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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re siblings etiquette at birthday parties

391 replies

dontyouforgetaboutme · 12/10/2018 10:50

So am not sure if AIBU or the other mums. It's my DDs 8th birthday party tomorrow and one mother has texted me to ask if it's ok to bring her 3 year old - she can play with another 3 year old who is coming. Well no one has checked with me re the other 3 year old coming. It appears it's been assumed they can . I am having the party in a hall, but have exactly the right number of party plates and cups, and party bags full of plastic crap.

So my AIBU is that I am pissed off and feel like saying no to the CFs, or should I just chill out. Both parents on the scene so no childcare issue with either family I am aware of. I would never dream of assuming another DC could come to a birthday party. Am I missing something?

OP posts:
Danteinferno · 12/10/2018 12:31

I would just text the person who’s bringing their 3yr old and say x had told me you’re planning to bring 3rd old to party. Unfortunately because I was t aware and we’ve not invited siblings this time there won’t be any good or party bags available for x. Feel free to drop invited child if that’s easier for you

Balaboosteh · 12/10/2018 12:31

Gosh I’m gobsmacked. Such mean spiritedness on this thread. You know parties are a great way for parents and families to get to know each other? It’s a party ffs. It’s meant to have people there! What have you planned that parents and siblings will ruin? You know that 8 year olds run riot at parties right? (Recalls 8 yo girl tea party at naice venue that descended into feeding time at zoo)

EdisonLightBulb · 12/10/2018 12:31

Just say no sorry no siblings welcome for this year and invite siblings in future now that you know better

PMSL - I hope you will know better next year OP!

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 12/10/2018 12:33

Wow. How rude of both of those parents! Just say “sorry, no siblings are invited and I will be contacting X to make them aware of that.”

Soubriquet · 12/10/2018 12:34

literally every culture I have experience besides lower class British culture (so it's not like its even a British thing) fund this shockingly rude, in some cultures its even offensive. In that contexts its clearly a lack of manners even if it seems normal to some people.

Aah so I’m low class. Good to know

Winterbella · 12/10/2018 12:36

I just had a soft play place party for my 5 yr old, one mother texted and said could she bring the younger brother, I initially thought that's a bit cheeky, but she is a single mum and was staying anyway and she offered to pay for the sibling(which I told her it was ok she didn't need to).

But then two other sets of parents turned up on the day and told the guys at the door that the siblings were at the party too so ended up with 4 more to pay for! was not happy at all.

SuperGekkoMuscles · 12/10/2018 12:37

It’s quite an effort and cost getting kids to parties, what with the present and the timing and all. Whatever happened to the more the merrier?

But it’s not up to you as a guest to decide if a sibling can join. If you don’t have child care then don’t go, or at age 8, drop them off.

JacquesHammer · 12/10/2018 12:37

It's really ill mannered not to invite siblings to children's parties

Utter bollocks.

OP they're beyond cheeky. Absolutely message and straighten it out.

Jaxhog · 12/10/2018 12:41

At least she asked! It looks like another mother has just assumed it's ok. Which is cheeky.

If there will be space, I'd say yes, but let them know that you won't have spare food etc. and that they won't be at the party itself.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 12/10/2018 12:41

Lol that rocking up at parties you’re not invited to is a nice middle class pursuit 😂

RiverTam · 12/10/2018 12:43

Bal and that is entirely up to you, how you wish to organize a party for your child, that you're paying for, possibly in your house.

You do understand that you don't get to dictate what other families choose to do, right? DD would hate to have the whole class - she's not friends with the whole class, FFS. But she (and we, tbh) would struggle with that sized party, she would be overwhelmed. Whole class parties not the norm at her school, though, thank God.

Jaxhog · 12/10/2018 12:43

You know parties are a great way for parents and families to get to know each other? It’s a party ffs.

So it's ok to bring whoever you want to a party that some else is paying for? Try that at your next dinner party invite and see what happens!

TheChocolateTrain · 12/10/2018 12:44

It's really ill mannered not to invite siblings to children's parties.
What a load of bollocks! In my experience it's only considered a given that siblings are invited when the birthday child is 5 or younger. Above that the parents drop and run unless specifically asked to stay in which case siblings would be invited and catered for.

DD's birthday is near Easter and DS's near Halloween so I just make sure I have a bucket of mini Easter eggs or Halloween sweets to hand out to siblings when they come to pick up the invited child.

