Feeling pressured to let MIL look after baby

[flamingox]

My LO is 8 weeks old. Both grandmothers are desperate to take her out without me and look after her. My mum understands that I'm not ready for that and LO is still too young to be away from me for a day so we do stuff together.

My MIL is not so understanding. She sees LO less than once a week so doesn't know her well - doesn't know her little ways, how she likes to be settled etc so I wouldn't have 100% confidence that everything would be ok. However she texts me weekly asking to have her, saying it will do us both good to have a break. I'm running out of excuses but my partner hates going against his mum and will do anything to please her so I know in the next few weeks he will be pressuring me to let her take her for the day. How do I go about this without causing conflict?!

Did this used to be a thing then?

These MILs that are wanting to take young babies for the day-were they expected to just hand theirs over?

Also Op-why is your mum desperate to take the baby out without you?

She might not be putting the pressure on but that might just be because it's easier to tell her to back off!

No. She's 8 weeks old, you're not being overprotective. You have a drive to keep her with you for a reason - she needs you

I'd struggle at 8 weeks, I struggle leaving him now at 10 months! Say no in a nice way and offer to do something all together. If that gets rejected then so be it..

If MiL works full time, then I'm assuming she wants to have the LO all day on one of the weekend days? Your DP works full time too and that's his only proper family time with you and his new baby, so MiL is being unreasonable to want to have LO on her own.

I agree with PP, a firm and consistent "I know you're keen to have LO by yourself, but I'm not ready to hand them over to anyone yet and I'd rather not feel pressured to do so".

Good luck OP x

They are asking this under the guise of helping you - if they really wanted to help, they would listen and back off when you said you didn't want it. She doesn't want to help, she just wants to play mum.

I wouldn't have let someone take my kid out for the day at that age. Why don't you suggest all going out for a day together at the weekend? You, your partner and your MIL? If she genuinely wants to spend time with the baby, I'd expect her to take up the offer.

She wants to parade the baby around town to show her off to her friends, so this is not about giving you a break.

Tell her she can come over and watch your LO for a few hours on the weekend while you have a nap or nip out to do some shopping. Your baby is not a trophy to be paraded around.

Your baby - your choice.

Your dh needs to tell his mother to back off. It is up to him to put her straight but if you would rather do it you could text
' We are not comfortable with LO being away from us. We will let you know when we are ready, it won't be for a year or two I expect. Thanks so much for offering, but we are fine for the moment. We all love seeing you, see you xxx lots of love '

Your husband needs to learn that you are his first priority, not his Mother. If he wants to pressure you into giving your baby to his Mother, then tell him that you will happily give his Mother her baby back, yes ‘HER BABY’ I would send him to his Mum’s for a day so she can have her baby for a full day and you can be left in peace with your baby!

I would make it clear to both your husband and your MIL, that your tiny baby NEEDS to be with YOU!!! You are their primary carer, they have known your heartbeat, your smell and your voice for the entirety of their existence! It would be completely distressing for both you and your baby to be separated before you are ready! This is where breastfeeding gives you an advantage, as if you breastfeed, your baby has to be with you at all times. It should be no different if your baby is bottle fed, your baby needs you just as much as she would if she were breastfed.

I would go as far as saying ‘MIL, I love you dearly, I look forward to seeing you and baby having a wonderful relationship in the future, however, right now she is a tiny baby and she needs to be with me. I have no intention of giving her to you or my Mother, or anyone else for full days or overnight until both baby and I are ready for it. When that time comes, I will be sure to let you know! You have had a precious newborn yourself, this time is so short and is over so quickly, it is my time with my newborn and I am not ready to be apart from her! Until then you are welcome to visit us, we have invited you over several times, we won’t be going out visiting in the evening, as our baby needs a routine but you are more than welcome to visit us at home.’

If MIL is rude or angry at this, then you can tell her that you don’t need to invite her over at all!

What is it with grannies desperate to get babies away from their mums?
I know! I find this obsession so utterly weird.

OP, you don't need an excuse. 'Thank you for the offer but no, the baby and I are not ready. I'll let you know when we are.' With a bland tone/smile.

Tell your partner to grow the fuck up as well.

Just put your foot down!

Text her saying 'You're welcome to pop over at the weekend and take her for an hour or so; would love the chance of a bath! But a full day is too long at the mo."

Don't take her over to your MILs.

That way you can build up their contact (and your confidence in her) gradually.

(And actually have a bath and enjoy it).

You don't need an excuse. Just day that you're okay but thanks for the offer.

Keep saying no.

Explain you aren’t ready and don’t want to be away from your baby.

Don’t let her take her for a couple of hours. A couple of hours will turn into all day as “we were having so much fun and she was being such a good girl I didn’t want to ruin it”

Meanwhile you will be shredding your finger nails and stressing to high heaven

Just say “because I love her”

Why can’t I take her for the day

“Because I love her and will miss her”

Why can’t i babysit

Because I love her

They can’t really argue with the basic truth “I had her because I want to lol after her, I’m sure you remember what it was like. I intend to enjoy every minute.

