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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To discipline her kids if she can’t?

275 replies

MrsA2015 · 20/10/2018 07:56

I’ve increasingly started to get really annoyed when visiting or having over with her DC

She have 4 and all 10+. When it comes for a cuppa and cake they’ll be given their biscuits or slice of cake after lunch/dinner THEN we (the adults) will sit and have our drink and goodies, usually includes special chocolates I’ve bought/received as a gift or a particular cake that we like which the children don’t usually eat.

However every time we’ve sat down the children will hover, interrupt and pester their mum for some or just walk in and distract her with something else and just help themselves, literally clearing the plates by the end each child’s been in, the mother never say anything?! Surely you can see if you child is taking a slice of cake or swiping biscuits or do you just really become oblivious after a while? I don’t say anything because it’s upto mum I suppose but if I’ve bought something with me that id really like to enjoy how would you broach the subject?

I almost always bring something for the DC too with parents permission purposely to let us have the “adult treats”

I find it quite rude and Bad mannered that they’re allowed to do this, especially after they’ve had their share? I feel like saying “do you mind if they didn’t help themselves, I wanted some of that cake and your dc have finished it”

It’s quite trivial in the grand scheme of things but it’s really annoying !

OP posts:
Thenewdoctor · 20/10/2018 13:28

You see “especially not if they travel to school”? That means I know not all kids travel to school on their own. But at 13 they won’t be sticking to a “treat allowance” unless they literally never go out without their parents and have zero access to money.

HoppingPavlova · 20/10/2018 13:29

I’m 26 and have a 3yr old. If they’re old enough to have what we do then they should be made to sit down with us then? How do I go round the fact I’ve bought something naice/pricey for the visit as I don’t get to see my friend that often

Sorry, only got this far so it may have been covered off subsequently.

I think the main problem is that you have a 3yo so you are still at the point where there is adult food and child good. At over 10yo this concept just does not exist, they eat the same food as everyone else including the nice stuff. So when you buy for this situation you need to buy for yourself, friend and 4 kids over 10yo. It’s nothing like having a 3yo with ‘special adult food’.

And Christ you definitely don’t want them sitting down with you eating it, how bizarre. Just because you all eat the same food does not mean you need to be looking into each other’s eyes as you do so ffs. The point of the visit is to chat with your friend so why would you want a bunch of tweens/teens with you the whole time. Nope, send them off with their share of the shared food at the beginning and now there is no need for them to come back and pesterGrin.

HoppingPavlova · 20/10/2018 13:29

.... child food

Thenewdoctor · 20/10/2018 13:30

You see your wonderful day trips that you oh so generously plan and organise?

Very soon they’ll not be happening. Because teens.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/10/2018 13:32

*theyre allowed their treat allowance for a week on the day”
Well that’s where your problem partly is. The other is expecting pre teens to act as they did when they were 5/6/7.

As countless other people have said, best to just bring cake for all and they can have their treat allowance another day or you give them sweets as you leave.

Thatstheendofmytether · 20/10/2018 13:38

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LonginesPrime · 20/10/2018 13:42

You sound like a sicko in your post

Whoa, slight overreaction there, OP!

StoorieHoose · 20/10/2018 13:43

If her kids are over 10 and you have someone to look after your 3 year old stop buying adult treats and go out for lunch or to the pub for some 1-1 time with your friend

I always laugh when people say they have a fun house! In your opinion I’m sure you do but to 4 over 10s you probably don’t

Oddbins · 20/10/2018 13:48

I kind of understand.

You want some quality time with your friend and a little indulgence. You feel that you have been fair by buying the children their favourites which they have enjoyed but then they also want the ones you have earmarked for you and your friend.

That is rather greedy of them. I would in that case be tempted to say "you've already had the treat I bought you please don't take your mum's" however I also think it's not just about the treats but about you wanting time alone and you see them as intruding.

Perhaps offer to meet in a cafe in future?

HurrahMoaningMyrtle · 20/10/2018 13:49

longinesprime because everybody else on this thread has been rational and level headed?!

2muchstress · 20/10/2018 13:51

Please don't discipline, it's not your place.
Contrary to what others have posted in do get where you're coming from re adult treats...be honest other parents...who hasn't squirrelled away something special to eat when kids are tucking into their choice (horrible tasteless haribos) . Try taking some of their stash and hear them complaint!!
Kids hovering does my head in, if they've had lots of attention they need to be aware that adult conversation doesn't always include them.
We all have needs and time to speak openly with friends is one of them. It's not all about them!! I have that age group, and knowing how much they can eat I'd advise don't bring any more food with you! Or eat quickly....

Thenewdoctor · 20/10/2018 13:52

Why not just go out for coffee? I don’t get the need for all this palaver. The kids are not of an age to be friends with each other so why not just go out?

HoppingPavlova · 20/10/2018 13:54

Okay, read the rest of thread and further understand the problem. The kids have cottoned on that you bring several courses when you come. Given that there is no such thing as child food/adult food at that age they see it as course after course. That’s why they are hovering and constantly coming in, to see if the next course has been brought out yet!

