To discipline her kids if she can’t?

[MrsA2015]

I’ve increasingly started to get really annoyed when visiting or having over with her DC

She have 4 and all 10+. When it comes for a cuppa and cake they’ll be given their biscuits or slice of cake after lunch/dinner THEN we (the adults) will sit and have our drink and goodies, usually includes special chocolates I’ve bought/received as a gift or a particular cake that we like which the children don’t usually eat.

However every time we’ve sat down the children will hover, interrupt and pester their mum for some or just walk in and distract her with something else and just help themselves, literally clearing the plates by the end each child’s been in, the mother never say anything?! Surely you can see if you child is taking a slice of cake or swiping biscuits or do you just really become oblivious after a while? I don’t say anything because it’s upto mum I suppose but if I’ve bought something with me that id really like to enjoy how would you broach the subject?

I almost always bring something for the DC too with parents permission purposely to let us have the “adult treats”

I find it quite rude and Bad mannered that they’re allowed to do this, especially after they’ve had their share? I feel like saying “do you mind if they didn’t help themselves, I wanted some of that cake and your dc have finished it”

It’s quite trivial in the grand scheme of things but it’s really annoying !

This to me sounds like you just want to have a dig at your friends parenting skills and that you don't agree with how she raises her dc.

Read your first post again OP.

Sheesh - I find it utterly bizarre that so many folks think it's fine for children, who have already had treats, find it ok to help themselves to things that aren't theirs (whether you agree with the adult/child thing or not).

They sound entitled kids - sadly the parents' fault not bringing them up with manners. I wouldn't dream of allowing mine to 'hover' around and take anything without asking, damn rude!

I would just buy food that suits everyone and accept that the kids are going through o wander in and out and pick at it. Tbh that seems like normal behaviour to me, indeed it seems quite nice to have a busy household with the kids wandering in and out, scoffing cake!

I think the food issues are causing you some stress. Let it go by not bringing any exclusive treats, take things you are happy to share with friend and the kids.

In a few years they won’t be hanging around for your visits - enjoy the family chaos while you can!

I think it’s exactly about 1-1 time. She wants to share conversation and something really delicious with her friend

Well in that case the OP needs to see her friend when her children are elsewhere as it's pretty obvious it's not going to happen when they're around.

Op from your last post it sounds as though the problem is not with the cake/sweets/children.

It's your attitude.

No wonder she only sees you every 3 months

This sounds like a really weird dynamic. I'm only just getting into weaning but I'm fairly sure over 10s can eat adult food.

I'd just bring the same food for everyone, surely there would be less agro. If her kids are that annoying just meet somewhere without them.

But if you don’t agree with adult child treats then the treats are just treats.

The only thing I’d say then would be an oi if everyone there hadn’t had share. But I’d let them wander round and help themselves after that’s especially when it was a supper with a friend there so extra food and it all set out on the table.

Plus. With 4 kids what you’re nit understand is that it’ll be stretch or starve for seconds.

Why don’t you go round after bedtime in future?

Kids of 12 and 13 most certainly haven’t grown out of hanging around to get the gossip and the good chocolate at that age- if anything they’re worse for earwigging than younger kids.

But it is their home. We’re not in the Victorian times any more. It’s not really the done thing to expect kids to sit in their own room in silence these days.

Or just meet at a coffee shop.

Just take gin, hopefully they won't have that.

I honestly can't believe the reaction most people of had. completely taken out of context.

OP I totally get where you're coming from.
as other posters have said, regardless of the age, it's rude and bad manners.

id take treats for the kids and treats for me me my mates when we're having a cuppa and a catch up and vice versa.

the kids are generally inckuded in conversation too however we do have grown up chats as well and the kids arent included. if my child ate all the things that they were given and then afterwards attempted to eat the other bits then id tell them to get lost and go and find something to do.

if we went to visit a friend and that scenario happened, I wouldn't bat an eyelid if my friend told them no because they've had things already.

for what it's worth in my house we don't have kids food and adults food we all eat the same meals. however I do think it's absolutely fine to have separate treats when your catching up with friends.

there is absolutely nothing wrong with letting kids, even young adult ones, know that world isn't all about them.

Yes, she could go in the night time when everyone’s asleep, or go out to a coffee shop. Or.... she could expect that having bombarded her friend’s age 10+ kids with sweets that they could give her and her friend a little peace for a bit. Surely the friend could say to her kids “hey, OP has given you bags of sweets and you can help yourself to fruit in the kitchen, we haven’t had any treats and this cake is our treat, but if we have any left over at the end you can help yourselves”

Hi OP

I am sorry you have been attacked on this thread.

What about, if when the kids are sorted out and have gone off upstairs or wherever, you sort out a plate each for you and your friend and then put the remainders in a cupboard for later.