At best let her sit downstairs with her for half an hour whilst you have a bath x

Why does it need to be a whole day? When my first DS was a baby, my dad used to come over and walk him round the village in the pram. Then he used to take my basket of ironing back with him for my mum to do! So I got a bit of a break and my ironing done, and my dad got show off his grandson to all and sundry!

I'm in a similar situation with my 9 week old with both my DM and MIL virtually doing battle over who has done what. The closest they've both got to time without me is walking baby round the block for half hour in the pram which I think is an appropriate amount of time. I have said I'll look to slowly increase it but they need to keep getting to know DD and her routines. Ive pointed out that as she fidgets and is hard to wind, neither has done a nappy change or full feed alone despite all the usual 'ive changed more bums than youve had hot dinners'. Both sets of parents like to be needed so we've been very clear as to what they can do including asking my MIL to come over to help after DD had her vaccinations (she's retired whereas DM still works full time) and she was delighted. Plus the extra pair of hands was helpful. If you need help be specific and if there are things you aren't ready for then say so. You're the mother, you get to direct what you want.

@ShannonRockallMalin that is such a cute story, your Dad sounds ace (and your Mum for doing your ironing!).

I am a grandmother and would be terrified to have such a young baby away from his/her mother. It is not natural at all.

I find it so sad to think that so many women are having to fight their DPs over this as well as the inlaws. Don't be pressurised into anything OP. Either by your DP or MIL.

As a pp said if he pushed hard i'd be showing DP the way back to his mum's and she can have her baby back full time! Seriously. No bugger would get away with trying to force me to send my baby away for the day.

OP, your baby is only 8 weeks old, her pressuring you is completely bonkers.

you don't need to defend yourself or come up with excuses - "no, i'm not comfortable with that." on repeat, repeat, repeat.
and then refer her to your DH, who should repeat, repeat, repeat the same line.

I would go as far as saying ‘MIL, I love you dearly, I look forward to seeing you and baby having a wonderful relationship in the future, however, right now she is a tiny baby and she needs to be with me. I have no intention of giving her to you or my Mother, or anyone else for full days or overnight until both baby and I are ready for it. When that time comes, I will be sure to let you know! You have had a precious newborn yourself, this time is so short and is over so quickly, it is my time with my newborn and I am not ready to be apart from her! Until then you are welcome to visit us, we have invited you over several times, we won’t be going out visiting in the evening, as our baby needs a routine but you are more than welcome to visit us at home.’

^This

OP it is long overdue that your partner realises his first loyalty is with YOU and YOUR wishes not his mother.

He is presumably an adult, so tell him its time to stand up to his mother and tell her to back off you, and YOU will offer for her to have your baby as and when you feel like it..

Congrats on your little bundle of joy. i have an 8 week old too there's no way I would let anyone else look after her. tell her you are not ready yet but will look at it again after Xmas, that way you have her off your back for a while.

Oh god, my father in law’s wife was so bad for this! Ever since my son was like 2 weeks old she would be offering to “give me a break” and take him home. For ages I said no because I felt wrong being apart from such a tiny baby (no matter how tired I was!) but eventually gave in a few times when he was around 3-5 months old. I hated every minute of it because she wouldn’t return him on time or pick up her phone and she would give him things to eat (including honey) to “see if he liked them”. I used to get so anxious over it that I started coming up with excuses and eventually they asked to have him less. Now that he’s a busy toddler the offers are rather scarce! 😂They do take him for a few hours every six-ish weeks or so and I haven’t got a problem with it now as my son can walk, say some words and is good at feeding himself so not a completely helpless little one anymore.

So yanbu. I don’t think you should be separated when the baby’s still so tiny (if you’re not ready).

Be careful with the "because I love her" response, MIL might have happily left your DH as a baby at that age and you'll be on the back foot if she asks if you are suggesting she didn't love her dc!

Keep repeating "no, she's too young to be away from me for any length of time, but you are welcome to call in on your way home from work and have a couple of hours with her before bed, maybe stay for dinner once she's down for the night."

Extend an invite for her to turn down immediately after turning down her request for the day. If dh asks you to let her have dd, say no but invite your mum for dinner on xxx day, she could cone straight after work and have a couple of hours with dd before bed.

Make it clear you aren't saying no to MIL seeing dd, just that she has to fit in with what suits you and dd.

Ignore her texts
When you offer her to visit and she says no say "oh what a shame"
Refer back to what a shame it is she can't come and visit, every time she pesters DP, likewise if DP pesters you, "oh what a shame"

It is fucking ridiculous to sit back and expect an 8 wk old to be brought over at her beck and call to play dolly with.

I would not let this woman alone with my baby for a long long time.

My mum was obsessed with having my DS on her own. One day early on we went to the supermarket together and I let her push the trolley with him in it.

Turned around and no where to be seen. She had pushed my baby away while my back was turned. I cannot describe the panic and rage I felt. I never let her near him after that, until he was into the running around handful stage!

8 weeks is so young, YANBU and MIL is a dick.