To have a child when I have zero interest in caring for a baby?

[Undecided84]

I am a long time lurker trying to get an insight into what my life might be like if I do jump off the fence and have a kid.

I am 34, married to DH 40 (we have been together for over a decade, but we got married more recently and just bought our own house). Until recently I was firmly childfree. However, I am now more of a fence sitter.

DH really wants at least one kid. I always made it clear to him that I couldn’t guarantee that I would change my mind so that if it was a be all and end all thing for him, then he should find someone else. He has always replied to this by saying that he’d rather not have them at all than have them with anyone but me. In some ways, this is a nice thing to say, but it puts a huge amount of pressure on me as I feel like I hold the whole responsibility for whether he becomes a father.

More recently, I have come to realise that it’s not the idea of parenthood in general that puts me off, but the idea of taking maternity leave, breastfeeding and being stuck at home caring for a baby or toddler. I have a very interesting and demanding job, which I do not want to step back from in any way, as does DH, so neither of us would be willing or want to go part-time if we had a child. However, we do both have a certain amount of flexibility and both work from home a couple of days a week.

I have been thinking that if I could take the minimum amount of maternity leave necessary, put the child in a nursery full time once he/she is 3 months old, and then go back to work full time, then, just maybe, I could probably cope with having just one child and I wouldn’t resent and hate parenthood.

However, is this all just a sign that I shouldn’t be contemplating having a child at all, even if my DH really wants one? I am interested to hear from other people who simply endured the baby stage, and went into parenthood knowing from the outset that they were not even remotely interested in babies and toddlers?

I have known people change their views completely when the baby comes along. One of my friends was brilliant with other people's children, yet really struggled as a new Mum and ended up on anti depressants. Another friend didn't want children, fell pregnant by accident and fell in love with motherhood. Personally I was bored until DS started talking. Before that it was simply feeding, changing and trying to get him to sleep.

@NotANotMan lol she’s a very happy 4 year old. And her brother is a very happy 9 year old. It’s perfectly fine go take you’re judgment and stick it up your backside. I’m so over women tearing down mums who go to work and hire nannys it gets right up my nerves!!

Even if you put the baby in nursery at 3 months old and go back full time it will be VERY hard work. Getting baby and yourself ready for nursery/work can be REALLY hard. Baby wants feeding, won’t be put down while you’re trying to get dressed, then poos just as you get them changed, then needs feeding again, then sick and needs changing again, then falls asleep and you feel awful waking them up to put in car, then throws up in car seat, etc etc.

Then you have nursery phoning when they are unwell and you have to take time off work.

You’ve got to pick them up after a full day work, feed them, sort them out, sort nursery bag, sort your own stuff, bath them, change them, etc. All on possibly very broken sleep.

Even if you are lucky and get a good sleeper, you still have nights when they are unwell/teething and up all night and if you’ve got an important work day the following day it can be so stressful.

You sound like you love your career and don’t want a baby - which is fine.

Have a read up on early bonding and attachments in babies.

I had a full time career over 60+ hours a week I had absolutely no plans for a baby then all of a sudden I was pregnant! The pill had worked for 7 years but this must have been super sperm😂 HOWEVER I never ever once thought hang on my lifes amazing now and I have a career I knew I wanted the baby there and then so did my partner after the shock!
I worked up until a week before due date and had to go back when baby was 4 months as we needed to save deposit for mortgage , my mum luckily had Baby full time cut to 44 hours a week she is AMAZING ! 1) couldnt afford child care 2) didnt want strangers bringing my baby up ( personal opinion)
We did this for a year then I went part time I WAS EXHAUSTED Leaving at 4am home at 7pm and up doing feeds during the night! Partner did too!

Then I was made redundant (no payout as was temp for 11 years permament for 1 so got pennies) Now after buying our house I am a SAHM and it is STILL EXHAUSTING . I had to put my life on hold but its well worth it and I have an amazing supportive mum and dad my dad was looking after my horses so I didnt have to sell them after having them 18 years they are a big part of my life... ONLY NOW after 3 years am I able to find the time properly without rushing to go down there for a few hours while he is at nursery .

If I knew I had to give those things up and not have support I wouldnt have had a child
I am extremely lucky for our support .
Its up to you how you make it work I found the baby part easy compared to a toddler!

You may change when you see the amazing little person for the first time x

Good luck only YOU will know gd luck xx

Babies are noisy, they scream a lot. They don't sleep, they throw up all over the place, they're messy and throw their food all over the carpet and furniture, they have tantrums and throw themselves on the floor and kick. They get ill. The nanny or childminder lets you down...

That's only the baby stage!

'Babies are noisy, they scream a lot. They don't sleep, they throw up all over the place, they're messy and throw their food all over the carpet and furniture, they have tantrums and throw themselves on the floor and kick. They get ill. The nanny or childminder lets you down... 

That's only the baby stage!'

I'm your experience

That certainly wasn't mine

'In' your experience

No you really shouldn't have one.

I'm all for working parents, I am one (albeit part time by choice), but more than anything I am all for a loved child who knows they are wanted and supported and listened to through the many stages of childhood in an increasingly challenging world. That really doesn't sound like that is something you can offer.

I have met people who resented and hated parenthood despite largely outsourcing it - you still have to be a parent 24/7 regardless, you are still a parent when you are working and you will still have to go home and be a parent every evening, weekend and holiday.

