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To have a child when I have zero interest in caring for a baby?

479 replies

Undecided84 · 12/10/2018 19:32

I am a long time lurker trying to get an insight into what my life might be like if I do jump off the fence and have a kid.

I am 34, married to DH 40 (we have been together for over a decade, but we got married more recently and just bought our own house). Until recently I was firmly childfree. However, I am now more of a fence sitter.

DH really wants at least one kid. I always made it clear to him that I couldn’t guarantee that I would change my mind so that if it was a be all and end all thing for him, then he should find someone else. He has always replied to this by saying that he’d rather not have them at all than have them with anyone but me. In some ways, this is a nice thing to say, but it puts a huge amount of pressure on me as I feel like I hold the whole responsibility for whether he becomes a father.

More recently, I have come to realise that it’s not the idea of parenthood in general that puts me off, but the idea of taking maternity leave, breastfeeding and being stuck at home caring for a baby or toddler. I have a very interesting and demanding job, which I do not want to step back from in any way, as does DH, so neither of us would be willing or want to go part-time if we had a child. However, we do both have a certain amount of flexibility and both work from home a couple of days a week.

I have been thinking that if I could take the minimum amount of maternity leave necessary, put the child in a nursery full time once he/she is 3 months old, and then go back to work full time, then, just maybe, I could probably cope with having just one child and I wouldn’t resent and hate parenthood.

However, is this all just a sign that I shouldn’t be contemplating having a child at all, even if my DH really wants one? I am interested to hear from other people who simply endured the baby stage, and went into parenthood knowing from the outset that they were not even remotely interested in babies and toddlers?

OP posts:
needsahouseboy · 12/10/2018 19:38

I don't like the baby or toddler stage, I've no interest in them. I went back to work when mine was 5 months and had to work shifts etc. I could never be a stay at home mum or give up my career.

I love my DS, he's now 8 and lots more fun that a bloody toddler or baby. We do all sorts of stuff together and its been great watching him grow and do these things.

I still have no interest in babies or toddlers, am bored to tears by them and always have been. I feign interest in my friends but have no interest in holding them or playing with them.

I wouldn't change having my DS for anything but I did find the pre-school years very tough. I was however, a single parent and was either at work or with my DS so had absolutely no life of my own.

Cantchooseaname · 12/10/2018 19:38

Absolutely no way on the planet I could have worked full time at 3 months.
Sleep for a start. No way I would have made competent decisions at work.
Would a nanny be an option? Keep such a small child at home?
I am sure people do- but I have no idea how.

GreyCloudsToday · 12/10/2018 19:38

It sounds like you have a rich and interesting life that you don't want to compromise for a baby. That's really ok. Having a kid is cool, but it's also a ton of hard work. Don't have a baby for your husband if he's not prepared to be the primary carer.

PookieDo · 12/10/2018 19:40

I would consider a nanny
My Dsis is like you and this is a godsend to her
Nanny is like a lovely family friend now

HouseQueen101 · 12/10/2018 19:40

If you’re not “remotely interested in babies” you probably shouldn’t have one.

Are you considering it just to keep your DH happy?

justwantcheesee · 12/10/2018 19:40

To be honest after reading your post it sounds like it would just be cruel if you had a child. It's not going to grow up very wanted or looked after if you are disinterested before it's even born.

EthelHallowsBroomstick · 12/10/2018 19:41

I agree with Cantchooseaname, a nanny might be a better option for you, if you can afford it?

Ohyesiam · 12/10/2018 19:42

Didn’t read it all(sorry) but they are only babies for a year. It does feel like a long year though.

RoboticMary · 12/10/2018 19:43

Kids aren’t easy to care for. You need to give them your all, all day every day. I really don’t think it’s for you.

donquixotedelamancha · 12/10/2018 19:43

Those early years of bonding are important. Personally I think it's far from ideal for a baby to be in full time childcare. Fortunately you have an easy solution- DH takes the maternity leave and is the main carer.

If he doesn't want to do so then neither of you really want a child and I honestly think you shouldn't bother. Having a kid is hard. Maternity is hard. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent and that is absolutely fine.

Oysterbabe · 12/10/2018 19:43

From what you say I don't think you should have one.

