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To think I need to leave my partner?

189 replies

Orchid233 · 20/10/2018 23:25

Just looking for some thoughts please. Family and friends all think I need to leave but I feel I need some impartial advice.

I have been with my partner for almost two years. We moved in together pretty quickly and have been living together for about a year now. I moved into his house (that he owns) and I pay him a set amount of money each month which is equal to half of all bills (inc mortgage). It took me three months to find a permanent job after I moved to live with him. During this time I found it very stressful and I did not find him very supportive. He would just say 'are you talking about jobs again, I know you think it's stressful as you don't have a job but I do have a job and it's stressful for me'. He would make comments on the days that my rent went into his account during this time (I was lucky that I had some savings to cover this and I didn't want to free ride off of him) saying 'oh x amount of money went into my account today, might buy this, might buy that'.

After I moved in the relationship changed. He is still lovely most of the time and he is especially nice with people he works with (I actually worry he might have a thing for one woman) or neighbors etc (it is important to him what people think of him). He told me that his family and all his ex partners commented on how tight he was with money but I naively brushed this off as 'oh he's by himself with a house etc etc'. Thankfully I now have a full time job but as he says my job is not a career whilst his is, I am expected to do most of the house work and food shopping. I work shifts and when I left one pan in the sink to soak a few evenings ago he said 'was that a test to see if I'd do it'. When I get home (often very late) there are pots everywhere and mess from the dog usually all over the place. He works in architecture and I work in healthcare. Am I being unreasonable thinking that as we both work full time (regardless of whether it's a career) the housework should be both our jobs?

A relative of mine gave him some money to treat me to a meal for getting the job to which he said '£60 won't go far around here will it'. I was quite hurt at this but he said it's me who has a 'thing about being grateful'. On christmas day he said he was very disappointed with the things I had bought him and suggested things he would have liked instead'. He is very critical of my cooking and will often stand over me and tell me I'm not doing something right. If I've done the washing he will go through it and check and say 'noticed you haven't done much of mine'. If I happen to keep his clothes in the wrong place he will shout and he even says things like 'you're quite clever but you can't even use the dog lead properly'. I've told him I find these things quite upsetting to which he replies that he is only joking.

He went out to walk the dog a few weeks ago with some lovely friends that we met whilst dog walking. When he got back I was in the living room on the laptop and he said 'why were you sat there you weirdo, why didn't you come outside and say hello'.

I feel like during this time my mental health has deteriorated and we have been arguing quite a bit. I have said that I want to leave as I don't feel I should be treated this way to which he usually tells me I'm mental. I've been sleeping in the spare bedroom for a long time as I often get told off for coming to bed late if I'm very late getting in from work. I know people go through far worse and maybe I am being too sensitive but AIBU thinking I deserve better than this?

OP posts:

LilMy33 · 21/10/2018 13:56

OP you deserve so much better than how he is treating you with this quite frankly cliche mental abuse and I’m another who can highly recommend the freedom programme. It really can be a great tool to help you spot abuse- including things you might not even realise are abuse in your mind.

Also can I just say as someone who has been in an abusive relationship myself comments like “of course you should leave him! Why do you even need to ask?” Are incredibly unhelpful. When someone has been abused, gaslighted, stripped of their dignity and self worth it’s not always obvious that they should leave and actually deserve better. If it was that straightforward there would be no need for women’s aid or any other DV organisation because all relationships would be healthy and happy ones.


mumto2babyboys · 21/10/2018 14:03

100% agree it is confusing and because they aren’t horrible all the time you live on this rollercoaster where you do doubt everything and you can’t wait for them to be the nice them again.

And even though he sounds horrible you will miss him and grieve for the relationship!

When I’m alone at night and I hear something downstairs and I’m scared, i do doubt if I have done the right thing, but it’s done now lol

I think try counselling though, he is obviously intelligent if he is an architect and counselling does work for some people.

I also hate the way everyone always says just leave.
It’s a major life event getting divorced/separated.


