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To think I need to leave my partner?

189 replies

Orchid233 · 20/10/2018 23:25

Just looking for some thoughts please. Family and friends all think I need to leave but I feel I need some impartial advice.

I have been with my partner for almost two years. We moved in together pretty quickly and have been living together for about a year now. I moved into his house (that he owns) and I pay him a set amount of money each month which is equal to half of all bills (inc mortgage). It took me three months to find a permanent job after I moved to live with him. During this time I found it very stressful and I did not find him very supportive. He would just say 'are you talking about jobs again, I know you think it's stressful as you don't have a job but I do have a job and it's stressful for me'. He would make comments on the days that my rent went into his account during this time (I was lucky that I had some savings to cover this and I didn't want to free ride off of him) saying 'oh x amount of money went into my account today, might buy this, might buy that'.

After I moved in the relationship changed. He is still lovely most of the time and he is especially nice with people he works with (I actually worry he might have a thing for one woman) or neighbors etc (it is important to him what people think of him). He told me that his family and all his ex partners commented on how tight he was with money but I naively brushed this off as 'oh he's by himself with a house etc etc'. Thankfully I now have a full time job but as he says my job is not a career whilst his is, I am expected to do most of the house work and food shopping. I work shifts and when I left one pan in the sink to soak a few evenings ago he said 'was that a test to see if I'd do it'. When I get home (often very late) there are pots everywhere and mess from the dog usually all over the place. He works in architecture and I work in healthcare. Am I being unreasonable thinking that as we both work full time (regardless of whether it's a career) the housework should be both our jobs?

A relative of mine gave him some money to treat me to a meal for getting the job to which he said '£60 won't go far around here will it'. I was quite hurt at this but he said it's me who has a 'thing about being grateful'. On christmas day he said he was very disappointed with the things I had bought him and suggested things he would have liked instead'. He is very critical of my cooking and will often stand over me and tell me I'm not doing something right. If I've done the washing he will go through it and check and say 'noticed you haven't done much of mine'. If I happen to keep his clothes in the wrong place he will shout and he even says things like 'you're quite clever but you can't even use the dog lead properly'. I've told him I find these things quite upsetting to which he replies that he is only joking.

He went out to walk the dog a few weeks ago with some lovely friends that we met whilst dog walking. When he got back I was in the living room on the laptop and he said 'why were you sat there you weirdo, why didn't you come outside and say hello'.

I feel like during this time my mental health has deteriorated and we have been arguing quite a bit. I have said that I want to leave as I don't feel I should be treated this way to which he usually tells me I'm mental. I've been sleeping in the spare bedroom for a long time as I often get told off for coming to bed late if I'm very late getting in from work. I know people go through far worse and maybe I am being too sensitive but AIBU thinking I deserve better than this?

OP posts:

stitchinguru · 21/10/2018 00:50

Yes, leave for your own sanity.
I put up with similar for 32 years thinking it was ‘normal’. When he eventually had a midlife crisis and left me for another victim, my mental health was in tatters and alcohol had become my only escape from the misery inflicted!


Wannabeyorkshirelass · 21/10/2018 00:52

You don't need our permission.


LagunaBubbles · 21/10/2018 00:55

Why are you with him? In all seriousness it's worrying that you need to ask strangers whether to leave this man or not.


confusedmomm · 21/10/2018 00:55



user1473878824 · 21/10/2018 00:57

OP, literally nothing about your post makes me think you should try and make this work. He’s an arsehole who wants a skivvy, not a relationship. Bin him. He’s a complete wanker.


Mum0f2demons · 21/10/2018 00:58

I've read this before on netmums website over a month ago


Alaria4 · 21/10/2018 00:58

Please listen to all this great advice you are being given here.

This is all textbook....

Don't even think about staying for one more minute. You sound like you have supportive friends/family so I'd suggest that you listen to them and leave.

It will never get better but it will get worse.


lobeydosser · 21/10/2018 01:01

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by leaving..


sofato5miles · 21/10/2018 01:03

So, your family and friends (who love and care for you) think you should leave. What makes you think that anonymous strangers would think you should stay?

He is treating you utterly dreadfully and that will never change. He sounds horrible, please leave and go and live a great life.


tigercub50 · 21/10/2018 01:12

I go cold when I read posts like this OP. Just awful. I hope you come back to read all the replies. Please leave this sorry excuse for a man!


RosinaAlmaviva · 21/10/2018 01:19

I don't say this lightly but have my first LTB.

