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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re siblings etiquette at birthday parties

391 replies

dontyouforgetaboutme · 12/10/2018 10:50

So am not sure if AIBU or the other mums. It's my DDs 8th birthday party tomorrow and one mother has texted me to ask if it's ok to bring her 3 year old - she can play with another 3 year old who is coming. Well no one has checked with me re the other 3 year old coming. It appears it's been assumed they can . I am having the party in a hall, but have exactly the right number of party plates and cups, and party bags full of plastic crap.

So my AIBU is that I am pissed off and feel like saying no to the CFs, or should I just chill out. Both parents on the scene so no childcare issue with either family I am aware of. I would never dream of assuming another DC could come to a birthday party. Am I missing something?

OP posts:
bakebakebake · 14/10/2018 08:02

I have to take the sibling (although only 17m difference) but I never expect them to be allowed to join in. I would always keep them with me, let them play on my phone or something!

Usually the parent says to me that it's okay for them to join in or eat as X hasn't turned up. I most definitely wouldn't expect a party bag!!

We had a soft play party one year and I specifically told people they could bring siblings. As we had 30 guests but room could hold 60. I got a few "Are you sure?"

bakebakebake · 14/10/2018 08:04

Just seen the update, should have RTFT sorry! I'm still not completely awake!

I can't believe the parents of the other kids actually let them do that!!

TheMonkeyMummy · 14/10/2018 08:20

As long as your DD had the best time, I would let it go, but next year make sure it's a drop off only party.

sexnotgender · 14/10/2018 08:36

Wow what cheeky fuckers!

Can’t believe they let them line up for party bags. So did you have to be the baddy that said no to them?!

diddl · 14/10/2018 10:02

That's a lot of 8yr olds who couldn't be left!

So the parents were too busy looking after the 8yr olds who needed them there to supervise their younger off spring??!!

Littleladybird14 · 14/10/2018 10:36

Currently organising sons 6th Birthday which is in a hall and had an extra 12 siblings ask to attend!! Its become the norm in the class now for siblings to attend so if I say no I just look like im being awkward. The same happened at his party last year only they didnt tell me and siblings doubled my party - id catered for 30 odd and i remember an older sibling coming to me asking for plates as they had ran out.... I had 50! I was horrified! Couldn't believe all the siblings sat down to eat. Ive got two DC and if I had to take second DC i would not sit them down at party table unless invited to do so or at the end just eat any leftover nibbles, its just good manners.
It seems the majority take siblings as a trip out as theyve often said oh DH is at home. I understand if theres no other option but it just takes the P!
This is the last big party I'll do as from next year I'll prob just do little parties for a small group of friends but yeah it just irritates me!!

busyhonestchildcarer · 14/10/2018 11:10

I would not stay at an eight year olds party if i had a three year old too.cant they leave oldest child with you and take youngest out for the few hours?

RainbowBriteRules · 14/10/2018 11:40

But siblings coming is normal here. I count the invited children then double it. Means I have enough food for adults and then if people bring more than one sibling it is cancelled out by those that don’t bring any.

fifig87 · 14/10/2018 12:18

Op I would be raging too. Think its so rude and I'm easy going with parties especially if it's at home. Noone expects siblings to stay but more often than not I will offer if it's suitable.
Have my oldest dc party in a couple of weeks and have said to a couple of parents to leave siblings even though it's a pay per child.

belfastbosoms · 14/10/2018 13:04

I'd be raging too, OP. At least you know what to do next year. It's also very odd that parents aren't happy to drop and go at that age, only special needs, or being good mates with the host parents so being there to help out / natter would make sense in that scenario.
The world is full of CF parents like this, though. I now spell it out really clearly that siblings can't come. It can feel a bit rubbish, especially if another parent has an invite-all policy. But I'm now at the stage where I'm paying x amount per child to do specific activity, so like hell am
I doubling the cost so their little sisters can attend!

