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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To change my baby's name... feeling guilt and sadness

286 replies

tiffysaccount · 12/10/2018 15:23

Hello mums

Well long story short we named our baby girl Abigail and registered her and I dislike the name or so I thought. I'd like some help processing these emotions and to try to figure out what's best for us.

I hate it when people call her Abi/Abby and it seems like that is what they constantly do. Plus I knew an Abi who was a complete bitch at school and I don't know why I didn't think of the association beforehand. Stupid. We've told people we are going to call her Abigail no nicknames and they don't seem to respect it. Feels like fingernails on a chalkboard whenever I hear Abigail or Abi. Just seems off to me.

I wanted to name her something else, I don't want to post for privacy purposes sorry but it's also a classic normal name.

I don't know why on earth I didn't name her that, DH loved the name and is now OK with me changing it to that, I have his full blessing.

She is 15 weeks now, if you would have asked me to change it 6 weeks ago i would have done the paperwork immediately but now I am not sure. This absolutely breaks my heart and I'm so confused.

I was going back in her baby book the other day and saw a hospital birth record with Abigail on it and her little feet stamped on it and I just burst into tears at the thought of changing it. I feel that if I changed the name I would be changing her. It's almost like, I hate the name but now it's hers and I can't take it from her. It's the strangest emotion, hating the name but almost loving it because it's hers.

Then I think back to the hospital and my husband filling out the birth certificate and holding her in his arms. The name means "father's joy" as well.

I'm so bloody confused about this whole thing that I'm in tears about it every day. I like the other name so much more and I don't know if I can see her being Abigail or Abi the rest of her life. I think about changing it but I get such a deep feeling of heartbreak and guilt over it and I feel that if I did change it these feelings would linger forever on.

How unreasonable am I being here. From this mess I've typed out, do you think I'm best off keeping the name or changing it? I can't tell if it's mum guilt talking or my emotions or what and it's exhausting.

OP posts:
AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 12/10/2018 15:25

How about Newname Abigail (and then any existing middle names)?

It does sound as if something else may be going on, for you to be suffering this much with it. Flowers

TimeIhadaNameChange · 12/10/2018 15:27

I was thinking of suggesting the opposite to the above and going for Abigail NewName, known as NewName. That way all the official records from the hospital would still be hers, but the you could use the name your happier with as her every day name.

Chocolatedeficitdisorder · 12/10/2018 15:27

Could you call her Gail? or think up another nickname that you like?

isitthehormones · 12/10/2018 15:29

Does she have a middle name you could start using instead? I know a few people known by their middle name.

MrsCar · 12/10/2018 15:30

If you look on the baby names board, there was a thread a few days ago re the same thing, and I think the baby was a few months old.
The mum changed the baby's name.

FWIW, I think Abigail is a beautiful name, and I'd be very firm about it not being shortened (I've had to do that with both my own name and my kids) if that's your main reason for changing it. I absolutely hate the nickname of my son's name, bug it's never been an issue

KeepingTheWormsQuiet · 12/10/2018 15:30

She's going to have the name for a long time and it can be easily changed before she is a year old. I would change it. It's a long time for you to feel unhappy with a name and she won't remember she was ever called Abigail.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 12/10/2018 15:31

I'd keep it as you see to have started to be used to it, but really smack down on name shortening until she's old enough to decide for herself. That's what my family did with me. I'd mention to people that I was considering changing & why though- they may stop if you're so evidently fucked off.

Could you get this moved to baby names board as you may get more opinions & advice?

treezylover · 12/10/2018 15:31

Why don’t you just start calling her the name you love? Like a nickname?

CAAKE · 12/10/2018 15:32

I think it may be tiresome for a while, but if you love the name Abigail then just insist "no, sorry her name is Abigail" EVERY time someone says a shortened version.

I would never shorten someone's name unless I had heard them say it that way. I know a Jonathan who is never ever called "John" simply because he only ever uses "Jonathan".

Original poster
tiffysaccount · 12/10/2018 15:35

thanks ladies, oh this is so difficult and I'm literally tortured by it. I had gone off the name Abigail completely the first few weeks of her life and the nickname just completely did it in for me. It's just this absolute guilt that holds me back from changing it. We thought about her going by her middle name but it seems a bit of an administrative nightmare. We also thought about adding Abigail as her middle name and switching the first name to the one I originally thought of, but DH wants to keep the original middle name and it all sounds a bit clunky. Never imagined myself ever being in this situation.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 12/10/2018 15:36

Why did you name her that name in the first place? I think it might be a good thing to think about how you felt about it then.

