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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To discipline her kids if she can’t?

275 replies

MrsA2015 · 20/10/2018 07:56

I’ve increasingly started to get really annoyed when visiting or having over with her DC

She have 4 and all 10+. When it comes for a cuppa and cake they’ll be given their biscuits or slice of cake after lunch/dinner THEN we (the adults) will sit and have our drink and goodies, usually includes special chocolates I’ve bought/received as a gift or a particular cake that we like which the children don’t usually eat.

However every time we’ve sat down the children will hover, interrupt and pester their mum for some or just walk in and distract her with something else and just help themselves, literally clearing the plates by the end each child’s been in, the mother never say anything?! Surely you can see if you child is taking a slice of cake or swiping biscuits or do you just really become oblivious after a while? I don’t say anything because it’s upto mum I suppose but if I’ve bought something with me that id really like to enjoy how would you broach the subject?

I almost always bring something for the DC too with parents permission purposely to let us have the “adult treats”

I find it quite rude and Bad mannered that they’re allowed to do this, especially after they’ve had their share? I feel like saying “do you mind if they didn’t help themselves, I wanted some of that cake and your dc have finished it”

It’s quite trivial in the grand scheme of things but it’s really annoying !

OP posts:
Jutz · 20/10/2018 08:01

It’s strange to have “child” treats and “adult” treats imo. There is no such thing in my house so I’d imagine that yes if my kids (similarly aged) saw the “adult” treats they’d want some. Even after a meal and eating their own as kids of those ages can be very hungry.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 20/10/2018 08:01

4 kids over 10. I would expect them to have the same treats as the adults at the same time as the adults. If you want seperate adult and kids time put a film on for the kids while they have the cake but at the same time eat yours with the adults in the dining area

Jutz · 20/10/2018 08:01

Why don’t you take something suitable for all?

megletthesecond · 20/10/2018 08:03

Why do they have kids treats? Didn't you say they're over 10?

Verbena87 · 20/10/2018 08:04

In our house we share, if we’re sharing. If we’re eating ‘grown-up’ treats we do it in grown-up time eg when any kids who are about are in bed/playing elsewhere.

Bestseller · 20/10/2018 08:05

When children over ten are visiting I'd expect them to be offered the same refreshments as the adults and to be included in conversations.

It's perhaps wrong if they're taking things they haven't been offered, but but they should have been offered imo.

It's very odd to object to your guests talking

continuallychargingmyphone · 20/10/2018 08:07

Generally speaking I don’t think other adults should discipline children in front of the parents unless it is (say) soft play and other children are being hurt or if they are damaging or harming something. It’s too potentially damaging for friendships.

However I have stopped seeing a friend because of her DCs behaviour so it may be worth saying something if you feel you can.

CaraFara · 20/10/2018 08:07

Who is 'she'?

Do you have children yourself?

Coolaschmoola · 20/10/2018 08:07

Child treats and adult treats?

Why?!

Clearly the children like the same things, so just get those and all share.

Or are children second class citizens?

Mammylamb · 20/10/2018 08:09

Separate adult and children treats are fine when kids are under 3 (even then my 2 year old wants to eat what I’m eating). But for over 10s, they should have the same as adults. Can I ask, do you have children? What age are you?

Original poster
MrsA2015 · 20/10/2018 08:10

We have ours separate in living room and the children will have theirs wherever usually disappear off to their rooms, they’re allowed to have full sized chocolate bars/trifle/Haribo type things and perhaps sharing bag of crisps, sometimes a bought cake shared between them And we’d usually have things like flapjacks or nut based cake and fancy chocs which you only get about 10 in a box. Especially since we save ours for after they’ve been sorted I don’t expect them to come back and have what is clearly separate ? Otherwise their own Mum would’ve put it all out at the same time. She’s never said anything about the “divide” because when she visits she brings “bits for us, they can have a twix and crisps “

OP posts:
wonderandwander · 20/10/2018 08:11

You sound a bit greedy and precious to me OP

Alfie19 · 20/10/2018 08:12

No I wouldn’t say anything. Maybe they don’t have “children’s food” and “adult food” boundaries in their household. I would go with the flow.

