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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re siblings etiquette at birthday parties

391 replies

dontyouforgetaboutme · 12/10/2018 10:50

So am not sure if AIBU or the other mums. It's my DDs 8th birthday party tomorrow and one mother has texted me to ask if it's ok to bring her 3 year old - she can play with another 3 year old who is coming. Well no one has checked with me re the other 3 year old coming. It appears it's been assumed they can . I am having the party in a hall, but have exactly the right number of party plates and cups, and party bags full of plastic crap.

So my AIBU is that I am pissed off and feel like saying no to the CFs, or should I just chill out. Both parents on the scene so no childcare issue with either family I am aware of. I would never dream of assuming another DC could come to a birthday party. Am I missing something?

OP posts:
Deadringer · 12/10/2018 11:48

That's crazy whereis read it and weep op. and get texting

Dreamingofkfc · 12/10/2018 11:57

At that age I think it's so cheeky. I have taken my 1 year old to a party his 3 year old was attending, but didn't expect food or drink for him and it was a hall so he didn't cost anything. The parents didn't mind as they were all at the nursery together anyways. At that age I wouldn't expect parents to stay? Surely they've had enough of parties by now?

BiscuitsAndGravy · 12/10/2018 11:58

Don't wait for this to play out OP, as you could end up very angry at the party. I'd get in touch with the other mum and say that X told you her 3 year old was coming etc.

minisoksmakehardwork · 12/10/2018 11:58

@Whereismumhiding2, that's the stuff of party nightmares!

@dontyouforgetaboutme you definitely need to contact all parents to remind them that the party is for invitees only and siblings will not be welcome nor catered for. Parents can drop their child and collect at the end. Guaranteed if 2 are planning it with toddlers there might be more you don't know about.

They're 8 years old ffs! Admittedly I might not drop and run for my 8yo but he has Sen and tbh rarely gets invited to parties. If I needed to stay I'd certainly have organised childcare for my other children unless the invite made it clear sibs were invited too.

cheesefield · 12/10/2018 12:00

Just send out a mass text saying "Hi all, just to clarify, we are not able to accommodate siblings, but please feel free to drop and collect. Thanks x"

Wafflenose · 12/10/2018 12:01

Definitely make it clear that toddlers are not invited. A PP made a good point about there probably being more than just the two - especially when other parents see the toddlers staying at the party with their mums and decide to stay with all their DC too. Just no! It will spoil it for your DD.

lola006 · 12/10/2018 12:04

I’ve let siblings stay where the age gap is small (say a 6 year old staying at an 8 year old party) and had some last min cancellations...otherwise, no. It’s not fair on your DD, or you.

You’ll end up pandering far too much to the 3 year olds who want to be involved in any games and might tantrum when they aren’t catered for (esp the bloody party bags!). Agree with PP’s who suggest nipping in the bud now with a text to both parents about it.

Hissy · 12/10/2018 12:05

Agree, don't let this one go, it's a No Siblings party so if this is an issue, feel free to drop the 8yo and take the 3yos off somewhere , but there is no provision for 3yo and what's more, you don't want to be hosting 3yos under any circumstances.

FuckingCF - who the hell does she think she is TELLING you that another persons 3yo IS coming.

Text her back and call the other mum to bring her up to speed

Hello, just heard from X that you were thinking of bringing 3yo to DD party. To confirm, this is a no sibling party so 3yo won't be able to attend, feel free to drop 8yo and come back at the end of the party.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/10/2018 12:07

"No other 3 year old isn't invited!! I'd text other CF mum and say "X said you were planning to bring (toddler name) to DD's party? We haven't invited siblings nor younger children to DD's party, so it's not possible. Feel free to drop (invited DD name) off instead of staying"

@Whereismumhiding2's reply is spot on - I would send that, OP!!

SuperGekkoMuscles · 12/10/2018 12:10

You need to be very clear that at no point has the other parent said anything about the other 3 year old coming and you aren’t catering for siblings. You also need to ask the other parent that you’ve heard they are bringing the sibling and why haven’t they mentioned it, and that it isn’t happening. Unless you clear this up you’ll end up with no end of siblings as it’s just being assumed they are coming.