Also surprised he filled out the birth certificate at the hospital. I didn’t know this was a thing.

lostelephant · 12/10/2018 15:37

Have you tried calling her by the name you would prefer her to be called? I’d suggest maybe doing this for a full week and see how you feel. If it makes you happier and feels ‘right’ then I would change it.

spinn · 12/10/2018 15:39

My ds3 is known by his middle name to everyone.

He is just 3 and already knows that some people call him Jack (first name) - mainly doctors and passport control but everyone else says his name as usual.
Heck even he plays around and changes his order around when he wants to. It really really isn't an admin nightmare.

HappenedForAReisling · 12/10/2018 15:40

Unfortunately she will always be Abi/Abby whether you insist on Abigail or not. It's just so much easier to say and people with shorten her name without thinking about it.

IAcceptCookies · 12/10/2018 15:40

If you're going to make the change make it sooner rather than later, then you'll stop agonising, get over it and enjoy the new name.
FWIW I have an Abigail. The name was a last minute compromise and I wasn't delighted with it at first. 21 years later she really couldn't be anything other than an Abi!

abigailsnan · 12/10/2018 15:41

My grand-daughter is an Abigail as you can see and she is now 16,she has always insisted when people shorten it to Abby that she was named Abigail and everyone has always respected her wishes,one person slipped up not too long ago at a school teachers interview and my daughter the said teacher in his place very quickly indeed.

Gemini69 · 12/10/2018 15:41

Change the name.. today Flowers

Enb76 · 12/10/2018 15:42

Can you give her another nickname? People seem determined to use nicknames, my daughter's nickname is the male version of her actual name (although I love her name and it's not exactly long so why people need to give her a nickname...)

I know an Abigail whose nickname is Bibi (Bee-bee) or Bibigail for long.

Otherwise, of course you can change her name. My cousin changed her daughter's name because she hadn't quite realised what her chosen name would sound like in the local accent. She's now New name, old name, surname.

Bluetrews25 · 12/10/2018 15:43

Are you depressed OP? That was my first concern, obviously I could be way off the mark (and hope I am Smile)
You must have liked the name at some point. Don't worry about associating it with someone you used to know, as soon the vast majority of your 'Abigail' associated memories will be of your daughter.
You can TRY to control the shortening, but what if your DD likes Abi? (Personally, I think it's lovely.) People will always shorten names however they want to , especially at school. It's a sign of affection. (And speed!)

SleepWarrior · 12/10/2018 15:44

Don't worry about a clunky middle name combo, loads of people have them. You are almost never referred to by your full name and middle name combination.

Write down all your options on a piece of paper so you can see them clearly in front of you. Write the pros and cons of each possibility next to them. Stick it on the fridge and spend a few days mulling it over together.

Take some solace in the fact that there is no wrong answer here. Abigail IS a nice name that she will grow to be perfectly happy with. So if you do nothing because you can't work out what the best thing would be, sticking with Abigail WILL be absolutely fine. And don't waste time feeling guilt, nothing at all to feel guilty about.

BlueBug45 · 12/10/2018 15:44

OP I have a niece named Abigail and she is and had always been lovely.

In regards to insisting on her having no nickname - it doesn't work once they go to school and/or the child is old enough to choose their name.

Topseyt · 12/10/2018 15:46

As someone who has always been known by her middle name, I have personally found it a pain in the arse and have had a lifetime of explaining it now. So my personal preference would be not to do that.

I actually love the name Abigail. I don't mind the shortening s of Abi, Abs or Gail either, though that is probably just personal taste.

I'm probably no help, but it is a gorgeous name and I would leave it.

Maybe add your other name choice as a second middle name?

BabyItsAWildWorld · 12/10/2018 15:46

Ahh, just change her name. It'll be OK.

Keep Abigail as one of her names and Abigail will just be part of her 'name story'. And on a daily basis you can use the name you love which will be her name.

alphajuliet123 · 12/10/2018 15:46

^^ yep, what lostelephant said. Use the new name for a few days and if it makes you happier just change it.

She WILL get called Abby by her friends as she gets older, no doubt about it, and if that's going to grate on you for the next few decades you'd be better doing something asap.

Beagle840 · 12/10/2018 15:47

I agree with pp who suggested adding the new name as a middle name by which she is known. You could try just being very firm with people who shorten it but it will happen her whole life and to an extent, it will end up out of your control.