him a set amount of money each month which is equal to half of all bills (inc mortgage). It took me three months to find a permanent job after I moved to live with him. During this time I found it very stressful and I did not find him very supportive. He would just say 'are you talking about jobs again, I know you think it's stressful as you don't have a job but I do have a job and it's stressful for me'. He would make comments on the days that my rent went into his account during this time (I was lucky that I had some savings to cover this and I didn't want to free ride off of him) saying 'oh x amount of money went into my account today, might buy this, might buy that'.
After I moved in the relationship changed. He is still lovely most of the time and he is especially nice with people he works with (I actually worry he might have a thing for one woman) or neighbors etc (it is important to him what people think of him). He told me that his family and all his ex partners commented on how tight he was with money but I naively brushed this off as 'oh he's by himself with a house etc etc'. Thankfully I now have a full time job but as he says my job is not a career whilst his is, I am expected to do most of the house work and food shopping. I work shifts and when I left one pan in the sink to soak a few evenings ago he said 'was that a test to see if I'd do it'. When I get home (often very late) there are pots everywhere and mess from the dog usually all over the place. He works in architecture and I work in healthcare. Am I being unreasonable thinking that as we both work full time (regardless of whether it's a career) the housework should be both our jobs?
A relative of mine gave him some money to treat me to a meal for getting the job to which he said '£60 won't go far around here will it'. I was quite hurt at this but he said it's me who has a 'thing about being grateful'. On christmas day he said he was very disappointed with the things I had bought him and suggested things he would have liked instead'. He is very critical of my cooking and will often stand over me and tell me I'm not doing something right. If I've done the washing he will go through it and check and say 'noticed you haven't done much of mine'. If I happen to keep his clothes in the wrong place he will shout and he even says things like 'you're quite clever but you can't even use the dog lead properly'. I've told him I find these things quite upsetting to which he replies that he is only joking.
He went out to walk the dog a few weeks ago with some lovely friends that we met whilst dog walking. When he got back I was in the living room on the laptop and he said 'why were you sat there you weirdo, why didn't you come outside and say hello'.
I feel like during this time my mental health has deteriorated and we have been arguing quite a bit. I have said that I want to leave as I don't feel I should be treated this way to which he usually tells me I'm mental. I've been sleeping in the spare bedroom for a long time as I often get told off for coming to bed late if I'm very late getting in from work. I know people go through far worse and maybe I am being too sensitive but AIBU thinking I deserve better than this?
AngelsSins · 22/10/2018 16:07
Great update OP, well done!
Once you’re ready, I’d urge you to take a look at why you thought this was an acceptable relationship.
He had you move in away from your job and family, into his house, where you paid half the mortgage despite having no rights to be there. If you had been renting somewhere, you’d have had tenants rights, but in this situation you had nothing. Would you ever expect someone’s else to do that for you?
He expected you to be his housekeeper despite you both working full time, because HE said so. Why go along with that? Why did he get the ruling say? Again, would you treat someone else like that?
Don’t settle for someone that treats you in a way that you wouldn’t dream of treating someone else, stop selling yourself so short. Men are ten a penny, there’s no shortage of them, and plenty of arseholes are out there too, so don’t waste anymore time on men who aren’t good enough for you. Xx
Orchid233 · 22/10/2018 21:15
Thank you. It's been a long time coming and I'm just very grateful that I can walk away for a fresh start. I can't imagine what it would have been like had we had a baby!
I've applied for a working holiday visa to NZ which will allow me to do a thing called workaway for a few months (literally as far away as I can get to clear my head).
I had come across the term gaslighting when I had read up about the things that he had been saying but it's so subtle and almost like a drip drip effect - you really start thinking you're imagining things and the problem is with you! Enough is enough. Unfortunately the dog is his so he will be staying here - that is the only thing I will miss although I will not miss having to do most of the clearing up and being told off for not using the lead properly!
Amyerda · 22/10/2018 22:38
Just don't let him reel you back in with excuses and apologies. You need to block him from all means of communication . Go as safely as possible when he's out of the house and tell someone close to you what your plan is and when. Your stbx may escalate and make things rather difficult, so make sure you take all important documents etc and what you can't take be prepared to leave, as these may become bargaining tools for communication. You are really doing the right thing. This is the beginning of the rest if your life. ...good good luck and stay safe
Queenie8 · 23/10/2018 07:18
Fantastic update OP!
Welcome to the first day of your new life 😊
Congratulations on making an incredibly hard decision. It will be tough at times, but it will be tough on your terms.
I left my ex-husband, for DV, with a one year old and three year old, not a penny to my name, but we were free, and 7 years later, we're so happy, settled and calm.
Wishing you a life of happiness.
Have a fantastic time in NZ.
theodoracrainsgloves · 23/10/2018 08:26
Often there are posts like yours where the answer – LTB – is so glaringly obvious, but then you get to the end of the thread and the OP is still, for whatever reason, either making excuses for their DP's behaviour or are too scared to leave and it makes your heart sink. Not today! Brilliant update, OP! Enjoy your travels and the freedom from being emotionally abused. Hopefully your DP will learn enough of a lesson not to treat his next girlfriend in the same way, but sadly I doubt it. How has he taken the news?
Didactylos · 23/10/2018 14:28
Ovaries of steel! Had you been making plans before you posted the thread? Going on a working holiday sounds amazing and a good way to try something different and get away from the whole situation.
Life is likely to be challenging either way - but better the adventures of travelling, working and making your own choices on the NZ trip, than the challenge of shrinking yourself down, squeezing into the unpaid housekeeper role he assigned you and prancing about trying to keep up with his demands and expectations.
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