Then when the kids come down, they won't be able to take any because it will be your own personal plate (in your hands!) and that really would be rude! If they take it from your friend's plate then that is her look out.

You can go back to the cupboard for seconds, it won't be just spread out in front of you to tempt the kids.

But her friend might just do “food” as I did and not do “adults and kids”.

It’s hard when they’re growing up to mix with someone with younger kids, because they think that it’s the same parenting a 3 year old as a 13 and why can’t you just say blah blah ... it’s not, because your parenting changes as they grow and things you don’t expect to be different just are. Eg. Food. Eg. Watching tv. Eg. Amount of time on phones.

This is like some weird parallel universe - I’m in no way selfish but I do not allow my teens to wolf down my chocolates after they’ve had their own. I think it is rude.
We have a similar set up when we visit family, we have 6 kids between us, they all eat first, we clear the table and then the adults eat. If my kids were coming back hovering and swiping more food (without checking it’s ok) I would be annoyed.
OP I didn’t by think you’ve done anything wrong.

Honestly you do sound a bit childish. You put the food out and when it’s gone, it’s gone!

I think OP is getting a bit of a hard time here.

Obviously you don’t discipline someone else child in their own house, but I think you just need to accept, OP, that this children in their own house and they are probably allowed to help themselves to other things so see your “adult treats” as free game. You say yourself they ask for things in your house so they are not unruly devil children. I wouldn’t be my parenting style to let children endlessly gorge themselves on junk food but that’s just how they are.

Either take just enough “adult treats” for yourself and your friends so you’re not annoyed about having them eat it (although would you take leftovers home because that’s weird?) or just bring a selection of goodies everyone can eat.

The issue is not that they're scoffing the things which you don't want to share but that they're being treated like pariahs and allowed to get away with going off to eat in their bedrooms instead of learning to socialise nicely.

Where I'm from, older children will eat at the same time and with the adults.

If we want a conversation without children around, then we do that AFTER we've all eaten.

Mmm I've mixed feelings here. I think the kids should ask before diving in.

I've got a friend whose kids pile up their plates with pizza etc with no regard for anyone else.

This is a much smaller issue than you've made it in your head. Next time they reach for your fancy snacks say 'Hang on, you've just had X, Y, Z... those are for us'

And if they still take them say 'Well that's a bit rude, I won't get any X, Y, Z for you next time now'

Then don't. Sorted.

I think you should meet in a coffee shop without the kids. They have different rules in this house and it seems like your friend doesn’t provide enough food to host guests and her children - or her children have hollow legs and will eat everything before the guests get an opportunity.

There is nothing you can do about this, it’s not your house and they aren’t your children. You don’t enjoy spending time there - to such an extent that you are considering disciplining these children😳

Avoid the house, go for coffee, go for dinner. Kids won’t be There to interupt and you won’t damage your friendship by scolding the children.

There will be things your daughter does that will have your friends rolling their eyes - but I am sure you won’t welcoem an intervention.

Don't discipline her kids.

It sounds as though you've got a perfect plan (for you) that doesn't go perfectly (for you), so rather than taking the role of bad cop, I'd just revise your plan.

You want some special food and a cosy chat with your friend. That's fair enough! We all want that from time to time. But I've learnt if you want to guarantee it then you have to have SMART goals (Specific Measurable Achievable Realistic Time-bound). I'd say your idea of undisturbed chats with 4 kids aged 10 and above is neither achievable nor realistic.

Is there any way you could have some joint food and communal chat, then when the kids are bored with the chat they can skulk off and leave you both to have your proper, albeit shortened, chat?

Or maybe just meet when everyone else is at school or clubs (thats what I have to do! It's not perfect but then again life isn't, and it's the best out of a bad situation).

As for the food, I'd say don't try to have a feast. I'd make it smaller and more inclusive, and make sure everyone eats their proper meals before and after so nobody is really hungry! Once they've got used to it you could always add a few extra treats later on.

I can't believe how many posters think having children with bad manners is ok! Would hate to meet your kids

I don't think you should be telling other people's children off, though.

To be honest, my kids always ask here at home before they eat biscuits. So of course they do that elsewhere.

But I realise people parent differently, and you have to accept that, especially if it's not even your house.

Don't bother with sweets or other crap for her DC, just take two large cakes. Point out that one is for the DC and the other us just for your friend and you. Then when theirs is eaten that's it. No more.

Op sometimes you just have to bite your tongue, it is rude to just pinch all the cake a guest brought, but you can't tell off someone else's kids. It can be difficult watching a friend's kid behave like a little savage, you just need to think I'm glad that's not my kid.
You could buy a cheap cake, and once the kids have eaten that, and are satisfied all the good stuff is gone they will leave you to it. Once you and your friend are chatting then get out the treats just for you. That way you don't miss out, and it doesn't look like you arrived empty handed.