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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To discipline her kids if she can’t?

275 replies

MrsA2015 · 20/10/2018 07:56

I’ve increasingly started to get really annoyed when visiting or having over with her DC

She have 4 and all 10+. When it comes for a cuppa and cake they’ll be given their biscuits or slice of cake after lunch/dinner THEN we (the adults) will sit and have our drink and goodies, usually includes special chocolates I’ve bought/received as a gift or a particular cake that we like which the children don’t usually eat.

However every time we’ve sat down the children will hover, interrupt and pester their mum for some or just walk in and distract her with something else and just help themselves, literally clearing the plates by the end each child’s been in, the mother never say anything?! Surely you can see if you child is taking a slice of cake or swiping biscuits or do you just really become oblivious after a while? I don’t say anything because it’s upto mum I suppose but if I’ve bought something with me that id really like to enjoy how would you broach the subject?

I almost always bring something for the DC too with parents permission purposely to let us have the “adult treats”

I find it quite rude and Bad mannered that they’re allowed to do this, especially after they’ve had their share? I feel like saying “do you mind if they didn’t help themselves, I wanted some of that cake and your dc have finished it”

It’s quite trivial in the grand scheme of things but it’s really annoying !

OP posts:
Cauliflowersqueeze · 20/10/2018 08:49

12 and 13 isn’t nearly adult?

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/10/2018 08:50

You sound like a precious parent of a pfb, who is little more than a baby. Come back and read this thread when you have 4 kids over 10. Of course they’re going to want some of the cake. Just bring a big cake to share.

Why are you buying mars bars and sweets for them so they can bugger off to their rooms? I find that weird. If you want some alone time, arrange to meet as adults only.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 20/10/2018 08:50

OP don't raise it with your friend. Unless you no longer want to be her friend!!!

EyeDrops · 20/10/2018 08:50

I kind of see your point OP - if it's not about them sharing the food so much as the fact that they're just wandering in and helping themselves without asking, and interrupting? I really don't think it's up to you to discipline that. It's a bit rude, but not really badly behaved.

Original poster
MrsA2015 · 20/10/2018 08:51

How the hell is 12-13 adult??? I don’t exile them or send them away nor does their mum. THEY GO OFF AFTER WEVE EATEN TO THEIR ROOMS WITH SNACKS . I don’t banish them ffs people read the thread!

OP posts:
wowfudge · 20/10/2018 08:53

Okay - I think that what’s happening is your friend’s kids know you bring lots of treats and they know that there are things you share with their mum that you don’t offer to them. You’ve set an expectation. Their tastes have changed as they’ve grown older and they want to try everything. I would stop taking loads of stuff when you visit to be honest. Maybe just dessert for everyone if your friend has cooked a meal. None of you need this extra stuff anyway. Give your friend some flowers then everyone can enjoy them for a week or so, not five minutes.

nomilknosugarplease · 20/10/2018 08:54

OP I do think you’re overthinking it, sorry. I think they probably just think you’re a really nice friend who brings round loads of stuff for them to try, and as their mum has never said to them she doesn’t want them to have any of hers they probably don’t see it as a problem. At the end of the day whilst you may be peeved and find it a bit rude I really wouldn’t mention it as it’s too small to risk looking strange and making things really awkward.

kenandbarbie · 20/10/2018 08:54

Seems a lot of cake and chops. Bring hominids and rice cakes next time!!!

kenandbarbie · 20/10/2018 08:54

Houmous

yesmelord · 20/10/2018 08:55

If you are bringing food into their house and their mum thinks it's alright for them to roam about (which it totally is) and eat the treats you are bringing then you have no right to say anything.

The point is OP you sound like you WANT them banished so you can have your cake and eat it?

Seriously get a grip. Your bringing cake to their house. That means you share.

SputnikBear · 20/10/2018 08:55

The fact that there’s adult food and child food is a red herring. The issue is that the kids eat their food then steal other peoples food and eat that too. That’s unacceptable and greedy.

You can’t discipline someone else’s kids though. What about taking individual portions like cupcakes so there’s clearly only one for everyone? And take the same food for everyone because it’s awful to just keep the best stuff for adults.

Weedinosaurus · 20/10/2018 08:56

Op, your are clearly being unreasonable but you just can’t see it. You’re not nasty but just have a very different way of looking at things to everyone else here. Let the kids have the chocolates and cake. Bring enough of the same stuff to go around everyone. To have s ‘yours and mine’ is a bit odd.

Zoflorabore · 20/10/2018 08:57

Hi op, I love my food. My treat of choice is
Chocolate and pop tarts but do you really need to bring out the masses of food for visiting or hosting? You may want to be the "fun house" but your own child will not know the concept of a treat if they're so
Freely available.

My dd is 7 and has never entertained "children's food" whilst eating out.
She prefers pasta dishes/corn on the cob/chilli etc and it's annoying how little choice there is for dc.

