To have a child when I have zero interest in caring for a baby?

[Undecided84]

I am a long time lurker trying to get an insight into what my life might be like if I do jump off the fence and have a kid.

I am 34, married to DH 40 (we have been together for over a decade, but we got married more recently and just bought our own house). Until recently I was firmly childfree. However, I am now more of a fence sitter.

DH really wants at least one kid. I always made it clear to him that I couldn’t guarantee that I would change my mind so that if it was a be all and end all thing for him, then he should find someone else. He has always replied to this by saying that he’d rather not have them at all than have them with anyone but me. In some ways, this is a nice thing to say, but it puts a huge amount of pressure on me as I feel like I hold the whole responsibility for whether he becomes a father.

More recently, I have come to realise that it’s not the idea of parenthood in general that puts me off, but the idea of taking maternity leave, breastfeeding and being stuck at home caring for a baby or toddler. I have a very interesting and demanding job, which I do not want to step back from in any way, as does DH, so neither of us would be willing or want to go part-time if we had a child. However, we do both have a certain amount of flexibility and both work from home a couple of days a week.

I have been thinking that if I could take the minimum amount of maternity leave necessary, put the child in a nursery full time once he/she is 3 months old, and then go back to work full time, then, just maybe, I could probably cope with having just one child and I wouldn’t resent and hate parenthood.

However, is this all just a sign that I shouldn’t be contemplating having a child at all, even if my DH really wants one? I am interested to hear from other people who simply endured the baby stage, and went into parenthood knowing from the outset that they were not even remotely interested in babies and toddlers?

[alfiesmam]

If you don’t want one , don’t have one .

You can have a fantastic fulfilling life without kids
Would you try a puppy first see how that goes

[HermioneWeasley]

If your DH isn’t willing, or it doesn’t make financial sense for him to be primary carer, I wouldn’t do it.

[Haireverywhere]

God some people are missing the point. This is so obviously not just about how to advise op on logistics during the early months. She's struggling with ambivalence on being a mother.

[kilburnfrenchie]

A- if you actually have one you will probably feel a bit different. Hormones do that to most of us.

B) Frankly I think a lot of it comes down to cash. If you can afford help (nanny/ occasional night nurse/ babysitter/ cleaner) then having one child is more constraining than not having one, but doesn’t actually have to stop you from having a fulfilling interesting demanding career. (From what you say you need a nanny not nursery- means no drop offs, some light housework/ cooking gets done, and then baby is sick then you don’t have to let it home from work in a panic).

One kid is very different from 2 or more in terms of impact on overall life.

For me- I always really wanted a family - but always wanted to work as well. It’s not the case that kids means automatically stepping back from work- if as above you can afford good help, and spend good time with them at weekends/ evening etc. I went back to work at 6 months with my first, 4.5 months with my second having begged boss to have me back. would be a terrible SAHM.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Beesandfrogsandfleas]

I don't think it's odd to be unsure. At 34 a lot of promenade are just starting to decide. I didn't want one at 34, by 36 I was pg and I've had two. My career was negatively impacted (and I work part time now, though I could be full time I don't want to anymore) but I had no idea how much love they would bring into my life. Laughter too, they are hilarious and so much fun to be with. Tiring and stressful too of course.
I think if you posted that you had not wanted to be at home for 9 months or that your dh was going to share leave with you you'd get a more positive response. A nursery at 3 months is totally unsuitable in most people's opinion.

[anyideasonthis]

The trouble is you are assuming everything will be perfect. Pregnancy will be a breeze, child will be healthy and with a compliant personality and no additional needs. Nanny will be found and will stay long term and she will fit in perfectly with your family. You won't suffer PND, or even just really struggle with the tiredness and the way a baby wears you down.

It won't be like that! It all takes so much commitment and effort and hard work. I know it's impossible to understand before you have a baby. But there's enough of us saying it to know it's true.

You are also assuming you will feel the same once the baby is born. It is very likely you will fall head over heels in love and the thought of having to leave your child with a stranger, or a slightly incapable grandparent, will make you physically sick with worry.

[Beesandfrogsandfleas]

Nurseries were I live don't take babies till 6 months, ime.

[Creatureofthenight]

It doesn’t sound like you really want a child, and that’s perfectly ok. Please don’t have one just to appease your husband.

[DragonGoby]

You say it doesn’t make financial sense for your DH to be the one taking time off, but he doesn’t have to take loads of time off. Say you took three months off and he took another three, then the baby will be in childcare from six months which would be better IMO than three months. He/she is likely to be sleeping better by then, and sleep deprivation is one of the main problems of working full time with a baby, rather than the logistics of drop offs etc.

It sounds like you both have well paid jobs so I’d be surprised if you can’t afford it? It may not make as much sense financially as you taking six months off, but it sounds like it will fit your situation better.

[Undecided84]

Howmanysleepstilchristmas I am not hater of children at any stage.

Friends of mine who are a decade or so older than me have a teenage son whose company I really enjoy, and spending time with him has made me think that I would actually enjoy being a parent to a child of that age.

However, very young children tend to stress me out. I do not know if it is because I dislike being around children that age, or because I have very little experience of looking after young children. I think it's the unpredictability of small children's behaviour that freaks me out the most.

