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To think I need to leave my partner?

189 replies

Orchid233 · 20/10/2018 23:25

Just looking for some thoughts please. Family and friends all think I need to leave but I feel I need some impartial advice.

I have been with my partner for almost two years. We moved in together pretty quickly and have been living together for about a year now. I moved into his house (that he owns) and I pay him a set amount of money each month which is equal to half of all bills (inc mortgage). It took me three months to find a permanent job after I moved to live with him. During this time I found it very stressful and I did not find him very supportive. He would just say 'are you talking about jobs again, I know you think it's stressful as you don't have a job but I do have a job and it's stressful for me'. He would make comments on the days that my rent went into his account during this time (I was lucky that I had some savings to cover this and I didn't want to free ride off of him) saying 'oh x amount of money went into my account today, might buy this, might buy that'.

After I moved in the relationship changed. He is still lovely most of the time and he is especially nice with people he works with (I actually worry he might have a thing for one woman) or neighbors etc (it is important to him what people think of him). He told me that his family and all his ex partners commented on how tight he was with money but I naively brushed this off as 'oh he's by himself with a house etc etc'. Thankfully I now have a full time job but as he says my job is not a career whilst his is, I am expected to do most of the house work and food shopping. I work shifts and when I left one pan in the sink to soak a few evenings ago he said 'was that a test to see if I'd do it'. When I get home (often very late) there are pots everywhere and mess from the dog usually all over the place. He works in architecture and I work in healthcare. Am I being unreasonable thinking that as we both work full time (regardless of whether it's a career) the housework should be both our jobs?

A relative of mine gave him some money to treat me to a meal for getting the job to which he said '£60 won't go far around here will it'. I was quite hurt at this but he said it's me who has a 'thing about being grateful'. On christmas day he said he was very disappointed with the things I had bought him and suggested things he would have liked instead'. He is very critical of my cooking and will often stand over me and tell me I'm not doing something right. If I've done the washing he will go through it and check and say 'noticed you haven't done much of mine'. If I happen to keep his clothes in the wrong place he will shout and he even says things like 'you're quite clever but you can't even use the dog lead properly'. I've told him I find these things quite upsetting to which he replies that he is only joking.

He went out to walk the dog a few weeks ago with some lovely friends that we met whilst dog walking. When he got back I was in the living room on the laptop and he said 'why were you sat there you weirdo, why didn't you come outside and say hello'.

I feel like during this time my mental health has deteriorated and we have been arguing quite a bit. I have said that I want to leave as I don't feel I should be treated this way to which he usually tells me I'm mental. I've been sleeping in the spare bedroom for a long time as I often get told off for coming to bed late if I'm very late getting in from work. I know people go through far worse and maybe I am being too sensitive but AIBU thinking I deserve better than this?

OP posts:
Thehop · 20/10/2018 23:30

Oh my god of course you do!!! Please absolutely leave!!!!!

Gammeldragz · 20/10/2018 23:33

He is manipulative and abusive. You deserve better x

Merryoldgoat · 20/10/2018 23:33

Sweet Jesus - why on Earth WOULDN’T you leave him?

IdblowJonSnow · 20/10/2018 23:33

So many red flags here. You deserve way better than this arsehole. He is constantly undermining you and when you question him, it's a joke?!! Not very bloody funny is it? Get him gone please! CakeFlowers

Singlenotsingle · 20/10/2018 23:33

He's using you. For money, for housework, for his own convenience! He's just an arse. Get out!

Coffeeisnecessary · 20/10/2018 23:34

He sounds absolutely awful. Listen to your family and friends and get out of there now.

Budgieinaberet · 20/10/2018 23:34

Whoah I couldn't read your whole post.
He is a wanker

Letsmove1t · 20/10/2018 23:38

He’s meant to make your life better- does he?

Sparklesocks · 20/10/2018 23:38

Yes I’d leave, he sounds obnoxious, unsupportive, ungrateful and controlling. When you said you were having concerns about your relationship he didn’t try to talk it out or hear why you think that, he dismissed you and accused you of being ‘mental’ (a bit gaslighty, making you feel like you’re imagining things or overreacting).
Your friends and family also want you to leave and they only want the best for you.
How he is seen by other people is more important than how you see him.

