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AIBU?

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Original poster

In-laws expecting me to host them

216 replies

saffyBoo · 15/10/2018 14:21

Am I right to be annoyed at my inlaws.
Yesterday went down like this In-laws were coming round to see us and the kids. I told them early-ish that morning that I wasn't cooking a Sunday dinner (we didn't even plan to previously but I just made it clear incase they thought they were getting fed) because I'm shattered and was up all night with two kids with sickness bugs and a baby teething, I had no sleep blah blah blah - we did a large brunch type fried breakfast around 11ish so kids were all full. I made it clear that they should eat before they came round earlier. I cleaned all the cooking mess up from brunch and dirty plates away with 4 kids that takes an hour. Inlaws turn up an hour later with food to be cooked, pizzas party food nibbles etc. So I ended up cooking all this food, serving it all etc. Cleaning away all the mess again, making numerous teas and fetching bits like napkins etc the stuff you do when your hosting. I was trying to be polite and smiling but secretly wanted to kill them. Why couldn't they just got a sandwich in the car lol 😆 I feel like I spend every weekend cleaning and hosting people mainly the in-laws... I might as well be a bloody caterer! Sometimes I think people.dont realize that I'm fucking knackered and NOT my jobs not to serve!!!!!!

OP posts:
AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 15/10/2018 17:08

I know its annoying, but at least they brought food with them

My IL's - every get together revolves around food.

as soon as they turn up they are asking 'when are we eating?'

If there are visable signs I am cooking, they will all stand in the kitchen , like six of them plus three kids until they are fed.. so I can't move round to do anything now...I just turn everything on super low and go sit in the lounge as it frustrates the hell outta me

lynxca16 · 15/10/2018 17:16

Your first issue is with DH - he really needs to man up here.
He didn't help in anyway and I'm assuming he wasn't up in the early hours helping you with sick children?
He doesn't even take responsibility for answering his own mother's phone calls - sounds like you have a big child in the house that may never mature into an adult.
You need to have a calm, very calm but serious discussion with DH - just tell him you have been thinking and would like to talk to him say Friday or whatever evening/morning suits but a few days ahead and make a day and time -make it light and give no further info.

Now book babysitter/minder/parents/friend to look after children.
In the meantime either write down or mentally list areas that need to be addressed.

You and DH really need to have this discussion for your own sake.

Willow2017 · 15/10/2018 17:16

Maybe hey thought you weren't cooking because you can't afford it or didn't have good in and wanted to help

Why on earth would they think that when op told them this?

I told them early-ish that morning that I wasn't cooking a Sunday dinner (we didn't even plan to previously but I just made it clear incase they thought they were getting fed) because I'm shattered and was up all night with two kids with sickness bugs and a baby teething, I had no sleep blah blah blah

Mandarine · 15/10/2018 17:35

The thing is OP, they probably thought they were being super helpful - bringing you pizza when you were too tired to cook and occupying the kids “for you.”

Can I ask what your DH actually does work-wise? I also have a DH who is generally “working” on the lap top as default position. I think most of the time he is actually working tbh, but it does annoy me that he won’t ever switch off or enforce his own boundaries. He also has form for inviting all sorts over and expecting me to cater for everyone. He gets very shocked if, for instance, I ask him to load the dishwasher after everyone has gone, but these days I don’t buy into it and just leave him to it. The first time I told him to clear up he asked me if I was ill. I just said, “no, I have done enough. I’m going upstairs.” Just do something like this and leave him to it.

Original poster
saffyBoo · 15/10/2018 19:01

Coming back to read comments in a bit just getting kids to bed. DH just got home and that's another story

OP posts:
Original poster
saffyBoo · 15/10/2018 19:04

Just quickly...... I did a test 🤣 asked DH to pick up dinner for me and him (obs I fed the kids earlier) he called me in Tesco THREE times as he had no idea where anything was.... Didn't ask the staff but called me instead to ask me. Then came home with a FROZEN fucking pizza! I never cook frzown food. He said he couldn't find anything else! ........:In Tesco! 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/10/2018 19:06

It can't come as any surprise OP surely?!