Anyway I digress. I don't think it's fair to say you have food issues from what your op says but I think it's wrong to discipline others dc unless they are in danger or someone has been hurt etc.

If the friendship is close then your best bet
would be to speak to your friend.
The kids may not get many treats so devour any that they see.
I have neighbours like this and I feel very sorry for them.

Lost5stone · 20/10/2018 08:57

Maybe I'm greedy but why can't you just scoff a couple of chocolates before they come back

Original poster
MrsA2015 · 20/10/2018 08:59

I used to take buttons and mini rolls when they were younger and thought changing t up was suitable Now they’re older. Now I know better.

I can imagine another thread “selfish friend only brings round coffee cake and dark chocolate even though she knows I have 4 kids under 15, she should bring suitable snacks for kids!”

No pleasing anybody.

I’ll know for next time to take all of the same and see if that makes a difference.

OP posts:
mariniere · 20/10/2018 08:59

I think the disconnect is parenting styles. From this small snapshot this reminds me of gatherings when I was a child. your friend sounds more like she has a more usual parenting style these days where older children are treated like adults and food is shared etc.

Original poster
MrsA2015 · 20/10/2018 09:00

It’s not freely available. It’s only a fun house when guests come who we’ve not seen for ages.

OP posts:
WhiteCat1704 · 20/10/2018 09:00

The way I understand it is that it's not about food but about the fact that the kids don't let you have a conversation in peace and involve themselves.
Personally I think their mother should direct them to more food if they are hungry and tell them to leave you in peace for an hr or so as you want to have an adult conversation.l now.

Nicknamesalltaken · 20/10/2018 09:00

Your friend probably doesn’t separate food into adult/child so they don’t see a problem. I stopped the adult/child distinction about 12 years ago (I also have 4 DCs, 11+) so I don’t think it would occur to mine that some food wasn’t meant for them.

When you have 4 practically adults you can’t afford to have the nice stuff, let alone keep it for yourself. They probably think it’s a treat so why wouldn’t they have some?

The answer is to bring something that everyone is allowed to enjoy.

(Unless you want to bring the nice stuff round here, I have no qualms telling mine to bugger off and leave the posh chocs for me 😄)

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 20/10/2018 09:01

I disagree with most posters - it doesn’t matter whether you’re a child, a teenager or an adult, it’s bad manners to take food that clearly isn’t yours or isn’t designated for you. wouldn’t finish your dinner and then start eating off someone else’s plate because you’ve finished first.

You are not being unreasonable OP of course your friend should be ‘reminding’ her children that they’ve had their treats and these are yours ... so clear off. You brought them for you and her - not for a bunch of children who’ve already had theirs. I have two (permanently hungry) teenage boys and they wouldn’t dream of doing this - at the very least they’d ask first.

Seeing as you are being told that children over 10 should be treated like adults when it comes to treats what I would do is have your treats first then give the children theirs and hover around them nicking their chocolates and crisps without asking - see how they like it.

Thenewdoctor · 20/10/2018 09:02

I never did adult child food. I just had food. When you have 4 kids and you’re cooking for so many, that tends to happen in my experience. You don’t have time and can’t afford to do different food so you do take it or leave it.

Original poster
MrsA2015 · 20/10/2018 09:02

Everyone eats the same lunch/dinner I don’t believe in adults eating decent food and children having chips and nuggets. I was only referring to a bit of cake.

So I’m weird,nasty, selfish, precious and have an eating disorder. Gee thanks

OP posts:
Loubielouslonglegs · 20/10/2018 09:03

You have NO right to discipline her kids and there is nothing to discipline them for. You're just weird!!!!!

Whilst I don't necessarily agree with the separate food for adults and children, I'm amazed that stealing food, interrupting adults etc isn't seen as bad behaviour.

I'd absolutely tell my child off for helping themselves without asking. Of course he wouldn't as he was brought up with manners.

claraschu · 20/10/2018 09:03

OP, you suggest saying something like: “itd be nice if you asked for the last slice there’s not enough to go round”

This sounds a bit condescending and teacher-ish. You can just say: *Oh [kids' names] wait a second, your mum and I haven't had any pudding yet, and I really wanted to have a couple of truffles. Do you want to try them? Let's see, there are 10, so why don't you each take one?" or similar.

I agree with everyone that kids should not be expected to eat junky sweets while parents eat fancy dark chocolate and wonderful homemade cake.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/10/2018 09:04

I don't understand the separate treat thing. I might buy some novelty chocolate for visiting children as well as another pudding for everyone including them to share along with biscuits and cakes etc. Everyone can just help themselves.

I don't know why but it feels like you're being a bit spiteful and mean, I know you buy them stuff too so I don't mean regarding that, I don't know it just feels a bit off to me, probably because of the way you have talked about them especially in your first post. It comes across that you feel a bit resentful or begrudging of them.