Feeling pressured to let MIL look after baby

[flamingox]

My LO is 8 weeks old. Both grandmothers are desperate to take her out without me and look after her. My mum understands that I'm not ready for that and LO is still too young to be away from me for a day so we do stuff together.

My MIL is not so understanding. She sees LO less than once a week so doesn't know her well - doesn't know her little ways, how she likes to be settled etc so I wouldn't have 100% confidence that everything would be ok. However she texts me weekly asking to have her, saying it will do us both good to have a break. I'm running out of excuses but my partner hates going against his mum and will do anything to please her so I know in the next few weeks he will be pressuring me to let her take her for the day. How do I go about this without causing conflict?!

Then that’s lovely if she wants to hand her baby over for an hour.

Would that make MIL happy OP?

@NonaGrey What is it with grannies desperate to get babies away from their mums? exactly!!!!

And not only grandmas!!! I have had DH's colleague's wives asking too!!!! "To give us a break"  These offers quickly stopped as cute newborn grew into walking toddler btw, nobody is keen to chase him around now  

In all honesty, I am very suspicious of anyone wanting to take someone's baby/ child "on their own" Not suspicious in the sense of anything harmful but just plain weird or as in they don't want to develop a nice relationship all together. My mum or MIL have never taken mine alone, I mean we enjoy their company and they both like seeing me too.

I think it is weird.

@Sexnotgender But why does it have to be on her own? my question too

@Quipsandquotes why should one be forced into leaving their baby with someone else to make that someone else feel better. I disagree strongly. Why on her own? She had her go at being a mum.

OP, I wonder if maybe there is more behind the story with your MIL - could she have had a really tough time and is wanting to do it in a caring way? I would have LOVED decent help (and still would) but would probably need to be pushed to take it.

My mil was the same and used to give awful advice. She cane round the once and said I'll take her for a walk and give you a break. I sat at the window until they got back. She must have been the same age. I lived in a small flat which was tidy and clean. I'd had a shower and baby was a good sleeper so I didn't need a nap etc. She said she was doing me a favour. But I think it was because she wanted some time just them. It never happened again. Just say no.

OP, just also want to say that I would have never left my DC with my MIL after she twice forgot to put the breaks and the buggy and it rolled into the road (I was holding DC both times, but still....)

The pressure would be enough to make me close ranks and flat out say no, however can you make this work for you?

‘Why thank you MIL that would be wonderful. Can you come around tomorrow and sit with her for a couple of hours whilst I have a bath/nap/watch the apprentice.’

Yanbu.
But you may have to choose between
conflict or handing the baby over even though you don't want to.

Also your partner needs to grow a pair and support you. But meanwhile if it's harder dealing with you than his Mother that will probably change his mind.

Just say no. Don't explain, they have no rights, just over ambitious expectations, and so entitled. Obviously in competition. Horrid

How is she intending to feed the baby for 8-10 hours, if your DC is Bf? Will she start lactating on request?
Not my MiL but some friends of my DH which were sharing their "advise" with me and pushing me to follow it, discussion usually in front of DH on how to deal with DD 4 or 6 weeks old. And it last it for a couple of months until I told DH to fuck off with his friends and if he doesn't like it how I am raising our DD to move with them in the house and leave me alone.
Really just ask the basic questions: how is my LO likes to sleep, how will you know when to change or feed, do you know she doesn't like hot/cold/strong light, Basically all the things you do and no one else will know how to do it( ex. my DD if she was hungry/nappy to be changed/ was crying until she was red-blue; advise from "friends": she needs to cry, she is a baby ).

@Quipsandquotes I don't think they are all like that, which is why I pointed out that my own DM is off the "showing off brigade." I very much acknowledge that there are other brigades .

My impression, given the OP's post, was that her MIL might be a member of the same unit as my Mum.

I think, in fairness to overexcited first time grandmothers (and we all have foibles the first time around), they have forgotten what real tinies are like. We have a family hobby, that my Mum was hassling me to get DD involved in when she was about 18 months, until everyone else pointed out that none of us had been less than 6 years old when she got us involved in it! There's no malice, just over-exuberance.