Tell him things are about to change - starting with some cooking lessons Wink

WhatchaMaCalllit · 15/10/2018 19:09

Didn't think to pop in and get some fish & chips or a cooked pizza or maybe some Chinese? Nope, a frozen pizza will do nicely. I hope he is cooking it OP

Original poster
saffyBoo · 15/10/2018 19:14

Honestly DH isn't as bad as he sounds he isn't great but he has a demanding job and was genuinely working. If I didn't communicate with the in-laws we would literally never see them. I do like my in-laws I really do and I'm happy more than happy to host people normally just yesterday was pushing the limits for me. I feel like I politely made it clear that I wasn't cooking and didn't really think it was a good idea they came round without blatantly saying it. Next time I will just say it! I did keep saying I was exhausted blah blah but no-one really was interested.... Fair enough why would they be lol. I think because I'm a sahm and do all the everything all the time lol it's always just expected from me..... And like I've previously said I'm more than happy normally to do it but really I thought that they could have appreciated the fact I wasn't feeling good yesterday and I think that it was bloody rude to turn up with food that needed me to cook it. Why couldn't they just grab some sandwiches or eat out? It's a routed belief that I muggings are there only to serve Hmm

OP posts:
Flatasapancakenow · 15/10/2018 19:15

I would have welcomed them warmly, reiterated how exhausted I was and left them alone with my oven and DC and taken myself and a cup of tea up to my bedroom.

Agree you should have said "DH I'm very tired so you can either host your parents or ring them and cancel, but either way I need rest."

I think your PIL had the best of intentions bringing food that can just be bunged in the oven (by them).

NoSquirrels · 15/10/2018 19:16

Pizza does seem to enrage you, OP!

Original poster
saffyBoo · 15/10/2018 19:16

Right now I fucking hate pizza

OP posts:
Original poster
saffyBoo · 15/10/2018 19:18

Nothing says I love you more than a shit frozen pizza

In-laws expecting me to host them
OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 15/10/2018 19:18

OP surely no one can be legitimately as useless as your DH if they are able to work a high powered job so there has to be something else going on - I can guess that he simply could not be bothered to spend his time figuring it out (walking around might help) so called you

reallybadidea · 15/10/2018 19:20

Presumably his demanding job takes a fair bit of intelligence, yet he can't work out what to buy or where to find it in a large supermarket? He's taking you for a ride.

Flatasapancakenow · 15/10/2018 19:20

If it's a heat-it-up-and-go type of oven affair they probably didn't classify it as "cooking". Not trying to be pedantic, but I know my mum wouldn't consider it cooking unless I was chopping onions, sealing beef, peeling potatoes etc.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/10/2018 19:20

It's a routed belief that I muggings are there only to serve

And only you can change that. Stop being a mug. Start saying it's not convenient this week or whenever if you don't feel up to it.

Do they ever invite you all over for a meal?

Original poster
saffyBoo · 15/10/2018 19:23

It wasn't just a pizza yesterday it was like party nibbles chicken skewers and other stuff that had to be heated up/ cooked . The point was that I had already done my motherly duty cooking that day and cleared up etc then round two of it all again Hmm

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 15/10/2018 19:24

But OP its a belief that comes from your partner - when he cant even be bothered to walk around Tesco to help you its clear he believes it.

LagunaBubbles · 15/10/2018 19:26

So why did you heat the food up then? Seriously?

Flatasapancakenow · 15/10/2018 19:26

I get it. I think you should habe given them free access to your oven and left them to it (as I said in a previous post).

I'm just saying in their defence they probably thought "What can we eat that can just be heated up because saffybo said she isn't up to cooking?" and thought bung it in the oven type stuff was a good idea.

RandomMess · 15/10/2018 19:28

Next time you are unwell etc open the front door "thank goodness you're here to look after the DC DH is too busy to care, I'm off to bed to recuperate"

RomanyRoots · 15/10/2018 19:29

I genuinely believe he is a man child. He's married his mother.Grin

If his mum was like this and then his wife, he's never had to look after himself, he won't have a clue.
A lot of women couldn't be with a man like this, myself included.
But this could be attractive to some women, each to their own.
People only take advantage if we allow them to.

Original poster
saffyBoo · 15/10/2018 19:29

Agreed totally I can tell by the tone of his voice on the phone that he was thinking "me??? Your asking me to go food shopping?" Like I could tell he wasn't happy. I really need to have a good think about my life. Now that I have started to view things this afternoon. Everyone in our family I'm talking about in-laws etc and my family pull me in every direction. Like every event revolves around us and that's fair we have kids but it will always land in my lap to sort out /host/ organise

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/10/2018 19:30

So why did you heat the food up then? Seriously?

You do realise by heating up the food yesterday that people think you're ok with it? That you're happy to do it.

They'll only realise you're not when you tell them you're not going to do it!