In-laws expecting me to host them

[saffyBoo]

Am I right to be annoyed at my inlaws.
Yesterday went down like this In-laws were coming round to see us and the kids. I told them early-ish that morning that I wasn't cooking a Sunday dinner (we didn't even plan to previously but I just made it clear incase they thought they were getting fed) because I'm shattered and was up all night with two kids with sickness bugs and a baby teething, I had no sleep blah blah blah - we did a large brunch type fried breakfast around 11ish so kids were all full. I made it clear that they should eat before they came round earlier. I cleaned all the cooking mess up from brunch and dirty plates away with 4 kids that takes an hour. Inlaws turn up an hour later with food to be cooked, pizzas party food nibbles etc. So I ended up cooking all this food, serving it all etc. Cleaning away all the mess again, making numerous teas and fetching bits like napkins etc the stuff you do when your hosting. I was trying to be polite and smiling but secretly wanted to kill them. Why couldn't they just got a sandwich in the car lol 😆 I feel like I spend every weekend cleaning and hosting people mainly the in-laws... I might as well be a bloody caterer! Sometimes I think people.dont realize that I'm fucking knackered and NOT my jobs not to serve!!!!!!

I can see that you would be annoyed. I also don't understand bringing food to someone's house that needs to be prepared unless you are going to prepare it yourself and then only when it was previously agreed to.

But, I would also like to say is that you need to stop martyring yourself for your husband and your inlaws. Your kids are sick? Sorry no visitors. Brought food to be prepared? Kitchen is over there. Help yourself.
And stop doing things for your lazy ass husband. A grown man can help himself.

Christ almighty. I cannot stand this "demanding job" excuse for being a selfish, lazy, useless idiot. I have a demanding FT job but I am also a parent to young DC, I cook, do housework, blah blah blah. It appears that having a penis somehow makes these types of men totally unable to do anything other than their oh so demanding job. Poor precious snowflakes.

Stop answering calls from ILs. Let him sort it. Also, tell him he has to start pulling his weight and do his equal share. He'd have to do 100% of cooking and cleaning and shopping if you split.

You know what OP? You have a demanding job too, yet yours isn't only a 40 hour week one, you're working 24/7, 52 weeks a year. Yet somehow, you manage to cook, clean, shop, raise children, and a myriad of other things, so how come your husband can't manage even a fraction of that?

Time to put your foot down and stop being a martyr.

I cleaned all the cooking mess up from brunch and dirty plates away with 4 kids that takes an hour. Inlaws turn up an hour later with food to be cooked, pizzas party food nibbles etc. So I ended up cooking all this food, serving it all etc. Cleaning away all the mess again, making numerous teas and fetching bits like napkins etc the stuff you do when your hosting.

I think you understand now OP that your DH should have done all the above, not you. YABU being upset with PILS. It's a DH problem you have.

I agree with PP - time to stop being a martyr.

Why is it on for him to sit and "work" while his parents are round? Very much doubt he's working. And if he is, he needs to explain to his parents that it's not convenient to come round.

DH has a demanding job but that doesn't stop him doing things round the house and looking after DS (although as a young teen he is learning to be self sufficient)

I had a meeting tonight which meant I wasn't around to cook dinner. He sorted out food for him and DS. I then sent him a text when I was leaving my meeting as I was about half an hour away, and my dinner was pretty much on the table when I got home. Whilst I was eating he has done the washing up. No fuss, no complaints, no asking what to do.

Other nights, DH will be late home and I do the same for him. That is what couples should do.

Just. Say. No.

"Honestly DH isn't as bad as he sounds"

Really? In what way?

He sounds absolutely fucking dreadful to me.

You have a DH problem as much as an in law problem. It seems like your DH is a lazy no hoper and is taking advantage of you. If he truly loved you he'd treat you like a Queen and help out when you are sick, he would want to do that. He needs to stop being a deadbeat and start pulling his weight. And you need to be more direct with your in laws. It is clear to me where your DH gets his selfishness and laziness from.

I suggest Sunday’s becomes dh cooks day. No way would my dh get away with such incompetence. ‘If it were a project at work you’d figure it out honey, I’m going for a walk’. And repeat. If you want you can start slowly and do the shop for him. Before leaving him to it. You will all be a better family for it. The dc will see a better example of parenting than housekeeping slave mother and I’m so important dad.