You say that the relationship got worse after you moved in. If you commit to it further by getting married/having children, his bad behaviour will escalate. As it stands, you're being treated like an unsatisfactory (and unpaid) servant, so I dread to think what your life might be like in 5 years' time if you stay. He is the one with MH issues and I second those posters who say to leave while he's out. He shouts at you for putting his clothes in the wrong place, so I'm concerned about how he might react when he realises you're going for good. You have the support of your family and friends so perhaps they would be willing to help you do a quick flit.


SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn · 21/10/2018 01:26

Please leave. He sounds awful and if you stay he’ll grind you down till you won’t believe your own judgement anymore. He’s the problem not you. Get rid and be free to be the person you know you can be if you didn’t have this inadequate dipstick trying to chip away at your self esteem.


Rememberfluffthecat · 21/10/2018 01:33

Leave. NOW!!!!


Orchid233 · 21/10/2018 01:36

I think this is why I'm struggling to trust my own judgement and others around me. I don't know what to believe anymore and I don't know whether what I feel is wrong, actually is wrong as I'm constantly told he's joking and he loves me and it would kill him if I left etc. I feel like I'm going crazy and that I'm the problem.

I had quite a difficult upbringing and after some counselling I realised I'm probably co-dependent as a result (not to sound all self helpy). I think this could be a big factor. I feel trapped because I am a few hours away from family and I don't really have any other reason to stay (other than my job but I know I could find work back home).

I have been struggling to come to terms with losing my father who died two years ago and whenever I talk about this he tells me 'he was old and it was ages ago, you need to get over it'. I just know that this is wrong to speak to someone like this.

Thank you so much for your messages. I think because I've started questioning my judgement so much I didn't know whether what I was telling friends and family was maybe just me being too sensitive. I am only in my late 20's but I feel like I will never meet someone if I leave. He has even said 'you won't find anyone else like me, I have a house, a good job and I'm good looking'. I almost feel sorry for him and I think this is why I have stayed so long.

OP posts:

luckylavender · 21/10/2018 01:38

Leave him


avamiah · 21/10/2018 01:48

Have I missed something but I thought it was his house and he had the better job??


AlexaAmbidextra · 21/10/2018 01:50

He is still lovely most of the time

How can you say this? He’s far from lovely. He’s a nasty shit.


skyesayshi · 21/10/2018 01:50

A relationship should be a partnership but he is just treating you like a skivvy. I rarely say it but I’m going to here.



chocolatebox1 · 21/10/2018 01:56

Please please don't put up with this, it's horrific and I guarantee it will only get worse. I read the whole thread and where I got to the bit when you wrote "I think this is why I'm struggling to trust my own judgement and others around me." I felt a shiver down my spine - I've been there and a nervous breakdown and a lot of therapy later, I regret staying. The behaviour you have described is categorically unacceptable. These things are classic abuser traits and this man is gaslighting you, hence why you're now confused what to think and are here asking for advice because you're not sure whether to listen to the people around you who've been witnessing this. I will keep watching this thread and from the bottom of my heart, I hope you get the clarity you need to see this situation for what it is - downright abusive. Please have some Thanks and remember you deserve so much better


avamiah · 21/10/2018 02:01

In my opinion and I’m sorry if it offends OP but I don’t think she wants to leave him.


toherdoor · 21/10/2018 02:02

He's an absolute, massive, enormous piece of shit.
Leave immediately, pack up your stuff and go home. Block him on everything.
Do the Freedom Program op.
And allow yourself to grieve for your dad. 


toherdoor · 21/10/2018 02:05

He has even said 'you won't find anyone else like me, I have a house, a good job and I'm good looking'.

My ex used to say this stuff to me. Guess what? I did. I found someone much nicer, better looking, with a better job.


DistanceCall · 21/10/2018 02:06

This man doesn't love you, OP.

He "tests" you. He puts you down. He says you are mental when you say that you're unhappy. He dismisses your feelings about the death of your father. He says that you'll never find anyone better than him.

He isn't nice. He is a bad person, and cruel, and will grind you down until you become a husk. He wants to cut you off from your family and friends and be completely dependent on him.

You are so, so young. Of course you will find someone who loves you and treats you well. Please leave this utter bastard ASAP.

And please, please, please don't get pregnant by him.


emss55 · 21/10/2018 02:17

With the majority vote agreeing that he is a total shit who puts you down, manipulates and uses you then surely you must see sense and LTB.


FieryGhoulie · 21/10/2018 02:23

You don't sound happy - and I doubt many women would be. He's controlling and manipulative. Please don't let him have you living the rest of your life like this. You deserve to be happy 💐

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