To change my baby's name... feeling guilt and sadness

[tiffysaccount]

Hello mums

Well long story short we named our baby girl Abigail and registered her and I dislike the name or so I thought. I'd like some help processing these emotions and to try to figure out what's best for us.

I hate it when people call her Abi/Abby and it seems like that is what they constantly do. Plus I knew an Abi who was a complete bitch at school and I don't know why I didn't think of the association beforehand. Stupid. We've told people we are going to call her Abigail no nicknames and they don't seem to respect it. Feels like fingernails on a chalkboard whenever I hear Abigail or Abi. Just seems off to me.

I wanted to name her something else, I don't want to post for privacy purposes sorry but it's also a classic normal name.

I don't know why on earth I didn't name her that, DH loved the name and is now OK with me changing it to that, I have his full blessing.

She is 15 weeks now, if you would have asked me to change it 6 weeks ago i would have done the paperwork immediately but now I am not sure. This absolutely breaks my heart and I'm so confused.

I was going back in her baby book the other day and saw a hospital birth record with Abigail on it and her little feet stamped on it and I just burst into tears at the thought of changing it. I feel that if I changed the name I would be changing her. It's almost like, I hate the name but now it's hers and I can't take it from her. It's the strangest emotion, hating the name but almost loving it because it's hers.

Then I think back to the hospital and my husband filling out the birth certificate and holding her in his arms. The name means "father's joy" as well.

I'm so bloody confused about this whole thing that I'm in tears about it every day. I like the other name so much more and I don't know if I can see her being Abigail or Abi the rest of her life. I think about changing it but I get such a deep feeling of heartbreak and guilt over it and I feel that if I did change it these feelings would linger forever on.

How unreasonable am I being here. From this mess I've typed out, do you think I'm best off keeping the name or changing it? I can't tell if it's mum guilt talking or my emotions or what and it's exhausting.

Googled it and no, it is really not necessary to do it by deed poll, within the first 12 months. You can change it on the birth certificate.

e.g.
www.ealing.gov.uk/info/201035/births/731/changing_a_childs_forename/1
"If you have given your child a new forename by regular use within 12 months of registration you need to complete a certificate of naming for a name given not in Baptism. The amended forename(s) will be entered in the birth register. ... The names which were given at the registration will still appear on the certificate, but the any new names will be entered at the bottom of the certificate in Space 17. These replace the original names for all official purposes."

thank you to all you lovely ladies who replied.

I've been assessed for PND actually... got on some medication but I still felt the same way about her name. I wasn't quite obsessing about it as much but I got off the meds because they were giving me other bad side effects.

Suppose it's no big deal to tell you what I wanted to name her and who bloody well cares it if comes up on Google I suppose, it's Charlotte. Always loved the name.

I've always had a bit of struggle with low self esteem and mental health, I think it is probably me feeling like a complete failure over this and the name situation combined.

thanks ladies.

If this is SSRIs you mean, the first couple of weeks you come on them or stop taking them then you feel a lot worse. Here, you're advised to watch out for yourself especially during that time. It's only after two or three weeks that you start to feel better, when you begin taking them. I've noticed from listening to Radio 4 that this is evidently not always mentioned by doctors in the UK! (Here you get it from a specialist, not your GP.) In any case, you shouldn't change medicine without speaking to a doctor.

(Charlotte is lovely by the way! I have a disliking of the letter G so may be biased, but ...)

Just change it and I love Charlotte and Abigail - just do Charltotte Abigail ....... having loads of middle names isn't a problem.

Please change it on Monday xx

I love Charlotte, much more than Abigail. However, how will you feel if she starts getting called Charlie or Lottie? Because you might be in the same boat again regarding hating the nickname.

Change it, my frind changed her baby's name after about 6 weeks as she said she didn't suit the original name. Noone thought anything of it and I can't even remember what the original name was now. Both Abigail and Charlotte are lovely names BTW.

And my sister's name was changed at just shy of a year old. No problems and she definitely prefers the new name.

again ladies want to say how much I appreciate all of the replies.

yeah, it's just that I don't like Abi/Abby/Gail for nicknames and I do know if I'm honest with myself it's going to be a losing battle trying to fight them.

I think Abigail is objectively a lovely name which makes me feel quite bad over it all. It just doesn't feel right in our personal situation.

Been thinking about this a lot, a few of you mentioned it's deeper than the name and you're exactly right. I do think the name is a problem, don't get me wrong. But I have very low self esteem and have the tendency to beat myself up over things and obsess about them. I often think of embarrassing or silly things I've done in the past and feel such shame over it - doubt anyone else even remembers but I do! So I think thats why I'm having such a struggle with the name. I've made a mistake and instead of just correcting it and having a laugh I've made it monumental.

Trying to get past this now. xx

I totally TOTALLY understand where you are coming from.
I let my children pick my youngest daughters name. It was the one name I didn't want. It was the one name that I skipped over in the baby name books as there was no element of it I clicked with.