My mother is a very strong character, but luckily, so am I. It's more tricky with DMIL. What I did do was (against my better judgment sometimes) let DH learn himself what his sainted Mum was really able (and not able) for. But I wouldn't have left mine for a full day at 8 weeks. In fairness, in my case I couldn't have as they were EBF bottle refusers.....which was less fun than I would have liked, but that's another thread.

You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with.
My DS2 is 17 weeks old and I've not left him for longer that an hour and a half (it was a starting school transition event for DS1). I was anxious the whole time. Someone taking him to give me a break wouldn't help as I'd be unable to relax the whole time he was away from me.
I regularly invite the grandparents over and then I'll potter around sorting washing etc so they have some time alone with baby but I'm there.

Why are all these in-laws/parents putting the pressure on so early?

Its not right to put pressure on. But it is very different looking after a baby or toddler without their parents there.

In the spirit of compromise, can MiL not come for supper after work? She could help you/DH bath LO and get her ready for bed. Eat afterwards if the timings work. She will then get to see LO having her bath which only the closest of family members would be able to do. In time, maybe Thursday could be GrannyBathNight but it's still in your house on your terms.

Absolutely no way to this nonsense of having to have the baby on their own without the mother.

@Hissy agreed 🙌🏻

My MIL put so much pressure on me when DS was little that I eventually took a job working weekends so I don’t have to see them. I screen her calls and am very strict about when and if I answer.

From the day she found out I was pregnant, she was overbearing to the point of intimidating, complete with designing a nursery for DS and buying the furniture/decorating the room in her house by the time I was around 6 months pregnant.

I breastfed DS, and from around 4 weeks old she was would, weekly, tell me it was time to wean him on to bottles now because it made it difficult for everyone else and was selfish. I went on to breastfeed until 11 months.

From the very first Sunday after his birth, we were expected to attend Sunday lunch at the PILs. When I took ds to visit my family (300 miles away) and missed a Sunday when ds was 8 weeks old, mil cried down the phone at me. From around one month old, there were frequent requests to have him over night. He’s 2.5 now and hasn’t spent a single night there.

I felt so harassed by her coming up to 4 months that I let her convince me to try weaning him onto solids and it was a disaster. When me and dp decided to keep ds refined sugar free for the first year, there were actual screaming rows and tears, again from MIL, because how dare we stop her giving him fucking custard.

There are many things that make me dislike MIL, but the biggest one will always be the fact that, when DP kicked me and DS out when DS was around 4/5 months old, the only contact I had from MIL was around half an hour later, when my world was falling apart, crying down the phone asking me not to stop her seeing DS.

I fucking hate my MIL, and I wish I had nipped it right in ththe bud when DS was tiny - please save yourself like I should have done!!

@Malbecfan, the OP said that MIL wants to see them at MIL's house as she works full time.

My main thought reading OP is that your MIL is not very considerate or understanding towards your new family and your feelings, whether they are reasonable or not. She should respect how you feel, end of. Therefore, I would ignore her demands until she starts showing some respect.

Why don't these grannies offer to take both mum and baby out? I liked that solution someone found in that other thread where she offered to take DIL and baby out for tea and cake regularly. You still get to show off the grandchild.

I would just tell her you aren't ready yet... there's absolutely nothing wrong with that and very little she can 'come back with'. My MIL was like this from the word go, bought a cot for her house and her own car seat before I was even 3 months pregnant! She meant well, but scared the crap out of me and made me so worried that she was expecting to have him often enough to justify those expenses! The offers kept coming and I started to feel quite pressured, so I ended up just telling her the truth that I wasn't ready and she was actually really understanding... MIL looks after my DS one day a week now while I'm back at work, which is great help.

What’s with all these grannies wanting time alone with their grand babies? I don’t get this!

I would only say no once and then I would ignore her.

I’m a mum of 4 and a grannie of 6 and can’t understand why anyone other than a parent would want to look after a new baby. The nice thing about being a GM is handing them back when they cry/ need changing/ throw up etc etc. I’m here for emergencies and the odd evening out but just having them for the sake of it? Noooo been there done that......