In-laws expecting me to host them

[saffyBoo]

Am I right to be annoyed at my inlaws.
Yesterday went down like this In-laws were coming round to see us and the kids. I told them early-ish that morning that I wasn't cooking a Sunday dinner (we didn't even plan to previously but I just made it clear incase they thought they were getting fed) because I'm shattered and was up all night with two kids with sickness bugs and a baby teething, I had no sleep blah blah blah - we did a large brunch type fried breakfast around 11ish so kids were all full. I made it clear that they should eat before they came round earlier. I cleaned all the cooking mess up from brunch and dirty plates away with 4 kids that takes an hour. Inlaws turn up an hour later with food to be cooked, pizzas party food nibbles etc. So I ended up cooking all this food, serving it all etc. Cleaning away all the mess again, making numerous teas and fetching bits like napkins etc the stuff you do when your hosting. I was trying to be polite and smiling but secretly wanted to kill them. Why couldn't they just got a sandwich in the car lol 😆 I feel like I spend every weekend cleaning and hosting people mainly the in-laws... I might as well be a bloody caterer! Sometimes I think people.dont realize that I'm fucking knackered and NOT my jobs not to serve!!!!!!

If they bought the food point the PILS to the kitchen and let them get on with it.

As regards your DH you have made the rod for your own back there so you need to insist he steps up to the plate.

I woukd have got my cup.of tea and gone to my bedroom leaving them to sort themselves out!

In some relationships it works for MILs/DILs to organise meeting up/meals out/presents etc but only if they are reasonable and get on well. But when one side isn't being reasonable it works better for the inlaws to go through their son so bypasses the DIL completely. There's no way you should have been on the receiving end of the abuse regarding not giving presents OP.

You've said previously you get on with them well which is good but there has to be full respect on both sides. When she let rip at you about the no present situation what did you do/say?

It all comes to you because you have been responsive to it and DH hasn’t. Time to nip that shit in the bud. From now on DH takes responsibility for communicating with DH’s family. If they contact you about that stuff you send a breezy message back saying “Oh best talk to DH about that” over and over until they get it.

They sound like a bunch of entitled pricks tbh who are still living with 1950’s ideas about gender roles and have raised their son to be the same. He needs to step up and take responsibility.

I'm not going to bash you when you're feeling low OP but this comment by @GreatDuckCookery I feel has to be cleared up, especially as it immediately follows one of your own when your MiL felt that the house work was completely out of her remit to believe that her son should be doing part of it:
"I'm not surprised MIL thinks like that given that your husband is so incompetent around the house. He's been allowed to be though by you"

I disagree. He's been allowed to and has learned to by watching is mother. If she had gotten him involved in cooking, cleaning, shopping, ironing, dusting etc. etc. etc. from an early age, it would be second nature to him now. It isn't and while the OP is enabling this to continue (I hope that will be coming to an end soon), it is his mother that allowed it to happen in the first place.

I'm going to suggest that you read a book called Toxic In-Laws and see if there are any coping strategies in that book.

Your DH needs to step up more. Be answerable to his parents more. and you need to let him.

Best of luck to you OP - I really do feel like this has been a watershed moment for you and I wish you all the best for the future.

I would've left all the food they brought, on the side in the kitchen. End of.

WhatchaMaCalllit you're right his mother is most likely to blame for her sons attitude but at the end of the day the OP has continued to enable this piss poor behaviour of his and allowed him to think it's perfectly ok that his wife does everything. Which of course it's not ok and he damn well knows it.

yep, still 2018.

Wtf? Your problem is you and your DH need to reassess the ingrained sexism here.

You need to learn to be assertive and your husband needs to learn not to be a waste of space.

When someone wants to visit and you don't want them to the correct response is "No."

Since you didn't manage that then when they showed up with food to be cooked, you should have told them where the pots and pans they needed to cook it themselves were.

Your husband is a LAZY useless manchild who you need to stop making excuses for.

I'm wondering if you need a bit more distance from them all. People only behave in this way (calling you about presents, imposing on you when you're tired etc) when a certain dynamic has been created and they are used to being able to call the shots. I wouldn't get into any lengthy explanations with them. Your DH has learnt not to answer the phone to them and that obviously works for him. Similarly, he's learnt to be 'working' when they come round or you're making dinner. I think you need to find ways to create a similar distance and to be assertive about saying what you want. You don't have to answer the phone. If they ring and catch you, it's fine to say that you can't do today but will be in touch about another time. If they come round with pizza, it's fine to point them to the oven and tell them nicely to help themselves because you're exhausted. (Frankly, I'd be getting into my PJs and calling out for a cuppa from the sofa!) If you keep doing things for people, they will let you.