I grew up with a Mum whose attitude was very similar to yours and I can wholeheartedly say from the viewpoint of being her child that she really should have stayed child free.

You're pretty clear you don't want a child. That's fine.
It sounds like you are "flattered" by your DH's comments of wanting one with you.
I would feel sorry for a baby brought into the world if neither parent is prepared to step up and take responsibility.

If he really wants one, then at some point he will either mke the commitment to be a full time Dad or you will split up and he will have one with someone else.

Don't compromise if you don't want a baby. Once its here, there's no going back

When you have a small baby you outsource it’s daily childcare. One of you drops the baby off and you go off to work. Then at the end of the day one of you picks them up. And you pay the huge bill. grin it doesn’t need to affect what happens during your working day at all.

How depressing. We’re talking about a hypothetical but “real” human person, not a bloody goldfish.

You cannot “outsource” mothering. Yes you can pay someone to physically look after a baby, feed them, change their nappy etc etc... but ffs the word “outsource” is just so bloody cold hearted.

You can’t pay someone to love your baby, to bond with them, breastfeed then, gaze lovingly into each other’s faces and let the oxytocin flow from you into your baby via your milk to help you baby’s brain to grow.

Having a baby should be about what’s best for the baby not what’s most convenient for the parents

I don't think you want a child as you are (sensibly) trying to think it through, it reads like you're trying to minimise the impact of a child on a life you like! Keep the life you like if you want. That's OK.

Your DH wants a child but wants you to be the one who looks after it. What a liberty. He could always go part time or be a stay at home dad if he wants a child.

I don't think you are really querying baby stage, it's also about totally changing priorities and lifestyle.

Please don't have a child. You don't want one - that's obvious. A child is not like a dog you can dump at a rescue centre when you tire of it. Please don't have a child.

Nurseries round here wouldn't take them at 3 months. They haven't even had their vaccinations at that age.

I’m not a fan of babies. I tolerated my own. I found being at home with a small baby very dull and utterly relentless. I went back to work full time at 3 months and DH took a month off then DS went to nursery at 4 months. From about a year onwards I love kids and adore every minute I get to spend with now 2.5 year old DS, whereas some of my friends are hating the toddler stage with a passion. I’m currently pregnant with my second and will be doing similar his time. DS is a very well adjusted, bright, loving boy who forms secure attachments.

Being at home with a baby isn’t for everyone and so long as someone is giving them love and attention then all good. I’m a far better mother for being at work.

I had a baby to have a child, not because I like babies. Look at the bigger picture OP.

DS is nearly 4 and gets more fun every day. The baby and toddler stages sucked for me.

I remember one meeting with a midwife when I was pregnant with my second, when I told her I didn't really like babies. "Why are you having one then?" she said "Because they don't stay as babies thank god".

I have two kids. I went back to work at 12 weeks with both, and used a nursery (I believe that makes me evil in the eyes of mn). Compared to the things that some people go through, it was a walk in the park (would have been nicer if DS2 had slept through before 4 but he's healthy and I believe you shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth).

My point is that they don't stay as babies. You can have kids and a career. And only you can make the decision.

Honestly it does not sound like you want a baby! I think it would be cruel to bring a baby into the world when you don't even think you want it before it's conceived. And little babies need their mothers (or at least a father) at home with them for as long as possible.
If your husband really wants a baby he should be the one to take maternity and look after it.
But it does not sound like either of you would be suited to having a child. It's really hard work and not for everyone and there's nothing wrong with that x

Not this is bollocks Why do you think most people feel like that about their babies? Because they form an attachment bond with them. That's we why love our own kids more than other people's. The attachment relationship only forms if the parent and baby spend time together! The OP's idea is a recipe for disrupted attachments on both sides
There’s no reason a working parent can’t be bonded to the baby! And bonding doesn’t make you enjoy the baby stage either, necessarily.
I felt like you OP, not a baby fan. But people on here are saying if you don’t want a child it’s no good. I wanted a child but unfortunately you have to have a baby first. When I had my DD maternity leave was much shorter. I went back to work as a teacher full time when she was 7 months - it would have been 6 but it ran into the summer holiday. We are very close. She’s 22 now. We have all,ways had a very close relationship. If you want a child but dont fancy a baby or toddler, go for it, thats a relatively short period of time. You need to examine whether you want a primary aged spchild, a teenager, a young adult.

No you should not have a child. Posters saying everything will be great and you will feel different when you have one must live in a different world to me.

Not all mothers are good mothers. Not all mothers enjoy being a mother. There are plenty who regret having a child.

You can't decide that you don't like being a mum and give the child away can you?

I did take the full 12 months’ leave but honestly, it was torture and I didn’t enjoy it. DS went to nursery from the day after his first birthday, and he’s confident and very securely attached. He’s definitely worth the first year of awfulness you don’t have to love the baby stage to be a good mum.

@Absofrigginlootly yep I do all that too. It’s not rocket science.

Op imagine if your child read this thread in 20 years time. How would they feel? Loved and wanted?

Sometimes I just have to step back and wonder. If you had come on here and put the same post but swapped puppy for baby, everyone would be saying no, don't get one it's cruel. You don't like puppies and your husband wants one but doesn't want to look after it. People would be outraged, and say you shouldn't even be considering it. But no, it's a baby so fine.