To discipline her kids if she can’t?

[MrsA2015]

I’ve increasingly started to get really annoyed when visiting or having over with her DC

She have 4 and all 10+. When it comes for a cuppa and cake they’ll be given their biscuits or slice of cake after lunch/dinner THEN we (the adults) will sit and have our drink and goodies, usually includes special chocolates I’ve bought/received as a gift or a particular cake that we like which the children don’t usually eat.

However every time we’ve sat down the children will hover, interrupt and pester their mum for some or just walk in and distract her with something else and just help themselves, literally clearing the plates by the end each child’s been in, the mother never say anything?! Surely you can see if you child is taking a slice of cake or swiping biscuits or do you just really become oblivious after a while? I don’t say anything because it’s upto mum I suppose but if I’ve bought something with me that id really like to enjoy how would you broach the subject?

I almost always bring something for the DC too with parents permission purposely to let us have the “adult treats”

I find it quite rude and Bad mannered that they’re allowed to do this, especially after they’ve had their share? I feel like saying “do you mind if they didn’t help themselves, I wanted some of that cake and your dc have finished it”

It’s quite trivial in the grand scheme of things but it’s really annoying !

I'm not entirely sure why you're getting such a hard time OP.
If I understand correctly, you all eat/the kids have snacks, they bugger off to their rooms because they're not interested in adult chat but then they reappear when you want to settle down with a cuppa and cake and a chat with your friend.
At the very least, they should ask if they can have some of the 'adult' treats - that's basic manners isn't it???
I certainly wouldn't let my children help themselves if they'd already been given their own treats and these were clearly for the adults to munch on while chatting. It's rude.
Depending on how close you are I'd have probably joked 'Oi, you've had your treats,these are ours so get your mitts off!'
It's rude.

It IS rude to hover around and interrupt and take food that isn’t for you when you’ve been given sweets already.

Is it just me or does anyone else find this post odd? You all get together and its theirs and ours..thats not a sharing thing. If the food is there surely its there for all attending? Weird post...Suggestion...eat your stuff before you go if it bothers you so much...good grief!

If I understand right, this whole scenario takes place in the children's house, so it's not like they are visiting the OP and helping themselves to things in her house. They are probably behaving the way they always do in their own home. Lots of kids help themselves to what they want at home, but know not to do that at someone else's house.

I would never have adult and child treats. I would just bring nice stuff and anyone who wanted could help themselves.

The hovering would annoy me and I totally agree, I’d keep the adult treats separately. Given the kids were given food already, they have no need to have any of yours. I’d be pissed off too. They’re getting two lots of stuff and depriving you when you didn’t eat their stuff. I’d tell them no.

How much cake do you need? Just serve up a slice each for you and your friend, then surely everything else is leftovers for the kids anyway?

I remember when I was around that age, and at a family friends house for a big new year's eve party. At one point all the kids were upstairs except me, who was sitting with the adults joining in the conversation, and a box of 'adult' chocolates was passed round and offered to everyone in the room except me. I thought then, and still think now, that THAT was rude, and was slightly baffled that I was disqualified from having the posh chocolates because of my age.
To me the obvious solution is to put all the food out at once and let people help themselves to what they want. And if everyone goes for the adult food, then perhaps buy more of that, and less kids junk, next time so everyone gets what they want.

In the famous words of a marvellous lady I know. "Share small, share all."

If they’re old enough to have what we do then they should be made to sit down with us then?

I don't understand this bit - you're saying that if a child likes cake they should be equally enthusiastic about chatting with their mum and her friend? Apart from anything, do you actually want the kids to come and sit with you and be privy to your conversation with their mum? It sounds like you're trying to impose some pretty arbitrary rules just for the sake of it so that you can justify your unwillingness to share the food you consider 'too good' for the children.

To be honest I think I’d want to tell them they’d had enough - they’ve already had twix/crisps/whatever else, that should be enough for one pudding anyway, whatever else appeared later!

I like that Heartland3

She wants to sit and chat with her friend and share some delicious chocolates? What’s wrong with that? She doesn’t want the teens bolting down expensive truffles that she wants to enjoy at leisure when they’ve already been given bags of sweets and have wolfed down those as well. It’s not a shared tea party where everyone sits around. They’re old enough to make their own fun elsewhere but they’re hovering around gulping down the lovely treats she has bought to share with her friend. I totally get it, OP

I would say if you don't want to share your special chocs then keep them for a different time. You can't get them out and then dictate who can share them out of the people present, it's very rude!

Where is the 3 year old when you are having your adult treats?

I don’t believe in adults eating decent food...

But you do in terms of dessert/sweet treats.
The kids get normal chocolate and crisps. The adults get the 'posh' chocolates or the nicer cake.
From being young dd has always preferred dark chocolate to milk, and would prefer one or 2 posher chocolates/slice or cake to a handful of cheaper, more mainstream ones.

I just would take what you're happy with sharing with all, and stop the divide.

Wow! I have a 13yo dd and she would be really confused about the concept of child food and adult food. It's not a thing in our house, and hasn't been since she was a toddler. She wouldn't know that she was banished to her bedroom either - we encourage our dc to interact with guests and not to hide away.

If I want to catch up with a friend in private, then I would generally meet them without dd around. In exceptional circumstances, I might explain to my dd in advance that she needs to make herself scarce for a while (eg for friend who is going through particularly messy divorce at present and might need to offload), but that would be the exception not the rule.

Are your friend's dc expected to entertain your dc while you scoff coffee cake?

When I have them over I only have one dining space, I lay everything out and usually bake a big cake and make up sweet bags to take home if Mum thinks they’ve had enough for the day. I am in no way begrudging them something nice, I’ll always take them sweet stuff and always buy ice creams and things whenever we’ve gone out somewhere. I have a sweet tooth myself and a 3 year old so I know how hard it is to have cake out with a child in the house! Let alone 4!

This threads just turned into an ugly attack. I appreciate the helpful reply’s and I’ll make note to take all the same and not expect some 1-1 time with my friend.

Each to their own.

I don’t take my DD with me when I go as she’s too young for them and gets bored and I don’t expect anybody’s CHILDREN to take care of mine. Thanks for worrying though.

This isn't about 1-1 time though is it?

I have to agree with you OP, they don’t have good manners. My friends and family sometimes have the same thing for all (kids aged 8-12), sometimes separate stuff, but if a child wants more they are expected to ask politely. All of us will of course share if there is enough, but if the children are told no, sorry, not all the adults have had some, they accept this and go away.

I think it’s exactly about 1-1 time. She wants to share conversation and something really delicious with her friend.

Meet your friend out somewhere then.

Nobody’s damn business where my daughter is when I’m at my friends house! What the hell is wrong with people