Feeling pressured to let MIL look after baby

[flamingox]

My LO is 8 weeks old. Both grandmothers are desperate to take her out without me and look after her. My mum understands that I'm not ready for that and LO is still too young to be away from me for a day so we do stuff together.

My MIL is not so understanding. She sees LO less than once a week so doesn't know her well - doesn't know her little ways, how she likes to be settled etc so I wouldn't have 100% confidence that everything would be ok. However she texts me weekly asking to have her, saying it will do us both good to have a break. I'm running out of excuses but my partner hates going against his mum and will do anything to please her so I know in the next few weeks he will be pressuring me to let her take her for the day. How do I go about this without causing conflict?!

What is it with people wanting to have baby without the mother. Odd balls!!

Tell her you’re not ready and to please not ask again. IF and when you’d like her to look after your baby you’ll let her know. Also, I think she needs her expectations managed, 3 visits a week plus a full day??! When are you meant to see your friends/family and actually spend time as a little family unit with your DH?! She’s being completely selfish. My DD is one and i’ve only left her with my sister for a few hours a handful of times (since she was 5 months; at 8 weeks I wouldn’t have dreamt of leaving her with anyone) so me and DP can go for a little date together. I will not leave DD with my PIL as they have done multiple >stupid< things which make me question if my DD would be in safe hands. Good luck OP, just keep saying no

YANBU OP

The idea of separating a mother and baby is so unnatural, I cannot get my head around it at all. When mine were little I had exactly the same with my MIL, she often suggested "just taking him off your hands for a little while" but when pushed always meant taking the baby away for hours without me or DH. FIL once actually took my 10wk old out of my arms and walked out of the room with him, just to prove a point. He's lucky to be alive after that "joke".

Keep your baby with you and just keep saying no. Be polite but firm. All a baby needs is it's mother. Bollocks to anyone whose feelings or ego may be hurt by this, your baby just needs to be with you.

I eventually found the right words to inform DH.

“Mate, it’s not going to happen that way. You are messing with my biology”.

I said it often enough that he eventually got the message and even sort of understood. It rules my life even now and we have an almost teenager.

Aside from no you are not having my baby, can't you say to your MIL "we came to you last time, now it is your turn to come to us" and stick by that. Repeat if necessary "no, it's your turn to come to us now".

Just say no. There's no way out of this except honesty.

I wish I’d been firmer with MIL from beginning. Rather than make excuses, I just say now no thank you but appreciate the offer. Blunt but polite. Babies aren’t toys and are one thing that isn’t about being fair and politically correct, more about what’s best for you and baby. I used to get in such a myther about pleasing others and now second time round I won’t give in to pressure.

Why does she only see her once a week ? Why can't you let her see her with you there for a few hours ? Invite them round and get them to pick up some nibbles on the way through. Say that you dont feel ready for baby to be away from u yet as she's v young but that you appreciate the offer of help but maybe when she's older. Then invite her round for cuddles. Personally I would've bitten my mils arm off for a break and she's nice to offer help (whether you are ready or not os another matter) x

Clearly people are not reading all the OP's posts. Again. Otherwise they might have noticed that MiL won't come round as she works full time and wants 3 visits a week.

Baby probably doesn't mind who is caring if needs are met, different when they get a bit older, v clingy at 18 months often, just when you are putting them in childcare, (or bad time but often when they are adopted).
However grandparents don't need to bond, the parents do. Children benefit from extended family care if everyone on the same page. If not it's too stressful. A child psychiatrist told me the normal visiting pattern for young children is with parents. Do it your way op

Your mil will have to get used to the idea that what you say goes.
I'm just a granny, yesterday
I'm looking forward to visits and wouldn't dream of asking for time alone at 8 weeks.
Some people are just bat shit crazy.
Stand firm and make sure your dh is on board, tell him it's your decision as her mother and it's too soon.
If mil can't be arsed to come after work when it's convenient for all, that's her look out.

“Only see her once a week”? Sounds like a perfectly normal number of visits. She works full time and has her own life, OP’s DH works full time and presumably wants some time with his nuclear family without his mother and OP probably would like to do things without her MIL around too.

As she’s the pushy type, I would be wary of giving in to her, as once it becomes routine she will no doubt demand it be stuck to no matter what (until kiddo’s a hyper toddler anyway).

And why do these GPs want to crowbar babies from their mums, PPs ask? So they can put sweets in the baby’s mouth to see what face they make, or go out for an hour, then take two hours and not answer their phone IME.

When did showing off your grandchild get to be a terrible thing ? I am guessing this only relates to sons children? Not daughters . ?

Personally I couldn't wait and handed baby and bottles of breast milk over to granny at six weeks and skipped off to Oaris with DH without a backwards glance.
Did the same for the next 2. (Only thing different was the destination.
Extremely happy Granny , super relaxed mum and very excitable DH 

Each to their own. There is nothing wrong with leaving a baby . They adapt to anything. It's you that needs to be ready not the wee one.

When did showing off your grandchild get to be a terrible thing ? I am guessing this only relates to sons children? Not daughters . ?

I don't understand this bit

And I disagree with this It's you that needs to be ready not the wee one.

Babies are humans, not a sack of potatoes, they have feelings and yes they do realise things.

