To have a child when I have zero interest in caring for a baby?

[Undecided84]

I am a long time lurker trying to get an insight into what my life might be like if I do jump off the fence and have a kid.

I am 34, married to DH 40 (we have been together for over a decade, but we got married more recently and just bought our own house). Until recently I was firmly childfree. However, I am now more of a fence sitter.

DH really wants at least one kid. I always made it clear to him that I couldn’t guarantee that I would change my mind so that if it was a be all and end all thing for him, then he should find someone else. He has always replied to this by saying that he’d rather not have them at all than have them with anyone but me. In some ways, this is a nice thing to say, but it puts a huge amount of pressure on me as I feel like I hold the whole responsibility for whether he becomes a father.

More recently, I have come to realise that it’s not the idea of parenthood in general that puts me off, but the idea of taking maternity leave, breastfeeding and being stuck at home caring for a baby or toddler. I have a very interesting and demanding job, which I do not want to step back from in any way, as does DH, so neither of us would be willing or want to go part-time if we had a child. However, we do both have a certain amount of flexibility and both work from home a couple of days a week.

I have been thinking that if I could take the minimum amount of maternity leave necessary, put the child in a nursery full time once he/she is 3 months old, and then go back to work full time, then, just maybe, I could probably cope with having just one child and I wouldn’t resent and hate parenthood.

However, is this all just a sign that I shouldn’t be contemplating having a child at all, even if my DH really wants one? I am interested to hear from other people who simply endured the baby stage, and went into parenthood knowing from the outset that they were not even remotely interested in babies and toddlers?

I'm in agreement. I don't think having a baby is a good idea. You sound like you're only considering the idea to appease your DH. It will probably lead to a lot of resentment further down the road.

Having a child requires compromise, not just when they are babies but throughout their life. I have two and logistically it's a nightmare trying to get them both to school and DH and I to work full time. It involves compromise from both DH and I. I've largely had to put my career on the back burner. It has been a combination of my choice and circumstances. My job got made redundant when I was pregnant with my youngest while DH had career opportunities open up to him at the same time.

I went back to work after 6 months with both kids. Full time with eldest, part time with youngest. It's not as easy as it appears from the outside and every day is pretty much a whirlwind of feeling stressed, exhausted and having no time to myself.

I’m working part time now I have a toddler and love it BUT both my brother and I went into full time childcare at 12 weeks old and we turned out fine! I don’t have the most loving relationship with my mum but it’s because we have very different interests in life and she isn’t a very affectionate person. We have a brilliant relationship with our dad (our parents are together and happy) and I don’t believe that being at home with my mum instead of childcare would have done anything other than make our relationship worse. I’m getting married next week, The childminder that I had in primary school is coming because we have such a great relationship, she’s just another family member I got because I was in childcare 😊

Lord nibbled I agree. Don’t have children if you don’t have the emotional energy to invest into them.

These threads are always full of “i put my 8 week old into full time nursery 7-6pm5 days a week and they’re fine”.... trouble is there’s always going to be a report bias.

My mil would tell you she is mother of the year and her DC are all “fine”

Reality is she was/is physically neglectful and abusive and emotionally abusive and they all have attachment issues manifesting as relationship problems, heavy drinking, depression and anxiety and DH is LC (myself and DC are NC)

“ I wanted a child but unfortunately you have to have a baby first.“

I can totally understand that, because the relentless and neediness of small babies can suck big balls. There’s not often a huge payback for a looong.

But the OP isn’t saying she wants a child either. That’s the thing.

We all have stages we like, and stages we’d give our left kidney to avoid (tweens who sulk at family parties is my current bete noir), but if there’s nothing at all appealing about having your own mini me following you round for the next 24/7/365/18 years, then probably best all round to keep the Nexplanon in.

Nobody likes spending their Saturday mornings visiting their offspring in an anorexia unit because they’re feeling so fucked up and unloved they’re refusing to eat. Really limits your flexibility for those weekend conference calls with Tokyo.

it's such a huge risk though isn't it. you say you won't like the baby/toddler stage but what if you don't like any stage? this isn't just a child it's a person with it's own life and may end up with self esteem issues if they grow up and mum was never bothered/didn't take to motherhood/ didn't bond with me.
before anyone says lots of dad's feel that way or leave I know and I'd say the same to them. it's not ideal to have a child unless you really want a child

OP here. Wow! This was my first post, so I am amazed at the number of responses. Regarding my DH, I think some people have made some incorrect assumptions about him wanting a child but not wanting to do any of the work, etc.

DH earns a lot more than I do and also works long hours, but when I started my job a year or so ago, which requires a very long commute (think 1 hr 30 mins + each way) he voluntarily took of almost all of the housework (cooking all meals, cleaning etc) during the week because he had a shorter commute and the ability to work from home frequently. He did this for over a year until I was finally able to negotiate with my boss to be allowed to work from home twice a week. Even now, he still does more as I still spend more time commuting than he does. He also found the idea of me taking his surname sexist, which is why I kept my own name after we got married.

Him taking parental leave would not make financial sense, as we would struggle to pay the mortgage on just my salary, which is why it would have to be me if we did have a child. His job is far more flexible than mine though. Although I work from home a few days a week, I am still expected to keep regular office hours. He, on the other hand, works from home for more days than I do and he isn't required or expected to work regular office hours (this often means he will work at weekends etc, but it does mean that he is in a better position to fit his work in around a child.) If we did have a kid, then he fully expects to be the one responsible for drop offs etc.

