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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Did i over react about dinner?

214 replies

Noodle101 · 11/10/2018 20:23

Long time lurker just changer username for privacy. Probably should have put this in relationships but wanted here for traffic.

Currently sitting in tears over what seems to be the most ridiculous argument with my dp. There is 5 years of history where arguments have often,I feel, have been of his quick temper and unreasonable behaviour.

Tonight we were cooking a stirfry, he tells me to go back in the sitting room as he will cook, I go back into the kitchen to say I think its burning, he is standing over the heat and shouts at me its not burning. I feel frustrated and (this makes me sounds about 2) stamp one foot and say listen to me, i don't want the food to be ruined. DP proceeds to fling the frying pan against the wall and chuck food across the kitchen into the sink and shout at me. He then goes upstairs, i follow him saying what the hell, why are you so quick to anger? I then am so shocked and upset that i say i don't want to be with him anymore and i go downstairs and have a glass of wine to calm down.

10 mins later he is downstairs saying he understands he overreacted but only did so because i was berating him about the food, and all he keeps saying to me is is the food actually burnt? As if that will validate him being so quick to anger.

Sorry if this seems so ridiculous I just wonder if he has reacted unnecessarily or if I drove him to it? Last week we had an argument because he said a few nasty things about my job choices, he has apologised profusely for that, but obviously I am now really upset that another argument has occurred.

OP posts:

calderdalechange · 11/10/2018 21:17

Agreeing with those saying it's not ok to throw things. There's always one who thinks that "only on MN" do people never act violently but I don't actually live inside of MN and I confirm neither DH nor I have ever thrown things in anger.

calderdalechange · 11/10/2018 21:18

covilha · 11/10/2018 21:18

I sometimes cook for DP: they criticise and tell me the food is burning, even though it is just something caught on the hob. From your partner's point of view, he is wanting to show his love and appreciation for you by cooking you a meal, knowing you have had a hard day and letting you rest whilst he does so. Instead of just letting him do that, you return to the kitchen and criticise- making it sound as though he's a toddler who cant cook a meal without your instruction. And you stamp your foot- which may be a tad OTT(?) Perhaps you could both try speaking to each other instead of initiating communication in a way which could wind someone up and then being upset when it escalates?

SillySallySingsSongs · 11/10/2018 21:19

Both at fault. Pan throwing is OTT.

I feel frustrated and (this makes me sounds about 2) stamp one foot and say listen to me, i don't want the food to be ruined

That sounds like the behaviour of a child and controlling.

Celebelly · 11/10/2018 21:19

Good god. Yes, it's always the woman's fault when a man behaves violently because she's pushed him over the edge with her behaviour. Poor diddums, being unable to do anything to resolve the situation other than chucking frying pans around. I hope he's OK, it must have been awful for him.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 11/10/2018 21:22

I can’t even imagine my husband stamping his foot at me without getting enraged. And then to follow him up the stairs as well after he’s tried to walk away??

Ohyesiam · 11/10/2018 21:22

Sounds like the arguememt( Like most domestics) wasn’t about the food, but a backlog of him finding you ( insert whatever) and you finding him( insert whatever).
BUT his temper sounds awful. He ha free will and can’t revert to “ you made me angry”, he needs to take responsibility.

To get to deeper issues, lol up Dailr Temperatures Reading, it’s a communication tool for couples that helps . It’s not intense, it needn’t take long and it’s helped a lot of marriages.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 11/10/2018 21:24

I can’t even imagine my husband stamping his foot at me without getting enraged. And then to follow him up the stairs as well after he’s tried to walk away??

Really? So they're the only unacceptable actions in that story, are they?

No one's saying OP behaved brilliantly but only one of them was violent and it wasn't her.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 11/10/2018 21:26

No throwing the pan wasn’t acceptable, obviously. But I can understand why he did.

Dontalkoverme · 11/10/2018 21:26

I can’t even imagine my husband stamping his foot at me without getting enraged. And then to follow him up the stairs as well after he’s tried to walk away??

Well he probably wouldn’t risk doing that to do as he knows your the type to launch a boiling hot pan directly at him.

