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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re siblings etiquette at birthday parties

391 replies

dontyouforgetaboutme · 12/10/2018 10:50

So am not sure if AIBU or the other mums. It's my DDs 8th birthday party tomorrow and one mother has texted me to ask if it's ok to bring her 3 year old - she can play with another 3 year old who is coming. Well no one has checked with me re the other 3 year old coming. It appears it's been assumed they can . I am having the party in a hall, but have exactly the right number of party plates and cups, and party bags full of plastic crap.

So my AIBU is that I am pissed off and feel like saying no to the CFs, or should I just chill out. Both parents on the scene so no childcare issue with either family I am aware of. I would never dream of assuming another DC could come to a birthday party. Am I missing something?

OP posts:
Caroelle · 12/10/2018 10:54

It’s a party with invitations for guests, not for hangers on. Are you happy for parents to leave the children who are the guests?

RedTriangle · 12/10/2018 10:54

It is a bit cheeky but for the sake of being friendly I’d just put two extra plates out and forget about it.

KurriKurri · 12/10/2018 10:58

I think if they were closer in age, I wouldn;t mind the odd sibling if it was hard for the mother to bring the invitee otherwise. But three year olds at and 8yr olds party ? - i think you find something else to do with your 3 yr old.
My children are 5 yrs apart and whent hey were little I'd go and sit in apark with younger one if older one was at a party (I didn't have a car at the time).
If you don;t want younger ones there I'd say now 'sorry no siblings'
It's a bit of a cheek to turn up with younger kids - because you can guarantee they will then expect food, a party bag etc., which you haven't catered for.
I also think that older children shouldn't always have to have younger siblings tagging around witht hem to whatever they do - they need time to be with their own age friends.

drinkygin · 12/10/2018 10:58

For a pay per person party (for example, soft play) I’d say no siblings-tbh for a party in a hall I would be more relaxed. It won’t take much to knock up a couple of extra party bags and plates of food. This is assuming the parents will be staying to supervise the three years olds, of course!

AlpacaLypse · 12/10/2018 10:59

Let the parents of 3 year old know that it's fine but you haven't catered for them.

There probably will be enough food, they never finish it (apart from the cocktail sausages).

Since there will be at least one or two mystery no-shows there'll probably be a couple of spare party bags anyway!

Invisimamma · 12/10/2018 10:59

A bit cheeky! You could say 'oh other 3yr old wasn't invited I haven't planned food etc for them, why don't you drop off and collect 8yr later instead?'

AlpacaLypse · 12/10/2018 11:00

Sorry I've just realised, are they planning to dump the three year old and run? Which WOULD be a pain!

RiverTam · 12/10/2018 11:00

Nope, no siblings unless friends of the birthday child's own siblings, and unless invited.

I would just say to both parents that you have only planned for the invited guests. having 3 year olds at an 8 year old's party is just going to be a pain. I bet you the parents wouldn't be hanging around to look after their toddlers either, if they're that cheeky.

Jamboree05 · 12/10/2018 11:01

Text back and say 'I'm really sorry... I wasn't aware another three year old was coming...??'

RiverTam · 12/10/2018 11:02

i only have an older child so my home isn't set up for toddlers. I'm not doing a whole load of additional putting away to keep stuff out of the hands of a 3 year old, so even if the party was in my own home I'd say no. The days of the house been trashed by pre-schoolers has long gone, thank God!

Whereismumhiding2 · 12/10/2018 11:03

YANBU Wow, no it's not ok to take younger siblings to a party they are not invited to & expect that they can join in. The birthday DD is 8 years old, they can drop off their 8 year old invited child.

Tbh if you don't want 3 year old there's, just reply "Sorry, I'm confused as there are no 3 year olds invited nor coming to DD's birthday party. Just drop your DD off, I'm sure she'll have fun with us!"

I'm a lone parent with 3 and I would take my younger DC away with me, we go sit in cafe somewhere or go to nearby park, unless it was a play place where I could pay a ticket for her & play with her. We stay out of the way if I have my other DC with me - as it's so rude to try to impose uninvited siblings into another child's birthday party.

Original poster
dontyouforgetaboutme · 12/10/2018 11:04

weirdly this year group of parents don't tend to drop and go. DS's year group of parents have since they were all 5 or so. It means going out to the shops to buy more food and party bag stuff so a bit of a bloody palava when I thought I had everything organised. If I say there won't be food or a party bag I'm just going to have tantrumming 3 year olds - it's not their fault after all! oh crap.