This "shopping not on his agenda". Did you point out getting up to sick kids in the night was not on YOUR agenda and feeding grown adults who know you are exhausted was a requirement too much. He is trying deliberate incompetence and you need to nip it in the bud. Caring for a family is exhausting and he is not more important than you. He needs to step up and prove that he can do things ready for when you go back to work. Wifework is old fashioned and no longer acceptable. The fuss the family makes should be redirected to him and your decisions and needs acknowledged.

I assume the backlash always comes your way as you are the one usually giving the messages. I also assume your MIL sees DH as her little boy still.

I remember once when we were having problems with MIL DH promised me that he would speak to his mum about her behaviour, as I said it needed to come from him not me. He phoned her (she lives a long way from us) and then immediately went "ineeda" wants to speak to you and passed the phone to me! We can laugh about it now, but it never happened again. Luckily MIL has got over this phase and we get on well now.

I assume FIL/MIL had the traditional roles of working man and housewife, and struggle with anything different. My parents were like this. The first time we went to my parents' house with DS, DH went to change DS's nappy and both my DM and GM were like, what is wrong with you, why is DH doing that? I soon put them straight, that DH was just as capable as me to do that, and they soon accepted that we were going to do things differently than the way they did. MIL took much longer to accept this, but got there eventually.

You need to make your DH step up in all ways, both communicating with his family and in helping in the house. Especially if you are considering going back to work.

He may be tired after a long day at work, but I bet you are tired after looking after 4 children.

If you don't want every Sunday with your ILs you need DH to tell them. I don't know how old your children are but as they get older they will want to do thing with their friends or take part in sports/hobbies at the weekend so you won't be able to see the ILs every weekend anyway.

But why is the backlash always against me?

Because you let them get away with it.

MIL leaves you a voicemail about how upset someone else is? Delete it. Block her. Tell her you've blocked her and why.

Sunday being your family day goes down like a lead balloon? So let it. Let them deal with it. Breeze past it. Get on with your nice Sundays.

But most of all, kick your DH into touch.

But it's all aimed at me, never DH!?!
But why is the backlash always against me?

Because they think of it as wife-work and, so far, you have let them all get away with it.

Time to step back. Give your DH plenty of warning (like now!) that this year you expect him to choose, buy, wrap and deliver all the Christmas presents and cards for his side of the family as well as doing his fair share in the presents for your own DC. Do not back down and take over when (if) he falls short. If this means no, or crap, presents for his parents do not take any responsibility. "Oh dear MIL, did he really not get you a present this year? What a poor show! Shall I put him on the phone to you so you can tell him what you think of this?"

And that is just the start. If they want to arrange visits. Put DH on the phone. If they invite themselves over, ask him what he is going to cook for them.

And so on.

FWIW not all DHs are like this so don't allow any of them to fool you in to thinking this is normal. My DH is 60 and has a full time demanding job but he has always pulled his weight around the house and in family matters.

He's been allowed to and has learned to by watching is mother.

I disagree; he has learned to by watching his mother and his father. Why do women always get held responsible?
Maybe the OP should also hold him accountable for his own behaviour, seeing as he's a sentient adult who manages to hold down a job.

@reallybadidea - you're 100% correct and I should have put that into my post as well. Your DH's father is equally responsible for the way that your DH sees housework and (I really dislike the phrase) wife-work.

Thanks @WhatchaMaCalllit, I'm glad you see it the same way

Just out of interest (and a bit OT) why do you dislike the phrase wife work?

OP if your IL’s send you ranting email’s and voicemails and whatever, just respond I’ll let your son know. Every single time.

You have to start caring less what they think about you as they pearly think you’re their skivvy and have no concern for your health or wellbeing. I wouldn’t hesitate to go off to bed in the scenario where your il’s bought their own food.

Wouldn’t have touched the bags either, would have told them to give them to their son. And then I’d have disappeared.

Who cares if they find you rude. They’re monumentally rude intruding on you when your family is sick and you are exhausted.