Original poster
MrsA2015 · 20/10/2018 08:12

I’m 26 and have a 3yr old. If they’re old enough to have what we do then they should be made to sit down with us then? How do I go round the fact I’ve bought something naice/pricey for the visit as I don’t get to see my friend that often

OP posts:
guinnessguzzler · 20/10/2018 08:12

Just watched Matilda yesterday. Am reminded of Miss Trunchball shoving a chocolate into her mouth whilst snarling 'too good for children'. Sorry, that's maybe a little harsh but it does seem odd to have this distinction of treats.

wonderandwander · 20/10/2018 08:13

**Bit of a TAAT, but i want to tackle the idea that when you're given food as a gift.. chocolate, sweets...etc that there is this expectation that you should share them.

"I can't quite get past someone being given chocolates as a present and snaffling them up to their bedroom, not to be shared with anyone else" was said on another thread as an example

Why?

I never have.. they were bought for me, why should i share them with anyone else?

Why is there this belief that food given to you as a present ought to be shared amongst the people in the house? Why does the fact that its food turn someone elses present into a fair game free for all?**

This is another thread from the OP

Op you have food sharing issues

longwayoff · 20/10/2018 08:14

That would be unbearable for many children, they would persist in trying to sample the special forbidden stuff just because its special. Really, do you have to do this? Unless its a bottle of vodka, a bundle of drugs and a packet of fags, perhaps you could share. You know, the way you encourage your children to do.

Original poster
MrsA2015 · 20/10/2018 08:14

She has the adult/kids divide herself, round mine I’ll always do cupcakes/cake/crisps/nibbles on the coffee table so everyone gets the same thing but I’m following her lead of “kids stuff” and ours?

OP posts:
peakydante · 20/10/2018 08:15

I kind of understand why you're annoyed but at the end of the day it's only junk food. You seem a little uptight about it - I'm guessing you don't have DC? I would keep your nice treats for yourself to have in the evening if you really want to enjoy them and just bring generic food to your friends house. I definitely wouldn't say anything if I were you, it would most likely damage the relationship and I don't think it's worth doing that over confectionary...

Eatmycheese · 20/10/2018 08:15

You sound a teeny weeny bit mean and control freaky to be frank. Your narrative about twice and flapjacks etc is a bit concerning

They’re just eating some bloody biscuits or chocolate. Not quaffing pol Roger and throwing your tv out of the window
Do you actually have children? Most people who have kids wouldn’t get quite as worked up about thos so I’m curious

wonderandwander · 20/10/2018 08:15

Bit of a TAAT, but i want to tackle the idea that when you're given food as a gift.. chocolate, sweets...etc that there is this expectation that you should share them.

"I can't quite get past someone being given chocolates as a present and snaffling them up to their bedroom, not to be shared with anyone else" was said on another thread as an example

Why?

I never have.. they were bought for me, why should i share them with anyone else?

Why is there this belief that food given to you as a present ought to be shared amongst the people in the house? Why does the fact that its food turn someone elses present into a fair game free for all?

The OP’s other thread

CaraFara · 20/10/2018 08:15

I think your friend just doesn't have seperate food so doesn't see the issue.

Eatmycheese · 20/10/2018 08:16

Ah just seen you have a three year old. Are you like this with your own child? you need to calm down

StoorieHoose · 20/10/2018 08:17

Stop buying ‘adult treats ‘ then. Chocolate is chocolate in some people eyes (mine). I’ve never really got the appeal of Green & Blacks or Hotel Chocolat - it’s small and tasty but so is a bag of malteasers Grin

AjasLipstick · 20/10/2018 08:17

I don't like this "adult treats" business I'm afraid and I expect that your friend doesn't either.

Why wouldn't the children be given something nice? They haven't "had their share" as you put it because you've kept the nicest things aside!

It's horribly greedy if you ask me to save the best things for adults only...as though children (and older than 10 at that!!) don't like good food!

My sister in law does this and I won't have it. She tried to keep my child from eating any seafood from a takeaway meal which I'd paid half of!

She didnt' consider that seafood was for kids!

this sentence of your particularly galls me.

THEN we (the adults) will sit and have our drink and goodies, usually includes special chocolates I’ve bought/received as a gift or a particular cake that we like which the children don’t usually eat.

"Goodies" ?? Wtf?

And obviously HER children DO usually eat them.

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