I couldn't remember it for weeks after she was born, people would ask me her name and I couldn't remember it. I really really struggled with it and even posted here about it. I loved her so much and wanted her to have a beautiful name to face the world with.

I had spent my entire pregnancy not fully believing she would ever be here and I spent months pouring over names, and yet it was taken out of my hands.

Anyway, at her christening, the priest (who knew nothing about me not picking the name) made a beautiful speech about her belonging to the world and that her name was so special because it was given to her by the people who loved her. It was really nice!

Also, someone gave me a picture with her name and date of birth and it was so lovely, I started to slowly accept it.

I felt i couldn't change it then, because everyone else loved it and i undersood that she didn't belong only to me. I also didn't have another alternative name that I was willing to cause so much trouble to change it to.

I did come around. She is 2 now and it's definitely 'her' name.

It's Abigail!

If you are feeling bad towards the name Abigail, as if you might have offended the name by not liking it, then I can tell you from personal experience it is definitely a mental health thing :)

30 something Abigail here 💁‍♀️

It's a name, no more no less, I like the versatility to be referred to as Abi or Abigail but it was definitely my choice growing up. I like the meaning and just wish my own father had taken a bit more notice of it (or us kids!). My mother would quickly correct all who called me Abi as a child and I'm still known by Abigail to close family (although sometimes I feel like I've done something naughty when I'm called Abigail even now!)

If changing her name will make you feel better then by all means do it, but if you will still struggle with taking Abigail away from her then I think you probably have some other issues that need exploring.

FWIW I wouldn't change my name, I'm not saddled with a lifelong burden and am very happy with it 😊

Good luck OP

Deep down my heart says change it. Maybe it really is that simple. I just feel that it's not black and white and I'm struggling with a lot of emotions about it at the moment, but maybe once I change it and a few months on I will feel better.

Yeah. Just change it.

Just change it, she won't know any difference. It will just be a quirky story to roll out occasionally 'yeah, I used to be called Abigail' like my DH whose mum got his birthday wrong for 20 years until he had to dig out his birth certificate for something.

You could always use Abigail as a family nick name occasionally. My parents called me Verandah for no particular reason, it bears no resemblance to my name.

tiffysaccount why not go and see midwife or GP for the emotions ( am assuming they are bad ones not good) and set s date. On one week/ one month will change if o want to. Start using new name and see how you feel.

We are much more than our name. But there is much more to life than putting up with stuff that is easily changed.

Change it OP. It will drag you down otherwise. Agree with PP who say give her Charlotte as "middle" name but call her it - lots of people do that. Think of the relief once you make the decision. And dont let anyone make you feel bad for doing it.

@LuckyStars I loved that story and the reveal!

You sound so much like me, I do all the things you do and I so struggled with ds name. When looking at it from the outside though I can tell you it's not a failure, people may laugh or even roll their eyes but who cares, part of being her mum is doing what you think is right for her no matter what other people think. Of you think Charlotte is more 'her', change it.
I do think it's just early days and they are exhausting and emotional and you never feel you are getting it right to start with. Give it time and you will settle into a routine and see that as long as baby is happy and loved, no mistakes you make actually matter. I think I'm very similar to you as I totally get how you feel and I'm now 7 years in, with 2 more and it does get easier to laugh at yourself rather than beating yourself up xx

I would absolutely change it if you aren't happy, go for it. (As everybody is saying you could have Charlotte Abigail) x

Apparently it is a simple process, you are allowed to do it once in the first 12 months I believe.

Oh love I’m so sorry you’re so upset by this.

Whatever you do she’s loved and she’s still the same and I hope you get a solution that works for you.

When my DD was born I was insistent she would be her full name because I hated one of her nicknames not the other nickname just one.

Now, of course, she is the hated nickname all the time

Our son (now 15) went through three names before we settled on his present name. I came across his baby stuff from hospital the other day, with the first name on it, and it made me smile, as it seemed like such a big deal at the name (not helped by pressure from mother in law). DS ended up with two middle names and a double barrelled surname to keep everyone, including me, happy, and now we never think about it. He occasionally moans about long his name is, but I think he quite likes the story behind it. I think a child grows into their name, whatever it is.

I changed DS2 name when he was 10 weeks. Just could not feel right about his original name and realised that I loved his second name. It just suited him better.
There is no need to rush. We just called him by his new name for a month to be sure we were making the right decision then told other people. Some (especially MIL) were a bit weird about it but he is now 19 and nobody even remembers his original name. And he is absolutely100% his new name.
Make sure you change the birth certificate before she is 12 months. We didn’t know you could so it’s a bit of a pain.

This is sad. Its not about the name. As you say you feel confused about this. Its a mental health issue its not about the name. For now just leave the child's name alone. I had a similar mental health issue but me it was about business names. As soon as I register one business name I would feel discouraged the next day and want another business name. This mental problem is often described as a search for perfectness. So you are searching for the perfect name for Abigail. Unfortunately the perfect name doesn't exist. For now just attend to your problems. Let the child be. At least for now.