Danteinferno · 12/10/2018 12:47

I personally always invite siblings or makenit clear it’s a limited number / price per head so we can’t accomi them. If a parent said to me I’m really stuck and I’ve got no choice but to bring older / younger sibling then I always try my best to include them but it’s rude to just assume you can bring a 3yr without asking.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 12/10/2018 12:47

And the 8yos won’t be able to run riot with little ones there that’s the point. If there’s a bouncy castle they’ll have to be being extra careful not to knock into little ones.
Fair enough if you don’t mind having extras at your parties but if you rock up to other people’s with extras who haven’t been invited you are rude regardless of your social class.

Chesterfieldsofa · 12/10/2018 12:47

It's really ill mannered not to invite siblings to children's parties

In my son's class there were 3 huge families - 2 with 6, one with 7, so to invite those 3 friends would mean an extra 16 children to the house, most of who he's never met, as well as siblings from the other 10 classmates. You've not really thought this through with your ridiculous 'lower class British culture' statement have you Racecardriver, you must try harder next time.

Returnofthesmileybar · 12/10/2018 12:49

Ill mannered to not invite siblings 😂 I have heard it all now!!

TheNoodlesIncident · 12/10/2018 12:52

Debrett's don't agree with you Racecardriver. They don't think it's grossly offensive in Britain to not invite every kid in a family instead of just the one your kid's pals with.

They bristled at bringing uninvited people though. Whatever class you are, it's not on.

Clothrabbit · 12/10/2018 12:56

Well I'm Irish Racecardriver and it is certainly not the norm to invite siblings to birthday parties.

OP, I'd do as a previous poster suggested - just sit the 3 year olds somewhere with a bowl of crisps and a drink and give them something small and cheap to bring home with them.
Simpler than getting into arguments and receiving huffy looks at the school gates. They are being rude but they seem to know no better so not worth creating hassle for yourself.

ADastardlyThing · 12/10/2018 12:57

Literally every UC person I know (and I know a fair few through work) say it's only generally the wannabees who reference things being typically LC as if it's a negative, and people with true class would never say such a thing.

We are talking truly classy people though, real nice people who have never ever made me or any of my colleagues feel inferior.

Biggles398 · 12/10/2018 12:58

Let them stay / play / join in games but just explain you didn't realise they were coming so will have to share a plate with their brother/sister and just don't give them a party bag. Job done.

hidinginthenightgarden · 12/10/2018 13:02

I have always had the opposite attitude to some on here. Public places are fine as to take sibling as long as you pay yourself. Halls, houses etc no as the cost is then on the host which is unfair.
That said - I always have spare party bags and meals just in case this happens.

CloudPop · 12/10/2018 13:04

Used to annoy me when people brought siblings, uninvited. We had one mother in our year group who used to drop all 3 of hers and any part any of them were invited to, so she could go to the gym.

Mrsfrumble · 12/10/2018 13:05

Well at least she asked! At DD's party last year (at the local soft play) I was amazed at how many siblings just showed up. It was a reception class, so I understood that parents didn't want to leave their children and didn't necessarily have childcare available for the sibling, but three entire families showed up (both parents, invitee and siblings)!

We muddled through and there was just about it enough food (fortunately the soft play weren't keeping count, because I'm sure we went if the maximum number of kids) but I was more than a little Hmm when one of the uninvited siblings moaned about not having a party bag.

Whereismumhiding2 · 12/10/2018 13:06

Lol... The PPs on here that are disingenuously stating that it is rude 'not to invite or include siblings who aren't invited' to a birthday party for your older DD (that their older DC is lucky enough to have been invited to) are exactly the type of selfish CFs who ruined my DD's birthday party!

And probably ruin other peoples birthday parties! But as long as they get free afternoon childcare entertainment for all their family who cares about the birthday girls wishes, eh?!

Ignore them & their bad manners OP.

A polite text that it's not possible is fine. Lots of good suggestions.

If anyone takes umbrage at your DD wanting the party she wants
with just her friends she invited, (+ you not wanting nor catering for uninvited extra preschoolers), then they'll probably not be a huge loss to the party.

Weed them out, I'm grateful when CF's self identify. GrinGrin

It's different if someone is really stuck but there'll usually be a nearby park or cafe they can go to with other DC for a bit and return near end of party. (Or go home) I've done that plenty of times as I'm not a CFer.

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