Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling pressured to let MIL look after baby

165 replies

flamingox · 18/10/2018 13:17

My LO is 8 weeks old. Both grandmothers are desperate to take her out without me and look after her. My mum understands that I'm not ready for that and LO is still too young to be away from me for a day so we do stuff together.

My MIL is not so understanding. She sees LO less than once a week so doesn't know her well - doesn't know her little ways, how she likes to be settled etc so I wouldn't have 100% confidence that everything would be ok. However she texts me weekly asking to have her, saying it will do us both good to have a break. I'm running out of excuses but my partner hates going against his mum and will do anything to please her so I know in the next few weeks he will be pressuring me to let her take her for the day. How do I go about this without causing conflict?!

OP posts:
BrisaOtonal · 18/10/2018 15:12

Be careful. If you give into a whole day at 8 weeks next it will be overnight and then on.... There was a poor woman on here a few years back whose baby went to her MIL's every Sunday and stayed the whole day, I think even overnight on the Sat too and poor mum never got to take her DC out on a Sunday as a family. It then went on for years and she felt like a spare leg in her child's life and she felt it had impacted on their relationship. The MIL railroaded everyone. It went on so long that it was impossible to break the routine.

Yes you have a DH problem. If he doesn't stand up to her then you need to do it otherwise she is going to ride roughshod over you.

megletthesecond · 18/10/2018 15:14

As a previous poster had said, if she wants to support you then she can come and clean your house / get the shopping /tidy the garden.
If you don't want your 8 week old to go then she should respect that.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 18/10/2018 15:19

I think I'd start with her looking after her in the house - ask her to come round for an hour or so while you catch up with jobs or have a bath or a nap and see how you all get on

Clothrabbit · 18/10/2018 15:20

Why not let her have the baby for an hour or so some afternoon. Naturally she's proud and wants to wheel her out in the pram and call into a few of her friends to show her granddaughter off.

Perfectly normal, and it would be nice to give her that pleasure.

AlphaBravo · 18/10/2018 15:27

Just say no. You dont need an excuse. Be a parent and simply just say n.o. it's not happening.

AlphaBravo · 18/10/2018 15:28

@Clothrabbit spot the grandmother much Hmm

She had her time. Children aren't things to be paraded or shown off.

bluestarthread · 18/10/2018 15:29

she works full time (as does my DH!)

So if she works full time when is she planning on having her for the day? Surely weekends are for your DH to spend some time with his baby (and wife too)?
Just say no!

Clothrabbit · 18/10/2018 15:40

No I'm not a grandmother Alpha just someone who can't understand why a grandparent can't be allowed take a small grandchild out in the pram for an hour or so.

All this talk about 'turns'. A baby isn't a swing or a tricycle. They're part of an extended family.

Quipsandquotes · 18/10/2018 15:42

I think it's lovely to see a proud grandparent wheeling a new grandchild out for a walk. It doesn't make the baby a 'posession' but a new member of the family that they're delighted with.

pigsDOfly · 18/10/2018 15:46

It's not all grandmothers who want to grab small babies.

There's no way I'd be wanting to have my small grandson for longer than a cuddle.

I held him a couple of hours after he was born - DD ask her sister and me to visit soon after the birth, as she did with her other two DCs - and I felt quite nervous about holding him.

It's 30 years since I've held such a small baby, well apart from cuddles with her older two, there's no way I'd want to care for him for a whole day.

As pps said I've done my go at babies. It's the next generation's turn now and I'm happy to see them get on with it.

I'm there to help with them when she needs me but as for being responsible for a tiny baby all day long. No thanks.

All this placating MIL by saying you love her but.... Or saying you can't let your baby go all day because you love her too much is ridiculous. She's 8 weeks old. She should be with you where she feels safe and you should be with her because that's what you want and need.

'Not yet MIL she too young' is all you need to say.

Sexnotgender · 18/10/2018 15:48

Why not let her have the baby for an hour or so some afternoon. Naturally she's proud and wants to wheel her out in the pram and call into a few of her friends to show her granddaughter off.

