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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws expecting me to host them

216 replies

saffyBoo · 15/10/2018 14:21

Am I right to be annoyed at my inlaws.
Yesterday went down like this In-laws were coming round to see us and the kids. I told them early-ish that morning that I wasn't cooking a Sunday dinner (we didn't even plan to previously but I just made it clear incase they thought they were getting fed) because I'm shattered and was up all night with two kids with sickness bugs and a baby teething, I had no sleep blah blah blah - we did a large brunch type fried breakfast around 11ish so kids were all full. I made it clear that they should eat before they came round earlier. I cleaned all the cooking mess up from brunch and dirty plates away with 4 kids that takes an hour. Inlaws turn up an hour later with food to be cooked, pizzas party food nibbles etc. So I ended up cooking all this food, serving it all etc. Cleaning away all the mess again, making numerous teas and fetching bits like napkins etc the stuff you do when your hosting. I was trying to be polite and smiling but secretly wanted to kill them. Why couldn't they just got a sandwich in the car lol 😆 I feel like I spend every weekend cleaning and hosting people mainly the in-laws... I might as well be a bloody caterer! Sometimes I think people.dont realize that I'm fucking knackered and NOT my jobs not to serve!!!!!!

OP posts:
greedygorb · 15/10/2018 15:26

This reminds me of the time my ILs turned up when I had a 4 week old baby who never slept and said they would bring dinner. They brought an uncooked chicken and made me go out to the shops to get the makings of a Sunday dinner which I then cooked. I blame extreme fatigue for my inability not to throw them out. I have no idea now what excuse my DH had for being such a dick to let them behave like that. It was all about getting their own way. You say x, we want y so y it is.

BertrandRussell · 15/10/2018 15:33

It might remind you of it, greedygorb-but it is an entirely different situation!

cordeliavorkosigan · 15/10/2018 15:33

That is such bullshit. I think you should never,ever put up with anything of the sort from your dh ever again. Next time waltz out the door to do literally anything else and make your dh cope with it. Hiding behind his laptop while you sort guests and kids on no sleep? I’d still be fuming well into next month and he’d be cooking at least twice a week and every time his parents popped in. Easy to say, i know. But this is a long long way from ok in my books!

fuzzywuzzy · 15/10/2018 15:33

I would have dumped the bags on ‘d’h and gone to bed, or to a friends house to have a nap.

Stop answering your phone to them unless you want to speak to them. If their own son doesn’t answer his phone to his own parents why are you answering phone calls to them?

Why do people just accept this kind of behaviour and take on the martyr mantle. I really honestly wouldn’t have touched their grocery bags I’d tell them I was going to bed as I’d been up all night mopping up vomit. And then I would go to bed.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 15/10/2018 15:34

So am I correct in that your PILs come over most Sundays and your DH (you know, THEIR child) hides behind work on these occasions?

May I suggest you take up one of the mysterious MN "hobbies"? Perhaps hiding in your car and sleeping for four hours long distance cycling?

WhatchaMaCalllit · 15/10/2018 15:35

Unfortunately you have made your bed OP and you must lie in it....unless you get your DH up to speed on a few things.

  1. They're his parents so if they visit, he's not 'at work' and hosts his parents.
  2. You show him the difference between the oven, fridge, dishwasher, washing machine. Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean that I came with an instruction booklet on every kitchen appliance. In fact I have to read them just as much as the next person would in order to find out how they work properly.
  3. If they arrive with food, shout up to your DH and say "DH, your parents are here with food. Be a dear and put the oven on and cook it for them, wont you?"
  4. Stop answering their phone calls and messages. If they are DH's parents, he talks to them, arranges the visits but only when it suits you all.
  5. If they announce that they're going to visit, and #4 hasn't happened at this stage, you need to manage their expectations. "MiL, FiL, it would be lovely to see you but we're just recovering from X, Y or Z in the house and it's not a good time to call. We'll arrange for a visit in the next few days/weeks when we're more up for it. Thanks for the call/text/email/whatever".
Eilaianne · 15/10/2018 15:37

greedygorb i bet your in-laws wonder why they can't see more of their GCs or why the relationship between you isn't better. that sounds like a horrible experience, and your DH massively failed you on support with that one. it would taint the whole relationship with in laws for me.

gamerchick · 15/10/2018 15:40

I know you're laughing in your posts but I'm thinking you're not laughing on the inside.

Your bloke is a lazy fucker and is squarely the problem here.

If he can't cook then it's about time he damn well learns and keep at it until he's got it. He needs to have your back and recognise when you're knackered.

