To change my baby's name... feeling guilt and sadness

[tiffysaccount]

Hello mums

Well long story short we named our baby girl Abigail and registered her and I dislike the name or so I thought. I'd like some help processing these emotions and to try to figure out what's best for us.

I hate it when people call her Abi/Abby and it seems like that is what they constantly do. Plus I knew an Abi who was a complete bitch at school and I don't know why I didn't think of the association beforehand. Stupid. We've told people we are going to call her Abigail no nicknames and they don't seem to respect it. Feels like fingernails on a chalkboard whenever I hear Abigail or Abi. Just seems off to me.

I wanted to name her something else, I don't want to post for privacy purposes sorry but it's also a classic normal name.

I don't know why on earth I didn't name her that, DH loved the name and is now OK with me changing it to that, I have his full blessing.

She is 15 weeks now, if you would have asked me to change it 6 weeks ago i would have done the paperwork immediately but now I am not sure. This absolutely breaks my heart and I'm so confused.

I was going back in her baby book the other day and saw a hospital birth record with Abigail on it and her little feet stamped on it and I just burst into tears at the thought of changing it. I feel that if I changed the name I would be changing her. It's almost like, I hate the name but now it's hers and I can't take it from her. It's the strangest emotion, hating the name but almost loving it because it's hers.

Then I think back to the hospital and my husband filling out the birth certificate and holding her in his arms. The name means "father's joy" as well.

I'm so bloody confused about this whole thing that I'm in tears about it every day. I like the other name so much more and I don't know if I can see her being Abigail or Abi the rest of her life. I think about changing it but I get such a deep feeling of heartbreak and guilt over it and I feel that if I did change it these feelings would linger forever on.

How unreasonable am I being here. From this mess I've typed out, do you think I'm best off keeping the name or changing it? I can't tell if it's mum guilt talking or my emotions or what and it's exhausting.

My friend changed her daughters name, at a similar time to the age that your baby is. It was a simple process and cost her about £10 I think. Five years later on she has no regrets. It was easy to do and people soon adapted to the new name.
Charlotte Abigail sounds lovely. Don’t let anyone put PND as a reason to feel so strongly about not wanting this name and then not change it.
Glad that you are getting some support.

Are you going to let the bully win over you for the rest of your daughter's life? Because that's what this amounts to.

Your daughter has as much right to the name as anyone else in the world - including the girl who bullied you.
You must have liked it enough, for various reasons, to choose it.

The way I see it is that if you change it now then it's just another way in which the bully has won.

My DD has a friend named Abigail. She’s always been known as Abigail, never Abi. She’s 8 now and will remain Abigail!

Don’t be too sure her name will be shortened.
My friend Elizabeth has always been Elizabeth, never Liz. She’s 45!

My ex and I chose a name for my firstborn daughter I called it her for several days in hospital and loved it,but one day he came in and said he didn’t like it any more and it was changed to what he wanted😡this was 22 years ago and even though she is now R she will always be N to me as well,we have half congratulations cards in one name and half in the other 😂

Again thanks a lot ladies.

I'm a bit put off by the comments saying it's just a mental health issue with all due respect, I really appreciate that. I truly think it's the name and some mental health struggles as well causing me to feel this way though.

so Abigail was a really last minute decision at the hospital and the name only came up a week before she was born. Charlotte was the name I loved since 20 weeks and I just couldn't seem to get it out of my head no matter how hard I tried. They came round with the birth certificate info at the hospital and I just wasn't ready to fill it out, I remember crying there because I was so overwhelmed and confused and just wanted more time but I got so fed up and angry about being pressured I just completely gave up and filled out Abigail because DH liked it. Why I didn't use Charlotte I have no idea, actually it was because someone else has a DD with that name. Now I'm thinking wow, who the bloody hell even cares about that, silly reason not to have used it!

I re-registered my daughter's birth with a new name around 6 months old. She got a whole new birth certificate. Not regretted it once.

