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AIBU?

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Original poster

Feeling pressured to let MIL look after baby

165 replies

flamingox · 18/10/2018 13:17

My LO is 8 weeks old. Both grandmothers are desperate to take her out without me and look after her. My mum understands that I'm not ready for that and LO is still too young to be away from me for a day so we do stuff together.

My MIL is not so understanding. She sees LO less than once a week so doesn't know her well - doesn't know her little ways, how she likes to be settled etc so I wouldn't have 100% confidence that everything would be ok. However she texts me weekly asking to have her, saying it will do us both good to have a break. I'm running out of excuses but my partner hates going against his mum and will do anything to please her so I know in the next few weeks he will be pressuring me to let her take her for the day. How do I go about this without causing conflict?!

OP posts:
LizzieBennettDarcy · 18/10/2018 13:19

A day is too long for an 8 week old. Why not say a couple of hours?

I'd take any offers of help so you can have a long soak in bath and some rest Flowers especially with 2 willing grannies.

SodTheBloodyLotOfThem · 18/10/2018 13:19

You don't need an excuse. You need to be firm. She's a tiny baby, there is no reason in the world to take her away from you if you're not happy. Tell your DP and your MIL that you will let MIL know when you're happy to be separated from baby, and until then please stop pressuring you cos it's not going to happen.

Seeline · 18/10/2018 13:20

Don't give excuses. Just say no. 8 week is far too young to be separated for a whole day. Can you find a way for MIL to see the baby more often, with you there?

Almostthere15 · 18/10/2018 13:21

Just be very clear that you're not ready and no one will be taking her till you are. Become a stuck record, but say that you'll be delighted to have such great baby sitters once you're ready.

And say the same to dp. Also, once they do have them I'd say an hour or two is plenty to start, no need to leap to full days.

A baby is not a toy - his/her needs trump others wants

SodTheBloodyLotOfThem · 18/10/2018 13:22

If your MIL genuinely wanted to give you a break she'd offer to clean the house and batch cook some lasagne so you can play with your baby then go to bed when she's sleeping.

MulticolourMophead · 18/10/2018 13:22

YANBU. your little one shouldn't be away from you just yet, unless it's absolutely necessary. Both you and little one need to be ready before it happens.

It's not in a baby's best interests to be away from the primary carer.

Just act like a broken record "the baby isn't ready for this yet". You'll need to be firm but polite.

KittyMcTitty · 18/10/2018 13:23

You have a couple of options - I think for me that is too early and if that is how you feel then it is too early.

You could send a message along the lines:

"Oh not yet, she is far too young and I want to enjoy every moment"

"I can't leave her just yet as I am breastfeeding and don't want to intefere with that" (You might be bottle feeding and they see that as a green light to grab the baby :( - very annoying as you want to do the feeds whatever way)

"We are just in the process of setting a routine, when its all established I will let you know" and leave it

Alternatively leave her for a really short time to pop to the shops or out for dinner?

I think the best way is just to say we would love you to when she is a bit older and ignore the hints!

NonaGrey · 18/10/2018 13:23

No excuses just:

“It’s a very kind offer but I’m not ready for that yet and won’t be for a long while. You are welcome to visit us on Tuesday though”

What is it with grannies desperate to get babies away from their mums?

Both my DM and my MIL were very keen to see my D.C. as babies but they'd never have suggested taking them away.

Laiste · 18/10/2018 13:24

my partner hates going against his mum and will do anything to please her so I know in the next few weeks he will be pressuring me to let her take her for the day.

Oh god another one! What is it with these men and their bloody mothers?!

Chose a phrase you feel comfortable saying ''Thanks but no, we're just fine as we are, but i'm happy to bring her over for the afternoon next week'' or whatever, and keep on dripping it when she asks.

DH can't force you to hand the baby over for the day. I hate to say this old MN cliche but this is more of a DH problem than a MIL problem. Be firm and stick to your guns with him as well!

Aquamarine1029 · 18/10/2018 13:24

Op, you're a mother now so it's time to firmly hitch up your big girl pants and take control. If you don't learn to set boundaries now, dealing with your MIL will only get harder.

Your baby is too young to be away from you all day, you're not ready for it, so the answer is NO. Your MIL can very easily come visit more than once a week if she chooses to.

Flamingosnbears · 18/10/2018 13:24

Agree with above posters totally your choice if when you decide to, don't feel pressured into doing something your not comfortable with it will do more harm than good and unnecessary anxiety.

stressed1010101 · 18/10/2018 13:25

I left our DD when she was 8 weeks old for 7 hours because we had a wedding to go and DD wasn't invited (child free wedding). I hated every second, didn't enjoy the wedding and was counting down the hours to get home.

