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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To change my baby's name... feeling guilt and sadness

286 replies

tiffysaccount · 12/10/2018 15:23

Hello mums

Well long story short we named our baby girl Abigail and registered her and I dislike the name or so I thought. I'd like some help processing these emotions and to try to figure out what's best for us.

I hate it when people call her Abi/Abby and it seems like that is what they constantly do. Plus I knew an Abi who was a complete bitch at school and I don't know why I didn't think of the association beforehand. Stupid. We've told people we are going to call her Abigail no nicknames and they don't seem to respect it. Feels like fingernails on a chalkboard whenever I hear Abigail or Abi. Just seems off to me.

I wanted to name her something else, I don't want to post for privacy purposes sorry but it's also a classic normal name.

I don't know why on earth I didn't name her that, DH loved the name and is now OK with me changing it to that, I have his full blessing.

She is 15 weeks now, if you would have asked me to change it 6 weeks ago i would have done the paperwork immediately but now I am not sure. This absolutely breaks my heart and I'm so confused.

I was going back in her baby book the other day and saw a hospital birth record with Abigail on it and her little feet stamped on it and I just burst into tears at the thought of changing it. I feel that if I changed the name I would be changing her. It's almost like, I hate the name but now it's hers and I can't take it from her. It's the strangest emotion, hating the name but almost loving it because it's hers.

Then I think back to the hospital and my husband filling out the birth certificate and holding her in his arms. The name means "father's joy" as well.

I'm so bloody confused about this whole thing that I'm in tears about it every day. I like the other name so much more and I don't know if I can see her being Abigail or Abi the rest of her life. I think about changing it but I get such a deep feeling of heartbreak and guilt over it and I feel that if I did change it these feelings would linger forever on.

How unreasonable am I being here. From this mess I've typed out, do you think I'm best off keeping the name or changing it? I can't tell if it's mum guilt talking or my emotions or what and it's exhausting.

OP posts:
spacefighter · 12/10/2018 15:48

Why not give her the nickname Ally?

Tinty · 12/10/2018 15:49

Change her name, I met someone a couple of years ago with a 9 yr old Dd called Chloe, her Dmum told me she didn't like the name at all but her Ddad suggested it and every one was calling the baby Chloe so she just registered her as Chloe. She told me a slight acquaintance this story 9 years later, she hated the name that much. By then it is to late to do anything about it. At the age your baby is you can change it and no one will think anything of it.

She will be Abby to all her friends at school because that is what her friends will call her. My dd has a friend think Isabella (not her actual name), her Dmum always calls her Isabella, her friends call her Bella, her Dmum was surprised when I invited Bella over (all I had ever heard my DD call her) and told me her name is Isabella, I try to remember and call her this in front of her mum. Smile.

overagain · 12/10/2018 15:50

Is there anything else you are sad or low about? I ask as name regret is a lesser known symptom of postnatal depression and your post just sounds so sad Flowers

PleaseLetMummySleep · 12/10/2018 15:54

If you do change her name, it'll attract attention for a short while but after 3 months no one will remember that she used to have a different name.

It doesn't really matter if you change her name, it won't cause anyone any suffering. I'd just change it but do it ASAP.

Honestly in a few weeks the change will be old news and you'll get used to calling her the new name quickly.

If you don't act soon you'll need to leave it tho as she will start to know her name very soon

BertrandRussell · 12/10/2018 15:54

I wonder whether you might be a bit depressed-what do you think? It's quite unusual to feel as strongly as this about names. But if you really can't bear Abi then you do need to change it. It will be impossible to stop- and very, very tedious to try. Just do it-as soon as possible. For information, I have been known all my life by a short version of my full name-it even has a different initial letter. It's never been a problem- my passport has my full name but I don't think anything else has. I have to put both names on forms sometimes, but nothing more complicated than that.

Neighneigh · 12/10/2018 15:55

I have two middle names and my first name isn't the name I'm known by (added to some topics still being in maiden surname, the postman finds it all highly amusing). So don't worry about using a middle name. I think it sounds like a weight off your shoulders to change it. She's so young yet it won't affect her but it will affect you, positively, I think.

Jeanclaudejackety · 12/10/2018 15:57

I know an abigail nicknamed GiGi it is so cute and she is a really sweet little girl and it suits her sooo much

BertrandRussell · 12/10/2018 15:57

"my daughter the said teacher in his place very quickly indeed."

I do hope you mean she reminded the teacher, rather than put her in her place.........

diddl · 12/10/2018 16:01

How would you feel if she wanted to be known as Abi when older?

I do think though that until a child decides, then parents wishes should be respected.

I agree with a pp that Gigi is cute.

GU24Mum · 12/10/2018 16:05

If you've given it some thought (which it sounds as though you have) and want to change, I'd do it - your baby will never know and that's far easier than her being called Abigail officially but everyone knowing her as Charlotte/whatever new name you choose.

There's nothing to feel guilty about.

OutPinked · 12/10/2018 16:05

When my DS was a baby I almost regretted his name choice and wanted to flip his first and middle name around. His first name is more traditional and classic whereas the middle name is a bit quirkier so to speak. Anyway I’m so, so glad I didn’t change it now. His name suits him well and goes with his sisters traditional names.

