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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To change my baby's name... feeling guilt and sadness

286 replies

tiffysaccount · 12/10/2018 15:23

Hello mums

Well long story short we named our baby girl Abigail and registered her and I dislike the name or so I thought. I'd like some help processing these emotions and to try to figure out what's best for us.

I hate it when people call her Abi/Abby and it seems like that is what they constantly do. Plus I knew an Abi who was a complete bitch at school and I don't know why I didn't think of the association beforehand. Stupid. We've told people we are going to call her Abigail no nicknames and they don't seem to respect it. Feels like fingernails on a chalkboard whenever I hear Abigail or Abi. Just seems off to me.

I wanted to name her something else, I don't want to post for privacy purposes sorry but it's also a classic normal name.

I don't know why on earth I didn't name her that, DH loved the name and is now OK with me changing it to that, I have his full blessing.

She is 15 weeks now, if you would have asked me to change it 6 weeks ago i would have done the paperwork immediately but now I am not sure. This absolutely breaks my heart and I'm so confused.

I was going back in her baby book the other day and saw a hospital birth record with Abigail on it and her little feet stamped on it and I just burst into tears at the thought of changing it. I feel that if I changed the name I would be changing her. It's almost like, I hate the name but now it's hers and I can't take it from her. It's the strangest emotion, hating the name but almost loving it because it's hers.

Then I think back to the hospital and my husband filling out the birth certificate and holding her in his arms. The name means "father's joy" as well.

I'm so bloody confused about this whole thing that I'm in tears about it every day. I like the other name so much more and I don't know if I can see her being Abigail or Abi the rest of her life. I think about changing it but I get such a deep feeling of heartbreak and guilt over it and I feel that if I did change it these feelings would linger forever on.

How unreasonable am I being here. From this mess I've typed out, do you think I'm best off keeping the name or changing it? I can't tell if it's mum guilt talking or my emotions or what and it's exhausting.

OP posts:
ConciseandNice · 12/10/2018 16:42

Just change it! It’s so early and it’s fine. I dislike both my daughters’ names (my husband picked them, I picked our sons’) and wish they were different. You aren’t going to suddenly start liking it and it will get shortened. In fact she may shorten it Gerald as a teen and it’ll rub you up the wrong way every time. Change it while you have the chance.

SputnikBear · 12/10/2018 16:49

My DS is called Andrew but we shorten it to Drew. It drives me nuts when people call him Andy because it sounds awful! We figure if he gets used to being called Drew then he’ll correct people if they call him Andy. It’s just a case of enforcing our preferred short version until he’s old enough to do it himself.

Personally I wouldn’t let one nasty girl ruin your DD’s name for you. Reclaim it and make it positive instead of negative. Choose your preferred short version and get her used to that. Or change it if it bothers you that much.

Rebooting · 12/10/2018 16:52

My bff is called Abigail - she’s know as Bee. Would that work?

FruitofAutumn · 12/10/2018 16:54

What does your husband think about changing it? If he doesn't agree it is a non-starter

Notajourno · 12/10/2018 16:54

I was going to come and suggest the nickname GiGi. I think it is a lovely and more unusual nickname for Abigail.

mistermagpie · 12/10/2018 16:55

Change it. We have a Penelope in the family, her parents were adamant that she was Penelope and not Penny. Guess what everyone she meets calls her? I also have a similar type of name and I might as well not even have the long version because nobody ever uses it.

She's still tiny, do it now before she's at nursery or whatever.

FruitofAutumn · 12/10/2018 16:56

oh sorry , I see that your DH is agreeable.
I would not do anything official yet, just experiment with calling her the new name for a few months and then review.

YearOfYouRemember · 12/10/2018 16:57

I would change the name purely because of how you feel now and against how you are thinking you'll feel if you change it…

IdaBWells · 12/10/2018 16:58

I would change the name, she is so young it is no big deal at all. If people ask just say as you got to know her another name seemed a much better fit. You can use Abigail as a middle name. I really wouldn’t put yourself through agonies if you just don’t like it, it sounds like your DH doesn’t mind at all so do it! I think the reason you are suffering so much over it are to do with post-partum anxiety. In my experience it is not unusual at all for new mothers to become obsessed with something and get very, very upset about it. Personally I think it is all the hormonal changes, having a new baby is life changing and will cause so much generalized anxiety and so it is not unusual at all that one thing becomes the focus of the general anxiety.

I met a neighbour when I was a teenager who told me her parents change her name when she was 7 months old, or maybe it was even later. It definitely wasn’t in the early months like you. This was back in the ‘80s. Her parents had called her Sharon and changed to Rebecca. The girl I knew was SUCH a Rebecca and her name suited her perfectly, it seemed bizarre that Sharon had ever been an option, let alone her name!