Also, 2 years isn’t really that long really. You should be barely out of the honeymoon phase. It shouldn’t be this hard already.

Please leave.

redexpat · 20/10/2018 23:38

Your family and friends are right.

Honeyroar · 20/10/2018 23:38

Gosh I hope this isn't real. Yes you need to leave him, you're barely with him anyway, he treats you like a lodger that he sleeps with. My friend was with a guy like this for years, we all hated how he treated her, he just didn't seem to value her. She finally left and met someone decent. She now has a lovely relationship.

Nesssie · 20/10/2018 23:39

Please read your post OP and imagine your sister or best friend was telling you all that.

I think you know you deserve better, and it sounds like you have support if you do. Best of luck Flowers

LL83 · 20/10/2018 23:39

I hope now you have written it all down it's clear to you that you should leave.

You do deserve a lot better, hope you leave Flowers

Allthewaves · 20/10/2018 23:40

You don't need reasons. If your not happy then you need to leave

Bananalanacake · 20/10/2018 23:43

I think you moved in too quickly. A few years is better. But he sounds like a miserable git who criticises everything.

IAmGrootGrootGroot · 20/10/2018 23:45

My god, yes, listen to your family and friends.

MrsReacher1 · 20/10/2018 23:45

Leave while you still can. Leave and find a place of your own.

You have a good job, an important job, a job that people value and need you to do. You cook, you clean, you have friends - you sound lovely and normal. He is not.

He is undermining you and if you stay you will feel less and less able to leave, and your self-esteem will slowly disappear.

Leave!!! No discussion, no argument, find somewhere else to live, quietly, and just move out while he is at work. Take your stuff and go.

eggncress · 20/10/2018 23:46

You are living with a text book abuser.
He is using classic control tactics on you. Read up on the Freedom Programme.
Also read Lundy Bancroft “ Why does he do that?”
There is a free online version you can download as a pdf.
Leave him.You deserve better and these types don’t change.

AtSea1979 · 20/10/2018 23:46

Sounds like there’s no love lost between you’s. Is there a reason you haven’t left already?

AnoukSpirit · 20/10/2018 23:46

You've described coercive control, which is abuse. Every step of it. Calculated to exert greater and greater control over you. Abuse only ever gets worse.

Going on the Freedom Programme will help you understand how much is wrong with what you've experienced and give you some confidence in your own judgement.


They won't tell you what to do, but they do have lots of information they can share with you that will help. It's free and confidential to attend. Or you can do the course online for £10.

Women's Aid are on 0808 2000 247 if you need support in planning how to leave safely. Be very careful about telling him what you intend to do.

I hope that you are able to leave and build yourself the better, happier life you deserve.

This hasn't been a healthy or normal relationship at any point. Which is another reason to do the Freedom Programme - they can help you understand what a healthy relationship with a loving, respectful partner would look like and give you the ability to spot warning signs.

Take care Flowers

Devillanelle · 20/10/2018 23:48

LTB. There's someone out there who will be a friend and a decent companion for you, who will be kind and make you laugh and not tell you off for going to bed whatever time you like.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2018 23:52

When everyone you know is saying the same thing, I suggest you start listening. Of course you should leave that abusive fuckwit. You REALLY need to ask?


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theWarOnPeace · 20/10/2018 23:52

He sounds vile. LTB

lau888 · 20/10/2018 23:56

If you were my child or my friend, I would advise you to leave him. You do not deserve to be treated like that. Think about what you would advise a friend to do if they told you the same anecdotes. x

Forgotmycoat · 20/10/2018 23:58

It physically hurt me to read your op. Your partner is an abusive shit. Please please leave him. Thank God you are not married to him and have no kids with him. He has ground you down till you don't know which way is up. Your mental health will improve no end once you move out. Don't talk to him about it as he will just argue and try to suck you in with promises to change. Not because he loves you but because he sees you as a live in housekeeper and cook. Don't discuss your intentions to end it. Just move out while he's out and leave your keys behind.

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