To think I need to leave my partner?
Orchid233 · 20/10/2018 23:25
Just looking for some thoughts please. Family and friends all think I need to leave but I feel I need some impartial advice.
I have been with my partner for almost two years. We moved in together pretty quickly and have been living together for about a year now. I moved into his house (that he owns) and I pay him a set amount of money each month which is equal to half of all bills (inc mortgage). It took me three months to find a permanent job after I moved to live with him. During this time I found it very stressful and I did not find him very supportive. He would just say 'are you talking about jobs again, I know you think it's stressful as you don't have a job but I do have a job and it's stressful for me'. He would make comments on the days that my rent went into his account during this time (I was lucky that I had some savings to cover this and I didn't want to free ride off of him) saying 'oh x amount of money went into my account today, might buy this, might buy that'.
After I moved in the relationship changed. He is still lovely most of the time and he is especially nice with people he works with (I actually worry he might have a thing for one woman) or neighbors etc (it is important to him what people think of him). He told me that his family and all his ex partners commented on how tight he was with money but I naively brushed this off as 'oh he's by himself with a house etc etc'. Thankfully I now have a full time job but as he says my job is not a career whilst his is, I am expected to do most of the house work and food shopping. I work shifts and when I left one pan in the sink to soak a few evenings ago he said 'was that a test to see if I'd do it'. When I get home (often very late) there are pots everywhere and mess from the dog usually all over the place. He works in architecture and I work in healthcare. Am I being unreasonable thinking that as we both work full time (regardless of whether it's a career) the housework should be both our jobs?
A relative of mine gave him some money to treat me to a meal for getting the job to which he said '£60 won't go far around here will it'. I was quite hurt at this but he said it's me who has a 'thing about being grateful'. On christmas day he said he was very disappointed with the things I had bought him and suggested things he would have liked instead'. He is very critical of my cooking and will often stand over me and tell me I'm not doing something right. If I've done the washing he will go through it and check and say 'noticed you haven't done much of mine'. If I happen to keep his clothes in the wrong place he will shout and he even says things like 'you're quite clever but you can't even use the dog lead properly'. I've told him I find these things quite upsetting to which he replies that he is only joking.
He went out to walk the dog a few weeks ago with some lovely friends that we met whilst dog walking. When he got back I was in the living room on the laptop and he said 'why were you sat there you weirdo, why didn't you come outside and say hello'.
I feel like during this time my mental health has deteriorated and we have been arguing quite a bit. I have said that I want to leave as I don't feel I should be treated this way to which he usually tells me I'm mental. I've been sleeping in the spare bedroom for a long time as I often get told off for coming to bed late if I'm very late getting in from work. I know people go through far worse and maybe I am being too sensitive but AIBU thinking I deserve better than this?
blackvelvetband · 21/10/2018 10:58
Another one for LTB
what would you tell a friend to do if she came asking for advice in the same situ?
If you stayed with him and had kids, your life would be hell. He criticises your cooking... just imagine how much worse it would be if he criticised your parenting!
He's an absolute bastard
Please be brave here. It is often harder to do the right thing in situs like this, but I think you know what you need to do
Rudgie47 · 21/10/2018 11:01
You need to leave tomorrow as soon as hes gone to work. Ring your Mum/Dad/ Sister or friend and ask if you can stop for a while until you get a place sorted.
Phone in sick after hes left, and collect all your belongings and just leave a note saying you have left and for him to not contact you again.
Block him on everything.
Lovebeingmama · 21/10/2018 11:15
An abusive control freak. My ex was like this. He was charm personified, told me he loved me, we moved into together very quickly. At that point it all started to change. Gaslighting, testing me, being critical. Often it was under the guise of saying it was something someone else had said, that he happened to agree with. It’s belittling you step by step. Soon I was tired of fighting it, then the more you take the more they will feel they can get away with it.
Run, run, run!
BlueJava · 21/10/2018 11:31
He sounds awful and not good for you (or anyone else?!) at all. Many of those comments are vile and the traits of being ungrateful, hurtful to you, criticising you and telling you how to do things sounds awful. I suspect writing all this down for you post has helped you see YANBU and he is DBU! But if not then please read the post here and make a plan to leave. You are worth a lot more than that!
ChimesAtMidnight · 21/10/2018 11:34
Just what is it about him that makes you love him Op ?
There is a whole world of difference between a loving partnership and living with a person as a live-in skivvy.
As I type this, my H is folding and putting away the washing (that he put in the machine this morning), having just finished the washing pots and pans from last night's family dinner because neither of us could be bothered to do it late last night.
What have I been doing all morning ? Having a lazy one drinking tea and catching up on the news papers.