You will solve this easily when you just take the same thing for all. If you want cake and chocolates then don’t buy all the other stuff for the kids, just buy/make a bigger cake and get more chocolates. Put it all out. Cut the cake into 6, give a piece to each child leaving 2 for you and your friend (your 3yo would have childs food as they are 3yo not over 10yo). For example, if there are 12 chocolates put 2 chocolates with each kids piece of cake and leave 2 each for you and your friend. Clearly let them know there is no more. They will take their plate with piece of cake and chocolates away and I guarrentee they won’t be back as they now know there is nothing to come back for. You and your friend now get to chat and have a slice each of the cake you wanted so much and 2 chocolates each of the chocolates that mean so much to you.

That was really easily solved.

HoppingPavlova · 20/10/2018 14:22

Realise that was not completely foolproof. It did not cover ‘the unwanted piece’.

Let’s say one kid does not like frangipani cake. That leaves 1 spare piece. You now have 3 kids who know there is one spare piece. Deal with this up front or there WILL be hovering and coming in and out as that spare piece will be front of mind. If you and your friend are feeling a little greedy feel free to split it between you BUT (critical) state this up front. “The spare will be shared between x and I when we finish ours, it’s not up for grabs”. There will be no disturbance. Otherwise just split the spare piece in 3 and give it to them up front, save the pain. If after having your piece you decide you are full and are not going to split the spare piece with your friend after all, cut it into 3, take it into the kitchen, yell at the top of your voice that the spare piece is now in the kitchen. Hot foot it back to the lounge before you are trampled in the stampede into the kitchen. Irrespective, you won’t be bothered by the kids again, no popping in and out disturbing you.

You’re welcomeGrin.

mostdays · 20/10/2018 15:23

I don't think I'd want another 10 years of it though, op, you're really reminding me of my mum and her weird insistence that her way is the right way and everyone else is weird and wrong.

Original poster
MrsA2015 · 20/10/2018 15:26

@StoorieHoose it’s besides the point and erm my 3yr olds whereabouts are nothing to do with what my friend is able to do.

OP posts:
survivalmode · 20/10/2018 15:27

OP why don't you ignore the advice you disagree with and interact with one or two of the many sensible suggestions that have been made on this thread.

Original poster
MrsA2015 · 20/10/2018 15:30

@HoppingPavlova that’s brilliant lol I totally get what you’re saying. That sort of scenario has happened sometimes There and it happens regularly with my inlaws I see no problem with it

OP posts:
Branleuse · 20/10/2018 16:52

yeah i definitely think you should discipline her kids then. Go for it.
Not only are they terrible children, their parent is also terrible and she definitely needs a parent of an only toddler to come in and tell her how to discipline her four children after youve given them a tonne of sugar.
Come back and let us know how it goes too

Cachailleacha · 20/10/2018 17:07

I would just provide enough for everyone to share. It's not right to share with one guest and not others. If you don't want to offer everyone a chocolate then don't bring them out!

Don't make decisions for people as to what they might like, children over 10 can like dark chocolate, my 12 year old is very particular with chocolate and has quite 'adult' tastes.

Lawrence22 · 20/10/2018 17:40

I'm with you OP. It's bad manners to eat more than their fair share.

I also wouldn't waste 'special' chocs on children. HOWEVER since I don't think you can say anything, and their mum clearly has a different view, I'd just take standard stuff for everyone to share next time.

I'd still buy the truffles and fancy cake, but I'd eat them all myself. At home. Behind closed doors so nobody could steal them Grin

Ringbinger · 20/10/2018 17:53

I think the really odd thing here OP is your focus on the “treats”/“goodies” and being known for it - as if your largesse at doling out cake and huge bags of chocolate and crisps is a good thing? Confused Sounds like you are giving the kids way too much junk food, and the fact that your friend has said so shows that in effect she’s disciplining you for how you treat her kids.

You said yourself the kids only come in if there’s more treats out. So don’t put any more out. Have a proper dessert to share after the meal, no sweets, then you chat to the mum while the kids watch tv or whatever.

Cachailleacha · 20/10/2018 17:59

I'd rather my friend didn't bring 'special' chocolates if they were not going to offer one to my child too, that's just rude. Yes, he'll eat Maltesers or similar, but he wouldn't choose them over something nicer.

phantomofthenorthlaine · 20/10/2018 18:42

In the scenario you describe I would absolutely expect my kids to ask if they wanted more, but it's my job to tell them. They are meant to ask if they want any extra treats anyway otherwise they'd eat all of it at once!!

However, I wouldn't "discipline" someone else's kids in their own house - I think not - it's their mums job to tell them. As we know everyone has different styles of parenting..

Eat up quickly or put what you want on your plate before they come back would be my advice for future visits!

Perhaps try taking a big cake next time as well as the little individual treats, but fewer of them? Say it's because the children are growing up. I'm not sure why everyone is so worked up on here - it seems relatively simple to me! I think you do have to accept that as her kids grow up they will behave differently - mine are always hovering around if they think we've got something they haven't had - teens are ALWAYS hungry!

Whatever you decide, don't let it spoil your visits or time with your friend - try and relax about this issue or it will ruin things!

Original poster
MrsA2015 · 20/10/2018 20:13

All constructive advice has been noted!

OP posts:
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