To have a child when I have zero interest in caring for a baby?

[Undecided84]

I am a long time lurker trying to get an insight into what my life might be like if I do jump off the fence and have a kid.

I am 34, married to DH 40 (we have been together for over a decade, but we got married more recently and just bought our own house). Until recently I was firmly childfree. However, I am now more of a fence sitter.

DH really wants at least one kid. I always made it clear to him that I couldn’t guarantee that I would change my mind so that if it was a be all and end all thing for him, then he should find someone else. He has always replied to this by saying that he’d rather not have them at all than have them with anyone but me. In some ways, this is a nice thing to say, but it puts a huge amount of pressure on me as I feel like I hold the whole responsibility for whether he becomes a father.

More recently, I have come to realise that it’s not the idea of parenthood in general that puts me off, but the idea of taking maternity leave, breastfeeding and being stuck at home caring for a baby or toddler. I have a very interesting and demanding job, which I do not want to step back from in any way, as does DH, so neither of us would be willing or want to go part-time if we had a child. However, we do both have a certain amount of flexibility and both work from home a couple of days a week.

I have been thinking that if I could take the minimum amount of maternity leave necessary, put the child in a nursery full time once he/she is 3 months old, and then go back to work full time, then, just maybe, I could probably cope with having just one child and I wouldn’t resent and hate parenthood.

However, is this all just a sign that I shouldn’t be contemplating having a child at all, even if my DH really wants one? I am interested to hear from other people who simply endured the baby stage, and went into parenthood knowing from the outset that they were not even remotely interested in babies and toddlers?

I don't think your reasoning will work. You don't know how pregnancy will affect you. Not everyone has a plain sailing pregnancy. Then you dont know what kind of kid you will get. Will it sleep and slot in, maybe not. What if you have one that has additional needs? Then they grow up and develop their personalities, need moulding into functioning adults. The baby bit is the easiest.

It's a committment you can't send back if it doesn't suit.

Or you could take to it like a duck to water. You just don't know.

If you aren't really interested then don't.

I'm of the opinion that the only people who should have children are the ones who really, REALLY want to.

Hence why I don't, because in all honesty, I couldn't be arsed, and I think that's okay.

There are other ways to live your life.

Some babies are easier than others. If I wanted a shower I just put dd in the bouncer and had one. It wasn't that bad really. Until she started moving!

Thank thing is you may find you don't want to go back after three months, but resent the fact you don't. It does affect your career as they are often ill and you can't do impromptu extra hours if you have to rush back for nursery. I think if your dh wants a baby he has to be prepared to step up as main carer.

Don't have a baby...they need bucket loads of love and attention. I don't mean to sound horrible, but why have one just to off load it asap?

To have a baby then put them in full time nursery from 3 months would be selfish and shit for the baby and for you. Babies need to form attachments to their primary career/s. They can't do that if they aren't being cared for by them from such a young age.

“Nobody is remotely interested in 'babies' as a general concept

I know not everyone is interested in babies apart from their own, but I love babies, smitten by them.

Having a child is not the enriching rainbow drenched episode for everyone

Especially when they have special needs. You never know what you are going to get.

You could end up with a special needs child and still be providing basic care in 30 years

Sorry this sounds negative but it happens.

Is this real ?

There is no way you should be considering having a child based on your post . I'd strongly advise you against it from what you've said .

A baby / toddler isn't easy but neither is having a child for the next life time and there's no guarantee that you'll enjoy parenthood at all - what an awful life for a child / adult .

What a crock of actual shit saying 'once you get past the baby / toddler stage , you love them an enjoy them etc ' . I honestly don't understand how some people casually put out these statements on MN sometimes.

Oh and it's fine not to want or have a baby...it's a far better option than having one and not being interested in it.

Don't do it.

World is populated enough and if your DH really was interested in having kids he'd be willing to step up and take on more care.

Parenting is fucking hard even when you really want kids.

and then you watch their peers, leave home and go to Uni, become independant and the parents go off on luxury cruises - and you have not had so much as a night away since 1985

Tbh I worked for a women who went back to work after 3 months and it worked fine

Did you know that baby throughout its whole childhood and into adulthood? Because if not you cannot possibly say that it worked fine. You don't know.

I wouldn't be putting a 3 month old in full time nursery. Can you and OH split the leave and both take 3 months each meaning they will be 6 months LD by the time your both back at work? You can share a whole year of leave. It's okay to not like the baby stage but I'd be very if my OH was the keen one to have a baby but wasn't actually up for stepping back from a career and putting the work in with one. I

Your baby will be a very different matter and I can guarantee that they will be the most perfect and enchanting creature ever to exist.

