Did i over react about dinner?

[Noodle101]

Long time lurker just changer username for privacy. Probably should have put this in relationships but wanted here for traffic.

Currently sitting in tears over what seems to be the most ridiculous argument with my dp. There is 5 years of history where arguments have often,I feel, have been of his quick temper and unreasonable behaviour.

Tonight we were cooking a stirfry, he tells me to go back in the sitting room as he will cook, I go back into the kitchen to say I think its burning, he is standing over the heat and shouts at me its not burning. I feel frustrated and (this makes me sounds about 2) stamp one foot and say listen to me, i don't want the food to be ruined. DP proceeds to fling the frying pan against the wall and chuck food across the kitchen into the sink and shout at me. He then goes upstairs, i follow him saying what the hell, why are you so quick to anger? I then am so shocked and upset that i say i don't want to be with him anymore and i go downstairs and have a glass of wine to calm down.

10 mins later he is downstairs saying he understands he overreacted but only did so because i was berating him about the food, and all he keeps saying to me is is the food actually burnt? As if that will validate him being so quick to anger.

Sorry if this seems so ridiculous I just wonder if he has reacted unnecessarily or if I drove him to it? Last week we had an argument because he said a few nasty things about my job choices, he has apologised profusely for that, but obviously I am now really upset that another argument has occurred.

People respond to what OPs tell us

Nope, generally they don't. They respond to an outrageous version of events, invented by themselves, that supports their narrative of 'man=abuser/narcissist/cheater/pervert/whatever'

In this case man=violent domestic abuser, by virtue of doing the cooking equivalent of a firm door close.

To be honest, its over reactions as seen on this thread that keep me coming back to this forum, you couldn't make it up.

Wow! How old are you

@MsLexic RTFT!

And who the fuck eats garlic bread with stir fry

Wow i am certainly being told! Its not my fault if pps didn't read the op properly, i never said he threw the pan, i said flung, which meant he flung and skidded it into the wall- in my mind its not all that different as its still an angry reaction. And he still threw food just stuff that was on the plate already not the stuff in the pan. Sorry, i wrote my post when i was upset and rushed and must have not been as clear as it was in my head. I did not over dramatise I wrote it as concisely as I could, I hold my hands up and know my behaviour was not good. However my comments about the cooking only started when he was complaining about being left to do it- i do really feel we are both at fault but his reaction was ott.

Op, seriously can you not see how your behaviour was also ott and not acceptable?

Apparently my dad once threw a casserole, dish and all, out of the kitchen window (luckily it happened to be open) because my mum complained about the smell. My dad has never been abusive, and my mum is generally the dominant personality in their marriage.

There is something about cooking with a backseat chef that is enraging, I think. DH is banned from the kitchen until dishing up time when I cook.

The good thing is you both seem quick to apologise, and to talk.

So I pick between you what makes you twang, and explain calmly hi you feel , e. g “when you do this I feel....” .and listen carefully to how you each experience each other’s behaviour.

Oh my god your update! HE needs to go to anger management?? You need anger management yourself, fucking hell! You presented this whole situation in your OP differently to how it actually was. If he was my son I'd be desperate to get him out of that relationship.

Sorry but you knew exactly the sort of reaction you would get. You carefully committed 'skidded' for starters.

Stamping feet, demanding to be heard, antagonistically following him and continuing to argue. What are you going to do about your awful behaviour?

'ts not my fault if pps didn't read the op properly'

Flings frying pan and throws garlic bread into sink

So now you say he marginally threw the pan and anyway it was a plate..flung means threw.
So what sort of support are you looking for? I ask you this very kindly.
You can decide if it was your fault or his, or both of you.

Certainly wish you luck and hope you can make it up if that is what you want.

OP, you might want to look up the definition of fling. Cambridge Dictionary says: 'to throw something or someone suddenly and with a lot of force'.

Not surprising then that most of understaood 'flung' to mean 'threw violently'. Because that is what the word means.

Its not my fault if pps didn't read the op properly, i never said he threw the pan, i said flung FFS. Nothing is your fault, is it?!

The thing is, your DP may well be display some very problematic behaviour. We're never going to be able to discern that reliably, or discuss it sensibly with you, while you're so busy flinging blame in all directions!

“he has said once before that he 'sees red' and he agrees this is not normal and i have said that the only way Im staying is if he goes to some form of management counselling.”

OP: given the update about the flinging, you really are being unfair here. I would love to hear his side, and especially why he asked you to go into another room while he cooked in tne first place.

The constant flash rows and anger are a problem: better perhaps for you BOTH to go to couples counselling.

You say you don't nag, but what you did was classic nagging. It is frustrating, but you should have let him alone. This is a perfect example of 'womansplaining'. It's every bit as annoying as 'mansplaining'.

If this is your usual approach, then I'm not altogether surprised he lost his temper. That doesnt excuse it of course, but you should take the blame for kicking him off.

but you should take the blame for kicking him off

unbelievable

When i wrote flung against the wall in my earlier posts, i meant that he pushed the pan in a quick manner

Easy mistake. They both conjure up such similar images.

The constant flash rows and anger are a problem: better perhaps for you BOTH to go to couples counselling

You should probably consider this ^

With that, I'm out.

You can't expect your partner never to have an angry reaction. It's part of being human. The question is what that angry reaction is. For instance I slam doors when I'm angry and happen to be leaving the room. It's a form of nonverbal communication, and it does bleed off a certain amount of adrenaline when my body is screaming for me to run away. I'd be a bit if you made me go to anger management for it.

Now if I were slamming them violently, or in your face, or to wind you up, or threaten you, that would be completely unacceptable. But a common-or-garden slam that doesn't harm anyone, or the door, is not a big problem in isolation.

And who the fuck eats garlic bread with stir fry

To be honest, this is the real issue here.

Apart from the obvious garlic bread issue, How much oil are you people using in a stir fry to have "a pan full of boiling oil"?! I literally use a tablespoon of oil in a stir fry.
Not to mention a while ago there was a whole thread on here of posters recalling their memories of throwing things at the wall and it was lauded as hilarious and nominated for classics!

Is every day like that? It sounds like how an ex of mine described his relationship before me. He "liked the dramas & the make up sex" . I couldnt care less who takes the rubbish out or if wine was spilled on the rug etc, so we parted & he ended up with his somewhat volatile (madder than a box of frogs) work colleague.

So, OP, are you going to stomp your foot at us for not understanding your poorly written desciption of what actually happened?

If this is an illustration of your usual way of handling disagreements (plus the foot stomping), then yes, you do sound unreasonable.

Your partner doesn’t sound great either, but maybe you form one of those couples that do not bring out each other’s good sides.

You both sound knackered and under a lot of stress tbh. This is the sort of bickering xH and I did when we had three DC under three and probably hadn’t slept for about three years . You just sound like you’re both under a lot of strain, no idea if that’s the case.

Not a normal reaction from either of you, you both hugely overreacted. When you put it into perspective, this was over a stir fry.

Foot stamping..normal.
Throwing frying pans....not so much

I do not get this...what are the consequences of food stomping? Not much unless your foot is directly underneath.
Pan throwing...potential injury/ v dangerous.