In-laws expecting me to host them

[saffyBoo]

Am I right to be annoyed at my inlaws.
Yesterday went down like this In-laws were coming round to see us and the kids. I told them early-ish that morning that I wasn't cooking a Sunday dinner (we didn't even plan to previously but I just made it clear incase they thought they were getting fed) because I'm shattered and was up all night with two kids with sickness bugs and a baby teething, I had no sleep blah blah blah - we did a large brunch type fried breakfast around 11ish so kids were all full. I made it clear that they should eat before they came round earlier. I cleaned all the cooking mess up from brunch and dirty plates away with 4 kids that takes an hour. Inlaws turn up an hour later with food to be cooked, pizzas party food nibbles etc. So I ended up cooking all this food, serving it all etc. Cleaning away all the mess again, making numerous teas and fetching bits like napkins etc the stuff you do when your hosting. I was trying to be polite and smiling but secretly wanted to kill them. Why couldn't they just got a sandwich in the car lol 😆 I feel like I spend every weekend cleaning and hosting people mainly the in-laws... I might as well be a bloody caterer! Sometimes I think people.dont realize that I'm fucking knackered and NOT my jobs not to serve!!!!!!

anniehm how helpful is it to bring food just for yourselves, then expect OP to cook it for you? ILs weren't bringing food to feed the family just themselves

Don't wanna go round in circles but they knew I wasn't cooking and that we had already eaten. They then went to Asda on the way over and actually got themselves food to be cooked/heated up /prepared....... Not a sandwich or somthing like that. That's what I'm still baffled at! It's like the straw that broke the camel's back. If my future Dil told me she was tired not up to much and the kids were sick I wouldn't turn up with food to be cooked! They obviously just don't think

I wouldn't bloody turn up at all 😂

So next time you're going to be prepared aren't you OP? The answer is yes GreatDuck

If you need to know how to respond to ILs or DH when you start standing up for yourself OP, just come on here. We will help

Next time you say kids are ill DON'T COME.

If it's that you're exhausted, or they say they'll come anyway, arrange to go out Yourself or go to bed and let dh deal with it.

...and BTW next time your kids are sick and you are 'up all night' don't cook a brunch that take you an hour (AN HOUR!!!!) to clean up. That's silly.

At the end of the day he works and I don't

WRONG! You DO work! And you work damn harder than your husband, as I said before, 24/7 52 weeks a year. You just don't leave the house to go to work, or get paid for it.

When he's home, everything should be shared 50/50, and if he gets time to do his own thing (like when he says he's "working" locked away in his study), then you should also get time to yourself, to go for a coffee with a friend, or have a nap, or uninterrupted long soak in the bath, whatever.

Change your mindset, you ARE working.

In terms of DH ‘not knowing’ what to buy or ‘not being able to find anything’ in Tesco, it’s actually really disrespectful to you.

I’m sure if his boss asked him to go to Tesco as they needed to stay late in work and could he sort some food for everyone he wouldn’t phone his boss 3 times from Tesco and go back with something rubbish as ‘he couldn’t find anything’ would he?!

He’s choosing not to do it, not because he’s incapable but because he doesn’t want to or he’s angry at you for suggesting it after he’s been at work all day or because he thinks it’s your job or he thinks it’s beneath him.

Exactly Kardashianlove!

I would examine your childhood, there is a reason you are needing to be seen as a 'Devoted and hardworking wife and mother' rather than ding the best you have time and money for. You care too much what DMIL thinks, and the extended family. The upshot of this behaviour is you are seen in some ways as a doormat rather than a caring individual to admire hence DH only considering his tiredness never yours and DMILs belief shecan slate your present buying. The lovely surprise when you follow the advice in previous posts is that people around you will sit up and listen. They will be surprised at the change in you but they will treat you with respect! Suddenly you are someone to take seriously and if you say kids aren't well they will respect that and not ride roughshod over your statement and turn up on the doorstop.
Give thought to how you want to spend your time and prioritise that without first running through what others will think of you. People only care about themselves deep down, not you.
Was there an unhappy situation in your childhood so you feel everything must've perfect for your family now or you have failed?

Yeah.... My mum had a high powered job and never did any housework. We moved to a new build when I was 12 and did have a cleaner after that . Before that our house was dirty. Think both parents smoking inside and just never cleaned or hoovered. I used to clean the house when I was 7 I remember hoovering and mopping the old parquet flooring and the water was literally black. I did my own washing and ironed my school uniform from 7 year old. My mum was always quite hard on me constantly on some mission to make me as independent as possible. I think she was disappointed I wasn't a fully formed adult at 11! I remember mum's friends always saying how good i was and joking to send me round to their house to clean. I also remember other parents who collected me from school talking about how dirty our house was and I think that's why I cleaned it after hearing that. My mum has always been oblivious to mess and dirt.

Also my mum has always belittled my choice to be a sahm. Saying things like she HAD to work why am I any different and constantly going on about me going back to work..

That's a sad update OP. I hope you can take away some of the suggestions on this thread regarding making changes going forward. It's not your job to do everything for everyone anymore.

Discuss with your dh the possibility that you have an accident and are not there to look after the house and the children. If he can't even do a simple supermarket shop then how is he going to manage day to day without you?

When I realised that my dh hadn't got a clue (well, he just didn't want to have a clue) I tried this tack with him. I told him that if I were in hospital I would take longer to recover because I would be fretting and I just dreaded to think what would happen if I died. I said that I needed to know that there was a capable adult to look after dd if anything happened to me.

He tried a bit harder.

In your quest to be the complete opposite of your mum, don't forget that as the children get older, they do need to learn how to do things like washing their clothes, putting the hoover round, and cooking simple meals. Don't allow them to grow up with you doing everything, as that will be just as detrimental as the upbringing you had.