Quartz2208 · 12/10/2018 19:43

Agree you dont want a child - and in this who does the night feeds etc - babies are hardwork and not just the daytime

Your husband wants a baby without doing any of the work and just expects you to do it - no if he wants to he needs to take at least some (if not the majority) of the sacrifices because it will involve quite a lot

and its not on your shoulders - he doesnt want his life to change either and therefore I can see exactly how it would play out

Blondielongie · 12/10/2018 19:44

Can't DH take your maternity leave? He'd probably love to, and you could go back to work. I think it's normal to feel how you do but you may change your mind once you have baby and want to take lots of time off. So if you do have a baby I wouldnt commit to any desision about anything workwise until you know how you feel after the first few weeks.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 12/10/2018 19:45

You’re just talking about how could have one, not that you actually want to have one. I don’t think you should.

Incognito8522 · 12/10/2018 19:45

Nobody is remotely interested in 'babies' as a general concept.

Your baby will be a very different matter and I can guarantee that they will be the most perfect and enchanting creature ever to exist.

Some people find the actual parenting of the child harder and more tedious than others, admittedly...its worth it though.

Morgan12 · 12/10/2018 19:45

A child takes over every single aspect of your life. I've been trying to wash my hair for a week and literally haven't had the time. You need to be prepared for how much your life will change. As for working at 3 months, my DD is 3 months just now and I've averaged around 3-4 hours sleep each night for the past 5 days. Honestly it's so hard but to me it's worth it as I really wanted children. I'm not sure how I would be coping if I didn't really want them to begin with.

honeyskye · 12/10/2018 19:46

Yes and no.

It’s more dangerous imo to want a baby. But if you want a family but aren’t keen on the baby stage it sounds ok to me.

honeyskye · 12/10/2018 19:46

I think that’s nonsense Morgan.

Put it down and wash your hair Hmm

Incognito8522 · 12/10/2018 19:47

To be honest though, its perhaps not such a bad idea to go into it giving yourself the 'out' of full time childcare at 3 months.

I'd bet my bottom dollar you don't end up using it though.

Shazafied · 12/10/2018 19:47

Babies and toddlers are really really hard work even if they go to nursery all day. My baby is 10 months and doesn’t sleep through, I’m permanently shattered and have no idea how I’ll cope when I got back to work in a few weeks. You also have lack of freedom evenings and weekends. Babies cry , kick off in car seats, need schedules etc etc and I’ve found that not being able to do what I want even at the weekends quite hard. And I really really wanted a baby. Also you don’t know what your child will be like. What if they have specific health needs / issues? They cannot be picked up and put down when you feel like it and , unlike work, you don’t get a day off or a sick day.

I’d echo others and say that if you do have a baby you should have a nanny/ someone who can help at night . But then if you really don’t want much to do with it , why bother ?

mumofmunchkin · 12/10/2018 19:47

If your dh is the driving force behind having a baby (and it really sounds like he is), then I think he needs to think about whether he is willing to step up and be the main career in these circumstances. He can’t assume that, if you have a baby, the main carer/person who takes the time off post birth will automatically be you. You could take a month or two off to recover from the birth, and then he takes a few months off to care for the baby. 3 months is awfully young to put a baby in full time childcare if it’s not absolutely necessary.

ItsJustTheOneSwanActually · 12/10/2018 19:48

I don't think anyone should have a child unless they really, really want one. Which is why I have none. And quite possibly nor should you.


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Blondielongie · 12/10/2018 19:48

Sorry just re-read. If he wants one more than you, I think he needs to commit to taking a break from work. This is what many women do who want children when their partners/husbands aren't fussed. Or even if their partners are keen on having them, quite often women do the majority by default.

Elementtree · 12/10/2018 19:49

You know, you don't sound like you want a child at all. If you have to plan in advance how to might make having a child tolerable then that's incredibly sad. You don't owe your DH this.

SaucyJack · 12/10/2018 19:50

“Nobody is remotely interested in 'babies' as a general concept.“

Bollocks. Lots of people are interested in babies. I like babies meself.

I don’t think you should have one OP tbh. You’re already planning ways to keep the child as far away from you as possible. That’s not a good sign, and it isn’t fair to have a bring a kid into this world if you don’t think you’ll want to spend time with them when they’re at their most need of an attachment.

That’s not a criticism tho. Fine not to want kids.

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