You really can't say that. The OP could get PND and want nothing to do with their baby. Or she may develop PNP and feel compelled to kill it.

How do you feel about children / a child? I wasn’t interested in babies but do like children so was happy to do the baby bit. And in fact I enjoyed it much more than I thought I would.
I couldn’t have worked before 6months though as the not sleeping bit was a killer. 6mo mat leave then 6mo very part time suited me fine. I got out a lot with ds before he could walk - I ran with him in the buggy, cycled with a seat, did woodland walks with him on my back.

If you're not interested in a child why even have one?

Nobody is remotely interested in 'babies' as a general concept

I bloody love babies. If I didn't have my own family I'd be a maternity nurse.

Anyway, OP, you really shouldn't have children if you don't think you'll enjoy being around them.

Op I was very like you

Left it later than you though and DP ten years older than me

I'm not particularly maternal, never ever been 'broody' Don't even know how that would feel.

I have a nice life interesting career

I decided on an ELCS felt like a natural choice to me.

Adore Dc they are amazing. Other people's dc and babies I find completely dull. I prefer adult company could never be a complete SAHM.

But it's ok. I enjoy being a mum even though I was terrified I'd hate it.

Dp older and hands on completely

Don't worry about any earth mother scripts to follow

If you decide to try and have a dc you may surprise yourself.

I did

I don’t think full time child care (unless a nanny) at 3months is in anyway a good idea. Can your DH not take a year off to care for the baby? If he doesn’t want to then he has made his choice.

Your baby will be a very different matter and I can guarantee that they will be the most perfect and enchanting creature ever to exist

Stupid thing to say. Why do you think most people feel like that about their babies? Because they form an attachment bond with them. That's we why love our own kids more than other people's. The attachment relationship only forms if the parent and baby spend time together! The OP's idea is a recipe for disrupted attachments on both sides.

I strangely always knew I'd like children but have never been the maternal type and like you enjoy my job and life before baby. I knew if i didnt have kids id be okay with that and be happy. Anyway now i have a child i love it. I went back to working full time, i formula fed so got out and about a lot fairly quickly, and we are of the opinion that baby fits in with us not the other way around! I never thought I'd enjoy caring for a baby in terms of the mundane tasks and at times it was hard, but i can say that i unexpectedly found it the most rewarding experience of my life and when you hold your own baby in your arms the feeling is the best ever! When you do the mundane nappy changes it's fun as you have a giggling bundle of joy gazing adoringly into your eyes. I know it sounds like a cliche but if you have a baby you will probably find yourself wanting to spend more than just 3 months with it...it takes that long just to get used to things and the early days go by in a blur! Doesn't mean you can't go back to work whenever you are ready tho!

Your thread reads as though a baby is an object. Have it. Shove it in nursery full time at 3 months. You clearly don’t want a child so don’t.

A friend of a friend fell pregnant and decided not to abort. She isn’t a wilfully neglectful mother but the child has plenty of issues, which are becoming more and more apparent with age. She finds him boring. Always has. Doesn’t interact with him. Can’t be bothered to cook either so feeds junk. Shoves him in front of the tv or iPad. It is so bad he used to wee when alone in the living room to get her attention. Negative attention being better than none whatsoever. She also doesn’t allow him to have many toys as she doesn’t like mess.

It doesn’t sound as though you want to put any effort into child rearing. Much as many people have full time jobs, parenting is also a job in itself. If you have a child, your child may end up like this child I just described. The world is becoming ever more competitive and parents need to be ever more engaged.

Christ. .

If you both don't want to raise a child you shouldn't have one. Of your husband really wants a child then he can be the one who raises it.

I totally see where the op is coming from. BEFORE I had dc, I felt I wanted children but had no particular interest in babies and felt I'd be okay ultimately if it didn't work out. I could never have been prepared for the experience of becoming a mother to my two specific humans who I love more than anything - hands down it is the best thing I've ever done. It's not even comparable to anything else. Op's post read coldly only because, with all respect, she doesn't know what she's talking about! Before it happens, parenthood is a hypothetical concept where you can imagine the child as something that can be managed. It's just not like that - it's so huge and overwhelming and yes difficult. However, ime, it doesn't mean the end of an interesting career if you don't want it to. of course it doesn't!

A nanny is a good idea.

I think it's great you're trying to think it through op, far from suggesting you wouldn't care for the child it means you're already feeling a sense of responsibility overt the whole thing. it has no bearing on how you might feel about a real baby of your own.

I guess it's always a gamble though, even for people who always wanted children/love babies.

sorry that was probably no help at all