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To think I need to leave my partner?

189 replies

Orchid233 · 20/10/2018 23:25

Just looking for some thoughts please. Family and friends all think I need to leave but I feel I need some impartial advice.

I have been with my partner for almost two years. We moved in together pretty quickly and have been living together for about a year now. I moved into his house (that he owns) and I pay him a set amount of money each month which is equal to half of all bills (inc mortgage). It took me three months to find a permanent job after I moved to live with him. During this time I found it very stressful and I did not find him very supportive. He would just say 'are you talking about jobs again, I know you think it's stressful as you don't have a job but I do have a job and it's stressful for me'. He would make comments on the days that my rent went into his account during this time (I was lucky that I had some savings to cover this and I didn't want to free ride off of him) saying 'oh x amount of money went into my account today, might buy this, might buy that'.

After I moved in the relationship changed. He is still lovely most of the time and he is especially nice with people he works with (I actually worry he might have a thing for one woman) or neighbors etc (it is important to him what people think of him). He told me that his family and all his ex partners commented on how tight he was with money but I naively brushed this off as 'oh he's by himself with a house etc etc'. Thankfully I now have a full time job but as he says my job is not a career whilst his is, I am expected to do most of the house work and food shopping. I work shifts and when I left one pan in the sink to soak a few evenings ago he said 'was that a test to see if I'd do it'. When I get home (often very late) there are pots everywhere and mess from the dog usually all over the place. He works in architecture and I work in healthcare. Am I being unreasonable thinking that as we both work full time (regardless of whether it's a career) the housework should be both our jobs?

A relative of mine gave him some money to treat me to a meal for getting the job to which he said '£60 won't go far around here will it'. I was quite hurt at this but he said it's me who has a 'thing about being grateful'. On christmas day he said he was very disappointed with the things I had bought him and suggested things he would have liked instead'. He is very critical of my cooking and will often stand over me and tell me I'm not doing something right. If I've done the washing he will go through it and check and say 'noticed you haven't done much of mine'. If I happen to keep his clothes in the wrong place he will shout and he even says things like 'you're quite clever but you can't even use the dog lead properly'. I've told him I find these things quite upsetting to which he replies that he is only joking.

He went out to walk the dog a few weeks ago with some lovely friends that we met whilst dog walking. When he got back I was in the living room on the laptop and he said 'why were you sat there you weirdo, why didn't you come outside and say hello'.

I feel like during this time my mental health has deteriorated and we have been arguing quite a bit. I have said that I want to leave as I don't feel I should be treated this way to which he usually tells me I'm mental. I've been sleeping in the spare bedroom for a long time as I often get told off for coming to bed late if I'm very late getting in from work. I know people go through far worse and maybe I am being too sensitive but AIBU thinking I deserve better than this?

OP posts:

tallwivglasses · 21/10/2018 02:25

Has anyone here said 'Awww give him a chance'? No. Because he's a toxic piece of shit. You really will not regret walking away.


penisbeakers · 21/10/2018 02:26

Christ he sounds like a right galloping barrel of wanksocks. Run away.


ohfourfoxache · 21/10/2018 02:31

Run like fuck

He’s a nasty wanker


polkadotpixie · 21/10/2018 02:32

He sounds like an arsehole. Take the dog and leave him ASAP


RosinaAlmaviva · 21/10/2018 02:33

Orchid you're not trapped. You're still young, you have your own income, you have support from friends and family, and you could find work back in your home town.

He knows this and that is why he is relentlessly brainwashing you with reasons to stay: "I love you, so it doesn't matter that I treat you like shit." "Ignore the abuse, it's only a joke." "You'll never find anyone as good as me." It's called gaslighting - see if any of this resonates with you.

He is the one who will struggle to find someone else who will take his crap, and he knows that too. It won't kill him if you leave, but he'll have to wash his own dirty pots and find a new victim to bully.

I have been struggling to come to terms with losing my father who died two years ago and whenever I talk about this he tells me 'he was old and it was ages ago, you need to get over it'. I just know that this is wrong to speak to someone like this.