Or is this how you would like your life forever?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/10/2018 15:42

I don't think the OP expected people saying it's her DHs fault.

HeebieJeebies456 · 15/10/2018 15:46

DH doesn't know the difference between the oven and fridge
About time he learnt then.....

If you keep enabling this lazy, entitled man-child and keep playing the martyr then you've only yourself to blame.

EK36 · 15/10/2018 15:50

I think next time the kids are ill just tell them politely to not visit that weekend. In that situation I would have left it all to my husband to cook and serve up. Your partner doesn't know how beause you've never shown him and told him to do it! A pizza is easy to warm up.

Jlynhope · 15/10/2018 15:56

Honestly if you didn't want them to come then you tell them not to come. They brought food which they probably thought was helpful. Throwing some pizza's in the oven isn't really cooking.
You in laws sound helpful, your dh on the other hand sounds like a twat.
And if you had told you inlaws you wanted a bath or to lie down I have no doubt they would have cooked the pizza's themselves.

AlmaGeddon · 15/10/2018 16:04

I now realise my DH used the ruse of a demanding job to get out most family get together , DCs awards, my families stuff. Don't be like me and do both parents' jobs because he is 'busy' or earns a high salary. It's everyone's loss in the long run.

QueSera · 15/10/2018 16:05

I guess I've got a very low bar with my in-laws - I read your post thinking 'wow they BROUGHT FOOD!' I know you had to put it in the oven and tidy up - but they brought food!!!
I can't see that they did much wrong - I think in the circumstances, having been up all night and with sickness in the house, and your partner not helping out (what's with that?), perhaps you should have told them it wasn't a good day to come round. I see that you tried to indicate that - I guess they really need it stated clearly next time. I hope they are generally helpful. Personally I think your partner needs to help out - unless he runs his own business that will collapse if he is not on his laptop, there's no excuse for not helping you, especially with his parents, and especially with you being so tired.

Petalflowers · 15/10/2018 16:05

Maybe the in-laws thought they were being helpful by bringing with them food that was quick and easy to cook.

greedygorb · 15/10/2018 16:10

It might remind you of it, greedygorb-but it is an entirely different situation!

Eh? IlLs bringing food to be cooked by DIL and making extra work when they're when they're up to their eyes in it. There are more than a few similarities there.

BertrandRussell · 15/10/2018 16:18

You had a week old baby and your in laws expected you to go out and shop then cook a full roast dinner. The OP’s in laws brought pizza.

Hardly comparable.

Laureline · 15/10/2018 16:21

Stop enabling your DH. He knows how to use a laptop but can’t use the oven to heat up a pizza? Do you realize how ridiculous this is?

You end up foing all the work while he plays or surfs the net (I guarantee he wasn’t working the full time).

If you are too chicken to say “no” to a visit, next time leave in-laws with DH and the kids. Invent a hair appointment or something. You’ll see, they’ll survive fine and nobody will starve to death.

Laureline · 15/10/2018 16:25

Obviously not so easy with the baby! To do in the future Wink

arethereanyleftatall · 15/10/2018 16:28

I'm worried the op is reading how others would respond to their dhs in the same circumstances, and thinking she would never dare do that.

DancingForTheDog · 15/10/2018 16:28

Anyone on here really believe the OP's husband is 'working' on his computer? No, me neither. OP, don't be a martyr. If you're just going to vent and then carry on as usual then quite honestly things are never going to improve. We teach others how to treat us, so put your foot down. DH needs to be told he has to be present when his folks come over and he needs to be told to pull his weight. If he won't cook he can definitely set table, clear up, wash up etc.

TheWiseWomansFear · 15/10/2018 16:40

Maybe hey thought you weren't cooking because you can't afford it or didn't have good in and wanted to help. A

DarlingNikita · 15/10/2018 16:48

"Thank you so much for bringing the food- I'm feeling really dreadful at the moment, so please could you put it in the oven while I have a bath. Fred's on his laptop-hope you have better luck getting him off it than I do! See you in a bit. Kids, grandma and grandpa are in charge!"
And exit stage left.

YES.

DarlingNikita · 15/10/2018 16:48

Oh, bold fail, but you get the gist.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/10/2018 17:04

I'm worried the op is reading how others would respond to their dhs in the same circumstances, and thinking she would never dare do that

I think there could be element of that tbh, I also think because of the emojis the OP has used that she doesn't think her H's behaviour is that bad and doesn't know how to go about tackling it so her frustration with her inlaws is displaced here.

I hope she's reads the replies again and takes heed of the advice given and starts to expect him to do his share of the housework etc. Sadly I don't think this will happen though.