Sorry if this has been asked, but why did you give your DC who had a sickness bug a fried bunch?

Also you told your in-laws you wouldn't be cooking so they brought some party snack style food. Yes some of it neeeded heating up but putting pizza in the oven is not hard.

I don't have any sort of relationship with ex in law but even I would see they /she brought food they / she were trying to help.

And have a word with DH. If it was embarrassed, surely that was on him for not doing more.

I was on their side ………………. until you said they made you cook it and clean up.

PIL/Parents bringing food like easy cook pizzas/party pies etc in my mind would be doing so to help out (and I don't get along that great with mine so it takes a bit to get me on their side right off the bat), providing a meal that requires little prep/clean up work but they definitely should have done the prep and clean up, not you.

I would have let them know though that as the kids were sick they should make it another day.

I assume the in laws didn't stand there with a gun or a whip and make her heat up the food and do the cleaning.

To be honest it sounds like they were trying to be helpful. I would have said
“That’s really thoughtful, let my DH show you where the baking trays are and how to work the oven. I’m going to go have a shower while I have 5 mins free as I’ve been up all night with bub”

I'd have let them in, told them they know where everything is and fucked off back to bed.

While your husband's behaviour was appalling, if your ILs think it's acceptable to come over when there's a vomiting bug and are happy to watch someone they know has been up all night do all the work of hosting etc, this isn't just a DH problem. They shouldn't have done that.

That frozen pizza...yikes OP. That's not good.

You need to have a kid free afternoon when you can talk to your DH - adult to adult. Yes you're a stay at home mum and certain things would generally fall to you to look after. Just because he works outside the home doesn't mean his responsibilities stop when he crosses the threshold. Where his parents/siblings are concerned, he needs to step up. Where his ill wife is concerned, he needs to step up. It's called being in a partnership, which is what a marriage should be about.
All of us here on MN can only go by what you've posted about your experience of the day and the subsequent frozen pizza for dinner. I'm sure you know that your husband is a lovely man but he needs to have the blinkers removed so that he can see what it is that you do and that the jobs around the house (including entertaining guests) don't just fall to one of you.

Oh forgot to add this - kellymom.com/fun/wisdom/what-did-you-do-all-day/
Show that to your DH.

Pixel99 the two kids that are still I'll just had toast the rest of us had a big breakfast. Just to make it clear in-laws brought food for themselves not us.... I had made it clear we had eaten.

Pixel99 the two kids that are still I'll just had toast the rest of us had a big breakfast. Just to make it clear in-laws brought food for themselves not us.... I had made it clear we had eaten. hmm

Which is even more of a reason you should have given the bag of food back and told them to cook their food.

Anyway if anyone is vaguely interested I did talk to H last night. I basically said without sounding like a nag that I was annoyed he couldn't be arsed to source decent food in the shop or put any effort into planning a meal last night when every night I have to cook and plan etc. He said that he was knackered and just wanted to get home running round the shops after work wasn't on his agenda. He also said that he genuinely believed that I like and enjoyed cooking and all the house stuff and that he will try to be more helpful in the future. I remember having a convo with my in-laws a while ago about when I eventually go back to work and mil was like how are you going to hold a job down and all the house work/kids ...... Completely failed to even think that H could help out, it was so out of her remit the thought baffeld her!

I'm not surprised MIL thinks like that given that your husband is so incompetent around the house. He's been allowed to be though by you. Time to stop letting him get away with it and put into action what you talked about last night. Prove MIL wrong.

I actually feel.a bit trapped to be honest.... Maybe it's my own doing but hear me out. Everything just makes me look like the bad person or the difficult daughter in law so I feel often it's easier to just suck it up and get on with it. For example last year we clamped down on Xmas, we were spending stupid money on DH aunts and cousins and cousins kids that we never see, they are a big family that expect. I said no last year we were not doing gifts or cards only for the in-laws and my parents. There was literally a riot. Mil leaving voicemail on my phone about how upset DHS nan was and that they feel we were being selfish etc. But it's all aimed at me, never DH!?! I've also said in the last about Sunday being our family day and that went down like a lead balloon also. But why is the backlash always against me?

Past* not last