She's now 7 and knows of her old name and isn't bothered in the slightest. People quickly got used to it, had a few jokes about it for a few months and by the time she was 1, everyone had forgotten she ever had a different name. She doesn't like her old name and goes by a shortened version of her new name.

I have a DD with a 3-syllable name. It always gets shortened, whether we liked it or not, and more noticeably once she started school.

I have access to a huge database of clients and am constantly amazed by the variations in their official names versus what they are called on a daily basis. Nicknames, middle names, surnames, made up names, all kinds of things. But ultimately we are all more than a name.

OP it may feel like this is a huge, huge decision. But in the context of a lifetime, it really isn't. Honestly.

一i tookmy partners choice of namme for my sonand i hate it but hes had it 8 years now and i have got used to it and its only a name afterall!

If your DH is on board with the change of name then you should go for it. I agree that Charlotte Abigail is a lovely name.

Just change it. I can totally imagine how overwhelmed and pressured you felt in that moment. I think it will be a weight off your shoulders.

OP I agree with the suggestion to try calling your DD by your chosen name, keep in up for a good while, telling friends and family and see how you feel.
With Abigail you don't like the shortened versions, what about Charlotte, are you more happy with Charley, Lottie etc because somehow however hard you try someone will use the short names.

I have 2 DD with traditional names with DD1 our PFB her name is short and I don't like the traditional nickname so I invented my own, she has never been called or answered to this traditional nickname or my made up one, but there is another one which is more masculine which has been widely used that I didn't even think of when she was a baby. I use that now! (she is 22)

The other DD had a traditional name similar to Charlotte on he birth certificate, but from day 1 we announced her name as the shortened version (Lottie) and everyone in school etc called her this. When she went to senior school she decided that she would revert to her long name to be more grown up, that lasted less than a week as she had many of the same friends. However when she went to university she enrolled and introduced herself as Charlotte and this is how she is now known. Although she answers to both or none!

What I am trying to say is we can start them off with a name, it may suit them as a baby it may be the most perfect name, but we can't control how the name develops and is used as they go through live.

Or you could try like my MIL who is the ONLY person who uses DH full name.

It's kind of like this, every time I hear Abi/Abby/Gail it sort of makes me immediately kind of pause and go "yikes", but if I heard Charlotte and a nickname like Charlie or Lottie I would immediately think "that's absolutely adorable!"

I think the guilt comes from not thinking about this in the hospital and allowing my husband to get attached to a name and the rest of my family as well then changing it out from under their feet, I just feel absolutely horrible that the situation happened. I'm extremely embarrassed and guilty that people sent cards and greetings in her old name and all that.

It's like my brain KNOWS it's no big deal but something inside me is saying "gawd you're an idiot for having done this, now you'll feel horrible if it's changed as well" such a shit situation really, but I need to make a decision.

I have never been in this situation but I can imagine myself feeling like this.

For some people names are just more important than they are to others! Tbh I dread the thought of my DP having a different naming style to me, or hating all of my favourites and having to come up with a compromise name! I know it’s not a life or death thing but it would bug the crap out of me!

Just because it’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things doesn’t mean it’s not important if you feel that it is. I like the idea of testing out Charlotte for a little while before committing to change it.

Oh do call her 'Bea' (suggested up thread).
'A-bi-gail'!
It's a lovely name, Comes from the original name but sounds totally different!

Tiffy, please just change her to Charlotte and then sit back and enjoy getting to know her.

If anyone asks say you couldn’t get used to her always being called the shortened version.

If it pleases you and makes it feel easier explaining the Abigail reference later on then include that as a middle name, you can have unlimited middle names, an extra won’t hurt.

I had awful indecision over my daughter’s name and at 6 weeks old we named her something different. All the thank you cards had been written, we just sent a message to say change of heart over name. It has never haunted us since.