OP posts:
waterrat · 12/10/2018 11:05

Well given that an 8 year old would be left on their own at a party I would say no to this. No need to get annoyed with a mum for asking - just say sorry I can't supervise little ones at this event.

Returnofthesmileybar · 12/10/2018 11:05

Just say no! "Ooh I hadn't planned on siblings, I have catered for the exact amount I invited. I hope Mary hasn't just assumed Tommy can come, I doubt a bunch of 8 year olds will want 3 years olds hanging around anyway"

WeeDangerousSpike · 12/10/2018 11:06

Jamboree05

Text back and say 'I'm really sorry... I wasn't aware another three year old was coming...??'

This^^

Returnofthesmileybar · 12/10/2018 11:06

And yes just add "Feel free to drop and go if it makes life easier for you" at the end

cookiesandchocolate · 12/10/2018 11:07

It's annoying they haven't checked. If I had to ask I would say I would bring my own food for the 3 year old.
I don't do party bags, just a little bag of sweets and always make extra. I think because it's in a hall then it's seen as the norm to bring a sibling as it's no extra cash, but I would never expect them to be fed.

Original poster
dontyouforgetaboutme · 12/10/2018 11:09

right have texted to say "oh, xx isn't coming as far as I am aware so your DD won't have anyone to play with. Maybe check with CFmum?"

OP posts:
WhichSchoolForDS · 12/10/2018 11:12

At DC's school the etiquette was that siblings were invited by default to hall parties and by invitation only to pay per child parties (people tended to extend the invite to siblings too when the event wasn't number limited as it's a small class and a fairly well off area)

sadnessin · 12/10/2018 11:15

Good text OP.

Some people are so assumptious (that's not a word but I like it for this example)

BackforGood · 12/10/2018 11:15

Don't think your reply is as good as others suggested.

Would definitely have said something along the lines of not being able to cater for siblings, but obviously as the dc are 8 then parents don't need to stay.

Of course you don't have to provide party bags for people not invited - any tantrums are down to their parents not managing expectations.

However, i'd never have the exact number of plates, etc only - what do you do when someone knocks their drink over someone else's plate, etc etc,

Whereismumhiding2 · 12/10/2018 11:15

@dontyouforgetaboutme

So don't!! This is your DD's birthday party for HER birthday!!!
It's not a laid on entertainment to occupy local families. You're invitee was to one of their DC, namely DD's friend. it wasn't an open invite and their parents know that.

I'm even more Shock they want to drop off their uninvited preschool/toddler?!

Just say no. It's not relevant that it's a hall, you have enough to do without having to focus on with any worry about uninvited preschoolers running around too who (due to their age) would likely expect it to be all about them. Stick with what you've arranged and your DD wants.

Deadringer · 12/10/2018 11:17

We don't have parties in halls where I live they are either at venues, (soft play, bowling whatever) and very expensive, or at home, and siblings are pretty much never included. My dd9 would be pissed off to have 3 year olds running around at her party, and so would I. Other siblings will see those two playing and beg to stay as well, and then the parents will all probably hang around too. expecting to be fed and watered no doubt I would tell the mum that your DD wants a 'grown up' party with no little ones. And I would repeat ad nauseum until the parents get the message.

Kokapetl · 12/10/2018 11:18

Usually, here, people are kind and do say it is fine to bring siblings. We have a few families in DC's year group where one parent works weekends so that younger DC are with a parent as much as possible during the week, so they do have a childcare issue at weekends.

Some people do party bags and food for siblings, some don't and it is really not expected. We did for our party, partly because our younger DC was there and it was nice to have a few kids of the same age. If there is no party bag for siblings, the invited child has to share in our family!

But I also would have expected 8 year olds to be OK at a party without parents, assuming no additional needs.

Original poster
dontyouforgetaboutme · 12/10/2018 11:19

I have a reply. Other 3 year old WILL be coming. Haven't been asked by those parents at all! Do I say something direct to that mum.? Am pretty cross but don't want to come accross as petty.....I'm also not sure how my DD8 is going to feel about it? Am tempted to lay up the table for the invited friends only. It really changes the dynamics of DD8's party!

OP posts:
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