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Original poster

To change my baby's name... feeling guilt and sadness

286 replies

tiffysaccount · 12/10/2018 15:23

Hello mums

Well long story short we named our baby girl Abigail and registered her and I dislike the name or so I thought. I'd like some help processing these emotions and to try to figure out what's best for us.

I hate it when people call her Abi/Abby and it seems like that is what they constantly do. Plus I knew an Abi who was a complete bitch at school and I don't know why I didn't think of the association beforehand. Stupid. We've told people we are going to call her Abigail no nicknames and they don't seem to respect it. Feels like fingernails on a chalkboard whenever I hear Abigail or Abi. Just seems off to me.

I wanted to name her something else, I don't want to post for privacy purposes sorry but it's also a classic normal name.

I don't know why on earth I didn't name her that, DH loved the name and is now OK with me changing it to that, I have his full blessing.

She is 15 weeks now, if you would have asked me to change it 6 weeks ago i would have done the paperwork immediately but now I am not sure. This absolutely breaks my heart and I'm so confused.

I was going back in her baby book the other day and saw a hospital birth record with Abigail on it and her little feet stamped on it and I just burst into tears at the thought of changing it. I feel that if I changed the name I would be changing her. It's almost like, I hate the name but now it's hers and I can't take it from her. It's the strangest emotion, hating the name but almost loving it because it's hers.

Then I think back to the hospital and my husband filling out the birth certificate and holding her in his arms. The name means "father's joy" as well.

I'm so bloody confused about this whole thing that I'm in tears about it every day. I like the other name so much more and I don't know if I can see her being Abigail or Abi the rest of her life. I think about changing it but I get such a deep feeling of heartbreak and guilt over it and I feel that if I did change it these feelings would linger forever on.

How unreasonable am I being here. From this mess I've typed out, do you think I'm best off keeping the name or changing it? I can't tell if it's mum guilt talking or my emotions or what and it's exhausting.

OP posts:
alphajuliet123 · 19/10/2018 14:31

OP have you and your husband been calling her Charlotte? Does it seem to suit her better? And does it make you feel better?

Rebecca36 · 19/10/2018 14:36

Abigail is a lovely name and Abi for short is great. I wish I'd been called Abigail!

Original poster
tiffysaccount · 19/10/2018 17:18

@alphajuliet123 yeah we've been trying Charlotte at home, it's a bit awkward now as we haven't been calling her that until now.

My husband said both names today and I am honestly so anxious I don't know what I'm thinking anymore, but somewhere under the big pile of anxiety I curled up my nose at the original name... and when he said Charlotte I felt a lot more calm.

It's just going through with it and having everyone have so many different opinions that makes it all hard. I feel immensely better but I still flop back and forth because it's such a major step, you know.

OP posts:
AhoyDelBoy · 22/10/2018 14:06

Have you changed your DDs name yet @tiffysaccount?

Original poster
tiffysaccount · 22/10/2018 16:59

@AhoyDelBoy not yet. I feel it's the right thing but I'm so nervous about actually doing it! DH and I filled out the proper paperwork to do it on Friday and got it officially witnessed. I'm just being a bit daft again thinking "oh I hope I don't regret THIS" "feeling bad she'll have an amended birth cert" all this other bother. trying to get my anxiety under control first. Family keeps cheering me on saying go ahead do it and they think it's the best thing for us. So I will as soon as I can get the courage up. Everyone is saying it's no big deal.

OP posts:
retainertrainer · 22/10/2018 17:18

Just get it done. The longer you drag it out the worse it’ll get. Can you just get DH to do it? Let him take the burden off you. You know this parenting lark is 50/50, he’s not saying no to the name change, it’s not all on your shoulders.

Original poster
tiffysaccount · 22/10/2018 18:11

@retainertrainer true, I'm going to have DH do it and call everyone afterwards I think (including the doctors office and all that).

Been having a lot of anxiety today thinking "oh lord is this the right thing to do?" I think I am having a bit of a panic over it being so final and guilt again after going through with it... feeling like her name is a bit of a fraud! second guessing myself feeling like I'm just being stupid over this whole thing.

Aaaah. Wish my therapist was available 27/7/365! I always feel better after seeing DH so I just have to wait until we are done with work.

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 22/10/2018 18:13

It's such a nice name though! Sorry if that's no help but maybe you will come to like it?

Original poster
tiffysaccount · 22/10/2018 18:18

@blackteasplease I know it is, that's why I feel so horrible about it. It just never seemed right to me especially when I had a clear favourite I didn't choose for silly reasons. Like I said I often wonder if I'm being a bit daft over all of this and I should just leave the past in the past and learn from it. :( either way I think I'll feel really bad about it.

OP posts:
retainertrainer · 22/10/2018 18:33

Well I’ve never really liked DS’s name but Dh didn’t like the name I liked so we compromised and it’s always felt like a compromise.