But why does it have to be on her own?

I’m pregnant and some of my mums friends are very kindly knitting for my baby and are interested in her.

However my mum has asked if I’d mind bringing him over for half an hour or so for coffee so that her friends can see him.

A perfectly reasonable request!

Quipsandquotes · 18/10/2018 16:01

Why shouldn't it be on her own? She's not going to kidnap him, she just wants to be a proud granny for an hour or two.

ElinoristhenewEnid · 18/10/2018 16:05

Oh gosh. I wish I had gps willing to give me a break when my dcs were young. Never had the chance to say no or in my case yes please!!

Would have loved to have gps willing to babysit etc.
Be careful what you wish for!

FrancesFryer · 18/10/2018 16:05

At least she's interested. My in laws never were

ineedaholidaynow · 18/10/2018 16:09

But she can be a proud granny with the baby's parents around. Hopefully, she is going to be a proud granny for many years to come.

If a baby's parents say not yet, then she should listen until they are ready, not keep pestering. The baby is not a doll.

Quipsandquotes · 18/10/2018 16:10

I have to say I don't agree. If a proud granny is obviously dying to take the baby out for a walk it's a bit mean to say 'no'. Taking the baby for an entire day is a different matter, and that is what the OP is objecting to.

Jayne35 · 18/10/2018 16:11

Just say no and mean it OP, and tell your DH he should support your decisions. This situation comes up on here so much now and I don't really understand it. My DD stayed with my Mum very early, MIL a little later and she is a happy well adjusted adult, with a close relationship with her GPs. Not sure I understand that baby cannot be away from mum at all? However, it IS mums decision, not parents and ILs.

I'm very lucky with my DIL as my GD is her third child and she appreciates a break. I have had her overnight a couple of times and see her at least one day a week. I love looking after her - I certainly don't parade her around though, it's nice being alone with her - I can give her 100% attention with was not always possible with my DCs

oh4forkssake · 18/10/2018 16:15

YANBU

I love my mother but she was very much of the "showing my GD1 off" school of thought (although would have denied it with her dying breath). We went away to a hotel when DD1 was about your little one's age and she had her for an hour so I could go and do something with my DSis. When we came back we were greeted by my DM pushing my DD about in her pram, top down, having kicked off her blanket and screaming while DM swanned about trying to catch the eye of everyone else in the garden and show her off.

I just quietly took the pram and went inside while DSis (who doesn't have children but does have sense) Had A Word.

Stick to your guns OP - plenty time to develop a nice relationship with your LO.

Quipsandquotes · 18/10/2018 16:15

"Children aren't things to be paraded or shown off."

People love showing off their new baby. Think of all the new mums that bring their new baby into work. It's perfectly natural, and it's also perfectly natural for a new grandmother to be excited and want her friends to see the new baby.

Sexnotgender · 18/10/2018 16:16

Why shouldn't it be on her own? She's not going to kidnap him, she just wants to be a proud granny for an hour or two.

Because his mother doesn’t want to be separated from her 8 week old baby?

Quipsandquotes · 18/10/2018 16:16

Your mum was wrong oh4 but most grandmothers would have more sense than that. It's unfair to imply, on that one experience, that all grannies cannot be trusted with their grandchildren.

Quipsandquotes · 18/10/2018 16:17

Even for an hour sex?

Sexnotgender · 18/10/2018 16:19

Yes even for an hour!

It is her baby and her decision.

If others are happy to hand their babies over then that’s lovely. But it should be up to the individual to decide and there should not be any pressure.

agnurse · 18/10/2018 16:22

Your DH needs to have therapy to understand how to set appropriate boundaries with his Mumsie. Realistically, what's the worst she can do? Phone and cry? He can hang up. Show up at your house? You don't have to answer the door. Refuse to leave? Call the police.

This is YOUR child. No one else is entitled to have a "turn" with your baby.

Quipsandquotes · 18/10/2018 16:22

But the OP hasn't said anything about not wanting to let her MIL have the baby for an hour.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.