TAMS71 · 14/10/2018 13:26

How rude! make sure you find out who the other 3yr old is and tell them to get lost as well! Tell them sorry no free childcare for siblings today!

fifithefoof · 14/10/2018 13:28

Rtft

MrsSchadenfreude · 14/10/2018 13:56

We always used to have parties at home, and no siblings were invited (DD2 was allowed to invite a friend). One year we had a magician. Word got round, clearly, and instead of 10 children, we had 16 - siblings, cousins etc. We had to quickly bring in the garden table and chairs so that we had room to seat everyone for tea. And there were no party bags for the self-invitees. For at least two of the children, they rang the doorbell and the mother was already driving off in her car! (This was in Belgium, and a lot of the kids were not British, so it may have been a cultural thing but I doubt it.

ree070603 · 14/10/2018 14:23

I would definitely not give the 3 year old a party bag. It might seem mean/ petty but it's not actually you being unreasonable it's the parent so they should explain that to the child. I'd be furious about it....3 year olds could easily get injured in a party of dancing/ charging 8 year olds and I bet the Mum wouldn't be happy about that!

JingsMahBucket · 14/10/2018 17:33

@Neolara there were actually 6 extra siblings. Five 3 year olds and a 4 year old.

Those parents are a**holes.

Balaboosteh · 14/10/2018 17:42

Biggest non-issue ever! I think the social ties are breaking down that so few posters willing to accommodate / host with generosity and flexibility. So little grace and good manners. Nobody heard of the laws of the desert? When uninvited guests arrive, hosts are obligated to share or give away their food even if it is last morsel. And lovely custom I saw in Polish households - laying an extra place setting at table for the uninvited or unexpected stranger, this acknowledging our human interdependence and connectedness. Shame on you all.

Balaboosteh · 14/10/2018 17:46

“The law of hospitality in the oasis is the idea that any stranger entering the oasis must be given food and shelter during their stay in the oasis. The oasis is considered a safe-haven. Weapons are also forbidden in the oasis.”

PippaRabbit · 14/10/2018 18:28

"The law of hospitality in the oasis is the idea that any stranger entering the oasis must be given food and shelter during their stay in the oasis. The oasis is considered a safe-haven. Weapons are also forbidden in the oasis.”

The law of hospitality at parties is being invited in the first place and not being a cheeky fucker who brings extra siblings! There is no oasis at a children's party - it's hell on earth. Personally, I've never known 8 or 3 years old to bring weapons either. 🙄

StoorieHoose · 14/10/2018 18:33

Laws of the desert?? IGrinGrinGrin

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/10/2018 18:42

@Balaboosteh - do you go round crashing parties you aren’t invited to? I don’t, because it is bad manners. I don’t see any difference between crashing a party you aren’t invited to, and taking children along to a party they aren’t invited to.

JacquesHammer · 14/10/2018 18:44

Nobody heard of the laws of the desert? When uninvited guests arrive, hosts are obligated to share or give away their food even if it is last morsel

It’s a kids party, not trekking through the Sahara Confused

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/10/2018 18:46

Oh - and the difference between an oasis and a children’s party is that the former is a place of safety, a rare source of essentials like water and food, in an inimical environment, and turning travellers away would probably cause their death, if they couldn’t find water elsewhere whereas the latter is a social occasion - and I don’t think anyone ever died from being turned away from a party!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/10/2018 18:47

Rest assured, though, IF I ever throw a party in a desert oasis, I shall not turn anyone away.

SnuggyBuggy · 14/10/2018 18:47

It's definitely bad etiquette to give 3 year old weapons when sending them to a party. Maybe it's ok in Republican areas in the US.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/10/2018 18:52

Lol - that reminds me of the infamous Supersoaker thread - the OP’s son was going to a party in the park, and wanted to take his suoersoaker with him. It was definitely not a water party, and no other children would have supersoakers or water pistols, and for this reason, the majority of posters told the OP that she shouldn’t let her son take his, and that letting him risked spoiling the other child’s party.

She was having none of it, and was adamant it would be just fiiiiiine!

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