What did however haunt me was dreadful postnatal depression for 7 years following her birth and my greatest regret is not sorting it sooner.

Drugs weren’t an option for me either so I went without. What I should have done is spoken to my health visitor or go sooner and got into a counselling programme and seek other alternative treatments.

Since then I have had cranial osteopathy, reflexology, cbt counselling and a diet without caffeine, alcohol and sugar to help regulate my moods with no major ups and downs.

Please click on this link and if you recognise yourself please seek further help. You are not a failure and you are not letting your little girl down. You are however losing out on precious happy moments all the while you cannot settle your mind.

Please take care from someone who has been there and can recognise what you are going through from a very long distance. X

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/postnatal-depression-and-perinatal-mental-health/

A Big Ail, how sad to be lumbered with that all her life. If you dislike it so much,change it ASAP

You like Charlotte, your DH likes Charlotte... nobody else in the situation gets to have an opinion (apart from your daughter, and her opinion on the matter is probably that she doesn't care, but would like a cuddle).

Nothing to feel guilty or embarrassed about... the option of changing a baby name in the first 12 months wouldn't exist if it wasn't something that's actually pretty regularly done!

I've been you! I had that obsession about my little girl. It lasted for ages. I had loads of big chats with my best friend and decided to live with it. Months later it was still absolutely bugging me. A throwaway remark my husband said made me suddenly realise that he just wasn't a fraction as serious as I was about all this. I vowed silently to change my baby's name. I even went to counselling about it! I eventually had a serious conversation with my husband when the baby was about 9 myths old and then set about changing it. We changed it when she was about 12mths old. Everyone thought I was totally nuts. My husband was wary but essentially supportive as he realised this had become such a big deal for me. It was the BEST decision. All the weird uneasiness fell away. I think the fact that 30 years later, my mother still warbles on about how she wanted another name for my brother, made me realise that these things sometimes don't go away.

Hi Op. I changed my dd’s name at 9 months. I just couldn’t get my head around the original name. Her new name was totally different. Some folks said that it was too late but we went for it an officially changed her name. She is 10 now and it was totally the right thing to do. I love love her name now and so glad we changed it,

This must be so tough for you. I fee you on the emotions thing and just dwelling and replaying all the time, I do it on a daily basis.

Re name, have you chatted to your family about this? They may have some perspective you haven’t thought of yet.

Please be kinder to yourself, you are not an idiot.
Time passes on and these big upsets / issues fade off into history. Feel comfort in the knowledge that you’ve made the decision and I bet in a years time you will all laugh about it, dd will find it amusing that she had a different name for a while and in the end no harm will be done.
Parenting is hard enough and there will be lots of potential mistakes and things to feel guilty about along the way!

I'm glad no-one came round to me in hospital wanting me to make any important decisions as I was a total wreck, especially with the first.

It's not your mental state making you feel bad about changing her name, but I would bet my right arm it is your mental state making you feel this bad about it. Obviously I don't know you and am just basing that idea on what a mess I was at that time though

Charlotte was the name I loved since 20 weeks and I just couldn't seem to get it out of my head no matter how hard I tried.
With both of ours, there was one particular name that we came upon quite quickly, and that was a definite "yes", while other potential names (for the other sex in our case) never felt quite right.

Go with your gut instinct and just say that to people - that the other name never felt right and this one just seems to fit better. I bet people understand straight away what you mean. Have you asked your family what they think?

I would change it. I can totally imagine how you are feeling and a lot of the things you describe, I have felt similar. Change to Charlotte abigail or vice versa, I don't think it would sound clunky even with other middle names. Or just ditch abigail completely. Get it all done and move on. You deserve to be happy and enjoy your baby and not let this hold you back.

Just change it to xyz, Abigail ‘surname’

You seem rather overwrought. Have you had a chat with your GP?

Oh and my daughter is an Elizabeth and I call her Lizzie. All her friends call her Ellie. It's like people do it on purpose :)