If you regret it so severely then change it. I understand with regards to people shortening names, it is annoying.

AhoyDelBoy · 12/10/2018 16:06

Her name could be anything and people will come along with stories of ‘oh my friends, husbands, cousins colleague is called that and it’s lurvelyyy’. How that matters I’m not really sure. The OP doesn’t like the name they have chosen no matter how many MNers proclaim they love it. Don’t despair OP, I’ve seen countless threads exactly like this and I’ve only been on MN a short while. Change your DDs name and jump off the guilt train! SmileFlowers

Ruperbear · 12/10/2018 16:13

In all honesty it sounds like you are not sure. I always go by the « if In doubt do nowt».
Maybe try calling her your new name for a bit and see what you Think. You must have loved the name as it is what you decided on. Don’t be put off by others and what they call her. If you stick to Abigail others will. ( most). My friend had a Thomas and only called him that and I do not recall one person ever shortening it to Tom.
I go by my middle name as it’s the only name I was ever called. I didn’t find out that I was called another name till 16 when I went to get my own passport and saw it in my birth certificate and I have to say it’s caused me lots of issues. Try not to worry. You are blessed with a lil girl whatever you decide to name her. X

JustDanceAddict · 12/10/2018 16:13

If you really don’t like it, change it now before she responds to her name. As others said I would maybe keep Abigail as the middle name.
When ds was born we named him the full version of his name which has a few derivatives. I was pissed of when people called him a particular derogate but he’s been known as that now since he decided he preferred that version, when he was about 3! He only gets his full name on official docs or when I’m annoyed w him.

dancinginthekitchen · 12/10/2018 16:13

I have an Abigail - we always refer to her and call her Abigail and never shorten it. All through her childhood and through primary she was known as Abigail. When she got to secondary school and they asked what she wanted to be known as she chose Abbie - it was very strange the first parents night we went to and they referred to Abbie - I thought they were talking about another girl. We, and the rest of the family, still always call her Abigail. I love it. If you don’t want a nickname I think you just have to be consistent from the start - if you always call her Abigail then others will follow suit.

MaiaRindell · 12/10/2018 16:19

I have regretted my daughter's name for 12 years. I fought my instinct to change it in 2006, but wish I had.

IsItCoffeeTimeYet · 12/10/2018 16:22

15 weeks is a TINY percentage of her overall life.
I think it's super cool to always have an answer to the horrible "what's an interesting fact about you" icebreaker question. "I was named Abigail for the first 15 weeks of life" - pretty unique!

Start by calling her the new name you are thinking of for a week or so before you actually change it, just to make sure you do actually like it better.
There's a reason you're easily allowed to change their name in the first year, it must be more common than you think.

Maltropp · 12/10/2018 16:23

Coming from the opposite side I gave one of my Dt's a very uncommon & foreign name (no connection to where its from I just loved the name). I had doubts at first but stuck to my guns, my parents loathed it DM even said she found it hard to love him as his name was so odd. He's now 11,he loves his name, my DM loves it too and I can't imagine him being anything else. He has a similar very ordinary middle name if he ever decides he hates. I would say go with the name you love.

Cuddlykitten123 · 12/10/2018 16:26

People will always change it, I have a relative whose name can be shortened and shortened again, I.e. Josephine to jossie to jo.
No matter how much she insists on the full name people always use the long abbreviation and then move onto the short one. She's given up correctiong them now.

fluffyblanket17 · 12/10/2018 16:29

It's not the same, but I named my son when he was born and changed it a few days later but we have lots of new baby cards with the first name we chose. he loves hearing the story and looking at the cards now. If you're not happy I'd definitely change it, you might regret it if you don't.

Chocolateandcarbs · 12/10/2018 16:32

I gave my daughter a name that we love, but it just didn’t suit her during the baby stage (it’s very long), so we have given her a little nickname, which doesn’t fit with her real name at all. We use it as a family, but I am very strict that it is a family name only. I’m starting to use her ‘real’ name a lot more now that she’s bigger. It works for us.

Petalflowers · 12/10/2018 16:33

Can you make a name out of initials? Ie. If her name is Abigail Jane sirname, call her AJ or if Abigail Posy, call her Apps’. No goodobviously if her middle name is Betty, because then she would still be A -Bi.

thegreylady · 12/10/2018 16:34

I have three names and have always been known by the third of them! It has never been a problem.

Zofloramummy · 12/10/2018 16:35

I know two children with names that are often shortened. They both prefer the longer version and politely correct people. My dd’s middle name is Abigail btw!

Abilouise · 12/10/2018 16:40

I started going off DD's name when I was heavily pregnant with her. By then, friends and family knew her name and spoke about her using her name. Me and DH also spoke about her using her name. Because of this I felt it was too much hassle to change it. We have a nickname for her (a cute baby one that she'll probably outgrow in a year or so), she responds to both her actual name and her nickname. She's 13 months old. It feels weird seeing her name written on letters etc and I don't like how her name looks (if that makes sense?). We don't have another name in mind and we don't plan on changing it but I wish we picked something else. Tbh I can't ever imagine her not being called X.

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