As a pp said, don’t wait for this to play out, sort this out now.

Hissy · 12/10/2018 12:10

what's the betting the toddler parent lays it on thick about how toddler is so excited about coming, how could you do that to them wha wha wha

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 12/10/2018 12:13

cheesefield’s suggestion is best, no drama, clear and unequivocal.

Maryann1975 · 12/10/2018 12:14

Defiant don’t be providing party bags for uninvited children. What parent can think that it’s acceptable for their child to be given a party bag when they haven’t even been invited! I agree with the Mass text to say unfortunately younger siblings are not invited but feel free to drop and collect later if you are struggling for childcare.

It’s so rude to think it’s ok to just turn up with extra children (and I say that having 3dc, when I have had to leave my dc at parties because I haven’t had anyone to look after the other children). I would never assume it was ok to just turn up with them and would never ask unless it was a close friends party and I knew I was actullay going to end up helping out a bit while I was there.

Racecardriver · 12/10/2018 12:15

YABU. It's really ill mannered not to invite siblings to children's parties. They were obviously extremely rude to assume that siblings were welcome when invitations did not specify do but you were just as rude so you have no right to be pissed of or to think that they are CF (as opposed to just confused). Just say no sorry no siblings welcome for this year and invite siblings in future now that you know better.

bruffin · 12/10/2018 12:16

It's really ill mannered not to invite siblings to children's parties

No its not, never has been .

BumsexAtTheBingo · 12/10/2018 12:16

I’d go with a mass text saying ‘A few people have asked about bringing younger siblings to x’s party. There are quite a few and dd would really like it to just be her and her friends there. If it makes it easier feel free to drop your elder child so you can do something nice with the little ones while the party is on’. Then anyone who turns up with toddler in tow will be outing themselves to everyone as a total cheeky fucker who has disregarded the birthday child’s wishes. And you won’t be getting any come back from people saying ‘they let so and so come but I had to get childcare’ etc.

TidyDancer · 12/10/2018 12:17

It's not ill mannered to not invite siblings at all!

OP, text back and make it clear siblings are not able to be accommodated. If you allow it this time it will happen again.

noenergy · 12/10/2018 12:17

I was going to say it's fine if it's just in a hall but then seen the age gap. This will change the dynamics. I sometimes don't even take my younger ones to my eldest daughters party.

Will there be some sort of activity for the party?

Balaboosteh · 12/10/2018 12:21

I always treated my children’s parties as big happy community events - invite whole class, families, siblings, my own friends. Didn’t do them every year so tended to be something I’d saved up for. Always had a few extra party bags and plenty of food drink and booze for everyone.

ADastardlyThing · 12/10/2018 12:22

Food/party bags etc for invited kids only and text as suggested by pp to confirm parents are welcome to drop off/pick up if it helps as you understand there are a couple of mum's who might struggle for childcare. Then if they still turn up it's tough titties.

Cheeky twats!

Balaboosteh · 12/10/2018 12:24

And if I was spoken to by a party host like some of these texts suggest, I would be inclined not to attend at all. It’s quite an effort and cost getting kids to parties, what with the present and the timing and all. Whatever happened to the more the merrier? The main thing is to make a fun party, not count your paper plates in and out.

t1mum3 · 12/10/2018 12:25

I think Bumsex is right. If the parents are "expected" to stay, it can make it really hard to find childcare for other siblings. I've had to take siblings to parties before but made it absolutely clear they are not part of the party, don't expect any food, party bag etc. Hard work for the uninvited siblings though.

I don't think there's any need to be huffy or think they are being cheeky. Just make it absolute clear you don't expect the parents to stay.

ADastardlyThing · 12/10/2018 12:26

And you can definitely ignore racecardriver op!

Soubriquet · 12/10/2018 12:30

It's really ill mannered not to invite siblings to children's parties

Eh?! Confused

I wouldn’t expect my 3 year old ds to be invited to a party that my 5 year old dd was invited to.

Not his friends.

Racecardriver · 12/10/2018 12:30

@bruffin literally every culture I have experience besides lower class British culture (so it's not like its even a British thing) fund this shockingly rude, in some cultures its even offensive. In that contexts its clearly a lack of manners even if it seems normal to some people.