SillySallySingsSongs · 11/10/2018 21:27

So you think OP behaviour was perfectly fine? Stamping feet, demanding things done her way, following him upstairs and continuing to argue once he was removing himself from the situation? That's all ok?

Neither have behaved well.

Merryoldgoat · 11/10/2018 21:29

I’d love to live in Mn land where no one ever gets angry and occasionally flips their lid. I would have thrown the frying pan too. Probably at you.

13 years I’ve been with my husband. Neither of us has flipped our lid. We disagree, occasionally argue. Neither he nor I would chuck anything across the room and if I chucked something at my partner I’d fully expect him to leave me.

SillySallySingsSongs · 11/10/2018 21:29

Well he probably wouldn’t risk doing that to do as he knows your the type to launch a boiling hot pan directly at him.

Where does it say it was thrown directly at the OP?

Palegreenstars · 11/10/2018 21:29

Whilst your behaviour was a little odd he is completely out of order in his reactions. I would leave him and get to being happy on your own before looking for a better relationship.

Celebelly · 11/10/2018 21:30

No, her behaviour wasn't great. But that doesn't warrant or excuse violent behaviour on someone else's part.

If he had clocked her one in the face, would we still say 'Well you wound him up' or 'you behaved badly to start with'? Would she have deserved it in some way? I sincerely hope not, yet throwing a heavy piece of kitchen equipment at a wall in a rage is apparently an acceptable way for an adult to behave. It's a violent reaction - and I bet it scared the OP cos it would bloody scare me.

Dontalkoverme · 11/10/2018 21:31

Where does it say it was thrown directly at the OP?

It doesn’t - the quoted poster said she probably would have thrown the pan at OP.

NameChangeyMcChangerson · 11/10/2018 21:31

So you think OP behaviour was perfectly fine? Stamping feet, demanding things done her waay, following him upstairs and continuing to argue once he was removing himself from the situation? That's all ok?

No one thinks she's behaved well. But if you think her behaviour and his are equivalent then I think there's something seriously off with your judgement - she was annoying, he was abusive.

5SecondsFromWilding · 11/10/2018 21:31

Where does it say it was thrown directly at the OP?

You're replying to a comment that was aimed at one of the 2 posters who've said they'd have thrown the pan at the OP, not to the OP herself.

Imamouseduh · 11/10/2018 21:32

Sounds like you wound him up by stamping your foot but there is no place for throwing things. What if one day he unthinkingly throws it at you, even by accident, and you wound up really hurt? Do you have children? Does he throw things in front of them? That would be very frightening for a child to witness. You need to work on communication and he needs to get his temper under control.

SillySallySingsSongs · 11/10/2018 21:33

Of course the throwing isn't acceptable. Imo neither is deliberetly following someone continuing an argument when they are removing themselves from the situation.

The relationship isn't good for either of them and they would both be better off apart.

SillySallySingsSongs · 11/10/2018 21:34

But if you think her behaviour and his are equivalent then I think there's something seriously off with your judgement

Nothing wrong with my judgement thank you.

Throwing is wrong. Taunting someone is wrong. This relationship is going nowhere.

Shoxfordian · 11/10/2018 21:35

Next time he'll throw it at your head. He has serious anger issues and he'll be violent to you at some stage. I don't think you behaved amazingly but he was aggressive. You should leave him.

DoJo · 11/10/2018 21:41

I'm aghast that anyone would equate being annoying and stamping a foot to throwing a pan full of hot food at a wall. One demonstrates a possibly overbearing nature, one demonstrates a complete lack of control or sense of proportion at least in that moment.

One can extrapolate that the OP does this kind of thing all the time and that it's the last straw for her partner, but that still doesn't excuse the violent nature of his reaction.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 11/10/2018 21:43

He has serious anger issues and he'll be violent to you at some stage.

Here we fucking go. You do NOT know that from the OP, don't phrase it as a total certainty. It's a valid warning of a possibility, but that's it.

I threw a pan across the room at a wall once, screaming at my husband - I was under enormous stress and cracked. Have never been violent to him.

OP, you need to split up.

NotTheFordType · 11/10/2018 21:49

I feel frustrated and (this makes me sounds about 2) stamp one foot and say listen to me

Don't ever do this again. You're not Gordon Ramsey.

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