If you were going to do it you’d need a nanny and not rely on nursery. I think you’re naive if you think even with good childcare your work won’t be affected. One of you will need to be leaving work on time to get home, there will be sickness, tiredness, worry etc. I’m more knackered with a 2 year old and part time work in a demanding role than I ever was with a newborn. I’ve had lots of career chats with senior woman and it seems like two models where both parents work. The first seems to involve various forms of juggling where one person’s career takes priority at various different points whether that’s because one parent is doing part time, one can’t do usual travel etc. The second seems to be to staff up- nannies, cleaners etc so the weekends are free for family time.

The thing that strikes me about your post isn’t that you’re worried about your career (which is quite normal) but the complete lack of desire for a child and all it brings. It seems like your focusing on pushing out the baby and then getting on with life without anything changing.

This is such a difficult one to make a decision on. I think when you are in a job you enjoy with the life style that that affords it's so difficult to imagine what it might be like having a family. Your impression of being a mum is very difficult to imagine when you haven't experienced it yourself. I think my whole vision of life and my aims and ambitions have completely changed since we had children. My ambitions are no longer based on my career but on my family. I have changed entirely my view of my value as a person and my career has definitely taken a bake seat. Watch children grow and develop and being part of that is such a pressions experience my entire life has completely changed.

I find it bizarre how many people aren't smitten by babies tbh!!

I don't know op, and really no one knows but you and your partner, whether or not you should have a baby. However, and it may be just the way you wrote the post, the sense I get from it is that neither of you will put your baby first and I think that's sad. However if and when you have the baby you may both be v happily surprised by how you then feel.

Also, to be fair, not everyone finds baby and toddler hood awful. Personally I found it brilliant the majority of the time. Not all babies, toddlers are poor sleepers, hard work etc. Some are obviously!

It’s not just about the practical arrangements a child needs to feel unconditionally loved and wanted

If in doubt, just don’t

"It seems like your focusing on pushing out the baby and then getting on with life without anything changing"

Yes! This. Your whole lives will change. You have to want a child. A baby becomes a child. It's forever.

A baby won't fit into your existing life. It will turn it on it's head. You don't sound like you want a child. That's ok.
Your DH sounds like he likes the idea of a child but won't make any of the compromises needed to make it possible. Would he take parental leave? Who looks after the baby when it's sick and can't go to Nursery? What happens when Nursery is closed and during holidays?

If you don't want to change your life don't have a baby. That's a perfectly acceptable choice. It's your life.

Even with child care in the week you will still be expected to parent your child and it really sounds like you don’t want to, it’s a life long commitment

You could always change job though OP. Can’t be much of a job if it’s you spend 1.5 hours communting each way and don’t get paid much. I’ve found children totally refocus’ this. Will give you clarity on whether it’s really all that great.

Personally I got promoted on maternity then promoted again a year after I returned. It doesn’t need to be negative for your career but you might find it refocus’ you

DH really wants at least one kid. I always made it clear to him that I couldn’t guarantee that I would change my mind so that if it was a be all and end all thing for him, then he should find someone else. He has always replied to this by saying that he’d rather not have them at all than have them with anyone but me. In some ways, this is a nice thing to say, but it puts a huge amount of pressure on me as I feel like I hold the whole responsibility for whether he becomes a father.

I think you're framing this all wrong. He's already said that while he would enjoy being a dad he would also enjoy the freedoms of NOT being a dad, ultimately it's up to you and he's fully prepared to abide by your wishes.

So what do you do? Immediately believe that you need to set yourself up for a nightmare existence raising a child for the next 18+ years when it's clear you really really REALLY don't want one, and all just because hubby has an ever-so-slight preference for one.

I have a very interesting and demanding job, which I do not want to step back from in any way, as does DH, so neither of us would be willing or want to go part-time if we had a child.

He is not interested in kids and neither are you. Take that money which you would otherwise blow on a kid, and go on a trip to Iceland instead. Have a great time and send us all a postcard.

I'd say go for it Op

Don't be rigid about the minimum maternity though you may wish to take a while longer.

I genuinely can't see the point of having a child if your sole aim from the beginning is to outsource as much of its care as you can and to attempt to carry on your life as though they don't exist.

Sounds like you don't really want a child, just don't do it and help save the world! Yay!

u sound like youre talking abot a pet you might get

you dont want one dont have one because your dh does-he knows the score and is fine with it

Caprisunorange . Freelancing is an option in my career, but I would need a few more years of experience in my current job before that would be viable for me.

In theory, it could work. My eldest started nursery at 4 months (I took mat leave from 34 weeks expecting him to come around 36 weeks as me and my sister were early: he came at 42 weeks so I wasted 2 of my 6months mat leave). He’s a happy 13yo and we’re very close.
But... you don’t want a baby. Do you want a 1yo? A 2yo? A 3yo? A teenager? If not, don’t do it!

A child can't be fitted in to your life as you imagine. It can't be project managed like that. I think you might be making a mistake if you think once the baby stage is over life will resume - can you go to a family planning session to discuss your feelings?

If you don’t like babies, do you actually like kids when they’re a bit older?

I wouldn’t. Kids totally change your life. They deserve to feel wanted. Even people who long for dc can get pnd and can find things very hard. Would be much harder if they were ambivalent about having kids in the first place.

put the child in a nursery full time once he/she is 3 months old, and then go back to work full time

Not 'my' baby, but 'the' baby.

Full time nursery, at 12 weeks old.

No. Being a mother is probably not for you. And that's ok. It really is.

How about you and DP both take 3 months off together (flexible parental leave allows that) and then both go back?

If you are both off it is not as hard, and not at all lonely, it's a lovely time that you can bond as a family.

I was ambivalent before having DD but was won over my how much DH adores her, for that reason it has been completely different to what I expected.

DH does half the baby-wrangling as well. But you have to let them be in charge from the start I think (which means some bottle feeding, you can express if you want to feed breast milk) or you will end up as the default parent.