Leave this man op, he is not your partner in any way, shape or form. He is your landlord with benefits.
simplepimple · 21/10/2018 11:46
Leaving would be the best thing you could do for you.
Remember though that people like him ramp up the loving behaviour that captured you at the start as soon as they feel you might be thinking about going. Or they cry and say they can't live without you. Either style is just more of his controlling attitude.
Time to set yourself free op.
eggncress · 21/10/2018 11:49
OP, the reason you are questioning your own judgment is because he has planned it that way.
Abuse is a cycle.He’ll treat you badly. When you question his behaviour/ actions he’ll gaslight you ( deny it/ tell you your going mad/ being over sensitive). He’ll throw in the odd bit of love bombing / nice behaviour to make you feel he’s not that bad after all ( so that where you had made up your mind to leave, you now tell yourself that you were imagining it all and you’d best stay after all). He’ll be extra nice to outsiders ( you’ll question yourself again here... it must be you) ... and so it goes on and on and before you know it you’ve wasted 20 years of your life with him and you’re a mental wreck with no self esteem and lost identity.
Don’t have kids with him.
Believe me, no man is absolutely better than this man.
But there are nice men out there only you won’t meet one while you’re with this asshole.
You are not imagining things, this is real. Move to be with your family and get a job once you’ve left.
Don’t tell him you’re leaving, just go when he’s out.
Women’s Aid can help too. I phoned/ emailed my local one rather than the national helpline.
YouOKHun · 21/10/2018 11:51
I think this is why I'm struggling to trust my own judgement and others around me. I don't know what to believe anymore and I don't know whether what I feel is wrong, actually is wrong as I'm constantly told he's joking and he loves me and it would kill him if I left etc. I feel like I'm going crazy and that I'm the problem
I know gaslighting as a concept is being talked about a lot at the moment but this confusion you feel and the doubts you have about your own judgement and abilities really is as a result of his manipulation of you. This manipulation can be delivered in a fun or jokey way, in fact that is one of the most leathal forms; no shouting, no bruises, no obvious evidence but massively damaging as you’re clearly finding. I think your family and loved ones can see this and are worried about you. Please listen to them and to the PPs and leave as soon as you can.
mistermagpie · 21/10/2018 12:46
Good god, he has absolutely no redeeming features does he?!
Leave him, leave him now.
I left my marriage aged 31, thought I'd die alone etc. By 35 I was married to a lovely man and had our own home and a baby. You're so young, don't settle for this guy, he's not fit to luck your boots.
Didactylos · 21/10/2018 13:27
Sounds just like the arse that I was with in my 20s
The fault finding/game playing/standing over you critisising/making you doubt yourself and your perception of reality is a classic, the subtle little put downs of yourself, your ambitions and your family.
Of course while hes stirring and gaslighting and manipulating you like this, (with both bad and loving behaviour) the sands of your relationship keep moving under your feet and you cant stand with a clear head and evaluate things. This is why he does it. You won't want to believe this because its crazy, why would someone do this to the person they love? Behaving like this in a relationship wouldnt cross your radar, which is why you doubt the evidence of your own sense and memory.
One of the things that really helped me was a good friend who one day made a mild observation that really stuck with me: she said -' its a good thing to work at a relationship but there comes a point when the relationship seems to be all work, and only one person is doing all the work, making all changes, trying to adjust their personality and habits around the other, then its really not a relationship. 20 years later she is still a friend and he is long gone (and Ive gone on to have a happy and successful relationship, children etc)
The other was to make a concrete record of events and my feelings. It might be an idea to write down some of the incidents that get twisted (somewhere private eg a written diary kept at work) and use it to remind yourself of the truth of the relationship when you find yourself getting confused or told you are wrong about your reality. This was really good for me when we broke up as I could go back and read the facts about an incident and how I felt without it being minimised and denied by him. And it showed me how much he was trying to mess with my mind, and how many blatant lies he told.
mumto2babyboys · 21/10/2018 13:27
From personal experience. I’ve left and it’s brilliant not being insulted or treated like crap but... it is very hard financially paying for absolutely everything on your own and very lonely living alone in a big house with no adult conversations anymore and then being single again after 30....
it’s just like wtf!!!
You should join tinder and have a look and see what the typical dating options are, there are not many suitable men because most people are already settled down. Not that you need a man but no one really wants to stay single forever
You should at least try counselling first then if he still won’t be nice to you at least you know you’ve tried everything
Oh and make a plan for you dog if you do leave take the dog to a family member’s house before you leave, otherwise you might never see it again.
He will probably move on straight away like most men do after a break up
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