Switch your brain off and follow your heart. Parenting comes with a gut instinct and you’ll never go wrong if you follow it. Yours is screaming at you to change her name but you’re letting your head talk you out of it-don’t!

mediumbrownmug · 22/10/2018 19:11

Aww OP, I completely understand how you feel! Flowers Being a new mother is hard, and you sound like you love your little girl a lot and want the very best for her, which naturally can cause extra worry when you have to make decisions for her about even the smallest things. But you, and others, are right when you say that it really isn’t a big deal to change her name (ditto on the amended cert). Even full grown adults change their names, first and last, every day. The counseling sounds like a nice idea, as you deserve to feel peace about it. Good luck! Smile

blackteasplease · 22/10/2018 20:07

Sorry my bad for not reading the thread thoroughly enough

Look at it the other way. Either option will be fine and end up with a lovely name. I don't mean that in a harsh way at all but really it will all be fine Flowers

Original poster
tiffysaccount · 22/10/2018 21:21

@mediumbrownmug (and others!) thank you. I love her more than anything! this makes it really difficult and every single thing I do feels like I'm committing a crime, especially changing something like her name that she will use every single day, it just seems huge. I know at the core she'll start to recognise her name and that will just be "her name" and she'll never know otherwise until we tell her the story one day. She won't care.

My parents keep texting me asking if I've changed it and they keep cheering me on and calling her Charlotte lol. I think I'll just have to have DH drop it in the mail and move forward.

OP posts:
Porpoises · 23/10/2018 01:37

I'm glad you're getting counseling op, please keep going with it. I'm concerned that right now your post natal anxiety is all focused on the name, but that when you make a choice on that issue, your anxiety may just leap to a new focus. The absolute best thing you can do for your daughter is to look after her mother's mental health :)

alphajuliet123 · 23/10/2018 10:39

Just get it posted off, OP, it sounds like everyone who matters is encouraging you to go for it. Crack on now!!

Original poster
tiffysaccount · 24/10/2018 15:54

Thanks to all you ladies for the help. I don't know how I could have coped with this without you.

My heart has been in my throat about this all week and I couldn't sleep last night. DH wants this resolved by Friday and has taken the packet with him to work so I can't back out, he was afraid I was going to have an anxious tailspin and rip it up :) he plans to post it while he is at work tomorrow.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 24/10/2018 15:57

Changing is right IMHO. So well done.

powercutie · 24/10/2018 16:05

I have a friend who goes by her middle name. It was years until I found out it wasn't her actual first name! Easily slip a name in front of or behind Abigail.

Ps. I understand. My children have quite "out there" names as per particularly their fathers wishes, he turned out to be dick and we are NC with him - and sometimes I truly regret naming them these things. But they're 4 and 6 so way too late for me ;)

alphajuliet123 · 24/10/2018 16:26

I can't wait for the "it's official" post! I think it will be a weight off your mind.

haistbabymama · 30/10/2018 04:50

I’m so sorry you’re having these feelings. Abigail is such a beautiful name. I love it! Her name doesn’t have to get shortened. Growing up, friends sometimes tried to shorten my name but I always insisted on my full name.
I’m also having baby name regret...my son is named Fraser. I like it alot but once in a while someone mispronounces Fraser and calls him Frazier (which I really don’t like). So now I’m wondering if we should call him Wren instead.

VenusInSpurs · 30/10/2018 05:25

Tiffy, well done! Your DH has dine the right thing, your darling baby will have the (other) beautiful name you really wanted at birth, and your Princess story is great.

I’m really pleased you sought help and gained more u derstsnding about your anxiety and decision making.

I think there are two seperate things going on: you really did want to change your baby’s name, and you are experiencing anxiety.

Do continue getting support. Your Mim and DH sound great, and you are a great mum to Charlotte.

SunnyCoco · 30/10/2018 06:13

Well done op

You are doing the right thing

Hope you feel much better soon x

AroundTheWorldIn80Days · 30/10/2018 06:46

Definitely change it. I still have doubts about my 3 year olds name but not as strongly and it’s too late now.

My sister had her name changed as a baby and 2 relatives that we never see still write Christmas cards with the original name in it. We just find it funny and she has not been affected in the slightest, nor is she bothered that her name was changed. She has no memories of the original name or nostalgia over it at all. It is not included in her new name fwiw.

Original poster
tiffysaccount · 30/10/2018 16:59

Wanted to thank you all again. I've been reading your replies again for a bit of encouragement :) DH hasn't posted it yet, but he will. We've just called around to see if there's any way we can get a new certificate reissued without the amendment, if the answer is yes we'll do it that way and if the answer is no we'll put it in the post.

I've just read back at my posts and good heavens do I sound an anxious wreck. VenusInSpurs has hit it on the head, I've made a mistake and my anxiety is making it seem like the end of the world when it isn't. I am working on seeing things more positively this week at the suggestion of my therapist. I hope I can put it all behind me someday.

OP posts:
alphajuliet123 · 13/11/2018 12:50

@tiffysaccount how's things? Did those forms get sent off? Hoping she is now officially Charlotte and it's one thing crossed off your worry list.

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