NobHob · 12/10/2018 16:58

I go by my middle name. Always have. DM thought the two names sounded better that way round and so it was. I always get called by my first name in the doctors etc, but other than that it's been no hassle.

So feel free to use her middle name. Or add another infront of Abigail. Or call her Gail instead of Abi... so long as you do it soon you'll be fine.

Darkstar4855 · 12/10/2018 16:58

I have a similar length name and people always shorten it. I went through a phase of insisting people call me the full version and it STILL got shortened all the time.

If you aren’t happy with the shortened version I would say change it.

FruitofAutumn · 12/10/2018 16:59

I have a cousin Abigail whose brother used to torment her by calling her A-big-girl

AdultHumanFemale · 12/10/2018 17:05

Feeling for you. Just change her name. You won't be changing her Flowers

NKFell · 12/10/2018 17:09

I would either go for adding a new middle name that she'll now be known as or just change it. Like a PP has said, it'll be news for a while but people will get over it.

Don't worry OP, she is totally young enough to change.

Justkeeprollingalong · 12/10/2018 17:10

Why did you go with Abigail if you had another name you love?

Orchiddingme · 12/10/2018 17:14

I would change it.

I would also perhaps wonder whether you are feeling down/depressed as well- you say you are crying daily about this and feeling sad and guilty when really there is nothing to be guilty about. If you do feel unusually down, perhaps chat to the health visitor or see your GP? Chat to a friend or family or your husband as well. Take care.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 12/10/2018 17:16

Your baby is still very young so you have options. She isn't going to be confused. Only you can make the decision that will make you feel better - whether that is to change the name or keep insisting that it isn't shortened or whatever but just wanted to share a couple of things.

First of all my husband (and my father in law) were both known from birth by their second name and the only time it caused a problem was when my husband went to collect a prescription for antibiotics and because he and our son who was a toddler at the time have the same first name he was given a bottle of bright yellow banana flavoured medicine!

Secondly, you say you have bad memories of someone called Abi/Abbey. When my daughter was born, possibly motivated by raging hormones, I passionately wanted to name her after an aunt who died as a teenager when I was a young child.

My family were up in arms! The name is still old fashioned enough not to have had a revival, isn't particularly pretty (not Gladys but of that ilk), and it would upset my elderly great aunt. But I put my foot down and said that I had loved my aunt and wanted to honour her memory by including the name. And I did. Once everyone had met her no one gave the second name another thought except for my uncle (the brother of the aunt who had died) who thought it was wonderful to have the name in the family again to use it for someone healthy and full of life. To reinvent it if you like.

Abigail is a very pretty name with a lovely meaning. If it makes you sad to change it maybe it is time to reinvent Abi/Abbey as we did with "Gladys".

Canshopwillshop · 12/10/2018 17:26

I love Gigi!

Talith · 12/10/2018 17:32

I think you feel sufficiently strongly to change it. I agree perhaps keep Abigail as a middle name, even if it makes her full name a little long. My full birth name had 12 syllables!!! Getting married shaved a few off and occasionally ran out of space on forms but thankfully but it wasn't remotely a major issue really. Gail is nice as a new shortened name and very appropriate given the weather at the moment!

Coyoacan · 12/10/2018 17:33

OP, you've got to learn to be more cynical re. guilt. You, like all the rest of us, will inadvertently do some harm to your child at one point, but this is not it.

My dd goes by her second name. The only problem she's ever had is in doctor's offices.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/10/2018 17:37

Just remember that she may well choose to nickname herself Abby. My aunt insisted that my cousin be called Catherine. She ‘nicknamed’ herself Cathy when she was about 12 and made it clear to her mum that that was what her friends (and cousins) were going to call her. Eventually everyone but her mum called her Cathy.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 12/10/2018 17:41

Abigail is lovely, and I really like the suggestion above, of Bee.
Whatever you do OP, don't despair, if you want to change her name, just do it ! 🌸😄

ravenmum · 12/10/2018 17:44

My mum did this with my sister. I never even remembered until she mentioned it a couple of decades later. The old name was similar but a bit more old-fashioned and people kept using the more modern version, apparently. It is absolutely not a big deal. Not even a deal.

Yeahmum · 12/10/2018 17:45

Change it Flowers. Our children have two middle names - can you stick a new name in front?

I think you sound exhausted - do what your gut is telling you x

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/10/2018 17:48

Change it and don’t feel bad. You won’t be forgetting her first naked moments, it is part of her unique story.

I know of a family who changed their DD’s name months later. I was impressed at their decisiveness.

Do it, don’t worry!