Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re siblings etiquette at birthday parties

391 replies

dontyouforgetaboutme · 12/10/2018 10:50

So am not sure if AIBU or the other mums. It's my DDs 8th birthday party tomorrow and one mother has texted me to ask if it's ok to bring her 3 year old - she can play with another 3 year old who is coming. Well no one has checked with me re the other 3 year old coming. It appears it's been assumed they can . I am having the party in a hall, but have exactly the right number of party plates and cups, and party bags full of plastic crap.

So my AIBU is that I am pissed off and feel like saying no to the CFs, or should I just chill out. Both parents on the scene so no childcare issue with either family I am aware of. I would never dream of assuming another DC could come to a birthday party. Am I missing something?

OP posts:
Whereismumhiding2 · 12/10/2018 13:08

@Mrsfrumble Shock

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/10/2018 13:09

How rude!

I have 2 boys with a 5 year age gap as well, and always assumed that DS2 was not invited. Sometimes he was though, and sometimes when we dropped DS1 at a party, I and DS2 were both invited to stay on for a bit; but I never assumed he would be included, the gap is too big, so it completely changes the dynamics!

I agree that it is very rude of these parents to have not asked (not the ones who did contact you, the other ones) and I wouldn't be inclined to accommodate their 3yo - but it's not the 3yos fault, is it, and I wouldn't want to see them upset either. Trouble is, by giving in to the guilt feelings and letting them join in and have cake and party bags, the CF parents will never learn how wrong they were to do this, and they'll do it AGAIN next year.

glitterfarts · 12/10/2018 13:10

I think the norm when they are preschool age is to include siblings in a "free" party. But an 8 yr old is in KS2/yr 3 at school - 3 year olds are not likely to enjoy what 8 year olds do.

Just text both of them and say, sorry, I have only catered for those invited, not siblings - you are more than welcome to drop and go, but the 3 year olds aren't invited sorry.

sockunicorn · 12/10/2018 13:13

for a pay per child party i find it rude but for a hall i would just allow the more the merrier and always make extra party bags and bits of dinner etc. not worth the stress or the bitching and i would rather everyone had a good time

Whereismumhiding2 · 12/10/2018 13:14

@Winterbella Shock too, as well as @Mrsfrumble. Those parents really were rude.

Winferbella, I can't believe you ended up having to pay for them! Our local play zone actually says 'but they're not in the birthday party' ans tells them they'll have to pay and stay to supervise the 'not imvitee to' children, to CF parents who try to sneak extra in, as they take a list of party attendee names and tick off & give party coloured wrist bands too when they arrive.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 12/10/2018 13:15

Please reply with the suggested text by @PuppyMonkey which was :
"Lol, I can assure you other 3 yo is not invited and mum has not discussed this with me. I've organised specific activities for the 8 yos, so I'm sorry we won't be able to accommodate the younger ones. See you tomorrow."

They're both CF. There must be something in the air at the moment as none of this was happening over the summer months and now it is becoming an epidemic of CF-ness. Grin

Joinourclub · 12/10/2018 13:16

In my experience the kind of parties where parents stay are the kind of parties where younger siblings stay too. But at 8 it is probably unusual to have a party where parents stay. I’d reply “I think it’s best if the 3 year olds don’t come as I don’t have plate or bags for them, but feel free to drop off the 8 year olds and take the 3 year olds elsewhere for a playdate”

FruitofAutumn · 12/10/2018 13:17

as they are not invitees they are clearly not going to expect food or party bags, and they say they are playin with another 3 yo siublin so wont be joining in the party activities, so i really wouldnt have a problem.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 12/10/2018 13:18

ill mannered not to invite siblings!!! What!! Of course it isn't, not in most circles anyway.

My DDs are twins and used to go to separate parties quite often, I would never assume the other was invited as well, and they were the same age!!

I remember one weird family turning up at every party, older siblings, and both mum and dad, standing there …. beyond odd!!

BigSandyBalls2015 · 12/10/2018 13:18

And it is unusual for parents to stay at an 8 year olds party unless they had special needs.

Devilishpyjamas · 12/10/2018 13:19

Well I’m not lower class, and have friends ranging in background from toff to working class & don’t know any who would be delighted at uninvited siblings appearing at parties.

The only person I know who did this was the Mum of someone in ds3’s class. Every single party along would come sibling boy, never asked in advance (never needed to as always happened). I used to keep the party bag left overs for him.

It was a PITA though. My hands were always full with severely disabled ds1, so really didn’t need younger unsupervised kids there as well.

5foot5 · 12/10/2018 13:20

What sort of activities have you got planned OP?

Could you text back that you are not sure that the activity planned will be suitable for such young children? Or if its an entertainer ditto. I mean this could apply even if you are doing traditional party games because excited 8 year olds rushing about to play musical chairs might accidentally knock over a wandering 3 yo who got in the way. But why should you put a crimp on the 8 yo fun just because some inappropriately young children have turned up uninvited.

