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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws expecting me to host them

216 replies

saffyBoo · 15/10/2018 14:21

Am I right to be annoyed at my inlaws.
Yesterday went down like this In-laws were coming round to see us and the kids. I told them early-ish that morning that I wasn't cooking a Sunday dinner (we didn't even plan to previously but I just made it clear incase they thought they were getting fed) because I'm shattered and was up all night with two kids with sickness bugs and a baby teething, I had no sleep blah blah blah - we did a large brunch type fried breakfast around 11ish so kids were all full. I made it clear that they should eat before they came round earlier. I cleaned all the cooking mess up from brunch and dirty plates away with 4 kids that takes an hour. Inlaws turn up an hour later with food to be cooked, pizzas party food nibbles etc. So I ended up cooking all this food, serving it all etc. Cleaning away all the mess again, making numerous teas and fetching bits like napkins etc the stuff you do when your hosting. I was trying to be polite and smiling but secretly wanted to kill them. Why couldn't they just got a sandwich in the car lol 😆 I feel like I spend every weekend cleaning and hosting people mainly the in-laws... I might as well be a bloody caterer! Sometimes I think people.dont realize that I'm fucking knackered and NOT my jobs not to serve!!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
saffyBoo · 15/10/2018 19:32

I know ! It was only.untill today I got angry at myself about it

OP posts:
Flatasapancakenow · 15/10/2018 19:33

Next time you are unwell etc open the front door "thank goodness you're here to look after the DC DH is too busy to care, I'm off to bed to recuperate"

^ yes. I would welcome them with open arms and then give myself a day of childfree faffing.

poglets · 15/10/2018 19:35

I am so sick of hearing the 'demanding job' excuse..

These people all had to manage other aspects of their existence and get in to work before having partners and children. Working in a demanding job is not reason to shit on your partner and leave them to do all the grunt work.

Your husband should be hosting his own parents, pulling his weight and clearing up. Especially if you have just done it and was also feeling unwell. Otw, Marriage sounds just like servitude to me.

Stop enabling him.

MyDcAreMarvel · 15/10/2018 19:36

You say your dh doesn’t know the difference between a fridge and an oven. Clearly you don’t the difference between cooking and shoving food in the oven.
The grandparents sound really thoughtful.

eddielizzard · 15/10/2018 19:40

I used to be you. Hosting all the time, family dropping with no notice, expecting tea and meals, not lifting a finger, and not reciprocating. It got too much. I just stopped it. Just stopped. Said I can give you a cup of tea, but unfortunately don't have enough food for you - soz! Just stopped bending over backwards. If they ever offered to help: 'oh you don't need any help do you?' I would take them up on it. If I hosted Christmas and they asked what they could bring, I asked them to pitch in with clearing up and keeping the house tidy.

Over time as it became clearer that I wasn't bending over backwards anymore, they eased up.

I think the problem is you seem so capable, welcoming and hospitable that they genuinely don't think you have an issue with it. So you have to make it clearer each time, that actually it is an imposition.

Original poster
saffyBoo · 15/10/2018 19:45

I don't get how you think they are thoughtful! I cooked food for thr two of them..no one else..... When I made it clear I didn't want to cook...... When I said how exhausted I was....... How is that thoughtful? It's fucking annoying and entitled because they expect it and my feelings don't count

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 15/10/2018 19:46

Stop pretending your husband is a giant helpless baby. Expect more.

KurriKurri · 15/10/2018 19:52

Your mistake (or one of them) was letting them get as far as dsicussing food, and the cooking of it. The firm 'No' should have come at 'we're coming over'.
In their head they have no doubt been really helpful by bringing things that don't require preparation - that can just be shoved in the oven.

Next time tell them no, you are having a family day, or you are too tired for guests and they can't come. Juts keep repeating 'no' until they stop trying to force themselves on you.

And if your Dh is too thick to read the insturciotns on the packet and stick a pizza in the oven then how the hell is holding down a demanding job. I hate this 'I can't tell the fridge from the oven bollocks' - why can't you are your terminally dim or something?

He needs to seriously get his act together learn how to cook (or heat up prepackaged food) and learn how to deal with his parents.

Why does he hide behind his computer when they come over - presumably because he doesn't want to see them, so why does he assume you want to see them if he can't be bothered?
He sounds like a complete waste of space.

Judygarlandspills · 15/10/2018 19:52

I’ll be honest. You sound about 17. Have you always been immature?

LeftRightCentre · 15/10/2018 19:53

It seems like you find your h's uselessness funny. Haahaa. You either grow a spine when it comes to this or don't. It's that simple.

