Feeling pressured to let MIL look after baby

[flamingox]

My LO is 8 weeks old. Both grandmothers are desperate to take her out without me and look after her. My mum understands that I'm not ready for that and LO is still too young to be away from me for a day so we do stuff together.

My MIL is not so understanding. She sees LO less than once a week so doesn't know her well - doesn't know her little ways, how she likes to be settled etc so I wouldn't have 100% confidence that everything would be ok. However she texts me weekly asking to have her, saying it will do us both good to have a break. I'm running out of excuses but my partner hates going against his mum and will do anything to please her so I know in the next few weeks he will be pressuring me to let her take her for the day. How do I go about this without causing conflict?!

I remember being so glad I managed to breastfeed simply for this reason, that nobody could have my baby but me. My MIL made herself a whole nursery at her house! I stumbled across it whilst using their upstairs bathroom. I said to my partner on the way home, does your mother think the baby is going to live at hers!? She also bought herself a pram and high chair. I found it all really un-nerving. So it was no surprise me breastfeeding annoyed her immensely. 8 weeks is too young IMO. Be clear with her YANBU

I think it's really depressing that there are these grandparents discouraging breastfeeding for their own selfish reasons.

They should add this to the benefits of BF'ing. That should increase the uptake.

@Absofrigginlootly yes yes yes

@BrisaOtonal 😃😃😃😃😃😃🙌🏻

@brisaotonal you are so right 😂 I wasn’t able to breastfeed and my mil took this as a reason to think she would be able to take my baby all day from a few weeks old. Erm no, just because I’m not bf doesn’t mean I’m willing to be apart from my tiny baby all day. He’s 16 months now and I’ve only left him a few hours a couple of times but bf is a good excuse to shut down these sort of ‘offers’

My Mil is exactly like this. After PILs stubbornly not seeing my daughter until 4 5 days after she was born because of me not having anyone come to the hospital,she wanted to take DD for a walk in the pram. I have said no and she kept asking and asking then finally got the point I wasnt going to let her have DD on her own. I didnt let them take care of her by herself until she was 10 months old due to other reasons. I definitely don't understand the obsession with MIL trying to have the baby alone 😕

Why not invite her to your home to look after her for a couple of hours while you have a nap or some me time?

That way, you are giving her ultimate care responsibility, but you will be there ,if needed, AND benefit from a rest....

My ils pressured me to allow their SN dd10 to take my ds out for walks in the pram. I suggested she could use the pram with a doll in but that was all.
Drives me nuts that your dc is assumed to be a toy to get passed around!

My very polite friend has a MIL like this. The nagging over special Granny time got so bad that she told her MIl to fuck off and that she would never see the baby again if she kept up her stupid nagging. MIL flounced, complained to her son and he attempted to reason with my friend. She bluntly told him to choose between MIL or them. My friend is genuinely lovely and sweet, her DH finally realised that she had been pushed too far and sorted his mother out. We still laugh about it today and the baby is now 18.

You've made it clear she can visit your baby whenever she wants, that's not good enough for her based on her ignoring the offers. It's her problem, not yours. At 8 weeks she shouldn't expect You to come visit her multiple times a week and no one is entitled to have your baby alone all day besides you and your partner ofc.

Rather than leaving baby with MIL why dont you say something like "I know she will be fine but i dont think im ready for it yet, it would be a huge help if you came round and watched her while i had a long bath and done some house hold chores etc and maybe popped to the shop" .... that way she can feel like shes in charge with out you being seperated!

8 weeks is still so tiny, she may think shes helping but i totally get why you wouldnt want to leave her.

Maybe if she said yes to this, you could judge how you felt when shes there and ask her to go to the shop with baby? grab a few bits and come back!! proud grandmother can walk the pram for a bit and you know shes only down the road ... but judge that when your in that situation.

I think gradual steps with leaving your baby and only ones your comfortable with ... and maybe next time you need a hair cut or something she can come along and take the baby round the local area while you get pampered?
xx

The shift from being the parent to being the grandparent is so difficult for some people - moving from being the one who makes the decisions to the person who can offer advice/help, but ultimately doesn't get to decide how things are done anymore. OP, not surprised your MIL seems to be cutting off her nose to spite her face in that if she can't have the 1-2-1 time she wants, she wont see DGC at your house the way that suits you and DH.

Just be firm and say that you dont want to leave DD yet as she's too young and you don't need the childcare. (Do not get drawn into giving an age or stage where you would be prepared to leave her, - like when she's a year, or weaned etc, or else you might feel forced to leave her then even if you don't want to.)

Tell her to come around to yours and if she wants she can push her round the block (this is what my Mum did as I wasn't ready to leave DD all day) or maybe if you were feeling more confident you could go grab a coffee and read the paper for an hour in a cafe. If you dont want to do either, just be firm and get DH to deliver the message! Its his mum.

A whole day though? Far too early. The baby is not a doll.

you can say no or say she can come over and have her for an hour with you in the house? mil dont know the baby. you really cant let another person take over when you are not ready. a mother knows best. you would rather have your baby safe than sorry.