Just looking for some thoughts please. Family and friends all think I need to leave but I feel I need some impartial advice.
I have been with my partner for almost two years. We moved in together pretty quickly and have been living together for about a year now. I moved into his house (that he owns) and I pay him a set amount of money each month which is equal to half of all bills (inc mortgage). It took me three months to find a permanent job after I moved to live with him. During this time I found it very stressful and I did not find him very supportive. He would just say 'are you talking about jobs again, I know you think it's stressful as you don't have a job but I do have a job and it's stressful for me'. He would make comments on the days that my rent went into his account during this time (I was lucky that I had some savings to cover this and I didn't want to free ride off of him) saying 'oh x amount of money went into my account today, might buy this, might buy that'.
After I moved in the relationship changed. He is still lovely most of the time and he is especially nice with people he works with (I actually worry he might have a thing for one woman) or neighbors etc (it is important to him what people think of him). He told me that his family and all his ex partners commented on how tight he was with money but I naively brushed this off as 'oh he's by himself with a house etc etc'. Thankfully I now have a full time job but as he says my job is not a career whilst his is, I am expected to do most of the house work and food shopping. I work shifts and when I left one pan in the sink to soak a few evenings ago he said 'was that a test to see if I'd do it'. When I get home (often very late) there are pots everywhere and mess from the dog usually all over the place. He works in architecture and I work in healthcare. Am I being unreasonable thinking that as we both work full time (regardless of whether it's a career) the housework should be both our jobs?
A relative of mine gave him some money to treat me to a meal for getting the job to which he said '£60 won't go far around here will it'. I was quite hurt at this but he said it's me who has a 'thing about being grateful'. On christmas day he said he was very disappointed with the things I had bought him and suggested things he would have liked instead'. He is very critical of my cooking and will often stand over me and tell me I'm not doing something right. If I've done the washing he will go through it and check and say 'noticed you haven't done much of mine'. If I happen to keep his clothes in the wrong place he will shout and he even says things like 'you're quite clever but you can't even use the dog lead properly'. I've told him I find these things quite upsetting to which he replies that he is only joking.
He went out to walk the dog a few weeks ago with some lovely friends that we met whilst dog walking. When he got back I was in the living room on the laptop and he said 'why were you sat there you weirdo, why didn't you come outside and say hello'.
I feel like during this time my mental health has deteriorated and we have been arguing quite a bit. I have said that I want to leave as I don't feel I should be treated this way to which he usually tells me I'm mental. I've been sleeping in the spare bedroom for a long time as I often get told off for coming to bed late if I'm very late getting in from work. I know people go through far worse and maybe I am being too sensitive but AIBU thinking I deserve better than this?
AIBU?
To think I need to leave my partner?
Orchid233 · 20/10/2018 23:25
You've described coercive control, which is abuse. Every step of it. Calculated to exert greater and greater control over you. Abuse only ever gets worse.
Going on the Freedom Programme will help you understand how much is wrong with what you've experienced and give you some confidence in your own judgement.
//Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk
They won't tell you what to do, but they do have lots of information they can share with you that will help. It's free and confidential to attend. Or you can do the course online for £10.
Women's Aid are on 0808 2000 247 if you need support in planning how to leave safely. Be very careful about telling him what you intend to do.
I hope that you are able to leave and build yourself the better, happier life you deserve.
This hasn't been a healthy or normal relationship at any point. Which is another reason to do the Freedom Programme - they can help you understand what a healthy relationship with a loving, respectful partner would look like and give you the ability to spot warning signs.
Take care 
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