Roads to Sandandseas excellent point, your husband is filling a space you have allowed him to create. If you don't answer the door, he has to. If you don't make yourself available and martyr yourself, he will. The pair of you make a whole. Maybe partly he does less and makes no effort because you always step up.

Say what you want and stick to it. And leave him to do. They're his parents.

I'm.a bit overwhelmed by the response to this thread. I am reading all comments and taking stuff on board. Just need a bit of help with how not to come across as the bad Dil. I know a lot of you are so strong and blatant but I find it hard... Not that it matters but my fil is DH step dad. DH never had a dad growing up. I know mils older son who is 38 still lives life of Riley at home with her. She even brings his dinner up to his room under one of those silver plate warmer things. Fucking hell she is an awful pushover. I'm not going to be anymore but do need to find a balance for everything. At the end of the day he works and I don't but weekends should be up for grabs. I've had enough of being a servant 7 days a week.

To the person who asked about mil moaning about last Xmas, I think because left a voicemail she felt she could say it. In person she didn't say it and I never brought it up with her. Believe it or not I have really cut down on stuff over the last year like I would go out my way to make sure everyone was invited to everything school stuff, birthdays, Easter Xmas Halloween whatever. But I really have cut down on it all. If they overstep again I will put them in their place. I still have no confidence for DH though.

Good job OP, you’ll get there. As a SAHM mum myself with a DH who works long hours I do understand how you get into the habit of doing almost everything even when they could, because you’re kind of “in the zone” anyway and it’s much quicker to just get it done yourself. I catch myself doing things I shouldn’t because I know DH will bumble around and take twice as long, but trying to step back as much as possible.

I also think so many of us have only had this dynamic modeled to us so breaking out of the expectations we put on wives vs husbands can be difficult. My mum and grandmothers did everything for their men, and same in DH’s family. Now we are both determined to model something different for our own son, who at 2 already helps with cooking, cleaning and laundry. Am determined he will not be useless like his forefathers!

I know a lot of you are so strong and blatant but I find it hard

I can see you find it hard OP and everyone (including me) telling you that you need to do this and you need to say that is only going to overwhelm you.

You don't have to make a huge fuss or shout and strop about making small differences to the way you act around them. Maybe start by having this Sunday off ( I think I've said this already so sorry if I'm repeating myself ) text them and say that this week you're busy with the children and don't give in to them.

Then little by little start putting your foot down. You will feel empowered and hopefully things will start to get easier or they may not and you will have to put up with them not liking the new you! But at least you won't be being put on all the time.

You mentioned earlier that you'd spoken to DH about how you needed him to be more helpful and hands on which is good too, maybe write a list of what you expect him to do from now on and put it on the fridge so you ( and him ) can be reminded of it.

How does that sound?

AllHallows has a very good point, you need to ensure that you have the right model for your DC especially sons.

I have been SAHM and worked PT at various times since DS was born. So at times I have done more housework than DH, and we've always joked about me being the laundry fairy. But once DS was old enough he was responsible for putting his dirty clothes in the laundry basket and putting his clean clothes away. He has also seen DH wield an iron. DH is also, by far, a better cook than me, so he will cook meals even when I have been a SAHM, as he enjoys it.

I was out last night at a meeting, but it was a community thing I volunteer for, so not a demanding job (although seems to take up more hours and responsibility as my previous part-time role did). DH did not complain that he was responsible for dinner as I was out.

Interestingly in our circle of friends, if we go to someone's house for dinner, it is more than likely the men that cook.

It is hard when you are a SAHM to break the tradition of women's work, but there really is no excuse for men not to do their share when they are at home, especially when you have 4DC.

Do you ever get a chance for you time (hard if you have a baby)? Is there a chance you could go out for an afternoon and your DH has to muddle through and sort out kids' tea? Might be rubbish beige food but at least it would be a start.

Tbh I think they thought they were helping by bringing food. It's the sort of thing my mum would do, my brother too - they arrive with bags of food despite me saying don't bring anything, we have supermarkets here. If a similar scenario occurs again suggest a local pub that they can get a Sunday lunch in, carvery is popular with that age group.

Btw, have the same with dh ignoring people and never cooking, I just insist on ordering in these days - there's a place that delivers full roast dinners!

Thanks for all the kind messages.