Mumsnet Logo
My feed

to access all these features


To think I need to leave my partner?

189 replies

Orchid233 · 20/10/2018 23:25

Just looking for some thoughts please. Family and friends all think I need to leave but I feel I need some impartial advice.

I have been with my partner for almost two years. We moved in together pretty quickly and have been living together for about a year now. I moved into his house (that he owns) and I pay him a set amount of money each month which is equal to half of all bills (inc mortgage). It took me three months to find a permanent job after I moved to live with him. During this time I found it very stressful and I did not find him very supportive. He would just say 'are you talking about jobs again, I know you think it's stressful as you don't have a job but I do have a job and it's stressful for me'. He would make comments on the days that my rent went into his account during this time (I was lucky that I had some savings to cover this and I didn't want to free ride off of him) saying 'oh x amount of money went into my account today, might buy this, might buy that'.

After I moved in the relationship changed. He is still lovely most of the time and he is especially nice with people he works with (I actually worry he might have a thing for one woman) or neighbors etc (it is important to him what people think of him). He told me that his family and all his ex partners commented on how tight he was with money but I naively brushed this off as 'oh he's by himself with a house etc etc'. Thankfully I now have a full time job but as he says my job is not a career whilst his is, I am expected to do most of the house work and food shopping. I work shifts and when I left one pan in the sink to soak a few evenings ago he said 'was that a test to see if I'd do it'. When I get home (often very late) there are pots everywhere and mess from the dog usually all over the place. He works in architecture and I work in healthcare. Am I being unreasonable thinking that as we both work full time (regardless of whether it's a career) the housework should be both our jobs?

A relative of mine gave him some money to treat me to a meal for getting the job to which he said '£60 won't go far around here will it'. I was quite hurt at this but he said it's me who has a 'thing about being grateful'. On christmas day he said he was very disappointed with the things I had bought him and suggested things he would have liked instead'. He is very critical of my cooking and will often stand over me and tell me I'm not doing something right. If I've done the washing he will go through it and check and say 'noticed you haven't done much of mine'. If I happen to keep his clothes in the wrong place he will shout and he even says things like 'you're quite clever but you can't even use the dog lead properly'. I've told him I find these things quite upsetting to which he replies that he is only joking.

He went out to walk the dog a few weeks ago with some lovely friends that we met whilst dog walking. When he got back I was in the living room on the laptop and he said 'why were you sat there you weirdo, why didn't you come outside and say hello'.

I feel like during this time my mental health has deteriorated and we have been arguing quite a bit. I have said that I want to leave as I don't feel I should be treated this way to which he usually tells me I'm mental. I've been sleeping in the spare bedroom for a long time as I often get told off for coming to bed late if I'm very late getting in from work. I know people go through far worse and maybe I am being too sensitive but AIBU thinking I deserve better than this?

OP posts:

LannieDuck · 21/10/2018 00:00

Housework should be everyone's job. Everyone (if able) should do the work required to keep themselves fed, clothed, clean and in a tidy environment.

You wouldn't expect someone else to walk around after you picking up your rubbish and tidying away your dirty cups, would you? So why does he?

I call bullsh*t btw. It's nothing to do with 'career' vs 'job'. He thinks you should do the housework because you're a woman.


Polarbearflavour · 21/10/2018 00:00

He sounds like my ex. Expected rent and bill money from me despite owning his own place and earning a six figure salary as a banker. Would have a go at me if I got own brand handwash or loo roll instead of expensive stuff.

Please leave him! You will find someone else in time, I’m with someone lovely now who is very laid back and is never nasty or aggressive.


Leeds2 · 21/10/2018 00:00

He sounds like an absolute wanker.

If you were my daughter, I would advise you to LTB.


Forgotmycoat · 21/10/2018 00:01

It hurts your family and friends to see you being treated like this which is why they are telling you to leave. They care about you. Listen to them. You're lucky to have their love and support. They will be so happy and relieved to see you leave this man.


DistanceCall · 21/10/2018 00:01

He's abusive. Anyone who hears you say that you're unhappy and replies that you're mental is, by definition, abusive.

Your family and friends are absolutely right.

Leave. Leave right now.


Nanny0gg · 21/10/2018 00:02

Why are you with him?


1MillionSelfiesTakenByMyKids · 21/10/2018 00:05



Purpleartichoke · 21/10/2018 00:05

the situation will only get worse. It’s time to move on.


whatsthestory123 · 21/10/2018 00:06

leave while you can,time passes to fast


Loubielouslonglegs · 21/10/2018 00:08

I think you know what you need to do OP. I can't fathom how you could think otherwise. I can't fathom how some women allow some men to treat them so badly.

He's not worthy of you - please raise the bar higher - you are worth so much more than this piece of crap.


TurtleCove · 21/10/2018 00:09

He sounds like a knob and you deserve better.


mugginsalert · 21/10/2018 00:10

just imagine what it would feel like to experience what you have described for the next 5,10,20 years. Who would you be by then?


mum11970 · 21/10/2018 00:11

Run for the hills.


Lalliella · 21/10/2018 00:17

You’re unhappy, it’s affecting your mental health, please please leave.


Chalkhillblu3 · 21/10/2018 00:20

Classic abuser behaviour to be extra charming to people outside the household to cover his tracks. All the while grinding you down.


puzzledlady · 21/10/2018 00:22

Run and run FAST.


PolkaDoting · 21/10/2018 00:27

You’re family and friends are right.


bitchwitch · 21/10/2018 00:27

i just told my niece to leave one of these.
she did and had a few hard weeks but it's been worth it.
she smiles again.
get out and have a real life.


avamiah · 21/10/2018 00:28

This is emotional and mental abuse, he is a absolute bully and that’s me putting it nicely.
Walk away and quickly.
He needs you more than you need him.


Casmama · 21/10/2018 00:30

Things changed after you moved in together yet you moved in quite quickly and you have been sleeping in the spare room for a long time?

There is nothing in your op which indicates any happiness so why you need any more confirmation beyond family and friends opinions I do not know. Leave, this is fucking miserable.


avamiah · 21/10/2018 00:32

I agree with you totally and OP should leave when he is out as not to get into any confrontation with him.


TheDowagerCuntess · 21/10/2018 00:33

OP - how do you think relationships are meant to work?

I struggle to understand why you need to ask whether you should continue to put up with being treated like absolute shit.

This man doesn't like you.

You don't like him.

Why don't you both free yourselves up, and be happy?


bowdownbeforelokitty · 21/10/2018 00:38

Leave before the person you are is erased, and you become a shadow of your former self. Your family and friends are telling you to leave because they see the person they love fading away before there eyes


kateandme · 21/10/2018 00:38

your family in the outside world of us has seen it and seen you with him and want you to leave.that is huge.
and us lot on here from knowing just a snippet of ur life together see need to leave.
im not into telling people to do this.but its cealr from here in so many ways.this isn't a few issue to work through.this isn't an argument or something getting you down about life.this is a man getting you down.this isn't a bad relationship where there are two sides so you both need to work on it.this is him.gently gently grinding you the point we have the classic outcome of you sounding simply miserable and don't deserve that hun.
it will get will he.he is scraping away it ur soul just sound tired.dont let him have that.dont let anyone have ur life. they should make you bloom.yes make you angry and think they are nob heads.but not make you unhappy.come deserve better than much deserve happiness.
go get it.find you smile and find someone who loves it too


nocoolnamesleft · 21/10/2018 00:42

He's a shit. Wipe him out of your life.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

We're all short on time

Log in or sign up to use the 'See Next' or 'See all' posts by the OP (Original Poster) and cut straight to the action.

Already signed up?

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?