LeftRightCentre · 21/10/2018 14:05

He's an emotionally abusive, financially abusive, gas-lighting cunt. You need to leave him. He hates you. It's nothing personal, he's an abusive twat.


ambereeree · 21/10/2018 14:11

When I’m alone at night and I hear something downstairs and I’m scared, i do doubt if I have done the right thing, but it’s done now lol
I'm glad you added LOL as I almost thought you were serious Halloween Confused


LilMy33 · 21/10/2018 14:16

Yes OP would benefit from counselling. Alone. Do not go to couples counselling with someone who is abusive in any way.


mumto2babyboys · 21/10/2018 14:26

Relate who were crap for me! do specific counselling for domestic violence/abuse.

But yeah it has to be aimed at dealing with the abuse and if he tries to gaslight you in counselling... then at least you have tried! Even just go to the first session see what you make of it


LilMy33 · 21/10/2018 14:28

Sorry mumto2 I think I misunderstood you and thought you were suggesting couples counselling.


Orchid233 · 22/10/2018 11:14

I'm overwhelmed by all the messages. Thank you so much. I've just read them all. I've resigned from my job and I've made plans to go back home for the short term and I'm going to take some time out to hopefully travel for a few months.

I think there was a few weeks gap between me and the last girl - I imagine it will be the same this time - at least that will mean he's off of my trail :)

OP posts:

ChimesAtMidnight · 22/10/2018 11:37

Glad to read this Orchid - you are worth so much more than the life you have had with him. I wish you well.


GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/10/2018 11:40

Glad you are taking action @Orchid233, he sounds poisonous and you deserve much better.

Being single is much better!


LaDilettante · 22/10/2018 11:40

Well done OP! He’s a textbook abuser and you won’t regret leaving him behind. Enjoy your freedom, your new life and recovering your sanity! I wish you all the best.


Tinkofhousepan · 22/10/2018 11:42

Leave. He is treating you badly and making out like it's all in your head. It's not you, it's him xx


MadeForThis · 22/10/2018 11:47

Well done. Focus on yourself. You're getting nothing from him. You are still young. Don't listen to his abuse.

Leave and start living


LavenderBush · 22/10/2018 11:50

Massive congratulations to you, Orchid.

So glad you are getting free of this situation.


longwayoff · 22/10/2018 12:15

Orchid congratulations, that is great news. Don't fall into another relationship too quickly, take your time, be kind to yourself and find another kjnd person to be with. It's not a lot to ask for, its the most basic requirement. Good luck.


sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 22/10/2018 12:29

Well done OP, your post made me shudder. You'll be so much happier without this man in your life.


chocolatebox1 · 22/10/2018 12:51

Well done OP - you've made a very brave and commendable decision. Once you are away from the situation you will be amazed that you even put up with it and before long you'll feel a big sense of relief. You're going to start feeling like yourself again in no time. I wish you all the best for the future and all the luck in the world Thanks


aaaaargghhhhelpme · 22/10/2018 12:52

Best update ever. So happy for you op.

Your posts made me feel quite sick. I’m positive you will be happier without him in your life. Take care Flowers


LL83 · 22/10/2018 13:27

Fantastic update, well done OP.


RosinaAlmaviva · 22/10/2018 14:03

So relieved to read your update, Orchid, you are absolutely doing the right thing. Good luck and keep posting for support if you need it. Flowers


ThatssomedeadbratCarrie · 22/10/2018 14:10

Leave leave leave leave x a million. Come on op. He is abusive and gaslighting. Thank your lucky starts you haven’t wasted a lifetime on this twat.

Don’t even explain. When he is out pack up and go.


DoYouLikeBasghetti · 22/10/2018 14:50

Enjoy your travels and good luck! Flowers


ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/10/2018 14:51

Excellent decision, Orchid - take some time to re-establish who you are and who you want to be, without some emotional leech draining you of your life essence.

Travelling is a great idea! And when you get back, make sure no one ever gets close to putting you back into a similar situation - don't stand for any of this type of shit ever again. SO happy that you're escaping! ThanksWine


notapizzaeater · 22/10/2018 14:54

Great update 😀


LavenderBush · 22/10/2018 14:56

I just can't believe that, while earning more than you, he had you paying half the bills (including mortgage... on a property in his sole name), plus he expected you to do all the housework etc when you both worked FT?!

And he seems to think you can't end the relationship without his permission?

What an arsewipe.

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