Yes, it would be unbelievably callous coming from a stranger, never mind your own partner. It's of a piece with the rest of his behaviour, which is cruel, controlling and narcissistic. Something is very badly wrong with this man. You can't fix him, the only thing you can do is leave.


ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/10/2018 02:37

He is a selfish, self-absorbed, self-centred fuckwit and you should leave him straight away. He will be absolutely FINE without you - he likes having his live in housekeeper around, who he also gets to shag and who pays him for the privilege of being his housekeeper/shag partner and verbal punchbag.

Do get away from him - go back nearer to your family and friends and get another job there - you owe this prick precisely nothing.
You owe it to yourself and your own mental health to get away before he completely grinds you down.


Topseyt · 21/10/2018 02:37

He is an utter arsewipe. Dump him.

He doesn't sound as though he has anything whatsoever to recommend him.


Shadow1234 · 21/10/2018 02:51

everything you have written , could have been written by my close relative.
She was in the same position as you '30' years ago! And guess what?
She is still there! Its beyond belief I know, and the whole family have tried to help her get out. We have had her stay at our homes, we have helped her find somewhere to live, given her money, begged her and cried - but he always comes crying and telling her 'he will change', 'he didnt mean it' blah blah...and convinced her to go back. (She even had a mental breakdown and ended up in hospital).

She was always told 'you will never get anyone else', and 'whose gonna look at you?', which eventually convinced her that this was true. She has no self-esteem, spent 30 years living a miserable life, as someone elses dogsbody. She thought she was 'The One' that could change him. She would always defend his behaviour to others.

Believe me - it can only get worse! You are 2 years in, put it down to a bad experience and please move on a.s.a.p (for your own sanity).

You are young and still have your whole life ahead of you.
Men who say these vile things, do so, because they are the ones who are insecure, and when they say 'you couldnt live without me', what they are really saying is 'they cant live without you'. This is because you give these weak people power and control over you, and its the only way they survive. (they rarely change).

You sound like his house-maid. Tell him to go get a 'Mother figure' if thats what he wants.

Fwiw - he may well own his home and have a 'career', but he certainly doesnt have much else going for him, does he!!

Sorry this is long, but I cannot stress what others have said. You must get your life back and start living again.

All the best 💐


ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/10/2018 04:19

I think there is still an insidious feeling that women "need" a man around, and that any man is better than none. Not all women, obviously, but sufficient - and that is how a man can get away with saying "who else would look at you, no one else would have you" - if women were less programmed to believe that they "need" a man in their life, this would hold absolutely NO weight whatsoever!

I think that Shadow's story is an absolute example of that. And should act as a warning to you, Orchid.


Cheby · 21/10/2018 07:39

Get out get out get out. Don’t tell him what you’re doing either. Either arrange to go and stay with a friend/relative or find somewhere to rent; you mentioned working in healthcare, sometimes hospitals have nurses accommodation they can allow employees to stay in if they are struggling to find a place (even if they are not nurses).

Get your stuff together and get it moved out when he’s not there. And I’d time it so you don’t pay him the final month’s ‘rent’. He’s had more than enough contributions to his mortgage from you.


daisychain01 · 21/10/2018 08:00

A relative of mine gave him some money to treat me to a meal

It doesn't help the situation having a relative treating you like his child, giving him the money for a meal, like you aren't an autonomous adult. That plays right into his hands.

Plan your escape from this completely toxic situation, and you'll wish you did it sooner. Thankfully you're young so 2 years is a lucky escape, don't look back in 10 years and wish you'd make the decision.

Have you got any rw support to help you?


Angrybird345 · 21/10/2018 08:07

Leave him. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you and it can’t be this turd that you spend it with. Make a plan and get out. Be strong. It will be worth it. Your worth it. He’s not.


Thebluedog · 21/10/2018 08:11

I’m struggling to see why you would stay with him


Liverbird77 · 21/10/2018 08:11

Just reading your post made me feel upset and angry. I can't imagine what it would feel like to live it. He sounds horrible... Talking about what he would buy for himself when your money went into his account and being horrid about Christmas presents. Sounds like a nasty character. It's up to you, of course, but my advice is to leave. There are plenty of kind and supportive partners out there.