For example, when my oldest friend (who is the same age as me) came to stay with me for a weekend last year, she asked me to watch her 2 year old, who was eating a snack on a bench in the front of a supermarket, while she (with her 6 month in a sling) went back into the shop to buy something she had forgotten. I said yes, but it was the longest 10 minutes of my life, as I didn't know what an earth I was supposed to do if her kid started acting up or tried to run away, etc.

[Seafoodeatit]

Your DH does not really want children if he doesn't want to do any of the things that come with having them, he might like the idea of having kids but it doesn't sound like he'd be happy with the reality. I'm another that says don't do it, especially to please somebody else, children are a big lifelong commitment.

[AnotherPidgey]

Babies and children need time and emotional security. That doesn't have to be exclusively from a mother, or parents, but they are critical roles and the ones that society has expectations around. An absence of extended family support is restrictive.

We found working through the nursery years to be easiest. School life is harder with wrap around care. It's easy to be left in the lurch by INSET, strikes etc, then there's the guilt of (not) going to school events, weekends of birthday parties for random children, sitting with their random parents.

Every stage of parenthood brings its own joys, concerns and frustrations.

A nanny sounds like the most practical way to manage parenthood. Quality of time and love matters more than merely existing in the same space.

It is very different talking about hypothetical beings compared to real, complex people that you have a bond with (and that doesn't mean smaltzy instagram moments)

Equally, remaining child free is a perfectly valid choice and quite a brave one in a society that assumes that women are maternal.

[sar302]

As soon as I was pregnant I realised how apathetic about having a child I really was. I love my son, but im not sure how much I really like being a mum. It's getting better every month - he's now nearly a year old - But we won't be having a second.

We had always agreed to have at least one - my husband was desperate to be a dad, and this was a shared life goal. Until it happened.

I would say I enjoy motherhood enough to survive it, because having a baby has made my husband so happy. It was also worth having a baby, to be married to him - he's the best person I know. And I think it will hopefully continue to get more fun.

Typing this, I know this doesn't sound great. I love my son wholeheartedly - he nearly died at 6 months and that would have broken me, so I do know I love him, and that's enough. But I would never tell anyone in real life, that it is just enough. And that's all.

Choose carefully.

[RLOU30]

I would just say think of having a more demanding baby before making your mind up. Think about having a baby that’s got colic or reflux or one that hates being put down period. My baby boy arrived 4 weeks early with all of the above and honestly, as a lawyer before in a demanding role this is hands down the hardest thing I have ever done. He still wakes 6 times a night 4 months in. I was planning on an early return to work but it’s not possible my baby needs me and I am exhausted. I’ve also broken my foot now but that’s another matter 🙄 anyway it’s really hard. Good luck with what you decide x

[littledinaco]

He, on the other hand, works from home for more days than I do and he isn't required or expected to work regular office hours (this often means he will work at weekends etc, but it does mean that he is in a better position to fit his work in around a child.) Do you mean he wants to look after the baby a couple of days during the week and then work weekends instead of full time nursery?

If we did have a kid, then he fully expects to be the one responsible for drop offs etc But this doesn’t sound like someone who wants a baby.

Have you discussed who will not work if you have a baby with health problems or a disability that means putting them in nursery isn’t an option?

[costacoffeecup]

The looking after children thing is a red herring. I was actually a bit scared of children before I had one and would have freaked out massively if I'd been left with one! I also didn't know what to say to them. It's such s cliche but it's totally different when it's you're own (I can't explain why, it just is!)

[CVLB]

Having a child was never high on my priority list. I fell pregnant - unplanned and was very worried about how it would affect my career. I had the mentality that having a child wouldn't change my life and I went back to work part time when DS was 2 months old. When I look back now, I regret it massively. They're only little once but I do agree with Pp that baby months are hard! I was luck to have family support when I went back to work but it was still really tough. You should also be prepared that you might not want to go back to work once little one is here!!

[RomanyRoots]

It would be unfair to have children the way you feel.
They need committed parents, not those who neither want to step bck from a career.

[MarthasGinYard]

'You sound as though you would be a TERRIBLE mother.'

How ridiculous

[Janleverton]

Well I can remember babysitting dh s 10 month old when I was pregnant with dc1. It was hell. He woke up. He wouldn’t stop crying. I haven’t the. First. Clue what to do with him.

Managed fine with my own baby though!

I don’t really gush over other people’s babies. I find the 8 year olds much more 8nteredting, but even then, can take or leave them. My own children? Different story. I love them more than anything and their happiness comes first.

[costacoffeecup]

*your

[Haireverywhere]

Ambivalence is understandable OP.

But, nothing at all I've read makes me think you'd be a good mother. A functional one, stable, a provider, definitely... but not loving, attuned and warm to issues like attachment or even developing someone into their own person. You're either not ready or this isn't for you. It's not for everyone. There are threads on here written by women and men who regret having children and some of them now have adult children and still feel that way. They're very sad to read. Maybe search on google to see if any of it resonates?

Best of luck.

[DoYouLikeHueyLewisandTheNews]

@MarthasGinYard I completely agree with Martha's post and have exactly the same experience and view.

[campion]

It’s not just about the practical arrangements a child needs to feel unconditionally loved and wanted

If in doubt, just don’t

This.

Parenting's for life too, not just 18 years.