Also, not all breast fed babies can drink from a bottle. There is a lot more to it. And not all mums want to leave them with someone else.

I felt the exact same way with my ds, that's me just allowing mil to have him for a hour and he's 10 month. I told my partner that he had to tell his mum to back off as the more she asked the more I withdrew into my self. You need to explain to your partner that your anxious and just want your baby close just now and you will come around in your own time but pressure from anyone is going to make that longer. Also explain that the baby being away from you isn't helping you out atm as your just be stressing and anxious. Also that your mil need to spend more time with the bubba with you there. Bubba dsnt know her gran yet and just handing her over and you leaving isn't good for her as she's with a stranger, yeah yous know her but baby dsnt. U need to say this with your serious face and voice. Lol x

Have all the adults had immunization against polio, whooping cough, pneumonia, measles mumps etc. Here in states babies are catching whooping cough and more from parents and grandparents. Also, if you have cold sores, you can pass on the virus whether you have one or not.

My month early due to pre-eclampsia DD was a week old when MIL first forced us out of the house so she could look after her on her own. DD was 5lbs at birth and went down to about 4.5lbs before going back up so she wasn't exactly big or robust and my whole body was screaming to not be parted from her. But we did it for about an hour, wandering around aimlessly because what MIL wants, MIL gets. Fast forward 18 years and MIL now tells the story as: we couldn't wait to get out for some fresh air on our own and she spent the whole time terrified by herself with DD, who was so tiny and vulnerable and shouldn't have been allowed out of hospital she was so small.

My in-laws do it as some sort of test. When DD was about 14months we went to stay at MILs and DD was at a really clingy stage and screamed when we were out if her sight. We explained all this but MIL and SIL refused to take no for an answer and sent us off out to see BILs newly decorated house. When we got back, DD had screamed the place down the whole time and apparently it was OUR fault!

*RainbowTrain.
*
I don't understand this bit

I was alluding to the hysterical idea of granny having baby only being a problem for MIL not Mothers so much.

... and babies really don't care or remember. It's only the parents that do, so must be up to them.

She's not a toy you got for your birthday she wants a go with. I wouldn't hand her over to anyone who just wanted a turn with her - only if I actually needed childcare.

Can your DM and MIL come to you to babysit for a couple of hours to let you go shopping, have hair done, something like that where they are technically left in charge but only for a short while. Tell them you really would appreciate this kind of short break until the baby is old enough for you to go out/have some free time for a longer time. You don't need to be apologetic about not wanting to be separate for a whole day, they either accept or they don't. Sure you will though appreciate their interest before long.

What sort of weirdo wants to take a tiny baby away from their mother?
You just have to stick up for your baby and say no!
No excuse necessary. Just say you don’t want to

I’m with @fontofnoknowledge & find a lot of this thread crazy! “What kind of weirdo prizes away a tiny baby from their mother” eh?

It’s each to their own. If you aren’t happy leaving LO don’t do it. I’ve been v fortunate to just “have” PFB we thought we couldn’t have via surrogacy with my best friend carrying our darling little boy for DH & I, turned 12 weeks today. I “left” him with both MIL & my parents from about 3 weeks for couple of hours & at 5 weeks DH & I had night out with my parents putting to bed.

He “gets prized away” for time with his grandparents each about once a week & we are leaving him for a first full night with my best friend & hubby & their kids (in our house though) who carried him next Saturday as we want them to have a special relationship. Personally I think it’s a good thing for DS to have a close relationship with all DGPs & be comfortable in their homes & I relish the opportunity to get stuff done & have some time especially for medical reasons I rely on them a lot. (My baby has been coming with me to the chemo suite every 3 weeks since birth pre immunisations also so I don’t think the argument of renosusan sticks but u could try!

Also of course as I didn’t carry him he is bottle fed so easier for time away, BUT my DH also the 1st time his DM met him let her feed him which I had expressly said I wanted just us to do. It’s a man /mother thing they can’t say no.

But it’s a personal thing, 3 times a week hell no!! Stick to your guns if you don’t want it to happen!

Babies don’t care?! Of course they do.... why are people so ignorant of the emotional needs of infants? Like app said a baby is not a sack of potatoes, they are a human being. They need to be in the constant presence of their mother at this age. Google the fourth trimester.

I honestly don’t understand this western obsession with breaking down the normal and natural maternal mammalian bonds that are needed for optimum infant development (both physically, emotionally and intellectually).

If you tried to take a tiger cub from it’s mother she would eat your head and quite rightly. Human mothers have the same instincts around their newborns - or should do - it’s normal Ffs

OP just say no you are not ready and will let them know of and when you are so there no need to ask again thank you. Do jot be railroaded into it. It will be horrible and upsetting and you will regret it always

You are lovely OP, your MIL sounds like really hard work. I would probably just avoid her completely. My DM tried this shit with me and would get angry when I said no. I was hospitalised for a large part of my pregnancy and she was worse than useless but as soon as DD arrived she was all over her, had me in tears on my bedroom floor at four days postpartum clinging on to DD. It's a memory I won't easily forget. She hates the fact that DD is ebf. The other day she asked why I still needed to breastfeed if DD is being weaned. DD is six months old. My mother is a nurse!