KC225 · 12/10/2018 13:21

I've moved to Sweden from London. Not the norm here to invite siblings to parties. Just to say, I am friendly with a so gle mum and I asked her if she wanted to send the sibling along to give her a couple of hours break. Invitee was 9 sibling was 5. Sibling refused, said he would be embarrassed.

Do not buy extra food or a party bag. Just say, but I haven't catered for party bags or extra food. Let them deal with it.

CallMeRachel · 12/10/2018 13:22

Just text them both to say it's your 8 year old's special day and she doesn't want 3 year olds attending her birthday party.

Say that your happy for parents to drop and run to avoid any childcare issues.

Whereismumhiding2 · 12/10/2018 13:26

@CloudPop
Used to annoy me when people brought siblings, uninvited. We had one mother in our year group who used to drop all 3 of hers and any part any of them were invited to, so she could go to the gym.

Gosh that is outrageous cloudpop! Were you not tempted to ring her back to say to come back & collect her other DC?

If the birthday child had wanted them there at his or her party, they'd have actually been invited!!
Unless the invite says 'siblings welcome please tell us so we can cater', a reasonable family would not assume.

diddl · 12/10/2018 13:27

Are they too far to drop off & collect or do they not want to leave their 8yr olds?

hellsbellsmelons · 12/10/2018 13:29

“Sorry, there appears to be some confusion with the other parent. I am not sure why she thinks her younger child is coming, as this party is for 8 year olds, and no three year olds have been invited. There is no need to stay, as the children are 8.”

^ THIS - sums up your reply perfectly.

Your poor DD does not want a bunch of 3 year olds at her party.
It will only continue to expand if you don't put a stop to it right now!

Godowneasy · 12/10/2018 13:29

I don't think the main issue is whether it actual costs the host extra money to have uninvited siblings at a party in a large venue such as a hall.
The fact is, that 3 year olds at an eight year olds party is going to change the dynamics ALOT. Playing traditional party games like pass the parcel, musical chairs, and dead lions with three year olds is very different to playing it with eight year olds. The games would need to be geared heavily towards the three year olds abilities and limitations. Why should the eight year old birthday girl have her party hijacked by uninvited three year olds in this way?

EK36 · 12/10/2018 13:32

@Balaboosteh I m with you in this. Does it reallt matter than two children tag along. Couple of extra sandwiches and party bags. Not going to break the bank is it? It's a happy celebration. Just ell the parents bringing the young siblings to stay with them as you 'll be too busy to watch them.

RiverTam · 12/10/2018 13:33

I would actually do the group email as suggested upthread, along the lines of 'I've had some queries about bringing siblings, we're not able to accommodate them but do feel free to drop and go'. or similar.

Brainfogmcfogface · 12/10/2018 13:35

I’ve got a party this weekend in a hall catered for 20 but there are now 25 coming as other parents have asked for something siblings to come owing to childcare. It’s not ideal tbh and I’d rather they didn’t as budget is very limited but I don’t know how I can say no and be polite. So I have to suck it up and hope for the best 😬

mummabubs · 12/10/2018 13:39

Gosh this is an awkward situation for you OP. I'm one of three and we certainly never went to our sibling's friend's parties growing up... why the heck would we??

I agree with what others have said- I'd be messaging the parents of the 3 year old who have assumed they can come and make it clear they can't. Otherwise what's to stop everyone else from assuming and sending siblings too? I disagree with the previous poster who said it's ill-mannered to not invite siblings, they must have an incredible budget to accommodate for 2 or 3 times the number of children each time they throw a party.

Olderbyaminute · 12/10/2018 13:40

EK36 The party is for the birthday child and friends she WANTED there not friends and their younger siblings. The op has only just enough food and drinks and party bags-she doesn’t deserve this extra stress placed on her by inconsiderate attendees’ parents. Next time you go out to celebrate your anniversary or whatever suggest to your partner to bring along his mother or sister or brother as irs “just a happy celebration” Absurd isn’t it?

SchoolPanicTime · 12/10/2018 13:40

Church hall type parties usually included siblings be default but that was younger kids with similar aged siblings. This was actually lovely as all the kids got to know the siblings and it was more the merrier. In this case though a 3 year old isn't going to be involved in whatever entertainment you have lined up for an 8 year olds so I assume they just want to hang around the side?

I think birthday parties are considered a bit of a hassle for lots of parents as it takes up most of the day for only a few hours entertainment. That said I'm surprised they even want to stay with the 3 year old - I'd much rather dump the 8 year old and take the toddler to a nearby park/soft play/cafe.

eddielizzard · 12/10/2018 13:42

sorry but fucking cheeky to assume it's ok to bring siblings. Check first.

Swipe left for the next trending thread