Tramadolmaybe · 21/10/2018 08:20

Op, please read through the replies thoroughly. Not one person is saying stay, inc me (LTB).
Your family and friends are right and I think it’s good that they’re aware. I think you now need to figure out how and when.
If you choose to tell him before you go, please be ready for his reaction. He’ll likeiy either be nasty or be over board nice so you feel guilty and stay.


TestingTestingWonTooFree · 21/10/2018 08:26

you won't find anyone else like me

Hopefully not. Get out op.


MereDintofPandiculation · 21/10/2018 08:28

I feel like during this time my mental health has deteriorated and we have been arguing quite a bit. And you are seriously considering in staying in a situation which is bad for your mental health? A situation which is making you ill?


MrsJane · 21/10/2018 08:42

Two years?! This is the honeymoon stage, the loved up, happy, fun times. This is as good as it gets!!

The fact that you're already sleeping in the spare room speaks volumes.

You're not married, no kids, you're not on the mortgage, get the hell out of there!


nightmares · 21/10/2018 08:56

This man is not lovely, nor does he love you. A person who really loves you will not treat you the way your partner does.

Do not stay with a man who does not love you. You deserve better. You really DO deserve better, no matter what this shithead or anybody else tries to you, no matter what your own gaslighted, confused mind tells you. Everyone deserves to live with those who love and treat them well.

I know this may hurt, especially if you are a romantic soul who believes that true love can solve all the problems in the world (I used to be like that and made some terrible mistakes), but your partner is an abusive, manipulative man-child-vampire who needs to suck the life out of a willing victim in order to satisy his own sadistic nature. And he won't get better, because he knows he is a tightwad and a dickwad and is being totally open about the kind of person he is.

He is showing you who is. BELIEVE HIM AND RUN FOR THE HILLS.

I know we are only names on the internet, but please listen to the free advice here... or you are in for a lot of expensive theraphy (if you can afford it) or a miserable life if you decide to stay with this bastard.


nightmares · 21/10/2018 09:00

And jesus, you are so young! You are in your 20s, you have all the time in the world to erase this man and find a good one, I'd kill to be that young and undo all my mistakes.

LTB and you will find how liberating that is, to live without that constant pain and abuse, in a matter of days. If you are not ready to leave him right now, at least Please look into the Freedom program. This man is poison, you know it otherwise you would not have posted here but I do get that there is a difference between asking for advice and acting on it... if you can't get away this minute, you need to at least be ready with a contigency plan when he gets worse (and he will).


Figgygal · 21/10/2018 09:01

Leave and don't look back he's not worth it

I'd make a plan and then do it very quickly, don't tell him what you plan so he can't change your mind


Talia99 · 21/10/2018 09:02

He sounds awful. You say ‘other people have it worse’ but there is no OK level of abuse. You don’t have to go in front of a tribunal and convince them he’s bad enough that you should be permitted to leave.

He’s treating you like shit and you are paying him for the privilege. Be glad you aren’t married with kids and financially dependent on him and get out now.

Speaking of kids, if you want children, is this really the man you want to father them? Imagine him treating children the way he treats you.


troodiedoo · 21/10/2018 09:05

Please leave this nasty man. Make plans, book time off work quietly. Then one day while he's at his job, off you fuck.

Your job has value. You have value. You should be treated with love and respect, by others and yourself. Good luck Flowers


ferntwist · 21/10/2018 09:10

He’s horrible! Run for the hills OP. Don’t let this become your destiny.


flamingnoravera · 21/10/2018 09:15

Hi OP can you imagine how lovely it will be when you are free of this man? You'll have your own money, you'll feel happier and you will be free to make new friends. If you don't want to do housework you don't have to and you can leave pans in the sink for weeks if you choose. Keep this in you mind and think about the steps you can take to leave. Once you have a plan it seems manageable. Good luck.

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