To have a child when I have zero interest in caring for a baby?

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I am a long time lurker trying to get an insight into what my life might be like if I do jump off the fence and have a kid.

I am 34, married to DH 40 (we have been together for over a decade, but we got married more recently and just bought our own house). Until recently I was firmly childfree. However, I am now more of a fence sitter.

DH really wants at least one kid. I always made it clear to him that I couldn’t guarantee that I would change my mind so that if it was a be all and end all thing for him, then he should find someone else. He has always replied to this by saying that he’d rather not have them at all than have them with anyone but me. In some ways, this is a nice thing to say, but it puts a huge amount of pressure on me as I feel like I hold the whole responsibility for whether he becomes a father.

More recently, I have come to realise that it’s not the idea of parenthood in general that puts me off, but the idea of taking maternity leave, breastfeeding and being stuck at home caring for a baby or toddler. I have a very interesting and demanding job, which I do not want to step back from in any way, as does DH, so neither of us would be willing or want to go part-time if we had a child. However, we do both have a certain amount of flexibility and both work from home a couple of days a week.

I have been thinking that if I could take the minimum amount of maternity leave necessary, put the child in a nursery full time once he/she is 3 months old, and then go back to work full time, then, just maybe, I could probably cope with having just one child and I wouldn’t resent and hate parenthood.

However, is this all just a sign that I shouldn’t be contemplating having a child at all, even if my DH really wants one? I am interested to hear from other people who simply endured the baby stage, and went into parenthood knowing from the outset that they were not even remotely interested in babies and toddlers?

It doesn’t sound like you want a child, and you’d only be doing it so your DH could be a father. Well, he has made a choice: a choice to be with a woman who doesn’t have a great deal of interest in babies and small children. It’s okay not to be a parent, but it’s not okay to be a half hearted one. And sorry to bring this up, but what if you did have a child, and your relationship broke up, and you were left holding a child you didn’t really want in the first place?

No, i don't think you should have one.

I see this situation going one of two ways. Either you have baby and end up changing your mind and loving motherhood and it enables you to reassess the situation or you have baby and try to unsuccessfully live your old life. No matter what you do a baby will change your life. If baby is sick you will need to take a day off work. If baby doesn't sleep well (my 17 month old still wakes loads) you will be working on inadequate amounts of sleep. You can't have a baby, shove it in nursery and continue as before. To be honest, the way your post reads is quite cold and I would probably rethink the reasons you are contemplating having a child. It is tough and not something to step into lightly. I went down to part-time after having my ds and I struggled to manage it all.

you probably shouldn't have a kid. I'm not 'interested' in babies (what the hell does that even mean? I'd hardly have chosen to spend time one to one with a baby before having my kids or to look after anyone else's child) and love my job. But I've got 3 kids, I love them dearly, wanted them and enjoyed my maternity leaves. It felt natural to choose to have children and it enhances my life. But it doesn't look like you genuinely want a child.

Are you insane? Do not under any circumstances have a child! You sound like it's the last thing on earth you want to do. A child is not an afterthought, what if its sickly or severely disabled and you have to give up your career? Please please I'm begging you don't do it. The child will always know it's not a priority and only second to your precious careers. Sorry but you deserve this-

Why would the OP have to be the one to give up work if the child is disabled?

There are two parents

This is quite a sad thread 😢

Heartbreaking. Unborn child’s mother wants to go back to work.

I think you’re fine to have a baby! Don’t worry about maternity leave now. Forget the baby, you might need more than 3 months to recover. 6 months isn’t very long in the big scheme of your career and there is never a good time career wise

I agree, it’s sad. I feel sorry for this little baby that doesn’t even exist !

I have a very interesting and demanding job, which I do not want to step back from in any way

It's impossible to have children and continue exactly as before. It sounds like you're happy with your life the way it is and would resent a child for changing your life for the worse (in your opinion). From what you've written, it sounds like children would be a mistake in your case.

Hard as the newborn toddler phase is, it isnt like a hurdle, followed by plain sailing.

Parenting is a lifelong commitment. You have to go into it prepared to face the hardwork and emotions and stress and unknowns that come. And thats with a bog standard pregnancy/birth/100% healthy child/multiples.

It wasnt that long ago that 12week maternity leave was the norm. So returning to work part or full time at that stage isnt unheard of. But it will be bloody hard! Multiple night wakings. Teething. Sleep regressions. And then ft work.

How is it heartbreaking? I’m already partially dreading my second maternity leave. It’s like this time where life stops and some people are eager to get back to life as a working family.

Don’t have a child OP- it is not for you

I think you will be fine but only if you do actually want a child and not just to please your husband.

I went to back to work full time when my baby was 5 months old and he went into full time nursery. He's now 3 and it's the best decision I made for my family. I'm currently on maternity with my second and plan to do exactly the same.

You have to do what's best for you and your family. For some that means staying at home and for others that's going back to work

If DH is the one who really really wants to be a dad, why can't DH take the leave? Or at least share it more equitably with you.

You can have children if you already know that the baby and/or toddler stage won't be your favourite. Plenty of us go into that phase thinking "well it's going to be dull and hard and frustrating for a while, but it's worth it to me." But I don't think you should do this if you already know you'll resent and hate the whole thing. Even if you have a child in nursery from 3 months old, even if your DH ends up taking shared parental leave while you go back to work, it's still going to be dull and hard and frustrating a lot of the time.

Nobody thinks it's heartbreaking because the op wants to go back to work. It's heartbreaking because the only way that the op can imagine having a child is if it's viewed as a three month project.

When you have a small baby you outsource it’s daily childcare. One of you drops the baby off and you go off to work. Then at the end of the day one of you picks them up. And you pay the huge bill. it doesn’t need to affect what happens during your working day at all.

Yes illness happens but her husband can share that and it’s not usually frequent

I'd no interest in babies until I had my own. And even then, I took a while to bond. I had kids because I thought I should and it waz the next step, not because I really wanted one. I love my daughter very much mow and have abother in the way.

now another

I would recommend a nanny if you decided to do it. Tbh I worked for a women who went back to work after 3 months and it worked fine. But then she had me a very experienced nanny to be there for the baby.

I think if you both work full time from when the baby is 12 weeks old, it will be really sad and rather cruel. If it were necessity, perhaps, but if you bonded with your baby your preferred plan wouldn’t be to leave him/her to full time childcare at 3 months. And if you don’t bond with your baby and plan to minimise the chances of doing so by leaving it 10-12 hours daily at 3 months, that doesn’t seem at all fair on any child. He/she deserves far more!

I have a very interesting and demanding job, which I do not want to step back from in any way, as does DH, so neither of us would be willing or want to go part-time if we had a child.

So basically he wants a kid, but isn’t prepared to make any sacrifices or put their needs first?

You’re honest about not wanting a child, I can respect your reasoning (fwiw) and understand it.

Your DHs not so much, he clearly doesn’t understand what being a parent is.

I wouldn’t in your situation. They are so much hard work and you need to be 100% sure and committed. Your relationship with your DH will probably change. Your life will probably change more than DH.