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To think I need to leave my partner?

189 replies

Orchid233 · 20/10/2018 23:25

Just looking for some thoughts please. Family and friends all think I need to leave but I feel I need some impartial advice.

I have been with my partner for almost two years. We moved in together pretty quickly and have been living together for about a year now. I moved into his house (that he owns) and I pay him a set amount of money each month which is equal to half of all bills (inc mortgage). It took me three months to find a permanent job after I moved to live with him. During this time I found it very stressful and I did not find him very supportive. He would just say 'are you talking about jobs again, I know you think it's stressful as you don't have a job but I do have a job and it's stressful for me'. He would make comments on the days that my rent went into his account during this time (I was lucky that I had some savings to cover this and I didn't want to free ride off of him) saying 'oh x amount of money went into my account today, might buy this, might buy that'.

After I moved in the relationship changed. He is still lovely most of the time and he is especially nice with people he works with (I actually worry he might have a thing for one woman) or neighbors etc (it is important to him what people think of him). He told me that his family and all his ex partners commented on how tight he was with money but I naively brushed this off as 'oh he's by himself with a house etc etc'. Thankfully I now have a full time job but as he says my job is not a career whilst his is, I am expected to do most of the house work and food shopping. I work shifts and when I left one pan in the sink to soak a few evenings ago he said 'was that a test to see if I'd do it'. When I get home (often very late) there are pots everywhere and mess from the dog usually all over the place. He works in architecture and I work in healthcare. Am I being unreasonable thinking that as we both work full time (regardless of whether it's a career) the housework should be both our jobs?

A relative of mine gave him some money to treat me to a meal for getting the job to which he said '£60 won't go far around here will it'. I was quite hurt at this but he said it's me who has a 'thing about being grateful'. On christmas day he said he was very disappointed with the things I had bought him and suggested things he would have liked instead'. He is very critical of my cooking and will often stand over me and tell me I'm not doing something right. If I've done the washing he will go through it and check and say 'noticed you haven't done much of mine'. If I happen to keep his clothes in the wrong place he will shout and he even says things like 'you're quite clever but you can't even use the dog lead properly'. I've told him I find these things quite upsetting to which he replies that he is only joking.

He went out to walk the dog a few weeks ago with some lovely friends that we met whilst dog walking. When he got back I was in the living room on the laptop and he said 'why were you sat there you weirdo, why didn't you come outside and say hello'.

I feel like during this time my mental health has deteriorated and we have been arguing quite a bit. I have said that I want to leave as I don't feel I should be treated this way to which he usually tells me I'm mental. I've been sleeping in the spare bedroom for a long time as I often get told off for coming to bed late if I'm very late getting in from work. I know people go through far worse and maybe I am being too sensitive but AIBU thinking I deserve better than this?

OP posts:

Bluelady · 21/10/2018 09:24

If you were my daughter I'd be packing your stuff up for you now. Leave and don't look back. You're living with a horrible, nasty excuse for a human being.


Kemer2018 · 21/10/2018 09:28

Leave him. You're not married. You've got no financial ties. No kids.
You don't need to stay with him.
Get straight onto finding a place to live.


userabcname · 21/10/2018 09:40

Oh my god leave immediately. Better to be single, independent and free than stuck with some vile piece of shit who makes you question your own sanity.


sabrinathethirtysomethingwitch · 21/10/2018 09:46

OP you need to leave this man


TeachesOfPeaches · 21/10/2018 09:50

Leave before you get pregnant.


Raintime · 21/10/2018 09:58

Are you with my ex?? Because I married him and had children with him.

I was in my late twenties and worried about meeting someone else ever again.

I love my children, but with you in the same situation, don't do it. The children suffer too when you separate. Because he thinks of them only as collateral damage to the missiles he sends at you for daring to leave.

Leave now while you can. I spent 5 years of hell going through the courts over the children with the ex. That was even when he had free access to them. You do not want that for 5 years or for potential children. He will just use them like a weapon to punish you. No child deserves a father like your bf or my ex. They are totally wound up in themselves and will say anything to keep you and keep you looking after them and treating them like a king. The 'I love you's are utter bullshit. I love you. See I can say it and I don't know you. Anyone can say that. But its deeds that count, not words.

It is your choice what to do, but you deserve a normal loving relationship like anyone else. This is not loving and fun and friendly. It is controlling and damaging.

If you choose to leave, like others say, don't talk about it. Just get your stuff together while he is at work and go leaving the keys behind. Say nothing. DO NOT leave a forwarding address. In hindsight, I wish I had done that. But I was too worried about hurting his precious feelings. Its only after we broke up and continually hurt the children with his behaviour that I realised that he doesn't actually have an ounce of empathy for other people. Only for himself. I think you will find the same with him.


tiggerkid · 21/10/2018 10:05

A very simple answer: a loving relationship is supposed to feel good. It's supposed to make you feel good.

Now question: do you feel good in this relationship?


BitOfANameChange · 21/10/2018 10:11

I left someone a lot like this. After 3 decades.

My self esteem was rock bottom, the DCs have MH issues as a result of being with him, and he also messed up my head. Even now, after some time away, I occasionally find myself wondering if I was too hard on him in leaving, wondering if it was really that bad. That's how messed up I got.

But I look on here and get support, just by knowing that yes, it really was bad.

But I have survived, and even thrived. My self esteem has risen massively, even colleagues have commented. I am making plans with the DC for our future. And these days I know I can just tell him to fuck off, when before I'd have tried to avoid saying anything negative.