AlmaGeddon · 15/10/2018 19:55

Seems you've taken on the devoted sah wife and mother role, so are available to everyone to make their lives run smoothly. Not very fulfilling for you!!
You do realise after setting this pattern it will continue even though the DCs get older and need you less, even though the DCs leave Home, even when DH retires. You will be the lesser being that panders to everyone else.

Doingthedo · 15/10/2018 19:56

Stop blaming them - HE is a grown-up man who is capable of clearing up in his own house for his own children, shopping, putting food in the oven and looking after his own parents!!!! It's ridiculous that he 'hides' in his office...I have a demanding job but I can still load the dishwasher and wipe the fucking table at the weekend (luckily my DH does all the rest - shopping, washing, cooking - because , you know, he is grown up man)

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/10/2018 19:56

You're angry at the wrong people here OP. Your DH should be standing by you and saying to his parents " not today mum and dad Saffy isn't feeling great and the dc have bugs, can we come to you next Sunday for a change " and then cook you your dinner, instead of being a complete lazy tart and leaving absolutely everything up to you.

You don't seem to be getting though, so I think we're all pissing in the wind here sadly.

Maelstrop · 15/10/2018 19:56

Honestly, I’d have thrown the kids at them as they came through the door and demanded they took them out for the day. I’d have even put them on my insurance to ensure they could use my car if necessary. You missed a fucking trick there, OP!

Quartz2208 · 15/10/2018 19:58

OP you are blaming the wrong people

AllHallowsQueen · 15/10/2018 19:58

Fuck that OP. When my inlaws darken our door I am very clear with DH that he is to do any grunt work required. I will sit and nod to their monologues long enough to be polite but no way in hell am I bending over backwards like you have today. Your DH needs to get off his backside and take responsibility for hosting them.

AllHallowsQueen · 15/10/2018 19:59

But I agree that shoving food at you and expecting to cook it is not acceptable either. Surprise surprise wonder where your DH got his entitled attitude from Hmm

SaucyJack · 15/10/2018 20:01

“I cooked food for thr two of them..no one else..... ”

Hmmm. Had they not brought enough to share? It is a different kettle of fish if they only brought food for themselves.

I assumed from what you’d said earlier that they’d arrived with a large buffet for you all to nibble at all afternoon.

gamerchick · 15/10/2018 20:01

Just quickly...... I did a test 🤣 asked DH to pick up dinner for me and him (obs I fed the kids earlier) he called me in Tesco THREE times as he had no idea where anything was.... Didn't ask the staff but called me instead to ask me. Then came home with a FROZEN fucking pizza! I never cook frzown food. He said he couldn't find anything else! ........:In Tesco

Then he needs be told that evidently he needs the practise on food shopping and the more shit the job the longer he'll be doing it for.

Come on OP, time to make a stand or this shit will keep happening. I know you don't mind when you're feeling well but what about the next time you're not?

Time for a come to jesus meeting with your bloke.

Jenny17 · 15/10/2018 20:04

It can be really hard when people don’t say what they mean then get upset / annoyed etc.

In the meantime hubby needs to do more but also put his parents off when you are not up to it.

kaytee87 · 15/10/2018 20:04

If your in laws are generally nice then I think they might have thought (misguidedly) that they were being helpful.
Your DH is another matter. Of course he knows the difference between an oven and a fridge and of course he can buy dinner from Tesco - he just doesn't want to because you'll do it for him. Did your husband get up and look after his sick children with you at night or is it only you that doesn't need any sleep?
My husband also has a demanding job and guess what he still manages to do the shopping, take his turn cooking and look after our toddler. In fact last week I had a hospital appointment and he managed to do a bit of work, look after our toddler and make us all lunch for me getting in - you know, like women do all the time.

Ohheyyy · 15/10/2018 20:07

If your husband doesn't know the difference between the oven and the fridge I suggest you show him and quickly. He's a grown adult!

Jlynhope · 15/10/2018 20:11

Your dh is either complete moron or he acts dumb because he knows you'll do it all.
Your in laws thought they were helping. I don't know why dh is funny and incompetent but your in laws are rude? Having to heat up pizza and skewers is pretty close to take out. I get you felt done but it's not them expecting you to cook a full meal for them.

Booie09 · 15/10/2018 20:32

Why didn't you just tell them not to come if you felt that strongly about it.

GurlwiththeCurl · 15/10/2018 20:32

I am stunned that an adult man doesn’t know how to cook. We had those battles back in the 60s and 70s and I thought they were over by now. DH is an excellent cook and our two DSs, in their 20s can also rustle up meals as well. Even DS who has ASD can manage simple meals.

OP, your DH is seriously taking the piss!

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