Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws expecting me to host them

216 replies

saffyBoo · 15/10/2018 14:21

Am I right to be annoyed at my inlaws.
Yesterday went down like this In-laws were coming round to see us and the kids. I told them early-ish that morning that I wasn't cooking a Sunday dinner (we didn't even plan to previously but I just made it clear incase they thought they were getting fed) because I'm shattered and was up all night with two kids with sickness bugs and a baby teething, I had no sleep blah blah blah - we did a large brunch type fried breakfast around 11ish so kids were all full. I made it clear that they should eat before they came round earlier. I cleaned all the cooking mess up from brunch and dirty plates away with 4 kids that takes an hour. Inlaws turn up an hour later with food to be cooked, pizzas party food nibbles etc. So I ended up cooking all this food, serving it all etc. Cleaning away all the mess again, making numerous teas and fetching bits like napkins etc the stuff you do when your hosting. I was trying to be polite and smiling but secretly wanted to kill them. Why couldn't they just got a sandwich in the car lol 😆 I feel like I spend every weekend cleaning and hosting people mainly the in-laws... I might as well be a bloody caterer! Sometimes I think people.dont realize that I'm fucking knackered and NOT my jobs not to serve!!!!!!

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 15/10/2018 14:55

Go to bed if you're tired

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/10/2018 14:56

OP it's lovely that they want to visit but not when you're feeling so tired or the dc are ill let alone having the house upside down being decorated. It's ok to say not today sorry.

Do they every invite you all over and cook? Maybe suggest that?

arethereanyleftatall · 15/10/2018 14:56

So, don't put up with this op. Just don't respond, not your circus, not your monkeys.

Forward their message to your husband next time, and arrange to go out on your own half an hour before they arrive.

Eilaianne · 15/10/2018 14:56

so stop answering their messages, calls etc.

or respond with the same one liner, over and over and over.

"You'll need to arrange that via DH."

Just keep signposting them to him, then step back.
they're not your problem to manage.

reallybadidea · 15/10/2018 14:57

Your DH was working the whole time they were there? That's incredibly rude. And very unfair on you. He sounds like a bit of an arse tbh. Soz for you.

LiveatCityHall · 15/10/2018 14:57

Maybe it's just my family but when my parents, sister or in laws come over with food to be cooked they do it themselves. I've never done it for them unless they have been invited for dinner or special occasion. My family don't stand on ceremony for me and so I don't do it for them. It's not expected either. I will however make tea and coffee for them but sometimes they even do that themselves.

Thenewdoctor · 15/10/2018 14:57

You should have gone back to bed and left them all to it

Quartz2208 · 15/10/2018 14:58

He is your issue not them - they probably thought they were being helpful bringing you food that just needed to go in the oven

Your husband however - of course he knows hwo to do it (a child could put pizzas in the oven)

SuperGekkoMuscles · 15/10/2018 14:59

You’re not helping yourself OP.

Ellie56 · 15/10/2018 15:02

Agree your so called "D" H needs a kick up the backside to start getting his finger out and helping out with food preparation and other household chores, especially when his family come over. I too doubt very much he was working all the time. Hmm.

I would go out next weekend and leave them all to it.

Tighnabruaich · 15/10/2018 15:05

Time to become a tad more assertive. If you seemed ok to cook the food they brought and then ran round getting drinks etc etc and clearing up, then they must have assumed that was the case.
If you know them well enough, and they are regular visitors, and it happens again, then you could say 'Oh, MIL, do you mind just turning on the oven/putting those things in/be a pet and get some glasses out of the cupboard?'
Decent folk will be happy to help out, but most of them aren't mind-readers.
Though I do think you need to have a serious talk with your husband about abandoning all responsibility in cases like this. Hope you feel better today.

LilMy33 · 15/10/2018 15:05

I feel like I’m watching the OP play a game of “my partner is - useless twat bingo” Hmm

Also 🤣 🙄

SuperGekkoMuscles · 15/10/2018 15:06

Yeah I don’t get smilies either. There’s nothing 🤣 about it. Hmm

DarlingNikita · 15/10/2018 15:06

bunging a few pizzas in the oven really isn’t a big deal. Not the point. a) it seemed like a big deal to the OP, who was exhausted and looking after sick kids and b) she'd expressly told them she wasn't cooking, which any sensible person knowing the kids were ill and she'd be exhausted would assume meant 'not going near the kitchen'.