OP, please leave. Don't let it get as bad as I was.


HobNobcentral · 21/10/2018 10:17

Please leave NOW

Just do it, before he starts to realise what you are planning, because next thing that will happen is he will start talking about having a family.
Reread RAINTIMEs post.

Please leave, if us and your family and friends can't convince you call Women's Aid, they will confirm that this is coercive control, as said by other posters.


TombStonebake · 21/10/2018 10:24

Fucking hell yes of course you should leave. Immediately.

You say you won’t meet anyone else because you’re in your late twenties? Yes, you definitely CAN meet someone. Someone who actually deserves you. I think most couples I know met later than their late twenties.

Even on the off chance you didn’t meet anyone else, would you seriously rather be living with a bully who clearly takes pleasure in being cruel to you, just so that you aren’t alone? No. Of course you wouldn’t. That would be like choosing to go to prison. Leave.


longwayoff · 21/10/2018 10:26

Sigh. This man wants a free housekeeper with sex and contempt rights thrown in. I am much nastier than most on mumsnet so won't say what I would do other than I would leave. So should you. ASAP.


InSearchOfAPear · 21/10/2018 10:30

It sounds like he is a controlling person. Often this is due to the controlling persons own insecurities. He may need to keep you down by using negative phrases about you to be able to feel better about himself. Once you are miserable he can then be kind to you! In my experience this never gets better and he will erode your self confidence and your happiness along with it. If you are really undecided, why not spend some time away (stay with a friend you can have fun with) for a few days/ weeks and I'm guessing you won't miss him at all.


booboobutt · 21/10/2018 10:32

You need to leave him, absolutely. Take a secret day off work. Get all your things together and leave when he's out. Go to stay with a friend until you find a job and a flat. Is this possible for you? If not call Women's Aid. Don't even tell him you're leaving, because he will only twist everything you say. Just completely ghost him.


bullyingadvice2017 · 21/10/2018 10:34

He sounds horrible. Get out, no one should have to put up with this shit.


rainbowstardrops · 21/10/2018 10:35

You need to listen to your family and leave Thanks


Aussiemum78 · 21/10/2018 10:35

You're describing my ex. I had to check you weren't his new girlfriend.

His life is easier now you pay half his bills and clean his house. He's using you. He's awful and you deserve better.


bullyingadvice2017 · 21/10/2018 10:37

Imagine if you got pregnant. Miles away from your family and friends and trapped with nothing but his shit to look forward to. Get yourself home.


babbscrabbs · 21/10/2018 10:41

YANBU. he sounds awful. Please believe in yourself and get out.


lisasimpsonssaxophone · 21/10/2018 10:42

OP, one thing that really jumps out at me from your post is that you’ve told him you want to leave but he just says you’re crazy etc. You’ve fallen into the trap that so many abused women fall into: thinking (even subconsciously) that you need his permission to leave. This is because the power dynamics in your relationship are so unbalanced, so you’ve gradually been trained to question your own thoughts and feelings, and to think that everything needs his approval. This is classic ‘gaslighting’ and it’s completely insidious.

So let’s get one thing straight: you do NOT need a ‘reason’ to leave him. You do not need his agreement, or an admittance from him that he’s abusive. You do not need other people to agree either, whether that’s friends/family or a bunch of strangers on the internet. If you don’t want to be with him any more then that is the ONLY reason you need to leave him. Do not waste your time trying to get his agreement because you will end up like I did: spending 10 years ‘trying’ to leave but constantly getting pulled back in.

My ex was very similar to yours, right down to the standing over me while I was washing up and telling me I was doing it wrong. We finally broke up when I was in my 30s (so older than you) and I met a wonderful man who has shown me what a healthy relationship actually looks like. And let me tell you, it is a whole world apart from what I put up with with my ex, and what you’re putting up with right now! If you get out of this relationship then I promise you one day you will look back, like me, and think ‘how did I ever think that was normal?!’ I know you can’t imagine it now though, so you’ll just have to take my word for it.

And for what it’s worth, my partner now works longer hours than me and makes far more money than I do, but he still does half the housework and has never once suggested that his ‘career’ means I should do more than him. That’s bullshit, but I think deep down you already know that!


Saracen · 21/10/2018 10:45

You haven't said a single thing in his favour. Not one.

All of the unpleasant things he has done and said, and there is literally nothing on the other side of the balance scales.

He will only make you miserable. You deserve to be happy.


mimibunz · 21/10/2018 10:46

Wow! He’s a dickhead. Leave and don’t look back.


BewareOfDragons · 21/10/2018 10:50

Please get yourself out of there.

He's vile and abusive.


StrangeLookingParasite · 21/10/2018 10:50

Jeez Louise what a shithead. You don't need his permission (though he's training you to think you do), just go.


RangeRider · 21/10/2018 10:51

you won't find anyone else like me
So he has actually said one honest nice thing then! With any luck you won't find anyone else like him. If your family tell you to leave, your friends tell you to leave, and a unanimous group of unbiased strangers on the internet say 'leave' then I'd say there's a really good chance that leaving would be the best option.
And I'd say that healthcare was more of a 'career' than architecture!


Marmalady75 · 21/10/2018 10:51

Run. Run as fast as you can and don’t look back! You need to get out of this situation now. Don’t worry about “what if I donymeet someone else?” At this point your energy needs to go on getting yourself out of this current relationship, it worrying about what might or might not happen in the future.

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