However I have friends who left their 3 week old for the whole day (12 hours or more) to go to a sporting event.

You know when you feel ready to leave your child. Everyone is different. If you feel ready, start for a couple of hours. If not, tell her that and when you are you will let her know. If she doesn't like it, that's her problem.

Original poster
flamingox · 18/10/2018 13:27

Thanks for your replies- good to know I'm NBU!

MIL knows she is welcome anytime to come and see LO but she is of the opinion that we should visit her as she works full time (as does my DH!) so it's not always convenient for us to visit her as she's not home from work until 6ish which makes it at least 8 o'clock before we get home if we visit and we're trying to get a bedtime routine sorted.

If she visited us after work she could be at our house for 5ish (we have better transport links) but she doesn't take up our offers.

OP posts:
KC225 · 18/10/2018 13:29

Say no - when she is older and tell her you have told your mum, tour best friend and their prospective god parent the same thing. Make sure she knows its a party line, and not just her.

But as an aside, there seems to be a lot if these post at the moment. Why are all these in-laws/parents putting the pressure on so early?

SodTheBloodyLotOfThem · 18/10/2018 13:32

Why are all these in-laws/parents putting the pressure on so early?

The cynical side of me thinks that they want to take out the wee tiny baby who can't do anything and will get cooed over, and these 'offers of help' will dry up rapidly when they become a lively bolting toddler.

spotsoddsocks · 18/10/2018 13:32

'my partner hates going agiants his mum and will do anything to please her'
Sounds like she doesn't like to take no as an answer and your DP knows it probably because he gets a load of stick when she does get told no. Stick to your guns, 8 weeks is to young to be separated for a whole day, especially is she doesn't know LO's routine. Make it clear to your DP that his loyalties are with you and your LO, not his mother.

SodTheBloodyLotOfThem · 18/10/2018 13:33

Which of course is when I could actually have with a break from my children!

pigsDOfly · 18/10/2018 13:33

My DD's baby, not her first, is 6/7 weeks old. Under no circumstances would she be separated from him for any length of time, let alone a whole day.

An 8 week old baby needs to be with his/her mother. She knows you, your smell, your voice, you are her nurturer your voice gives her comfort.

Why would anyone want to take a tiny baby away from everything that reassures her.

If you're happy for your MIL to take her for a walk round the park on her own for an hour or so then fine, but if you're not then don't feel you have to let her, she's your baby.

All you have to say is 'I'm not ready to be away from her yet'.

And you MIL is wrong, it won't do either you or your tiny baby any good at all to be separated if you're not ready.

jomaIone · 18/10/2018 13:37

Would you be ok with her taking the baby for a walk in the pram? It's just half an hour but might settle over excited Grannies??

There's no way I'd have been separated for a few hours never mind a day when my baby was 8 weeks. I just about let my husband take her downstairs for an hour for me to nap haha. She's 6 months now and I've only been away a couple of hours at most.

If you don't want to, don't do it. Just be firm and consistent. She definitely should be coming to you for sure. By 6 you're getting them settled for the evening. I've put a full of ban from doing anything after 6 now. It's just not worth the cranky baby causing everyone stress!!

SpiritedLondon · 18/10/2018 13:39

You are numero uno in your DDs life - you are everything that makes her feel safe and content. So while I might have been ok on MIL keeping an eye out and entertaining her in the house while I had a kip that’s as far as it would go for me. It’s ok to say no - it’s not a trivial issue.

SnuggyBuggy · 18/10/2018 13:42

Just say no. She is your baby, your MIL has had babies of her own.

Sexnotgender · 18/10/2018 13:43

YANBU. Set firm boundaries and stick to them.

Her feelings do not trump yours. Your partner doesn’t want to upset his mum but would rather upset you?

Be a broken record- no that doesn’t work for me. No I don’t want to ad infinitum.

SputnikBear · 18/10/2018 13:46

A full day is too long at 8 weeks. Maybe a couple of hours if MIL can be trusted to bring the baby back and not just stay out all day despite being told not to. Or perhaps you could have a day out with MIL and let her push the pram etc.

I’d just start ignoring the texts tbh. Your DP needs to be on your side and tell his mother that the baby is too young. Mine is 9 months and I still wouldn’t feel comfortable being parted for a full day. MIL needs to understand that she’s had her turn at being the mum and she can’t expect to take someone else’s baby for a full day.

Jessiemay88 · 18/10/2018 13:47

You dont have to, its not nice to pressure you. Your baby is not a doll for her to have turn with

Hissy · 18/10/2018 13:51

If she visited us after work she could be at our house for 5ish (we have better transport links) but she doesn't take up our offers

there you go then, the offer you make is not what she takes up. she asks to take the baby, say No, not going to happen, change the record.

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