But the problem is obviously your DH, OP, as countless others have said.

And they ONLY message me because guess what DH never answers his phone to his mum

So you stop answering to her too. Easy. And don't cook/make tea/host in any way if you don't want to. Make yourself scarce just as he does now.

Tighnabruaich · 15/10/2018 15:07

And I should have said, asked DH to pop things in the oven, fetch napkins etc. Not just MIL.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/10/2018 15:09

DH hides behind"work" to get out of helping. If he's on his laptop in the office we all know to stay away kinda thing cuz daddy's working

Your DH is massively taking the piss.

Every post is making him sound worse.

So you do all the food preparation/cooking/cleaning/household while he's 'working' (AKA looking at porn/playing solitaire') on his laptop?

Time to have a word, love. Stand up for yourself.

AlphaBravo · 15/10/2018 15:12

Why didnt you tell your inlaws where the oven was and say "help yourself!"

5foot5 · 15/10/2018 15:13

No my DH doesn't know the difference between the oven and fridge

Yes he does but why would he need to bother when muggins does it all for him.

MN mantra no. 1 You have a DH problem.

Get the idle git out of his "office" and make him do his fair share.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/10/2018 15:13

Are you just venting OP or do you want things to change?

Andtheresaw · 15/10/2018 15:13

I think they were trying to help.
You said you were too knackered to cook so they brought you ready meals/pizzas/junk so you didn't have to do prep.
If you'd asked your MIL and explained you were knackered/going to have a bath she'd probably have done it all.
Yanbu to be knackered and fed up but TWNBU to bring pizza in a misguided attempt to lighten your load.
And your DH is an arse.
HTH.

ineedaholidaynow · 15/10/2018 15:13

I don't get the smiley emojis either!

If that had been me OP I would have gone out and left them to it and then having serious words with DH

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 15/10/2018 15:14

I think your DH is the problem. He shuts himself away in the office to work on a Sunday while you host his parents, look after your 4 children (two who are ill and a teething baby), cook and clean the house all while exhausted.

I totally understand that sometimes work needs to be done during the weekend but surely your DH could have spoken to his parents when they arrived and explained that it was not a good time to visit and could they reschedule another time or told them it would have to be a brief flying visit as he had to work and the children where unwell and you was exhausted.

I'm shocked that your DH is so domestically incapable and doesn't know how to heat up a pizza in an oven, my son knew how to do that at 12!

Willow2017 · 15/10/2018 15:15

After yiur updates you need to sort out your dp skiving off under the guose of 'work'. His parents hos responsibility. You should have went back to.bed while breezily telling dp "your parents are here with food. You will need to deal.with it i am off to bed i am shattered, see you all in a couple of hours.".

You need a discusion on dividing up.the house hold stuff more equally and looking after the kids. Bet if he had been up all night with sick.kids he wouldnt be running after anyone.
Start as you mean to.go on. Cut down the visitors and hosting. Start doing things as a family and for yourself at weekends. You are being treated as his mum, his PA, childcarer, housekeeper and chief cook and bottle washet for everyone including him. Sod that.

BertrandRussell · 15/10/2018 15:16

"Thank you so much for bringing the food- I'm feeling really dreadful at the moment, so please could you put it in the oven while I have a bath. Fred's on his laptop-hope you have better luck getting him off it than I do! See you in a bit. Kids, grandma and grandpa are in charge!"
And exit stage left.

MereDintofPandiculation · 15/10/2018 15:23

and said it's up to them if they still wanted to come or not as the kids were sick. My polite way to say don't come. I should have just said don't come Yes, you should have done. If you were my DIL, I would have taken that statement literally, as in - you had no preference, and it was our decision as to whether to risk catching the kids' illness. You could have found a polite way to say "don't come".

Bringing food was a kind thing to do, they didn't know you'd had brunch and possibly thought none of you had had more than perhaps a bowl of cereal - did they ask you to cook it, or did you just assumed that you needed to?

I think you don't like them (which might be their fault originally) so that now you automatically reach for the most negative interpretation on everything they do or say.

Swipe left for the next trending thread